Could the Next-Gen Consoles Suck?

The next generation consoles promise to tickle your crotch while you play, and any damage you sustain while button mashing will cross over into reality and allow you to feel the real effects of not staying in cover.  These are only rumors at the moment, but with the revealing of the next console generations so close, we felt as though it was time to talk about them.

With the Wii-U already out in stores and graphics about as good as the stone tablets the cave men used, we think it's safe to say, Nintendo will not even compete in the next generation console war.  Most of their base/sales have turned to mobile gaming, leaving the "real" gamers itching for more graphics, more violence and more games where you don't have to get up off the couch and jack-off a controller to play.  So, as Nintendo tries to design another console with terrible graphics that also toasts your bread, we’re here to discuss the real players in the game.

How about a tug?

Yes, there are rumors of several other companies attempting to enter the console fray, but until we see it, they're null and void.  That leaves only two: Sony and Microsoft.

We'll attack at first light and when they're down, kick 'em in the balls.

With that in mind, rumors upon rumors continue to circulate out in the great expanse of forbidden AI.  More graphic power—yes please.  Bigger games—yes please.  More online presence—yeah, I guess so.  More motion gaming—um, nope.  Constant connection to the Internet needed—now this is where we draw the line.

No Internet Allowed.

A lot of rumors have circulated, stating either the PS4 or the 720 will have to have constant Internet connections to prevent used or pirated games, or games that have jumped nationality from Cuba and have surfaced here in the states looking to start a new life.  Whatever the frigging reason, it's utterly ridiculous.  It might be the competition leaking these rumors, just to get people to hate one console or another.  But, there's also a chance this could be true.

  

So, are the two giants in the console market really that stupid to strip half of their sales due to having a constant Internet connection?  They might in fact, just be.

If you think about it, not everyone who owns a console has a broad-band connection.  So where do they come into the mix?  And not everyone wants to play online with people.  Most of us at P&P and our friends like the lone adventures, probably because we're older and don't feel like dealing with the 12yr. olds that have bad attitudes and trucker mouths, telling us we can lick their balls after they gunned us down for the umpteenth time.  That's certainly fun to hear, but after a while their squeaky voices, due to their balls not dropping yet, really start to pain your eardrums, and so you tend to yearn for the lone adventure.

So what if they really do it?  What if they really require a constant Internet connection?  
Simple: We don't play, which also means, we don't pay.

They want to limit used game sales, because the publishers are losing money and blah, blah, blah.  I don't want to hear how much it's costing to make a good game nowadays, or that publishers have to eat too.  It's a business, just like everything else in the world, if you can't handle it, then get out and go make toaster ovens or diamond studded dildos, instead of sitting on your asses and complaining like little girls. 

Nobody is buying my toaster ovens!

So why attack games with these limitations? 

You never hear about movie studios that are going to require Internet connections to watch their Blu-Rays.  Why is that?  Is it because the studios know everyone will instantly stop paying for Blu-Ray?  You damn right it is.  So why go after the gamers?  Is it mainly because we're simple folk, who are just looking to have a little fun and don't really want to start a ruckus?  Maybe. 

Gamers are anywhere from toddler-35yrs. and we know men even older that play.  The younger kids have parents that buy them games.  And the parents aren't involved in what’s happening in the next generation consoles.  They're just dragged to the store by their kids, who are screaming “Halo 25”, and most parents don't give a crap what kind of game it is, as long as it keeps their kid amused for a few hours, so mommy and daddy can have coke-sniffing, orgy parties while their kids are in the next room chain-sawing each other on-screen. (This is pure speculation, we at P&P have absolutely no facts to back anything up, and also…we don't give a crap) 

You hear thumping against the wall? Yeah, me neither.

Now the older crowd, like us, just doesn't want to be bothered.  We have enough frigging stress with bills, kids, wives, and jobs that we can't spend every waking moment complaining about constant Internet connections. (Hence this one and only article)  But here's where the fun comes in: if by some crazy chance that either company or both, decide to try that crap, they're not going to hear uproar as loud as they’ll feel it in their pockets.  The staff here all feels the same way: constant Internet connection means no new consoles.  We'll stick with our current stuff and turn to mobile gaming or the other rumored companies looking to make a console buck.  That's just how it's going to be.

How silly is a constant Internet connection anyway?  

When you buy a magazine—does it scan your eyeballs or genitals, to make sure you're the only one reading it?  No.  If they pulled that crap, no magazines would be bought.  You wouldn't even be able to lend your friend the new issue of Horny Housewives Humping Banana Throwing Dragon Riders.  And what kind of society would we be if we can't share porn?  Seriously though, you won't be able to lend your friend the game to see if he likes it, or take it to your friend’s house during a party…it'll just be a mess.  Some people have multiple Xbox’s in their house, and what: now you’re going to need multiple games?  What the hell is the gaming market coming to?  We blame EA.  They trashed the Mass Effect’s ending and now are slipping dirty ideas into the minds of console makers…shame on them, and the like.  Sorry, that might just be some knotted up hostility towards Shepard’s end game.

If publishers are so concerned with used games sales then they should stop complaining and do what you’re supposed to do: either, give incentives to buy new games or OPEN UP YOUR OWN ONLINE USED-GAME STORE. 

 It was nice knowing you. *Sniffle*

That’s what used to happen in this world: someone loses money because a competitor has a better idea, so that certain someone would try to outsmart their competitor or die trying.  A company never just sat on their ass and decided we’re going to complain and then screw the customer. 

That’s not how it works. 

But times have changed, and instead of Americans wanting to better themselves, they just sit around and cry about who owes them what.  Reality check, nobody owes you anything.  Nowadays, companies resemble children running around like sour a-holes suing one another.  Apple is suing Joe Blow, Joe Blow turns around and sues little Mary Buttercup, she huffs and puffs and cries and then sues Johnny Ballsack—it’s all very complicated and convoluted. 

The negligence and audacity of these companies is unbelievable.  Turning around and pushing your problems on your customers is like Burger King telling you—you’re going to eat whatever day-old, half-eaten, piss-soaked slop we serve you, and you’re going to like it.  And we’re lining up to buy the older, more eaten, more piss-soaked burger, because Burger King says it’s the next best thing. 

Another piss-burger, coming right up! 

Well, we don’t have to play their game.  People forget we’re in the driver-seat.  We dictate what kind of products should come out next, and what route the designers should take.  We don’t speak with our words or silly petitions, we speak with our wallets.  

If these consoles come out and require anything we don’t like, don’t spend the money.  After a year of terrible sales, the companies will quickly rethink their investments and revert back to what we have now.  If they don’t, they’ll simply slip into obscurity, to never be heard from again. 

Of course, the above plan could go right out the window if the gamer-drones of the world, just march to the store and buy whatever comes out.  But that would never happen, right?  Society is smarter than that…Right?  Hello?  Oh, forget it.

*Drops the megaphone and steps down from the languid soapbox*

The rage and terrible language of this article is based entirely on speculation, so all of the above problems could just be silliness to the millionth degree.  We hope these rumors aren’t true, but if they are, we’re ready.  Here’s to the next Xbox and Playstation…Hope you guys don’t frig it up.