Video Game Review - Wolfenstein: The Old Blood

Wolfenstein: The Old Blood—the standalone prequel to 2014's Wolfenstein: The New Order—brings back all the thrills of an arcade-style first-person shooter, while nonchalantly brushing a plot aside.

STORY:

B. J. Blazkowicz and his buddy Richard Wesley (Agent One) are on a mission to sneak into Castle Wolfenstein and steal a top secret folder from the castle's commander, Helga Von Schabbs.  What seems like an easy mission that could have been completed in less than an hour, turns into a hell-raising tour of the Nazi compound and their very twisted experiments.  Exploding baddies, duel wielding, mechanical dogs, shirtless heroes, and one ridiculously goofy ending ensues.

"I tell you what, after a long drive like that...I hope this Castle has good food. What do you want? I'm

thinking a Double Whopper with cheese, extra ketchup, extra mayo." 

THOUGHTS:

There's nothing like grabbing the controls of a slick first-person shooter and just unleashing thousands of rounds of ammunition on everything that moves on the screen.  Wolfenstein: The Old Blood is developed by MachineGames and their perfect delivery of shooting mechanics is what puts this game above other shooters.  Well…that and the price tag.  For a mere twenty bucks, The Old Blood could be bought and downloaded and enjoyed for over seven hours of story.  Now that may not seem like much, but the game does come with side challenges which bring back arcade points and allow a tiny chunk of replay ability.  And if you put this game up against others like The Order: 1886, you'll feel a humongous difference in terms of fun, humor, gameplay, and of course…the price tag.  So if you enjoy fun first-person shooters that could care less about story and don't mind killing a plethora of Nazis, then there's no reason to sit on the fence with this purchase.

GAMEPLAY:

What's there to say: being able to dish out hundreds of rounds of bullets in seconds, effectively turning any enemy head into a smashed pumpkin, never gets old.  And the ability to do so without having a bad camera angle or crappy character animations is like icing on a chocolate pixelated cake.  As soon as you strap yourself into the boots of shirtless B. J. and begin your journey through crazy Nazi infested territories, you'll instantly feel at home with the controls.  Grenades are where they should be, looking down the barrel is as easy as breathing, and pulling the trigger to mow down countless foes couldn't feel any more pleasant.  But what if you also want a little stealth in your life?  What if it’s been a while since you snuck around a pixelated world and silently took down unsuspecting enemies?  Well…that's here too.  It's not as effective as some games like Dishonored or say Splinter Cell, but with a little bit of patience and some luck, it can certainly be pulled off.  Is that what Wolfenstein is all about?  Nope.  It's about going in guns blazing and turning your enemies into Swiss cheese.  But the option to take each area as you see fit is a nice addition and shows that the developer put care into their game.

"Who in their right mind would leave a perfectly good helmet sitting atop old files?  Well...there's

only one thing to do: wear it." 

THAT'S GREAT…BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STORY?

Sadly, if you're looking for something that weaves a tale of romance, or intrigue, or revenge, then you've really come to the wrong place.  You did see some gameplay before purchasing, right?  Or maybe you watched the trailer?  Because if you have, then you'd know this game is about killing anything that moves and not engrossing you in a tale that spans centuries.  Now, that's not to say that there isn't some type of plot going on.  B. J. has a mission to snag a folder so the Nazis don't win the war.  And with the type of game this is…that's enough to get the bullets flying.  But on top of this, if you love to read, there are numerous letters, notes, and scribbles left throughout the environment for those looking for a little more help in what's going on.  Will you probably read the first one and then quickly click and un-click the rest?  More than likely, but hey…you're here to kill things, not to read a new best-seller. 

As you progress through the eight chapters of the game, you'll notice after about half way through that the story takes a turn for the weird.  Without ruining too much, let's just say The Old Blood goes from a World War Two shooter to horror.  Is this explained through the story as to why?  Not really.  Does it matter?  Somewhat.  You might have liked the game to stay where it was and just progress to a climax without a silly plot twist, but it happens, and there's nothing you can do about it.  You have to keep on pushing forward until you get to the endgame.  And what an ending it is.  Equal parts ridiculous, frustrating, and random is the only way to describe the last chapter of the game.  And without a health bar on the last enemy or any idea what you have to do without dying numerous times, you may not feel any enthusiasm when it finally goes down.  And this tragically, does hurt the fun buildup of gameplay it took to get there.

"Listen, I don't care how much you say it...There's no way Batman could beat Superman in a fight.

Just think about--Hold that thought. We're here.  After you kill thousands of Nazis and get that

folder, we're continuing this conversation." 

GRAPHICS, MULTIPLAYER, AND REPLAY VALUE:

For a standalone prequel (basically DLC) The Old Blood is remarkably a huge download.  Weighing in close to a hefty 40 gigs, this game in terms of graphics and voice-over is unbelievable.  Sure, some character models that aren't enemies or have nothing to do with plot could use a little polish, but the environments, the main NPC's, the crazy weapons, and voice acting is above and beyond what a twenty dollar prequel should be.  And you'll realize that in the first few minutes of cinematic and gameplay.

The only thing this game lacks is multiplayer.  But this basically is a small DLC that goes along with the main game, so expecting this addition is a tad ridiculous.  But just imagine The Old Blood's shooting mechanics in death match or team death match.  Even capture the flag would be awesome.  Duel wielding assault rifles and drilling your friends head full of bullets would be a heck of a night.  It's a shame this title missed out on so much fun.  And speaking of extra fun, replay value all depends on how much you love arcade shooters.  Do you like ripping through the same areas over and over again in the fastest time, trying to get the highest score possible so you can brag to your friends?  Well then there will be a ton of replay value for you.  If you finished the story and decided that it's time to move on, then you won't be dipping into The Old Blood ever again. 

"B. J. wake up buddy.  It's time to go home.  Your mother is here to pick you up." 

CONCLUSION:

If you happen to be sitting on a twenty in your online gaming account and are looking for a shooter that will inject you with thrills, laughs, and plenty of expired bullet shells, then Wolfenstein: The Old Blood will easily deliver on all those levels and more.  If you're the type of gamer that needs a tad bit of story with their gameplay and would much rather run around and discover a world, then your hard earned money should be spent somewhere else.  With Wolfenstein: The Old Blood’s beautiful graphics, perfect controls, a hilarious main character, over-the-top enemies, massive guns, and numerous Easter eggs hidden throughout…this game tickles that first-person itch you've been craving.

3.5 out of 5 Stars (minus a ½ star for no story and 1 star for horrific ending)

Reviewed by: Hank – Twitter / Twitch

The 3 Stages of Gamer Maturity

WARNING: the following article is filled with sarcasm and humor, but it's also filled with a whole lot of love for the art of gaming.  Enjoy.

Ah, the simple satisfaction of coming home from school without a care in the world.  No bills to pay, no reports to finish, no mess to clean up—just you and a pixelated adventure.  Slipping a controller between your fingers felt like hooking your genitals up to an electrical socket, nothing but pure elation.  Enough to make you cry and laugh and sometimes…even throw the controller at the wall.  These are simple moments of absolute joystick fondling goodness.  But time marched on. 

You awake one day to find more hair growing in your nose than on your head.  You look around and discover that—holy crap—you grew up.  But only in the physical sense, because even though you can solve big problems like why the Wi-Fi is out, or why two small humans keep calling you daddy or mommy, you still haven't grown out of the need to level up a Mage or a Wizard or a Thief or—you get the picture.  You're a gamer, an adult gamer.  But adult gaming comes in stages.  And it all begins with a little money in your pocket.

"Perfect!  Now kill the hooker, so you can get back the money you just spent on the handjob."

STAGE ONE: THE MONEY ISSUE.

Nothing hurts worse than your parents telling you no.  And no amount of crying or pulling on your mother's arm will help.  So you suction-cup yourself to the video game display case and hold on for dear life, but it makes no difference.  When you were young, parents beating children in public was a standard and most of the time even encouraged.  As a result, you always returned home with nothing more than a sore bottom.

Years flew by and you finally obtained a job.  A mystical place adults travel to every day to complain about life and bosses and in return are rewarded with a paycheck.  This gave you a chance to venture forth to the electronic store and buy your own damn game.  You skip down the aisle and slap an entire week's pay on the counter in return for the latest platformer.  It's a magical moment, but it comes with a cost: TIME.  You now have the money to afford the fun, but no frigging time to enjoy it.  Why?  Because of all the newly acquired hours at your job.  Damn.  A loud ding echoes in the distance.  Welcome to the first stage of gamer maturity.

"I'm serious.  In that outfit, you look good enough to eat."

STAGE TWO: BECOMING A WUSS

It's 7am.  Your eyes are stuck open from no blinking in the last nine hours.  Your brain has shut down and is running on gaming instinct alone.  A, B, A, B, B, UP, DOWN, A plus B, FORWARD.  You eye the clock.  If you spend just another half hour trying to get to the next level, you'll have exactly eight minutes to shower, eat, crap, dress, and drive to work.  "You have died," has been displayed on the screen so many times, it's now burned into the TV.  But the necessity to beat the game has overcome all priorities in life, including relieving yourself.  What do you do?

You pull what any desperate gamer in this situation would.  You switch the difficultly from hardcore to puss.  Not because you lack skill of course, but out of sheer necessity.  Valuable time is slipping away.  And it's okay, because no one will ever know about your trek into wussville.  You'll never tell your better half, co-workers, or even best friend.  You'll just live with the shame and sadness of wussy gameplay deep inside your heart.  Only you and the pixel gods will know of this sacrilege.  But such is gaming life.  A loud ding sounds in the heavens, alerting the world that you have achieved stage two of gamer maturity.  With one final push you can become a fully mature gamer: a player that is easily crushed in online matches by nine year olds that squeal about banging your mother.

"You talkin' to me.  You talkin' to me.  Well, I'm the only one here--dammit!  Do you guys have to 

stand directly behind me all the time?  You're ruining my De Niro."

STAGE THREE: PASSING THE BATON

With money in your pocket and easy difficulty hiding in your heart, you somehow manage to find that special someone.  They make you laugh and cry and hide your gaming addiction until marriage.  And you realize this feeling is called love…or stupidity, depending on who's doing the defining.  But you don't only want an extra person sleeping in your bed.  No, you also need a miniature version of yourself running around, wreaking havoc, and smearing crap everywhere.

Against everyone's better judgment, you take the plunge and produce another human and find yourself at a loss, because you can't pick the gender or align skill points.  You wait for a ding, but nothing happens, because this isn't the final step in gaming maturity.  The love you have for electronic storytelling must be passed on to future generations, so says the pixelated text.  Only then can one obtain the rank of fully mature gamer.

"Ow!  It burns, it burns.  Hurry up and do the other armpit."

"Will you stop jumping around like a little girl."

"Are you sure the ladies like a smooth-shaven beast?"

"Just hold still."

So you wait.  And wait, until the tiny human can finally sit up without their head lolling from side to side like some broken Vault-Tec bobblehead.  You look at your controller and then at the smaller version of yourself and smile.  Cautiously, you push the controller toward their baby hands and can't help but feel sadness and joy at the same time.  As if you're passing on a part of yourself.  But wait…what the hell are you doing?  There's no way you're giving up on the greatest form of storytelling.  You snatch the controller back like a hungry convict with the last Twinkie.  The miniature person starts to cry and you cringe.  But then a light shines down from the heavens, illuminating the answer sitting right next to your gaming rig.  A second controller.  You dive at it like a fumble in the Super Bowl and then jam it into the whiny kid's hands and the excessive screaming stops. 

Three loud dings.  Congratulations, you have achieved the final step in gamer maturity.  And the best part?  You don't even have to connect their controller, because they're too young and dumb to realize that all their button mashing and slobbering does nothing.  Isn't parenting fun?  They're happy and you're happy.  The world is once again at peace.

"Jesus Chri--will you stop with the camera already!  Can't you see I'm busy?  It's not 

like you're the one snooping around, elbowing faces.  Why don't you go shoot something?"

"I am shooting something."

"Nobody likes a smart-ass."

END GAME

Some people may look at you like you have three heads and crap out of the side of your mouth, but other gamers understand.  You have an appreciation for pixelated storytelling that will never disappear.  Game playing may reduce in allotted time or even difficulty, but the amount of love will never change.  Gaming isn't a hobby or a bad habit.  It's a way of life.  And for better or for worse, till death do you part.


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