DVD Movie Review - Byzantium

In a world filled with pale, diamond-encrusted vampires that just want to love, play baseball, and frolic in the woods, this film kicks those Tween pitfalls in the nuts by combining lingerie, strip clubs, brothels, drugs, blood baths (literally), and diseases, creating a fresh take on the stereotypical vampire genre.  Forget vampiric bites that overtake the body like a virus.  These vamps are created in a clandestine island hut.  Yep, you read that right.  Welcome to the wonderful world of Byzantium.

"Shh...I can swear I hear the ice cream truck coming."

STORY:

Clara (Gemma Arterton) has only known one profession throughout her sad, yet determined life: prostitution.  And when her past mistakes finally catch up to her, she's left with only one option: grab her daughter, Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan), and run.  When they finally stop at a boating village and decide to stay, luck strikes in the form of an almost worthless man.  But this worthless man—who was just out for a quickie from the town's new whore—happens to be the proud owner of Hotel Byzantium.  Clara seeing nothing but opportunity drags her daughter and this man into her sexually-fueled dream of running a brothel.  But the aspiration of becoming the mother hen in a house full of prostitutes might come crashing down, because Clara forgot to mention that she and her daughter are both two hundred year old vampires.  Oops.  Rolling hills, beautiful cinematography, drug dealing, rape, decapitations, and blood flowing waterfalls ensue.

Hey, when you smell bad enough, you'll shower under anything.

THOUGHTS:

The story of Byzantium opens with Clara's daughter, Eleanor, scribing her story on notebook pages and then crumbling and tossing them into the wind.  Why?  Because unlike Clara, who only knows how to lie to get ahead in life, Eleanor, only knows how to tell the truth.  And if she can't tell humans the truth about her curse—being immortal is so hard nowadays when stacked atop boy lust and a large number of Facebook friends—she'll spend an eternity writing it down, over and over again, only to throw it away soon after.

This is the only film in recent history that has such an eye-opening split beginning.  It starts off with beautiful scenery and score, letting the viewer believe this will be a poetic tale of sweet and humble vampires, and then BAM—cuts directly to a strip club with loud thumping bass, and Gemma Arterton giving a lap dance.  In fact, these scene splits exist throughout the entire movie, showcasing the extreme difference between mother and daughter.  You'll share the love, affection and burden of Eleanor and then be snapped back to the bitter truth and utterly failed life of her mother Clara.  But as the story unfolds between modern day and two centuries ago, you come to realize this film is much more about a mother trying to do what's best for her daughter, then two vampires living the blood sucking life.

"It'll be okay, honey.  I'll just whore myself like before and everything will go back to normal."

If you enjoyed Neil Jordan's (director) Interview with the Vampire or the coming-of-age story between a young vampire and boy in Let the Right One In, then Jordan's Byzantium will satisfy your thirst for vampires who suffer from human conditions.  You may not identify with immortal life or sucking blood-soaked rags or killing the elderly or maybe even holding on to a secret for two hundred years, but you will feel sympathy for the duo having money troubles, relationship problems, and wanting to be free.

Now, you've probably read all that and are thinking: "Love and affection are alright, but I want to see a ton of killing and blood sucking."  Well, you're almost in luck.  Blood sucking and killing are present and accounted for, but they aren't used to drive the plot.  The blood sucking only comes as a means to an end for the female vampire duo.  Instead, you'll watch more scenes of Eleanor trying to come to terms with spending eternity as a sixteen year old girl and wanting to share affection with a boy named Frank (Caleb Landry Jones-Banshee from X-men: First Class); and many more scenes of Clara running in lingerie and high heels, attempting to have sex with every lonely man in the vicinity, and also the story of her becoming a vampire.  There will still be moments that you’d wish a few minutes of teenage-love were cut to show some over-the-top carnage, but you can’t win them all.

"Who loads a dishwasher like that?!  Dammit!  Now I have to look for a new boyfriend...again."

Ronan and Arterton fit their given roles flawlessly.  Ronan's facial expressions and body language, and the film's eerie score, make you feel sympathy for the character as you discover more bits of her story and watch her take helpless lives.  Arterton on the other hand, uses all her "assets" to showcase the carefree sexual drive needed for Clara, but also frightening determination when it comes to survival of her daughter.  And all second rate characters remain plot devices to keep the movie clogs turning, clearly showcasing this is as a Ronan and Arterton tale.  But don't let that discourage you, because you’re not watching this film to see the brothel's whores ask Eleanor for a roll in the hay…right?  Well, maybe you are.  Either way then, you should be pleased.

"Look at all the lives I've destroyed."

TWO REASONS SOME WILL HATE IT:

Number one: If you're looking for the classic take on the vampire, you need not apply.  This movie offers a new species of vampire that are born on a secluded island that can only be found with a special map.  So if you need the super-fast, ridiculously strong, disappearing-into-a-bat vamp, then you might want to sit this one out.  And number two: this is a character driven story about the only two female vampires in the world, struggling to survive in a vampire club only meant for men.  This is not a straight-up, chainsaw-your-face-off horror flick.

"No matter how exquisite, breasts just aren't allowed in our club."

CONCLUSION:

Byzantium is a fresh take on the fantasy vampire genre, but yet stays grounded by keeping the story focused on a mother and the lengths at which she will go to keep her daughter safe.  Having the film switch back and forth between the tragic upbringing of Clara and Eleanor's sweet, but flawed coming of age story, helps keep the narrative from becoming clichéd or stale.  So if you need a date-night vampiric treat this Halloween, but don't want to go full throttle tear-an-arm-off-and-beat-a-zombie-with-it horror, then this is your choice.

3.5 out of 5 stars (minus one and a half stars for slightly not enough vampire carnage)

DVD Movie Review - The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods @ Amazon

It’s been years since I’ve watched what Hollywood calls these days, a Horror Movie.  They all seem to be a rehash of the same story lines that surfaced in the 70’s.  Dialogue, plot, and story structure have all been replaced with “more blood.”  So I generally stay away from the horror genre unless it adds something fresh and new to the pot. (Considering most horror films are number “X” in a series, very few offer anything worth wild at all)

 

Joss Whedon has been everywhere recently and considering what they’re saying about him, he can do no wrong.  Well, I’m here to say “The Cabin in the Woods” does nothing to tarnish his record.

Story:

It’s the same old story: 5 teenagers decide to take a weekend and head into the most remote cabin in the world.  Void of civilization, technology, and anything that makes sense.  All hell breaks loose after one couple decides to have sex, and then one by one the group is hunted down by supernatural beings.

Sound familiar?  Well, that’s the plot…or is it.  What Joss Whedon does well, is he can take a dull, outdated story and turn it into something fun and fresh—while still including the essential bits that make it a horror film.  Not to mention, there were parts that were laugh out loud hysterical, and any film that tells a great story and makes me laugh in the process is a keeper in my book.

 

My Thoughts:

 

“The Cabin in the Woods” is just as much horror as it is mystery, and I liked the fact that Whedon doesn’t hold your hand through the film and explain every little thing that’s happening and why.   The scenes switch back and forth between the teenagers at the cabin and working stiffs in an office building.  Along the way, small clues and hints of something else entirely going on are dropped in each scene.  But nothing is really explained until the very end, which if you paid close attention, you can somewhat surmise what the ending will be like.  But like I said, some scenes are outrageously funny and very, very…unexpected.  When you think it’s about to end, the volume gets turned up to eleven.

 

As with the Avengers, Joss Whedon has no problem handling a group of people, as a matter of fact, this has really become his staple now.  The characters are all likeable, because they all have an underlining sense of humor, that’s executed perfectly in the dialogue and how they react to their situations.  I really don’t want to tell you much more, for fear of spoiling the awesome plot, so if you like Whedon’s movies or are into horror, then this is a no-brainer.

 

I am truly surprised that a genre I thought was basically dead can be turned into a movie that will sit on the same shelf with my other favorite movies of the year.  Don’t be afraid to rent or buy “The Cabin in the Woods”; it’s excellent.  Hopefully other directors and writers will start with story/plot/characters first, and then add the blood and guts later—probably not, but one can dream right?

 

Happy Halloween!

 

A Solid 4 out of 5 stars