DVD Movie Review - Dead Man Down

Like a blind date, Dead Man Down, mysteriously confuses you in the beginning.  Along the way it drops hints about what kind of person it may or may not be.  And just when you think you have it pegged—whether as a psycho who'll chop you up into little bits or a person who wants to procreate all night—BAM, it reverses gears and backs right over your ass.

"I don't know about you, but that's the last time I go to Lego League.  Those kids are brutal."

If you're like most casual viewers, than you don't really know anything about this movie.  On top of that, you might have seen who's behind it (WWE Studios who birthed such Oscar nominated films like The Marine 2 or Knucklehead) and thought to yourself, this movie has garbage written all over it.  Most people will let this film walk on by and erase it from their memory like an obese woman stuffed in a stretched-to-the-limit tube top.  But I'm here to tell you how wrong you are my friends.  Is it possible?  Could a movie that almost no one went to see and most people never even heard of be good?  You damn right it can.  And once you watch it, you'll want to kick yourself for not rented this as soon as it came out.

STORY:

Victor (Colin Farrell) a rising thug in a criminal organization has a sexy French neighbor (Noomi Rapace) who waves at him.  When their paths finally cross, French accents, out-of-control twists, and a perfectly written plot ensues.

"Tell me straight: I was a better War Machine, right?"

THOUGHTS:

If the story outline above seems a little vague—good, because you'll want to go into this movie without any hint of what it's about.  It'll make it that much more surprising, entertaining, and suspenseful.

When the movie begins you'll be absolutely confused as a series of chaotic scenes unravel without (what seems to be) any connection whatsoever.  It'll either make you want to stop the movie and throw it out the window, or intrigue you just a smidgen.  Stay with it and follow through, because once you think you know what kind of movie this is going to be, the plot thickens.  And then it thickens some more.  And then it escalates.  And then it escalates some more, until it bursts all its gooey plot-ness on your face, leaving you fulfilled and maybe a little sticky.  But it's a good sticky.

"Is it me, or does it seem like everyone's staring at us?"

"We're shooting a movie, bro."

"Oh, right."

Dead Man Down also chooses to believe its audience has some intelligence.  It never holds your hand or continually repeats important plot points.  The story unfolds in well executed scenes and great dialogue, and if you didn't take the time to pay attention, the film steams forward without so much as a tiny look back.  After a few minutes the movie will drop the first hint of backstory.  And most people would relax knowing that they have the story's direction.  But then more backstory trickles out, taking you down a completely different path.  And after it's all over, you'll want to go back and watch it again.  And a second viewing will really show you the plot intricacies, and the amazing layout of the story.  Not one ridiculously confusing scene in the beginning is out of place.  It just seems that way until you know the full story.

"Psst...there's something I've been wanting to tell you.  I let one go, but it's trapped in the sofa

cushion and you probably won't smell it until I get up."

Now what kind of story is it you ask?  Dead Man Down is a story about people wanting to go back and change an unchangeable past.  You have to be the type of person that doesn't mind a gritty blood-splattering gun fest, but also yearns for a deeper story than a bunch of idiots running around killing everyone.  Bodies fall, bullets fly, and one half-naked backside seeps into the story.  This isn't a skin-fest, but it certainly won't be found in the kid's video section.  It's definitely not a teenage romance and you will not be chatting up the film while getting a pedicure.  It's just a good old-fashioned action-thriller with hints of mystery, passion, and family.

Alright, alright...stop me if you heard this one: three idiots are standing in front of a mailbox...

ACTING & DIALOGUE:

If there's anyone out there that hasn't seen the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy starring Noomi Rapace, then what the hell are you doing reading this?  Stop and go watch that greatness.  In other words, Noomi Rapace is a fantastic actress, who utilizes slight mannerisms and facial expressions to say more than any dialogue can.  She's so good in this, that her acting actually brings Colin Farrell's performance up a notch.  With superb dialogue to support the well-cast actors, the film's quieter moments become just as good as the action-packed ones—including the short opening monologue.

"That's the last time I hear Cheadle out of your mouth.  If you say something that even rhymes 

with Cheadle, so help me..."

>>>TWO TRIVIAL PROBLEMS – WARNING!!! SPOILER ALERT:

Neither of the following scenes do enough damage to weaken the plot in any way, but no movie is without its faults.  So with that being said:

There's a scene involving Victor bringing someone dinner in an empty warehouse.  The dialogue was trying to bring extra suspense to the story.  But even with two viewings, the scene will still leave you scratching your head after the exchange, instead of ramping up the tension.  You understand why it was included, but here's a case where the scene could have been dropped completely without hurting the story or the pace.

The second problem is the ending scene: the one where Colin Farrell becomes the Irish Rambo and completely takes out an entire two gangs with ease.  It pulls the gritty, grounded reality right out from beneath the film.  Toning down the body count to a number countable on your hand might have helped.  END OF SPOILERS<<<

"I think it's time we seek one of those meetings."

CONCLUSION:

Dead Man Down will surprise the crap out of you if you let it.  It'll spread its warm sticky love all over your body, but you won't be rushing off to the shower.  Instead you'll lie in that greatness for a time until you consider watching it all over again.  If you've been yearning for a solid action/thriller/mystery film, then don't kick yourself for missing this one.  Just nonchalantly stop clicking the mouse to make the porn site load faster, pull up your pants, wash your hands (this is most important), and head to your nearest rental joint and pick this up.  In the end, it's guaranteed you'll say: "Huh…that was a pretty damn good movie.  Who would of thought?"

4 out of 5 stars (minus a ½ star for WWE Studios & a ½ star for the small problematic scenes)

DVD Movie Review - Welcome to the Punch

Welcome to the Punch is the only cop drama where the police use their charming good-looks, British accent, and blotchy beard to take down criminals.

STORY:

Max Lewinsky (James McAvoy) is a rough and tumble cop looking to take down the notorious Jacob Sternwood (Mark Strong).  When Max finally does find him, Sternwood gives him a present to remember—a bullet in the knee (as opposed to an arrow).  Sternwood disappears and three years later we find Max draining an aching knee and hating everyone.  Sternwood's son is then arrested, and Max is sure it'll bring the famed criminal out of hiding.  Crazy non-gun fights, solemn stares into nothing, and convoluted plots and sub-plots ensue.

"Is that a knee?  I hate knees!"

THOUGHTS:

Maybe it's the American in me, but tracking a notorious criminal—who's escaping with three other dudes carrying machine guns—with nothing more than a pubescent beard, is just plain stupid in my book.  What did Max expect to do once he cornered the infamous Jacob Sternwood?  Sing him show tunes?  Maybe they could have sat down and talked it out over a game of Pictionary.  What?  Criminals like Pictionary too.

If you don't know, most of the British police force does not carry guns.  Welcome to the Punch attempts to run with that underlining message throughout the film, but somewhere along the convoluted railways, the film derails.  The problem with the movie is it takes itself too seriously.  But how can a story be serious when such a stupid action (fighting a machine-gun toting villain unarmed) is the basis for the whole plot.  Come on Britain, get with the program: a mag-lite, a badge, and determination, does not stop bullets.  At least give your boys a samurai sword or maybe a slingshot.  A pocket full of pebbles would probably fare better in a fight, than nothing.

"I said, give me back my purple pencil, or I'll tell mom!" 

So the movie wants you to see the violence and terrible effects of guns and their cousins—bullets.  It shows Max draining his injured knee and barely moving around, reminding the audience that guns equal bad, and that the police should be armed for their own safety.  The movie also wants you to feel every death, so murder scenes slow down and show a tad bit of emotion—there's even a very dramatic strangulation scene that pushes brutality in your face.  And then the movie decides that the audience has had forty or so minutes of wussy crap, and goes full-blown slow-motion, all out, gun blazing, diving over cover, crazy.  Say what?

"Who's your favorite X-man?"

"I don't have to tell you anything...so naahhh."

That’s right.  About half way through, a pissed off Max decides it’s really time to catch this Sternwood after all, and finally checks out—I don't even know if I can say the word without scaring myself—a gun.  *Covers mouth with hand and then breathes heavily into a paper bag*.  Sound the alarm!  Batten down the hatches!  One angry policeman has a handgun.  The whole world is coming to an end.  The scene should be emotional, but comes off laughable.  Have the writers of this film ever seen any of the Rambos?  Especially the last one—where he turns a fifty caliber machine around in a jeep and makes human Swiss cheese?  Just thinking about that part brings a slight tear to my eye.  Sniffle.

So after the huge point Welcome to the Punch was trying to make, the writer and director decide to throw the whole non-gun thing under the bus, and go action crazy.  You won't really mind though, seeing as not a lot has happened up to this point.  The ending sequence literally has everyone killing everyone, without remorse.  It goes to show you that sooner or later, bullets may be needed to solve a few problems.  And there's even a tad bit of humor that erupts during a scene involving someone's mother, but then more convoluted plot creeps in and snuffs it out.  You'll see the credits roll and end up thinking more about the half-eaten, week old sandwich you left fermenting between the sofa cushions, than the film you just watched.  It happens.  But who can blame you, when you end up smelling bologna all night?

"Now, either you watch the rest of this film, or the old bag gets two in the head."

ACTING:

James McAvoy didn't come off as a determined cop in the film, and whether the casting department thought a patchy beard would do the trick, no one can say.  When reflecting back on his acting, you'll not remember too much beyond the sullen, stern face he gives everyone.  A kitten trying to claw its way out of a wet paper bag has shown more emotion.

Mark Strong plays Mark Strong—seriously, every film he's in, he plays the same guy: tough on the outside, slightly soft on the inside.  Although, it is his performance that holds the movie together, as his scenes are much more believable compared to everyone else.  And then there's Andrea Riseborough, who is the icing on the cake, but surely isn't around enough to lift the film any higher than mediocre drama.

"Please, Max, I--"

"Shh...I'll do it.  I'll shave tonight.  I promise."

!!!WARNING -- SPOILER!!!:

After capping Max in the knee, Sternwood decides it’s time to work with him.  And instead of a reason why or even a conversation, you get nothing.  The pair just start running around together killing bad guys.  Max does ask Sternwood why he didn't kill him in the beginning, and Sternwood just answers: "For what?"  Which must be the movie's explanation failing to make an impact.  And at the end, after they both have gunned down bad guys, side by side, Max turns and points his gun at Sternwood.  Didn't they just help each other?  The next line out of Sternwood's mouth should have been: "Gee, thanks a lot, dick."  But like most of the film, dialogue takes a backseat to actors staring holes into each other.  END OF SPOILER!!!

"Will you go out with me--please check one.  Is this serious?"

CONCLUSION:

After the ending, the movie bypasses the storage part of your brain and heads straight for the disposal department.  It's a shame really, because you have several solid actors gracing the screen.  But with a back-pedaling gun message, and a plot involving more names than actions, you'll find yourself thinking about what's for dinner, than actually wondering why Britain's police force doesn't carry guns.  So if you're aching for something new to watch on DVD—and you've seen everything else—than Welcome to the Punch is an almost satisfying crime thriller.  If you're looking for an excellent story or humor-filled action, than I'd say a trip to your own movie collection might fare better.  Throw in Heat or Die Hard or Leon (The Professional) or The Usual Suspects or The Godfather or—well you get the idea—you'll get your action, humor, drama fix, and you won't feel like you've wasted a couple of hours.  Guys, if you’re looking for a date night DVD, you might have to settle for The Notebook again, unless you can con her into thinking Rambo is a teenage romance.

2 out of 5 stars (minus 2 stars for missed message and a star for not enough Andrea)

Book Review - All You Need Is Kill

Any story that includes oodles of killing, funny one-liners, giant alien frogs, and names like: Full Metal Bitch, will hold my attention any day.

All You Need Is Kill is a no non-sense Sci-Fi novel, getting right to the meat of the matter.  There's no tremendous backstory, no getting caught up in a love story, and no learning curve to tackle extreme names and ridiculous environments.  It throws you into the heat of battle and stays there until the finale.  If you're looking for written housewife porn or silly teenage romances involving werewolves, chipmunks, and dragons—this is not your book.  This novel is for the person who dreams of putting on a mechanized suit and wielding an axe the size of a tree-trunk to rip through hoards of bloated sea aliens.

You might look at this picture and say "that looks like a riot outfit with left-over car parts glued to it," 

but you'd be wrong.

STORY:

Keiji Kiriya is a new recruit, just a few days out of basic, getting ready for his first real taste of the battlefield.  With help from a mechanized suit—called a Jacket—he's thrown head first into a war zone to face an aquatic enemy known only as the Mimics.  These giant bloated frogs—at least that's how the protagonist sees them—are leaving nothing but desert behind wherever they attack, and they're next location is Japan where the wet-behind-the-ears Keiji is stationed.  The story would end a few pages in after a dramatic death on the battle field, but the next thing Keiji knows, he's right back in his bunk again awaiting the oncoming battle.  Confusion really sets in when he meets a Jacket painted bright red, piloted by none other than the Full Metal Bitch from the U.S. Special forces.  Crazy frog killing, axe wielding, and dark humor ensues.

THOUGHTS:

You might be thinking to yourself: "I've never heard of this title.  Why would anyone decide to pick this up and read it?"  Well, besides the catchy premise, I thought the same thing.  The reason I even discovered this book is because soon, the one and only, Mr. Mission Impossible himself, Tom Cruise, will be gracing the silver screen, staring in the film adaptation: The Edge of Tomorrow.  The movie will be another Sci-Fi romp for the actor who just left Oblivion behind.  Unfortunately, he will not be playing a Japanese man as the original story is written.  But he was pretty awesome in The Last Samurai, so there's that.

The Last Samurai was turning out to be an epic drama, until Mr. Cruise broke into a song 

and then stripped down to his underwear.

The story is simple enough, with a good plot hook behind it.  The author declares at the end of the book that the idea arose while playing video games.  So, think Halo meets Groundhog Day.  If you like the idea of Sci-Fi battles that continue to loop for some mysterious reason, with a young naive recruit caught in the middle, then don't wait, just pick this book up and give it a whirl.

"Alright, now ease up on the clutch."

"Will you shut up and just let me drive?"

The thing I liked the best about this novel, is there's no attempt to wander off to some side plot that just ends up adding girth to the story.  From the first paragraph, you’re thrown in the middle of a war you know nothing about, and the author takes no time to explain.  Nor does he hold your hand throughout the book, repeating plot points just so you remember what's going on.  The book is short, sweet, to the point, and some people may have no problem ripping through this in one stormy afternoon.

A lover of the shoot-em-up style video games or say, Final Fantasy, will definitely enjoy the way the story is told.  If you're more the type that is looking for a thought-provoking novel that just might give you the meaning of life, this isn't for you.  People who enjoy reading about housewives that found other uses for the bananas on their counters, or wives that call a plumber because they need a man to snake their drain, probably won't last more than a couple of paragraphs in this book.  This is for the person who wants fun, energetic, slightly humorous, yet heart felt Sci-Fi stories. 

"Umm...guys?  I think we were dropped into the wrong war zone."

"I know.  Some dude over there sounds like he's speaking Japanese."

Even though the author tosses you right in the middle of the action and then does some slight back-tracking, doesn't mean a full explanation is coming.  Once you've related to the young protagonist, Keiji, the book will dig a little deeper into what exactly is happening, but it never becomes boring, as action is always right around the corner.

As I said in the description, Keiji meets the Special Forces officer, Full Metal Bitch—otherwise known as Rita—on the battle field, and is taken aback by her grace and glorious alien gut spewing battle tactics.  He wants nothing more than to rub her axe and to get to know how she became such an iconic Valkyrie on the battlefield.  The only problem is: his terrible war prowess keeps getting him killed, again and again and again.  But not to worry, he wakes up in the same bed, in the same position every day.  Keiji and the reader find themselves in a mystery that has to be solved, but also find themselves enticed by Rita, the Full Metal Bitch, who gives a new meaning to the word slaughter.

"If you tell me one more time, this movie will be great and won't ruin my career...

I'm pulling the trigger."  

Most of time, Sci-Fi stories like to dive deep into the science behind why something is the way it is.  This novel dances around the rim of science theory, but the author is really more concerned with entertaining, rather than throwing chapter after chapter of future science jargon in your face. Explanations appear in short, sweet waves, intertwined with blood spewing war, and then the novel ends just the way you'd envision it.

 

"Alright Mr. Cruise, so going down the list here--we have you riding and sliding.  

All we need is a few shots of you jumping, shooting and running, and we'll be good to go."

CONCLUSION:

If you're looking to tide yourself over with a quick Sci-Fi romp before you dive into some truly life altering book, than All You Need is Kill should be your go-to novel.  If your library consists of other Sci-Fi novels stacked up on top of each other, then this book will feel right at home.  

4 out of 5 stars (minus 1 star for selling the rights to Tom Cruise)

*BIRTHDAY SIDE NOTE:

Yes, that's right my friends, this month P&P celebrates becoming the giant number one.  Just yesterday we were crapping in our diapers and having other people change it.  Now, we don't only crap in our pants, but we walk around with it all day.  So, won't you celebrate this momentous occasion by joining us in a very steady, but elegant golf clap?  *claps quietly for ten seconds* 

If you haven't had some of our spiked punch or week-old leftovers, then at least drop by our "new" FAQ area on the blog for more P&P information.  We'd like to thank each and every individual reader personally, but that'd take too frigging long.  So you get this instead: "Yeah, umm…you have nice teeth and stuff—crap, I mean…thanks for laughing at us.  Wait—with us—it's with us.  Whatever…you get it."

The Last of Us: Is Joel a bad guy?

The Last of Us is a video game.  And when some people hear those two words (video + game) they immediately picture an overweight, virgin teen growing out of a sofa with a barrel full of pork rinds sitting next to them, pushing buttons to make a pixelated figure jump up and down.  That might somewhat be true, but sometimes that pixelated game you're envisioning is more than just collecting coins and saving a princess.  Sometimes that controller is attached to a visually stunning, character driven story, set during a zombie apocalypse.

Without a blink of an eye or even the slightest hint of hesitation, I can easily say The Last of Us has been this summer's best story experience.  Even if video games hold about as much interest to you as a passing fart, The Last of Us has a story any person, from any walk of life can relate to.

WARNING:

Full plot and details exposed throughout this article, so if you haven't yet played TLOU, please do not read on.  Play the game first, and then come back.  Yes, it’s that frigging good!

"I leave you with your friends for a couple of hours, and what do I come home to? 

Brains and guts all over the carpet--again--that's what!"

STORY:

Joel, a father who lost his daughter, Sarah, to a zombie outbreak, becomes withdrawn and uncaring in the new post-apocalyptic world.  After taking a job to escort a young girl named Ellie, to a safe haven, all those buried paternal feelings return, and he slowly transforms into the loving man he once was before the world turned to crap.  An unbelievable story and gaming experience ensues, as both Joel and Ellie find themselves dependent on each other through the hardships a world of zombies and cannibals have to offer.

"Alright, I'll shoot 'em, but I'm not eating 'em."

A BAD ENDING & BAD JOEL?

In interviews, Naughty Dog has said the ending didn't test well and the team was thinking about changing it.  You can contribute these feelings to people who felt Joel ends up being a bad guy in the end.  But if you consider Joel’s decisions throughout the story and his character's motivations, the ending becomes perfect.  He makes a choice at the end, not because the story calls for it, but because of who he is inside.

Joel starts off the game as a protective loving father.  You see this character trait stuffed in quiet moments with Sarah, as the two of them converse affectionately.  When Sarah is then killed in Joel's hands during the outbreak, not only does she die, but the paternal Joel dies too.  And when we catch up with Joel twenty years later, his current mindset is to put the least possible effort into surviving.  But while escorting Ellie—even though he tries to fight it and remain hollow—Joel finds his paternal side slowly returning.

"I wonder if anyone re-tweeted me."

Let’s talk trust.  Toward the end of the story, Ellie happens to run into David, the leader of the marauders who Joel and Ellie have been killing throughout the story to survive.  Even though David tells Ellie repeatedly that he won't harm her—he even helps her survive a zombie onslaught—did you ever once get the feeling you could trust him?  No, and that untrustworthy feeling comes to fruition when he throws Ellie in a cage and tells her she'll be hacked up for food.

"I said: hot--sauce--with--my--eggs. Not ketchup! 

Maybe now you'll remember my order next time." 

Now take David's character and compare him with Joel.  Both are doing what needs to be done to survive.  But here's the question: would David put his life before any of his men?  Nope.  But Joel would do anything he could to keep Ellie safe, just like any caring father.  He puts himself in harm's way throughout the story fighting bands of mercenaries, government officers, and zombies. 

Joel even lies.

This is what most people have a hard time swallowing.  "But he lied to Ellie at the end!"  Sure, but he did it to keep her safe.  Joel’s paternal trait was built around an instinct to keep his child protected.  Sarah or Ellie's life comes first before anyone or anything else, even if that means not saving humanity. 

"I want you to tell me the truth, Joel. 

Did the teenage mutant ninja turtles really exist, before all of this?"

People keep saying: but the Fireflies had a cure—they knew how to save humanity.  Really?  So a bunch of people working with timeworn machines during a zombie apocalypse knew for certain, that killing an innocent girl would definitely save humanity?  The only thing that Joel knew for certain, was getting Ellie away from the Fireflies would save her life.  And that became reason enough for his actions.

THE PERFECT ENDING:

Naughty Dog hit us with an unexpected finale that makes perfect sense when you consider the whole story as a character study.  But wait!!!  What if Joel did side with the Fireflies and helped kill Ellie at the end?  Well…then every action, conversation, and heartfelt moment—even Joel mourning his daughter by carrying her watch—would have been built up for nothing.  All the worrying and caring for his daughter, and for Ellie…gone, because the plot needed Joel to save the world.  Would that really have made more sense?

 

"Maybe your not listening: Mickey Mouse was not real."

"Then why did people celebrate his birthday, Joel?"

"He was a frigging fictional mouse, and--you know what? Forget it. 

From now on, stick to zombies. Damn...where is a clicker when you need one?"

Instead, Joel decides to remove everyone that can harm Ellie.  And that’s not even the best part of the final moments.  The best part comes in the form of a bittersweet question: Ellie asks Joel flat out, whether everything he told her about the Fireflies not needing her is true.  Again, the paternal instinct kicks in and Joel tells her of course.  And since she trusts him to no end—and even if she thinks he’s lying—you get one of the most perfect endings I've ever had the pleasure to witness.  She says okay and BAM—cut to black.  Perfect.  Two people in a screwed-up world finally realizing that they need each other.  What else can you ask for?

"Oh my God, a spider!"

"What!?! Get it off! Get if off!"

"Hahaha...totally punk'd you on that one. There is a zombie though."

CONCLUSION:

In the end, the game/story is a character based drama involving two people, who under unlikely circumstances find themselves depending on each other.  The story is about Joel and Ellie, not the zombies, not the Fireflies, and definitely not humanity.  Joel didn't travel all that way in the game to save humanity.  He did it because he felt as though Ellie needed saving, and he was the only one who could do it.  Some people will never come to think of Joel as a noble individual, but that's alright, because in a post-apocalyptic world, there is no black or white, there's just gray.  Joel isn't bad.  He's just a man trying to do what he can to save his child.

If you like this article, check out:
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