Video Game Review - Bloodborne

From the first moment you swing your weapon, Bloodborne will suck into its world and never let you go.

A Game Review by Hank:

STORY:

The player assumes the role of a lone hunter, seeking a powerful blood known as Paleblood.  Upon arriving in the city of Yharnam, the hunter discovers a plague that is turning the city's inhabitants into beasties.  The only way to obtain the Paleblood is to navigate the horrific city streets and defeat every damn thing in the way.  Humongous creatures, spilled blood, tremendous sound effects, confusing lore, and the most unbelievably addicting gameplay ensue.

THOUGHTS:

There are video games that have remarkable stories.  This is not Bloodborne.  There are video games that have fantastic open worlds that allow you to choose your own adventure.  This is not Bloodborne.  There are video games that offer competitive online modes that turn into world competitions.  This is also not Bloodborne.  Then there are video games that beat you down and make you yearn to create the most badass, most violent, most heavy-hitting character you can, so you can go back to the foe that pounded you into the ground and destroy them, thus creating the greatest feeling of accomplishment you can get out of a video game.  This—my joystick fondling friends—is Bloodborne.  There is no doubt about it, once you finally beat Bloodborne, you will sit back for a moment and digest the amazing achievement you have just obtained.  Then seconds later you will pick up the controller and venture right back into the game on New Game Plus.  Why?  Because From Software has created an outstanding addictive game that can only be understood if played. 

"Seriously guys?  I wander off for a few minutes and already you've broken into my liquor cabinet?

What will they say at the next PTA meeting?"

WANDERING WITHOUT DIRECTION:

From Software is known to never hold the player's hand throughout a game.  And if you've played their previous titles, such as Demon's Souls or Dark Souls you'll know exactly what you're in for.  Would you like a map?  Tough.  You'll have to wander the streets like a drunken sailor looking for a cozy night with a soiled dove.  You want to know you're next objective?  Up yours.  You'll have to figure that crap out on your own.  Bloodborne doesn't hold your hand and help you across the street.  It lets you get hit by cars a few dozen times until you finally learn to look both ways. 

But can this be discouraging for the player?  Early on…yes.  You will wander around wondering just what your objective is as you strike down every foe in your way.  But once you defeat the first few bosses and move on to the next couple of areas, you'll come to understand why the game doesn't hold your hand.  When you discover a new place or a new disgusting boss and then walk away with a shiny new badge for taking them down, that's when you'll realize having your hand held, defeats the purpose of the game.  With a map or objectives, you'd instantly lose that amazing sense of accomplishment you just felt.  And on top of this, wandering around is half the fun.  Exploring every nook and cranny in the game leads you to amazing trophies, extra weapons, fantastic beasts, and unique gothic environments.  So why not just sit back, relax, swing your sword, and see where the grimy brick road takes you?

"Alright...I'm gonna be totally honest with myself here.  I have no frigging idea how I got up on this

 roof.  And those goddamn directions the bath messengers gave me make 

no sense.  Little f*ckers were probably drunk again."

COMBAT:

Oh baby…the most fun you'll ever have in Bloodborne is swinging whatever unique weapon you chose as your favorite.  From the first time your character lifts a heavy axe or sword or gigantic block of stone and pounds a foe into the ground, and you feel the weight of the character's weapon in your controller, you'll never want to stop swinging.  You'll beat the hell out of foes, bosses, lamps, coffins, birds, vases, books, crates, candlesticks, and whatever else you feel like demolishing.  Why?  Cause it’s just so much damn fun.  But that's not the only thing great about the game. 

The combat is perfectly balanced.  The weapons you choose in the game are considered trick weapons.  Each one comes in two forms: fast attack with less damage and slow attack with more damage.  It's up to the player to choose how to utilize these forms of brutality for each individual foe, but allows you to customize how you'll play the game.  Some players will run around with a gun in one hand, blasting away and hoping for those visceral attacks.  And other players will continually run around with a heavy weapon, looking for an opening to do the most damage.  Either way, you'll evolve as a player and the combat will become second nature.  If you're wondering whether your character is responsive during the game...allow your mind to be at ease.  Every movement, dodge, swing, and blast feels exquisite in Bloodborne, because every button has a purpose and is perfectly positioned on the controller.  Nothing ever feels like a chore during any battles.

Alongside attacks you'll have buttons to also consume blood vials (health) and buttons to dodge out of the way.  And after hours, upon hours of playing, dodging inside an enemy and chopping them down to the ground will become instinct.  And with the game being viewed in third person, it allows the player to virtually see all around them…because there is one place you don't want to be in Bloodborne: stuck in a corner, surrounded by multiple enemies.  The only disadvantage about the third person view is the sometimes wonky camera angle and locking system.

CAMERA ANGLE:

When dodging or striking, the combat system makes it easier on the player by offering a lock-on system when pushing the R3 button.  This places the camera directly behind the player and facing the enemy at all times.  Ninety nine percent of the time this works like a charm, but there are finicky spots in the game, where if you're not close enough to the foe, the camera will instead, spin around and have you facing the opposite direction.  Oops.  This leaves you open for an attack right down your backside.  While this doesn't happen all the time, it does pose a slight problem if you're not paying attention to the enemy, or have multiple enemies coming toward you.  Another wonky problem with the camera is its position in tight areas or those silly corners you accidentally find yourself stuck in.  In these magic moments the camera takes on a life of its own and flies anywhere it damn well pleases, leaving you spamming the dodge button to avoid danger like a madman with a nervous tick on crack.  Fortunately, both of these problems do not pop up nearly enough to hurt the mechanics of the game.  Just once in a while to get your heart pumping and the curses flying.  Most of time the camera is right where you need it: covering your beautiful backside.

"Crap.  After all that...I forgot my frigging rowboat." 

STRESS, ELATION, AND LEVELING:

No other game, currently, will stress you out as much as Bloodborne, but then leave you open to such elation once the battle is all over.  You will constantly be scrambling for lost echoes, but gaining those back is like being kicked in the nuts and then promised the greatest roll in the hay of your life.  Stress…elation.  Aggravation…accomplishment.  This mechanic of the game adds to the addicting gameplay.  But what happens when you finally have a gigantic bucket of echoes?  Well, you get to turn those in for a prize.  What's the prize?  Leveling up of course.  Here's where RPG elements erect themselves within the game.  You can basically build whatever type of character you please, or whatever type of character fits your play style.  Do you enjoy swinging heavy weapons and crushing foes into the ground?  Then you'll be leveling up strength and stamina.  How about pulling a trigger and blowing holes in a creature's face?  Well then, skill and blood tinge is probably where you'll want to drop your blood echoes.  The point is...both the feeling of elation and being able to level your character to your liking, fuels the addiction of having to play Bloodborne and virtually grow your character from nothing.

GAMEPLAY:

As stated above, the point to Bloodborne is growing your character into a wrecking ball and taking down the foes that are the size of mountains.  There's nothing better than getting your ass kicked and then coming back, stronger, faster, and more powerful and taking down the enemy that was giving you trouble.  And remarkably, Bloodborne allows you to do that simply.  The only thing you'll have to somewhat enjoy is farming for blood echoes.  Can you possibly make it through the game without farming?  Maybe.  More than likely though, you'll die too many times and get discouraged and put the game down.  But with the perfect combat and variety of enemies that Bloodborne provides, farming isn't as dull as you would think.  It's actually quite fun running through a level a couple more times and taking down the foes.  Not only will you gain precious blood echoes for leveling, but you'll also become very, very good at the game…to the point that you'll take down almost all the bosses the first time you meet them, even the last boss.  On top of all this, if you do happen to lose all your blood echoes to a boss or a creature that caught you unaware, the ability to go through the level and retrieve them by either finding them on the ground or killing the foe that killed you, pushes the player forward, instead of discouraging gameplay.  This system is perfectly balanced and without it, many Bloodborne players would have stopped playing a long time ago. 

"I came.  I saw.  I destroyed."

"Quiet!  Some of us beasts are trying to sleep."

"Sorry.  Didn't think anyone was still around.  Just practicing some cool lines, while looking cool."

"Beat it, moron."

"Ew...rude."

ART DIRECTION, SOUND, AND LEVEL DESIGN:

Bloodborne is gorgeous in a disgustingly horrific way.  From creatures that crawl around on their bellies and throw up on you, to gigantic spider-like bosses that fall from the sky, to unbelievable gothic architecture, Bloodborne will never cease to impress in the art department.  And along with the aesthetics, there's also the inventive level design.  Are you going to push forward with a boatload of blood echoes?  Well, you may only have to worry for the next couple minutes or so, because every level comes with wonderful shortcuts that allow you to make it safely back to a lantern (lanterns allow you to go back to home base and level up or buy stock in whatever you need to continue) to rest.  On top of level design and art direction, comes the characters and creatures.  Never once will you be bored traveling around in Bloodborne.  Every new area has wonderfully nasty new ghouls for you to discover.  And when you finally do pull out your favorite trick weapon and swing for the fences, the sound will make you feel like you're right there in the action.  From footsteps, to groans, to squishy flesh, to breakable vases, Bloodborne's sound design is impeccable.  From Software wanted a chilling experience with a feeling of despair around every corner and with all the above wrapped up in a nice tight bow, they delivered exactly what they set out to do.

"I swear to God, these doors get harder and harder to open as I go.  Next door I come across, I'm

calling the maintenance man first, so he can give it a good oiling." 

CHALICE DUNGEONS, NEW GAME PLUS AND MULTIPLAYER:

So you put sixty hours into Bloodborne.  You know almost every level by heart.  You've taken down all bosses, side bosses, and various other hunters roaming the landscape.  You've even managed to acquire every awesome weapon in the game, along with every piece of secret armor.  Now what?  Well that's where the fun begins.  You could go back and start a whole new character and run through the game, leveling up different attributes or...you could just keep the one you have and give New Game Plus a try.  New Game Plus keeps the game exactly the same way as you remember it, but you'll have tougher enemies and much, much tougher bosses.  But fortunately for you, you get to keep all your leveling and weapons and inventory and everything you learned to help conquer the new challenge.  And you never stop leveling up.  So you can now try out that mysterious magic offered in the game if you'd like by dropping blood echoes in those attributes, effectively making your character not only a heavy hitter, but also a ranged opponent. 

On top of New Game Plus are Chalice Dungeons.  These are dungeons found in Bloodborne that can be randomly generated and run through if you have the proper items in your inventory.  Some items will drop in the main game to get you started, but most items are found within the dungeons themselves.  But why should you try out the dungeons, when they're just the same thing as the main game, right?  Wrong.  The Chalice Dungeons have unique enemies, bosses, and items to acquire, effectively making them a whole new game in and of themselves.  What more replay ability could you possibly ask for?  The only problem with the dungeons is learning how to navigate through them.  Just like the main game, you get no help, no map, and no idea how they even work.  So a little Internet reading may be in store if you want to tackle these bad boys and earn yourself the precious Platinum trophy.

To add to the fun, Bloodborne even has co-op multiplayer and player versus player in its arsenal.  Now, most people will prefer to take the adventure alone, but if you so choose, you can have a buddy or stranger help you defeat a certain area or a certain boss in both the main game and Chalice Dungeons.  Or you can challenge other players to a duel if you’re feeling frisky.  What could be better than that?  Actually…many things, because attempting to do any kind of multiplayer in Bloodborne is so convoluted and confusing it may discourage some players to even try.  For example: instead of entering a lobby or something similar, you get bells for multiplayer.  Say what?  Ring this bell for this thing, and ring that bell for that thing...oh and this bell helps you do this and that…again, some Internet studying may be required.  Now, on top of ringing all the different bells for different things, the person you're trying to play with has to be in the exact same area to link up.  What does this all create?  A ridiculously confusing system that absolutely requires an overhaul.  Why not just have the ability to link with a friend in the very beginning and be done with it?  Or go to a lobby and find other people trying to fight through the same area as you?  If there's one facet of the game that needs work, sadly, it's the multiplayer aspect.  Fortunately, since the game has been released, From Software has already improved the online aspect a tad, so that means anything listed above can be improved with an update if the developer sees fit.  So here's hoping for the future.

"Listen, I know we haven't known each other that long, but you complete me.  See, Doll...you 

have blood echoes and I need them..."

"Be still my beating heart.  Please, don't stop there.  Tell me more my sweet Hunter."

"Um...that's it really."

CONCLUSION:

Bloodborne is an outstanding exclusive for Playstation.  There's no other way to put it.  With fantastic combat, addicting gameplay, unbelievable art direction, chilling atmosphere and only a few minor hiccups in the camera department and multiplayer, Bloodborne easily falls into one of P&P's 2015 game of the year candidates.  What does that mean?  It means, if you own a PS4 this game should not be missed under any circumstances.

4.5 out of 5 Stars (minus a ½ star for confusing lore, atrocious multiplayer and wonky camera)

Writer & Editor: Hank – Twitter / Twitch

Bloodborne - The Perfect Mix of Pixelated Addiction

With the lukewarm reception of The Order: 1886, Playstation needed another game to bring it back from the slight exclusive hole it found itself in.  So what type of game could possibly make you stay up late at night, until your eyeballs are coating in red and your lips are chapped from dehydration?  What kind of game will make you rip your hair out from aggravation because of an unbelievable tough boss, but then make you feel unstoppable once you've taken it down?  What type of game will make you want to find every secret, take on every enemy, and use every available weapon at your disposal?  Well…a game that feeds an addiction.  That's what.  And currently, on the PS4, there's no game that does it better than Bloodborne.

Bloodborne is a lovely mix of stress, grinding, and elation.  But why?  How can a game that has such a high level of difficulty be so soothing at the same time?  How can a game that makes you want to throw your PS4 out the window be so addicting?  What's the secret?  Well the answer isn't in one grand idea.  It comes down to plenty of factors.  But one thing is for sure.  Once you start playing Bloodborne, you won't stop until every boss is killed, every enemy is found, and every weapon in the game has lain upon your back.  It's just that simple.

"Hey doll, here's a quarter.  Give me a call when you get a little older, huh?" 

STRESS AND ELATION:

Walking down any new corridors or open areas of Bloodborne with a decent amount of blood echoes makes you involuntarily hold your breath until the next lantern (save point) can be found.  You have no idea what lurks around the corner.  Everything could be moving along smoothly and then you come upon an enemy you haven't faced before and stop.  The beast looks weak enough.  You size up the weapon on your back and take in the foe.  "I can do this," you think, "This thing will be a pushover."  And then before you can blink the beast is eating your face and the dreaded "you died" appear on the screen causing you to bang your head against the wall.  What the hell happened?  Suddenly your gaming abilities begin to haunt your dreams and you feel inadequate in the gamer community.  You, my joystick fondling friend...are stressed.  It happens to the best of us.  But don't lose hope.  Your precious blood echoes that you just lost…are simply another challenge away. 

Bloodborne gives you the remarkable ability to go back to that very same enemy you just lost hours of time on and get it all back.  A do over.  A second chance.  This is what keeps you pushing forward through the game.  If the game didn't have this ability, you'd pack it up right there and say, "screw it, I'm done."  And that'd be that.  But the feeling of being able to get all your hard work back keeps you gaming.  So you end up grabbing that controller with a fierceness and determination to kick that new enemy's ass.  You run through the entire level just to get to it, draw your favorite trick weapon and school the crap out of that beast.  Boom sauce.  Blood echoes retrieved.  This, my friends, is the feeling of elation.  And being able to gain all those lost blood echoes back makes Bloodborne so very, very addicting. 

"Ya know, you almost snuck up on me.  It was probably your massive size or that ridiculously 

loud bell hanging around your neck that gave you away." 

NEW ENEMIES:

People that haven't played the game will ask questions like, "But what's the story?" or "Why are you still running around killing things?"  And the answers are simple: Who cares and because it feels so good and it's so much damn fun.  If Bloodborne simply threw the same enemies at you the entire game *cough* The Order *cough* you'd be bored out of your mind.  But as you progress through the game, there's always something new lurking around the corner and it usually isn't something you want to fight without a strategy.  But the sheer variety of baddies you encounter—even in the very first area—will keep you pushing forward to find what else the game has to offer.  And with every new enemy come more of those precious blood echoes (used to level up).  So why not push forward another half hour just to see what lies ahead.  Will it be a disgusting giant pig?  Or how about a steaming pile of snakes?  A wraith?  A reaper?  A werewolf?  Or maybe a crazy, gun toting old man in a wheelchair?  Whatever it is…the game will keep you itching for more.  For more new enemies and for more precious blood echoes, feeding that blood thirsty addiction.

THE TRICK WEAPONS:

Ever wanted to swing a dainty sword at an enemy and once they're stunned, stuff that dainty sword in a humongous block of stone and then pound the crap out of them?  Of course you do.  Another reason Bloodborne sucks you in is the trick weapons in the game.  A trick weapon is a weapon that can be used multiple ways.  Like the above, there are plenty of other weapons to be found and rewarded to the player for either leveling up their character or taking down a certain boss.  So what better way to keep a gamer coming back for more poundings than to offer a sweet prize for their success?  And once you get a taste of whacking anything with your weapons—even smashing crates and vases—you'll never want to stop swinging.  Or collecting all the awesomely massive weapons the game has to offer.

"Listen, the Doo Wop sounds great guys, but don't you think a little "Light my Fire" by the 

Doors is more appropriate?"

THE LEVELING SYSTEM:

This is the final piece to the addiction puzzle.  So there you are standing half way between a lantern and a boss.  You have almost enough blood echoes to increase your level.  What do you do?  Do you push forward to the end and risk your current progress or cut down a few more enemies and then backtrack it all the way to the lantern?  This is the heart of strategic play in Bloodborne.  This is a question every hunter will ask themselves at some point in the game and probably more and more as you progress through each area.  This is a perfect balance between feeling adrenaline and going for it, or playing it safe and strengthening your character.  And why would people decide to go for it, instead?  Because all the enemies you just struck down will respawn once you come back to the area.  So what does this do?  This respawning mechanic keeps you farming areas for more blood vials and blood echoes just to keep your character growing strong.  You'll return time and time again to the same locales just to level up your character.  You want to be able to swing harder don't you?  Yep.  You want to be able to swing more often, right?  Yep.  So you'll spend more and more time pushing your way through areas and before you know it, you've spent half of your glorious sleep killing beasts in Bloodborne.  Feeding the addiction of wanting more.  You want to kill that next boss as quickly as possible, right?  Well then you better raise your level a couple more times…or maybe even more.  And you'll definitely feel like a badass when you're running through an area and crushing foes with just one or two swings of your holy sword.  This is the true genius of Bloodborne: Allowing the gamer to feel the raw power of working toward strengthening their character.  This is what makes you come back time and time again for more blood.  This is what makes Bloodborne such an addicting game.

"I don't understand these new headstones at all.  I gave it a dollar.  Now spit out my goddamn 

Mountain Dew."

CONCLUSION:

You may have more addictions than the above or you may have less, but one thing is for sure, once you begin to play Bloodborne it will suck you in one way or another.  It'll make you yearn for that next level or for that next notch on your belt for taking down a boss.  It'll make you want to smash every creature's face in with a hammer or a scabbard or a massive axe.  Bloodborne may not have the greatest story ever told in gaming, or a map, or even give you any direction whatsoever while playing, but no matter what, you'll continue to come back for more because it’s the perfect mix of pixelated addiction.  Just remember to eat and drink and relieve yourself from time to time…because there's no reviving at a lantern in this life.

Article by: Hank – Twitter / Twitch

Video Game Review - The Order: 1886

The Order: 1886 wastes no time revealing its hand.  From the moment it begins you're bombarded with beautiful graphics, tremendous cut-scenes, and top-notch voice acting.  But where does that leave the gameplay and story?

STORY:

In an alternate 1886 London, werewolves run a mock and only one small group of knights can stop them: The Order.  The knights have traded in their swords for more practical weapons like shotguns and hand cannons, but their sworn oath to take out the Lycans has remained the same.  Players assume the role of Galahad: a valiant knight that isn't old, but experienced with a sexy mustache and mussed hair.  Nothing will stop Sir Galahad from tracking down the source of this terrible evil…except maybe an unfinished story.

"I don't know about you, but after this...I'm going back to that brothel to catch a few more STD's."

THOUGHTS:

If there was ever a video game that allowed players to sit on a couch and pig out while almost gaming, this would be it.  There are equally the same amounts of cut-scenes as there is gunplay.  So before you start the The Order: 1886, make sure you have a gigantic bucket of popcorn, a hotdog wrapped in bacon, one large fry, a cheesesteak, fish and chips, a milkshake, and a box of junior mints to finish it all off.  Because this is one long movie and just a small box of Raisinets is not going to cut it. 

You might notice when you start The Order that a percentage of the screen is missing.  Do not attempt to look under the sofa or in between the cushions…it’s actually not supposed to be there.  Did the developer add the black bars at the top and bottom of the screen to make the game more cinematic?  Or just to decrease the amount of pixels, because it couldn't run at full 1080p?  This is anyone's guess.  But it's best not to think about it and push on. 

The Order is beautiful.  In fact, it's one of the most beautiful games the PS4 has in its arsenal at the moment.  The detail to the characters and the extremely well crafted guns are some of the best pixelated artistry you'll see on console.  On top of the gorgeous art, you get astounding voice over and character animations.  The slight changes in facial expressions allow you to see a protagonist go from happy to sad to worried with just an eye adjustment.  And watching one of the main characters contemplate their next move is breathtaking.  But the problem is gamers have watched movies before.  We've sat in a theater or at home and have seen great acting on screen.  So whether or not you enjoy yourself, all comes down to the gameplay.

"I know you can't do anything about your ugly face, but a Tic Tac could possibly solve that halitosis."

GAMEPLAY:

The few and far between gun fights that happen within The Order are heavily inspired by Gears of War.  You might be saying, "Good, I love Gears of War," but do you really remember all the immense battles in those games?  The massive fights you'd get in and the fun weapons you'd be able to use?  Well forget all that while you’re playing The Order.  The closest thing you get to fun, is at one point your character uses a rocket launcher for a couple of minutes.  Aside from that, most of the time is spent using different rifles, a few machine guns, and the same pistols.  Now, it may sound like a Call of Duty type game, but the gunplay is cliché and uninspired.  Duck and wait…return fire and then rinse and repeat.  Now, a few of the sequences do have enemies dressed up like The Man in the Iron Mask, but they are just bullet sponges.  You literally have to sink over 15 shots into these idiots to put them down and their shotgun—no matter if you're behind cover or not—stings and hurts you.  So the gun "play" just becomes slightly more tedious and frustrating.

Now…at one point the shootouts do get turned up to eleven and that's when you're fighting in a kitchen area.  Why?  Because pots and pans, man.  Pots and pans.  The physics in some parts of the game is actually entertaining.  For instance, in the kitchen you'll have more fun shooting the hanging pots then the actual enemies that are trying to kill you.  But sheer awesomeness doesn't surface until you get to the warehouse and the game begins to mimic a county fair.  The enemies will actually pour out of one side of the screen like ducks and it's your job to take them down.  The only thing this sequence was missing was the ding sound as each enemy was shot in the head.  Nothing like nostalgia, right?

"Hmmm...small alley with cover carefully placed here and there.  Yep, pretty much what I expected." 

THE WEREWOLVES:

Sprinkled in between the gun battles and long cut-scenes are a few werewolf scenarios.  Actually there are two kinds: one scenario puts you in a large room and exactly three Lycans will charge at you.  You shoot and dodge and then press another button to take them down.  The other scenario is more like an interactive movie: a giant Lycan growls and slashes and you press the button prompts to avoid being eaten.  The first scenario sounds like fun, but with the QTE included to dodge, it becomes outrageously stupid and tedious.  The second scenario is actually copied twice in the game and is ridiculous.  If you think you're actually making the moves shown on screen you're sadly mistaken.  Because there are times when you’re fighting the giant werewolf and trying to press a button, but nothing happens.  Why?  Because it's not scripted at that moment.  So you'll have to wait for the script to kick in and then one of your button mashes will finally go through.  Kevin Sorbo has the perfect reaction to these sequences.

THE STEALTH:

There's not much to say except the stealth in the game is terrible.  Done.  You would think with all the massive stealth titles out there to pull reference from, like Hitman, or Splinter Cell, that these areas would be fun.  Nope.  Just more button prompts.  And if you fail pressing that one button, you have to do the entire area over again.  There's no running away or punching the guy in the face or causing the sequence to go from stealth to action.  There's nothing.  You either do the stealth exactly as the game tells you or you're dead.  Fail.

HOW IS THE STORY:

Yes…how is the story?  Well, do you like your stories to have no ending?  How about a love story that really doesn't matter?  Or how about characters that basically are just pixelated bodies thrown in to take up space?  If so, then you'll love the story.  The funny thing is all the ingredients were there for a fantastic romp: Old school London, Steampunk, gorgeous weapons, werewolves, Tesla, the Knights of the Round Table, and even Jack the Ripper.  But it turns out that the actual execution of the story is more like the Three Stooges trying to bake a cake.  They have all the right ingredients.  They even have the recipe on how to it, but for some reason everything turns out blowing up in their faces.  When a main character gets hurt, you won't even care because they haven't been explored yet.  And then when the ending leaves story plots up in the air (can you say PlayStation franchise) you’re left scratching your head with the controller.

"I have to find that sniper...but first I must read every newspaper in the room and 

look at every photograph."

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE:

The Order could have been that much more interesting if the player could have chosen—just in a couple of spots—how the story played out.  But instead your hand is held while you walk through scripted event after scripted event.  There's no weaving your own path or telling your own story.  You basically sit there and watch a movie unfold, while being prompted to push a button every once in a while.  Cool story, bro.

HOW TO MAKE A SHORT GAME LONGER:

The Order is short.  About seven hours with half that time being cut-scenes.  But it didn't need to be that long.  It feels as though the developers had a good few hours and then thought, "Well, crap…how do we make it longer?"  And some joker in the back of the room was like, "Let's make the main character read the paper and look at old photographs."  And everyone cheered and slapped that guy in the ass and said, "gg."  Not only do these boring events take place, but you'll also spend time searching bookcases and an entire warehouse for certain things...just like real life.  And you know how much fun looking for a needle in a haystack is, so there's no need to go into detail.  Also, your character feels like he weighs two thousand pounds and attempting to push the thumb stick to get him to move is horrific.  They actually slowed him down in areas so wandering around would take even longer.  If you pulled out the searching sequences, the walking sequences, and the studying objects sequences, the game would literally take about four hours…tops.  But they had to make it feel longer.  And it sure does.  It feels so long in parts you'll completely stop looking at newspapers and disregard trophies just to get to the next cut-scene or…hopefully a gun battle.

"Man, everyday these mobile games get more and more complicated.  What'll they think of next?"

CONCLUSION:

The Order: 1886 shows Playstation fans what's possible in terms of graphics and beauty.  And Ready at Dawn took a shot at attempting something new in gaming and should be commended for that.  But with uninspired gameplay, and sequences that completely bog down the flow of the story, you'd be much better off spending your hard earn money on another game or waiting for this one to go on sale.  The upside is the sequel is definitely coming and with this mess already out of the way, hopefully the next game focuses on just fixing all the problems.  Imagine what a sequel would be like if the graphics and beauty remained, but the story and gameplay was also top-notch?  Complete gaming bliss.

2.5 out of 5 Stars (add a star for graphics & beauty, and ½ star for voice-over)

Video Games: The All-Digital Future

WARNING: the following article is lathered in extreme sarcasm and should be read with a continuous sly grin and sporadic maniacal laugh.  Enjoy.

When you come home from a long day, the first thing you need to do is shake off all the stupid you've accumulated from other human beings.  And the only way to do that is with pixelated adventuring.  So you grab two pounds of bacon, 360 ounces of soft drink (diet of course), a barrel of cheese balls, and then bury your ass in your favorite chair…but not before the arduous task of opening a video game case and slipping the disc inside your console.

After years of vanquishing evil, the holy warrior arrived at his hardest task yet: a boat with no oars.

After decades of leveling up you've realized something: the last thing you want to do is make life more complicated…and sitting down and preparing a video game has just become a hassle.  There must be some way to make the experience better.  Well, there is.  It's called the digital video game marketplace: where everything is made of pixelated lollipops and artificial rainbows.  Why should you have to waste fifteen seconds slipping a disc in your machine, when those precious seconds could be spent eating another cheese ball smothered in bacon?  Why should anyone have to go through the harrowing task of finding a spot for all those 1/2 inch wide disc cases?  And why should any gamer have to go outside *gulp* and hand money to another human being in exchange for goods?  Why?

None of those terrible situations should have to be completed by anyone, when all you have to do is push a button to purchase and download the newest game.  Now, let's not mention the extremely long amount of time it could take to download these games.  Depending on your Internet speed, you might be able to run to the store twice or even eat double the amount of cheese balls.  But that's just injecting logic where is doesn't belong.  The truth is: purchasing a digital video game is the Lord's work.  It is everything that is good in a world where people need their pleasures yesterday.  But before you go organizing town wide disc-burnings and declaring Blu-ray the devil, there are a few things about the inevitable All-Digital future you should probably know.

Gamers around the world reveled in The Witcher 3 storyline...right up until Geralt challenged 

a creature to a dance-off for a loaf of bread. 

OWNERSHIP:

If you don't know it by now, here's a reminder: you don't own anything you purchase digitally.  You're only purchasing a license to use the product.  But do you really need to own anything in this world, anyway?  No.  Life and everything in it is a pixelated illusion like the Matrix, a series of random zeroes and ones.  And you're satisfied knowing that a few colored pixels are yours to use right up until you're dead.  So who cares about bequeathing anything to your heirs?  Screw the family.  They've never really given you anything but love and affection.  And who needs that when you're trying to beat Diablo 3 in the hardest mode?

TRADE INS:

Digital collections are so easy to manage: when a hard drive is full all you have to do is delete a game and replace it with the next best thing.  A few years down the line you could always go back and replay your game and it didn't even collect any dust.  And with all the new games coming out every week, of course a few years from now you'll want to go back and replay that game that already has ten sequels.  Only silly people would take their old games that they haven't played in months or years and trade them in to get money for new ones.  You'd have to be seen in public anyway.  And going outside could be very detrimental to your health.  Have you ever tried crossing a street?

 

"Trust me, gents, aim for the nuts!  It's the only way!"

LENDING:

Nobody likes to share.  Everyone knows that.  "You want me to allow my friend to try a game for a day or week while I'm playing something new?  No way!"  Your games—er licenses—are yours and nobody will lay a finger on them ever again.  By having a digital collection, you will never have to share.  Of course the PS4 has that new share feature coming up, where you'll be able to hand over the controller (via the internet) for an hour so your friend can try out a game.  Dang.  And you'll have to be online and sit there while your friend has all the fun.  Dang, dang.  At least they won't have to be in your house like the old days.  Nobody enjoys having people in their living room, playing their games and eating their food.

"Well, we have to get down there somehow..."

"Alright, Hotshot, then you jump first, because hay from a few hundred feet is ridiculous 

and my stupid meter is completely filled."

PRICES:

So we've finally come to the real advantage to a digital future.  These old disc based ways cause games to still be priced at sixty bucks a pop with only a few hours of campaign.  And all your hard-earned money goes to the evil retail corporations instead of the developers.  But with an All-Digital future you won't have to worry about that anymore.  With digital pricing you can fully support your developers by giving more money directly to them, especially if they don't have to compete with brick and mortar store prices.  And currently with no overhead on digital games—no child labor plants making discs, no drivers being paid to ship them, no money going towards keeping the lights on in a store, and absolutely no money paying a cashier's salary—new AAA games are already much, much cheaper in the digital marketplace than their retail counterparts.  It's amazing that discs have lasted this long with their digital versions practically free compared to the retail versions.

You must also understand that sneaky retail stores have something called shelf space that only comes in a limited amount.  So at one point or another, these devil-stores have to sell their video games cheaper to make room for new games.  It's a fairly new idea called "the sale."  But you won't have to worry about that anymore with all games becoming digital in the future, and pixelated shelf space becoming infinite.  And since developers and publishers won't be competing with retail, they can set their game prices as low (Yay!) or as high (Boo!) as they see fit.  As an example, just look at all the perfectly priced mobile games in App stores.  There's not a single one more than 99 cents.  So don't fret…a developer or publisher would never charge more than what their video game is worth, especially with the cost of production going up every second.  You'll just be swimming in all the extra cash you'll be saving on brand-new digital video games.  It'll be gaming nirvana.  And you'll be a god.

"You like that, tough guy?  The king of stealth taught me this."

"Batman?"

"Batman's fictional you idiot.  It was Sam Fisher."

CONCLUSION:

Thank goodness an All-Digital future is inevitable, because the strenuous effort it takes to insert a gaming disc is corrupting society.  A decade from now, gamers will be showered in pixelated candy canes and animated fairy dust.  And with all those wonderful benefits listed above, only a fool would want an actual disc they can own and hold in their hands.

PlayStation Now: The End of Consoles?

(Xbox: Later -- Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Over a year ago, Sony acquired a company named Gaikai, a streaming gaming service, and the news made most gamers pass gas and then go back to their daily lives of filtering porn and reading reviews.  But that all was about to change come 2014's CES show.  During that show, Sony unveiled its answer to backwards gaming compatibility—something that had been left out of the shiny new PS4 box—leading most joystick-fondlers to send texts starting with, "WTF!," and then declare nothing made sense anymore.  Well…whether you like it or not, the future is here console children, and it's called PlayStation Now.

"Hey, that looks remarkably like a PS3 plugged in behind there..."

"We have another Code-Red.  Blue team move in.  If they don't accept the gift bag, hit 'em with the

stun gun and drag 'em off the floor."

WHAT IS PLAYSTATION NOW?

It's a magical cloud filled with video game promises and lollipop power-ups.  It's the answer to every gamer's dilemma: "What the hell am I going to do at grandma’s, besides falling asleep in the bathroom with my pants down?"  Well, my fellow pixelated adventurist, your dilemma has been filed away under inappropriate behavior, but more importantly, has been answered by Sony.  PlayStation Now allows you to log onto Sony's gaming cloud and play all your favorite PlayStation games (PS3 and older) until your eyeballs fall out, from anywhere on almost anything.  Close your eyes and picture a never ending library of video games just waiting—calling out—to you to reach that next level, so you can brag to your friends or non-gaming co-workers.  Isn't it marvelous?  There's just one tiny, itsy bitsy little catch.  It's all done streaming from the Internet.  So the real question is: "Does grandma have at least 5Mbps of broadband connection for your gaming needs?"  Or more importantly, "Does your work have a good Wi-Fi connection in the bathroom?"  Probably not.  But that's not to say this isn't a huge step in the right direction for gamers.

"I promised I wouldn't cry...but it's been my dream to be streamed in the bathroom while a 

gamer is taking a dump."

PS NOW - THE PROS & CONS:

Technology is fantastic…as long as you're capable of staying on top of it.  The biggest concern with PS Now is whether your Internet (or lack thereof) can handle the service.  What happens if you're in the middle of a fire-fight in COD and your Internet is on the fritz or has a hiccup?  Well, looks like you'll have to spend another twenty minutes hiding in the office closet making back that loss.  But these problems are basically the same ones that exist in any multiplayer today.  So if your connection is pretty solid, PS Now shouldn't give you any trouble.

"Yeah, but all these older games are for people who only own a PS4 or Sony tablet or Sony TV...I already own a PS3 and Vita and have played all the games.  So what do I get?"  A swift kick in the genitals for being such a diehard fan.  Congrats, now get out of Sony's face.  Actually, PS Now will allow you to play, save, and continue from anywhere, at any time, on all kinds of different devices (Sony plans to move the service to TVs, tablets, and even non-Sony products).  So the non-PlayStation owners will benefit the most from the service, but Sony has promised to let you play The Last of Us (a game you've already beaten on your PS3, because it's remarkable) on your Vita.  So there's that.

"Yo, check this out..."

"I know right.  Those graphics are awesome.  Imagine what they'd look like on a HD TV.  It would 

be epic--oh wait..." 

Xbox fan-boys are rubbing their sweaty palms together and drooling on controllers, just waiting for the day they can simply play all the exclusive PS games they missed on their TV.  Not so fast, Microsoft-lovers.  There's a little thing called cost.  You didn't think a great service like this would be free did you?  Of course not, you're smarter than that—you own an Xbox One for heaven's sake.  So what will the cost of such a tremendous library of games be?  Right now, Sony is saying the service can be paid as a subscription or on a purchased game basis, but many details still remain hidden until the summer.  So while you're poolside, lathering up those few hundred pounds you put on during winter, Sony will be rolling out PS Now to the masses.  The good thing is Sony really does right by the people buying their services, as any PS Plus owner will tell you.  So it's easy to expect more for less with PS Now.

"I don't get it.  Go one block up they said.  Turn right.  Two more blocks and then a left.  How in the hell did I end up here?"

BUT IS THIS THE END OF CONSOLES?

You might have seen the articles and heard the presentations of PlayStation Now and thought, "We'll, crap, if I can access HD gaming from my tablet, or TV—why in the hell would I ever need a console again?"  And you wouldn't be alone.  Many gamers have the same feeling sloshing around in their stomach, along with cheese balls and under-cooked burritos, but the truth is, no matter how fast Internet speeds get, and no matter how quick companies can stream HD data, having a local box with up-to-date hardware (Xbox One or PS4 or a high-end PC for example) will always be faster and more powerful.

So is this truly the end of consoles?  In short, no.  As internet speeds continue to climb in the next decade, machines and processors and video cards will also continue to grow.  A better question is would Sony, since they have PS Now, do away with a console in the next decade?  They could, but that would only hurt sales.  There's a large chunk of the market that still doesn't have high-speed Internet, and probably won't in the coming years.  But the even better question is: Could this be the end of the console as we know it today?  Possibly.  That shiny new box you have sitting near your HD television could be the last time you see games in disc format, but that's a fight for another article entirely.

"Go ahead, I dare ya.  Say I have a stutter one more time because I'm streaming.  See what happens."

What might disappear in the next decade?  Handhelds.  PS Now or any service of the like could eventually kill handhelds, especially if any tablet (phone?) could access a vast gaming library.  Then there would be no need for devices like the Vita or 3DS.  Why go out and buy a handheld when you already have a tablet at home to access a library of games?  And if PS Now is even a tiny bit successful, you can bet other companies (Microsoft, Nintendo, etc.) will be jumping on the bandwagon, if they haven't started already.  And that's where the real fun begins, because more streaming services from different companies, creates competition.  And competition creates better offers, better games, and better features…all adding up to one thing: a better experience for the gamer.  No matter how you view PlayStation Now—awesome or just another silly idea—it's still a great opportunity for us joystick-fondlers.  So let's wipe the cheesy residue from our fingertips and raise our controllers or keyboards in unison, and toast to great gaming innovation.