Book Review - Bite Me

SPOILER NOTE:

This is the third book of Moore's vampire love story and it's recommended that you read the first two books (Bloodsucking Fiends and You Suck) before reading this review, as spoilers will be elegantly excreted along the way.  But you already knew that, didn't you?  Alright, relax…no need to be patting your own ass.  Your competence will be documented.  So go ahead and read the review at your own risk.

Christopher Moore's Bite Me wraps up his vampiric love story by removing Tommy as the protagonist and offering up someone fresh, Goth and ridiculous, to take over the reins.

"Now you listen.  I have about twenty minutes before the sun comes up, so you better head over to my 

car and replace the flat tire that you caused.  Because I am not in the mood."

STORY:

Chet, the huge shaved cat from You Suck, becomes a huge stalking vampiric fiend that can't seem to decide whether to eat his victims, suck their blood, or hump the holy hell out of them.  He (Chet) is not only growing in size and brain function, but he's also making quite the kitty army.  The vampiric feline pack starts to run amuck in San Francisco, devouring the homeless and then—*gulp*—moving on to the middle class.  Is there anyone in the city that can stop Chet and his army before San Francisco is nothing more than a giant litter box?  Why...yes.  There does seem to be one person.  Abigail Von Normal: emergency backup Mistress of the Greater Bay Area.  Oh, and she does get a little help from her sexy manga boyfriend, Foo Dog.  So technically, there's like two people.  Well, there are also the Animals, and those goofy cops, and some old vampires, and this old Japanese guy, and the Emperor of San Francisco, and let's not forget Tommy and Jody either...so really, there's like a gaggle of idiots running around making poor decisions and attempting to hunt the bloodcurdling Chet monster.  Killer humping cats, vampiric rats, artistic samurai, and douche waffles ensue.

"Are you saying that if I became a vampire cat, I'd live forever AND gain intelligence...but would

have to drink nothing but blood for eternity?"

"Yep."

"Not interested."

THOUGHTS:

They say a novel's protagonist is the person who the story begins and ends with.  And if that's to be believed, then Abby Normal (a cross between Wednesday Addams and Lydia Deetz) becomes this story's lead.  She was everything that was hilarious about the second book, You Suck.  And if you enjoyed her rambling in that story, then you'll love her here.  Her journal entries—once again—turn what could have been a slightly slow and safe story, into a roll in the hay with Goth humor.

In the second book, the story left us with Tommy and Jody discussing whether or not to stay vampires (Foo Dog has discovered a cure).  And since Abby didn't want to see them fight about it, when they pass out at dawn, she and her manga-haired sex-slave, cast the two lovers in bronze, essentially keeping them together forever…as statues.  But if you know anything about how Moore writes, you already know that anything he deems as "forever" is really just the start of a humorous blunder.

"You know, we could turn around and not have to fight all these vampires."

"Dude, they have my girlfriend.  You've seen what she looks like right?"

"Fair enough."

SHOULD YOU READ THE THIRD BOOK?

The actual question you're probably asking is: "I've read the first book and liked it, but the second left a whole lot to be desired in the story, but it was funny…so should I spend my time reading this one?"  Well, if you enjoyed Abby in the second book and were actually able to read all the way through it and still enjoy Moore's humor—regardless of the nonexistent plot—then you'll enjoy the third installment.  Since the story is "mostly" seen through Abby's eyes, there's a lot more silliness going on and more laughs.  In terms of the story, the plot is organized and stuff does seem to be happening, but some of the story lines end somewhat quick and safe without many twists, as if Moore decided the book was too long and it needed trimming in the resolution department.

Now, when you read the story synopsis above, you're probably thinking Chet has a humongous part in the novel.  Well, he does in about the first third of the book.  But then Moore needs to wrap up the series by the last page and poor Chet and his vampiric felines take a back seat to the many story lines that need concluding.

"Large vampiric cats you say..."

"Yes."

"Eating the homeless..."

"Yes!  Yes!"

"I'm sorry, I fail to see the problem."

JUST HOW MANY STORY LINES ARE THERE?

Each chapter has a different character's point-of-view and each character has a different story line that needs to be told.  So the book will have you bouncing around like a three year old, hopped up on Pixy Stix.  You'll start with Abby, but then you’ll switch over to the Animals, Jody, Tommy, Cavuto and Rivera, the Emperor of San Francisco and his men, Foo Dog, the Old Ones, the samurai Okata, and even Chet (who gets his own chapters where you'll read his thoughts and desires), until finally arriving back to Abby.  Is it a mess?  You betcha.  Could some of the story lines have been dropped altogether?  Sure.  The Emperor's chapters seem unnecessary, along with Chet and his thoughts, but then you'll be losing all the hilarity that goes along with them.  Just like in the other two books, you're reading Moore, not for the education in storytelling, but because of all the wonderful laughs along the way.  And there are plenty of them.  The story gets so ridiculous at one point you'll wonder how a grown man (Moore) can invent crap like sucking dead rats up in a vacuum without spending most of his time in therapy.  Then again, maybe he does...

"Don't worry mom, he can't come in unless we invite him."

"Yeah, well then you owe me money for all the Pogonias he's out there eating." 

CONCLUSION:

Bite Me reads more like a newspaper within the city of San Francisco.  Each chapter is a new headline, accompanied by the silliest story you can imagine.  Will it become a literary masterpiece?  Probably not.  But who really cares?  Its main purpose is to deliver unexpected hilarity, and Moore never fails in that department.  Is this trilogy better than some of his other works?  No.  But if you've already read the first two books, don't you want to find out how this terrific mess ends?  Of course you do.  And that is one thing you can look forward to: a resolution in every story line…and a couple might even surprise you.

3 1/2 out of 5 stars (minus a star for character bouncing and ½ star for safe story line endings)

DVD Movie Review - Ender's Game

Ender's Game blends gorgeous special effects, a wonderful story taken from an excellent novel, and incredible acting from Asa Butterfield, to create what can easily be considered a great addition to the Sci-Fi genre.

STORY:

Giant alien bugs, called Formics, tried to overtake our planet, and humans wouldn't stand for it.  We fought back and made the Formics retreat to their own world where they belong.  And now seventy years has past and the human race wants to make sure we're ready for if and when the Formics return.  Enter Ender Wiggin (Asa Butterfield) the silliest name you'll hear this side of the galaxy, unless of course, you're familiar with the Hunger Games.  Ender's a lanky young strategist who just may become the leader and savior of our human race.  Can he overcome puberty and a fleet of alien bugs all at the same time?  Only hours spent in battle school, holding hands with girls and playing antigravity laser tag, will tell.  Space battles, floating vomit, basic rocket science, and ant logic ensue.

"I want you to take a good look.  This is what happens when you drink and pass out.  So-called

friends detail your face with permanent marker."

THOUGHTS:

The entire movie rests on Asa Butterfield's acting-shoulders and just like Ender's strategies, he delivers.  Whether he's conquering a simulated battle, dealing with superior officers, or standing face to face with the great Han Solo, Butterfield's acting is superb.  Even though he may look like the wind could topple him over, he still has the chops to deliver some of the biggest lines in the film.  And once you see him in the role, it's hard to imagine anyone else playing the part.

Harrison Ford plays Han Solo who plays Harrison Ford portraying Colonel Graff: the only person in the military that seems to think Ender is the savior.  He spends most of the time mumbling through his lines or pleading with the other actors to trust him, but happens to fit well in the role.  Ben Kingsley as Mazer Rackham shows up for a minute or two with too much makeup on his face, but otherwise gives Ford a run for his money.  Viola Davis plays Major Gwen Anderson, the voice of reason and sanity among the nutty military leaders.  And Abigail Breslin gives a short and somewhat wasted performance as Valentine Wiggin, Ender's sister.  The rest of the cast are mainly younger actors portraying stereotypical children in Ender's battle school.  And aside from moving the plot forward and creating high school friction, aren't really a necessity.

"Picture this: Me conquering the world...in a banana suit."

The film starts off with wonderful Voice-Over from Butterfield during an air battle, explaining the war seventy years ago and current human worries.  The movie then jumps to the present day Ender struggling to fit in.  See…Ender is just too darn smart to be included among these inferior children, but nonetheless, has to go through the motions before he can conquer the world.  What's more strenuous and takes years in the book, is breezed through here in under an hour.  But what's the alternative?  Making the movie four hours long or splitting it up into several films?  Only directors looking to cash in on a literary property do that.  Then sooner, rather than later, our little Ender makes piece with his childhood gripes and pushes himself to become the man we all know he can.  Don't be fooled though, this movie is a little more high school drama, then epic space battles.  But along the way, tension still builds, and if you haven't seen or don't know the story, then you're in for a doozy of a twist at the end.

Even though the film can feel rushed, fear not, because Butterfield's acting holds, what could have been an unbelievable movie-mess, all together.  He makes you feel every emotion through his eyes, even if one moment he's crying like a little girl, and the next, commanding an entire planet's army.  The real question you're wondering is does this movie hold up to the novel?  The simple answer...no.  The problem with reading the book before watching the movie is no matter what, it's hard for a film studio to create something better than any one person's imagination.  It's a little easier in comic book films because you have great art as a starting point, in addition, to wonderful world building and story lines.  But with fiction, the audience only has what they've seen in their mind.  And how can any movie ever compete with that?  So should you read the book before viewing the film?  No way.  If you already have, you might be a tad disappointed.  But if you haven't, the movie might inspire you to read the book.  If not, well…all that Internet porn isn't going to surf itself.

"I need you to project power and leadership into the way you hold yourself...you're Ender frigging Wiggin."

"No, no, no...I get it.  I get it."

"No...you don't.  If you did, you wouldn't be standing like that."

THE SPECIAL EFFECTS:

From space battles, to alien bugs, to the small details like Ender's sidearm, the concepts and the look of the film are sleek streamlined perfection.  You know those movies where the CG works, but somehow always seems a little off?  Well that's not the case here.  All the actors fit well within the CG and hand-built sets, and switching between the two is seamless.  The only time something looked out of place was when Ender travels to the last command base.  The alien spaces and walls appeared plastic like it was made for a ride in Universal Studios' theme park, but those scenes are minimal and don't hinder the film.

"I don't know how you feel, but you look ridiculous.  Good luck winning over the audience like that."

CONCLUSION:

Ender's game may not stand up to the book, but on its own, the movie does everything it needs to do.  It draws the viewer into Ender's world, creates sympathy for the main character, adds suspense, and it's all supplied through a beautiful artistic vision.  Now, if you see space and anything in it as a waste of time, then you might want to sit this one out.  But if you need a little Sci-Fi in your life right now, don't be ashamed to splurge on the Blu-ray so your eyeballs can really feast on the visuals.

4 out of 5 stars (minus one star for the hasty plot)

Book Review - Hard Magic

Hard Magic is what happens if Raymond Chandler wrote the X-Men.  If you find that idea appeasing, then you will be right at home diving into Larry Correia's magic crime noir.

 Hmm...tell me more about these X-Men, while I pretend to smoke this pipe.

STORY:

Tough guy, Jake Sullivan, who also happens to be a Gravity Spiker/Heavy, hopes to one day be a free man from a crime he committed years ago.  The FBI recruits him to help wrangle other Actives (people who possess special powers) until his debt is paid.  Soon thereafter he becomes wrapped up in a plot so sinister and complicated that even he doesn't know what's happening until the end.  Crazy super-power fights ensue.

THOUGHTS:

The title "Hard Magic" might throw you off a little.  The story doesn't revolve around witches and warlocks, or silly spells with wands. (Yes, I’m looking at you, Harry Twatter)  This story is based in the Hoover days of the FBI, and there are people running around everywhere that have one special gift or more appropriately, a special power.

"Did someone say my name?"  Nope, beat it loser. 

Think X-Men in the 1920's-1930’s, minus color and the tight spandex outfits.  You have people that can reverse gravity, making things lighter or heavier (our protagonist); people like Nightcrawler, who can vanish and reappear anywhere; Brutes, who will rip your head from your body like you were a doll; healers (no explanation needed); psychics, and a whole slew of other powers ranging from luck, to being able to give people disease.  Oh, and there's Steampunk too.  It comes in the form of massive Airships, where several battles take place.

"What the hell happened to our color?"  Shut up and just go with it. 

Larry Correia creates an alternate history where these Actives run around freely.  (There are introductory paragraphs before each chapter that give you a tiny smidgen of Correia’s alternate history. Unnecessary, but an awesome addition to the novel) Some Actives are employed by the government, and there are others who'd rather become criminals.  Adolf Hitler and his silly Nazis didn't happen, and the biggest threat to the United States is Japan.  And that's where Jake Sullivan comes in.  You see, the story unfolds through his eyes and the eyes of a sweet southern girl named Faye, who's a Traveler (think Nightcrawler).  Their paths cross and the story takes off.

"Does this cigarette make me look too smug?"  Never mind that--did I leave the stove on?

Other reviews stated the protagonist from this novel is similar to the protagonist in "Monster Hunter International."  (If you haven't tried that series yet, I highly recommend it and our review can be read right here.)  Besides being big and tough, the two main characters from each of Correia's series couldn't be more different.  Okay, maybe they do both carry big guns...but now you're just being nitpicky.

Coming off of a novel like MHI, which throws action, humor, monsters, and explosions at you almost every other page, it was jarring for me to jump into "Hard Magic" since I was expecting a story along the same lines.  MHI stayed pretty consistent, having the main character walk you through the plot most of the time.  "Hard Magic" jumped from one character to the next, with Jake and Faye having the larger portion of the story, but only through a slight margin.  And if there was one gripe about the novel I had, it would be the continuous rotating POV.

"I'd like to thank the acade...Hey, who keeps rotating me?!"

The story is quite multi-layered, so switching to another character every chapter seemed the only logical way of writing the book without being confusing.  But just as I started to like Jake Sullivan and find him amusing, another 2nd rate character would be introduced and I'd lose the connection.  I find switching POV's to be refreshing after several chapters following the main protagonist, but when it's every chapter, I tend to miss the main protagonist and skim paragraphs until I get back to him/her.

Alright, I'm confused. These shots have no correlation, whatsoever.

Does this make "Hard Magic" a bad novel?  Absolutely not.  If you don't mind being thrown around like that, then you will have no problem with the story. 

The action sequences are where Correia shines the most.  Having a room full of people with extraordinary powers doing extraordinary things to each other becomes a whole lot of fun.  You're never lost as Correia eases you into the different Actives, making you learn the world little by little.  Visualizing a female Brute charging at someone, only to have gravity change on them and they start to fall away from the earth, is stuff of genius.  And each fight scene capitalizes on the powers being used to the fullest.  There aren't any lame battles with just people smashing each other through walls—yes, that happens—but there is always refreshing ideas springing up.

"Sir, I just can't understand you." Mah noseth, mah noseth dammith! 

The noir part of the story is really just the setting.  Your typical crime noir usually had a detective looking into a small crime, which at times could spiral out of control, but mainly focused on just a few people.  This story starts small and works its way to Armageddon status fairly quickly.  But the novel is fantasy, so saving the world comes along with the package.  You also won't find any women looking for men to help them here, as most of the girls in this story would rather kill you first, and then say "yes" to marriage. 

Whoa...easy lady, you're showing way too much leg.

"Monster Hunter International" received a perfect score.  And since it's from the same author, comparing the two books is necessary.  If you like the action-packed, gun-slinging accountant, Owen from MHI, then you might be slightly disappointed here.  Jake is a good character, but you won’t get to dive deep enough to make him great.  Still, "Hard Magic" is a refreshing book with a wonderful story, and if you're hard-up for super powers with a side of crime noir/steampunk, then the book is a no-brainer.

3.75 out of 5 stars (Couldn’t give it a 3.5, but it wasn’t worthy of a 4—minus 1.25 stars for all the jumping around)

DVD Movie Review - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The joys of making the mixed-tape have never been so tragic.  It’s a complete and utter shame that kids these days will never feel the absolute letdown when the girl you passed said cassette tape to, looks at it, and then moments later sends it to the bottom of the trash pile to rot out its days lonely and humiliated.  What the hell do kids make today, anyway?  Ipod playlists?

STORY:

Freshman hermit, Charlie (Logan Lerman), spends most of his precious time staring at other kids, reading, never masturbating (seems legit), and seeing flashbacks in his head.  That is until Emma Watson walks into his life, along with her rainbow-flying stepbrother, to teach Charlie how to ride in the back of a pick-up truck, while barreling through a tunnel.  Crazy high school antics ensue.

I'm queen of the...oh, forget it.

THOUGHTS ON THE BOOK:

Five words: do not read the book.  Simple enough.  I attempted to breeze through the NY Times bestseller by Stephen Chbosky (Chbosky also wrote and directed the movie), because of all the hype and then I wanted to be able to compare the two.  Well, I never went passed page 50.

Never judge a book by its cover, unless... 

The book is written in a series of love notes to a friend (that’s you the reader), that have absolutely no sense of cohesion whatsoever.  I’ve seen better paragraph structure from 5^th graders shackled with A.D.H.D., while skydiving out of a Cessna.  Alright, maybe I’m reaching too far with that one: minus the A.D.H.D.

Love this.

Seriously…this is what constitutes a best-seller?  Holy crap, I’ve been writing all wrong.  I should just ramble on about whatever slop comes to mind at any given time, and BAM—best seller. 

But, this brings us to the good news…

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE:

Thank goodness Stephen Chbosky made the movie.  That way, every citizen that doesn’t have the time to read the book, can bypass that mess and enjoy a coming-to-age story in less than two hours.

Some of the passages/love-notes from the book are read by the movie’s protagonist, but they’re shortened, to the point, and don’t go off the rails after three words. 

The Perks of Being a Wallflower can be called a Dramedy.  A little more drama than comedy—I guess you can’t win them all.

Is that girl on the end having fun, or what?!

The movie has those scenes where you’re totally embarrassed for the characters.  And if that’s happening, then the acting and dialogue is top notch.  Every actor/actress plays the perfect role, and not once did I think of that ass-clown wizard, while watching this movie.  Thumbs up.

Yeah, I think my magic days are behind me.

The story deals with all the problems you can throw at one freshman, without him going off the deep end—well, you’ll have to watch the movie to see the outcome.  Homosexuality, teen crush, a friend’s death, a family member’s death, awkward sex, awkward break-ups, assaulting one’s better-half, weird high school dances, drug and alcohol addictions, mixed cassette tapes, bad music, pretty girls, terrible choices, molestation, and even the kitchen sink is thrown in just for good measure and a couple of laughs.

Now, if you’re not a fan of awkward situations, example: male teen dressing in drag, and then singing and dancing in front of the camera; or conversations about oral sex and the like, then you might want to hold off.  Not that those scenes are in a lot of the movie, but they are there.  So if you’re renting this for your twelve-year old because he gets a hard-on for Hermione Granger, then maybe you should watch it first, and then decide what’s good for your kid.  Otherwise, have at it.

Ummm...yeah, this speaks for itself.

It’s a perfect high school romp that will have you laughing out loud in some spots.  I couldn’t contain my chuckles watching Charlie attempt to deal with his first girlfriend, who happens to be a gothic Buddhist.

"I'm going to take your pants off now." Oh, oh...okay.

Dylan McDermott who plays Charlie’s father in the movie, has around 15 minutes of screen time, but in those minutes, he has some of the most memorable dialogue.  McDermott rattles off his thoughts about his daughter’s boyfriend, and then there’s a great line when Charlie asks him for 30 dollars.  Absolutely priceless.

Yep, I'm just that smooth.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower could have went down the depressing road very easily, but luckily it toes the line instead, leaving you pining for the old days.  Guys, if for some reason your relationship with your girl is on the fence, this might not be the best rental for movie night.  Those hilarious scenes with Charlie’s first girlfriend might hit a little closer to home than you’d like.  Just saying.  Otherwise, it’s a solid teen exploration film.  

4 out of 5 stars (minus 1 star for making me attempt the book first) 

Book Review - Two Graves

Two Graves is the perfect example of how to take a rip-roaring, action-packed beginning, and after coming out of the first turn, shoot it directly in the foot.  Let me explain:

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!  Read at your own risk.  Actually, it’s not that bad: I spill a couple of major points here and there, but is that really going to stop you from reading this?  Didn’t think so, enjoy. 

Two Graves is the typical formula for a P&C novel: multiple points of view, semi-fantasy/reality, complaining cops, and an FBI agent who just does whatever the hell he wants, when he wants. 

P&C are at their best when they mix some funky history with fantasy and show people at their worst, best, and most frigged-up time in their life.  Recently though, Pendergast has been having a terrible go at it.  The man has had crappy uncles who dissect people, a brother who loves to give people brain-melting disorders, a wife who completely just sucks, and now children who are just plain weird.

STORY:

After suffering the tragedy of losing his wife, Special Agent Pendergast, spends two novels finding out Helen is alive and well—minus a hand.  At the end of Book 2 (Cold Vengeance), Pendergast finally gets to hold his wife's other hand.  He gets to look into her eyes, see her smile and then BAM; she’s ripped out of his grasp and taken away...again.  Well, this book picks up right there, at her abduction.  He spends the rest of his time tracking down the men that kidnapped her, sending him to Mexico, NY, and South America.

THOUGHTS:

Two Graves comes roaring out of the first turn, holding the lead by 23 lengths, then—Oh my goodness—a sniper bullet just tore its left foot apart and now it’s hobbling along.  And the jockey, well, he was thrown head first into the mud, only to be repeatedly stomped by other horses.

Yeah, it’s kind of like that.

The book itself is a tomb like most P&C novels, which doesn't concern me one bit, but to stuff it full of subplots for half of the novel pisses me off to no end.  I wouldn't care if the subplots intertwined with the main story and everything connected at the end, but no, you actually have subplots that are separate stories all together.  The only thing linking them is: these second rate characters know Pendergast.  That’s it.  Just like how you know your neighbor—now would you want someone including almost a whole biography of your neighbor in your biography?  Unless they played a major role in some part of your life…otherwise they would be about as important as a passing fart.

Reading the book became quite a jarring experience.  Action, action, drama, stop, stop, stop, action, stop, stop, boring, enough already, get back to the story, drama, stop, wholly crap this sucks, action, drama, stop, stop, end.  Doesn't read very well, does it?

Constance, Pendergast's ward, spends her time reading books and speaking with Dr. Felder, who takes it upon himself to really start looking into her past.  A past we already know and do not need further evidence to point out.  So Constance’s subplot/story really doesn’t frigging matter at all.  There are several chapters spent in the good doctor's head contemplating a break-in.  I was getting so fed up reading it, I found myself skipping paragraphs until something actually happened.  Oh, and Pendergast shows up at the hospital to talk to Constance for about two pages, which I guess is the attempt to connect the stories.

Corrie Swanson on the other hand, has mysterious papers that she ran off with, that she thinks are very important.  Cool, right?  She finds Pendergast and hands them to him—also very cool, and plot related.  But then he tosses her out on her ass and that's where the “Pendergast and Corrie” story ends and your eyes will start to glaze over.  The rest of the time is spent telling the story of Corrie with her estranged father.  Your thinking, "this is a Pendergast story, right?"  Well, apparently only the chapters divisible by three, every other chapter is just filler. 

What the authors should have done is released just the Pendergast story line as Two Graves and then released another novel called "Just Some Other Crap" that way people would have known what they were getting.

Now Pendergast's story is action packed, overly dramatized, and nowhere near believable—which is sometimes good and sometimes bad.  It starts with him helping the investigation of serial murders in NY and then leads to the ultimate enemy of the book.  Who you ask?  Well, who's responsible for all the woes in the world?  Who gets blamed for almost everything bad in movies, games, and books since the 1930's?  Who's into eugenics?  If you’re thinking the Sith, then it's safe to say you haven't been paying attention at all, and you can go back to surfing more news about J. J. Abrams directing Star Wars VII on the web.

 

I really have no idea why I'm here...No, seriously. 

For everyone else, if you said the Nazis, then ding, ding, ding, you'd be right!  The question is: has the Nazi thing been played out already?  If you answer no, then you'll enjoy the book; if you said yes, then maybe you should be surfing the internet for Star Wars news.

Hitler & his men, accept the award for biggest dick in the world. Circa 1940's 

Apparently, those silly Nazis are still living it up in South America, enjoying drinks with umbrellas and splicing human genes.  Silly Nazis.  Don't they know the war is over?  Not in this book.  Anyway, they have their own fort (yes I said fort, and no, it’s not made out of pillows or sheets) and protect it with their lives.  Pendergast must penetrate this blight on the world and destroy all of them once and for all.  Enter: his genetically altered son, who has the talent of sneaking around like a ghost, dodging bullets, and seeing the future. 

Things get a little crazy at this point, and I'm not talking wet T-shirt crazy, more like people dying everywhere crazy.  There's explosions, crazy needles, boating (yes, you saw that right—boating), army officers, flooding, and a father and son love-story caught in the middle.

The writing as always with P&C is top notch.  They know how to create tension and stretch reality without breaking it.  But the subplots are what killed this novel for me.  In some crazy way, I was continually hoping they would somehow intertwine, but alas, I left holding my Johnson with no bowl in sight. 

In the end, if you don't mind several different stories happening at once, and find no problem with waiting a few chapters before getting back to the main plot, then this book is for you.  Any trouble with the above and I'd say hold out until you can get it from the library.  And then if you don't like it, you don't have to beat yourself over the head with it for throwing away money you could have spent on food or video games or porn (I know, no one really pays for porn anymore, it just sounded good when read, okay?) or strippers or a new baboon or—you get the point.

2.5 out of 5 stars (minus 1.5 stars for random short stories and a star for the over-cooked Nazi presence)

Book Review - Placebo by Steven James

 

Placebo by Steven James

 

When I grow up I want to be Steven James.  There, I said it…and now there’s no taking it back.  The only problem with that statement: I’m already grown up and no matter how hard I try, none of my writing can hold a candle to James’ style.  Not even the most basic words like “the” or “cat” seem to hold the same weight and tone as he can deliver.  Don’t believe me?  Then I dare you to read the first chapter of his newest novel, Placebo.

 

Story:

Protagonist Jevin Banks, an ex-stage magician—who spends his time investigating controversial televangelists and psychics for a TV show—stumbles onto a neurological research program that focuses on mind to mind communication and Banks is dead set on proving the research as a hoax.  What he finds once he’s there startles him.  A small simple plot, as always with a Steven James novel, unravels into something much more sinister and thrilling than when it first begins.  On top of that, Jevin suffers from claustrophobia due to the loss of his family, which he spends his time trying to come to terms with throughout the story.  Add in a team of helpers for Jevin: Xavier, a hippie who specializes in explosives; Fionna, who can crack any computer security known to man; and Charlene, Jevin’s former stage assistant whose beauty is rivaled by none, and you have yourself quite a psychological thriller.

 

Thoughts:

If you’ve read the Bowers series—if you haven’t; go out right now and pick up “The Pawn”—then you will be quite familiar with his writing style.  James’ prose is quick, precise, and forces you to turn to the next page without you even knowing it.  He’s one of the select few authors I read and never have to look at the page numbers.  You know you’ve read those novels where the story is interesting and you want to get to the end just to find out its secrets, but you still wonder how many pages are left.  Well, you can be rest assured that this book will not do that to you.

 

Where the Bowers series was grounded into the FBI investigative techniques and how they harness tips/clues to find serial killers, Placebo steps into the realm of Sci-Fi…but only slightly.  James uses research that exists today and stretches it almost to the point of snapping.  Is there a lot of conversations spent talking quantum physics?  Yes.  Will half of those words get lost on you, like singles after a night spent in a strip club?  Probably.  Does that stuff really matter if you want to know what the hell is going on?  No.

 

James has a way of story-telling that allows him to express his idea to the simplest of mind or if you fall into the high society arena, then also the most complicated of brains.  If you’re into all the science/quantum physics jargon, then it’s all here for you, if not—if you just want a fun, edge-of-your-seat thriller, than that’s here too.

 

Jevin Banks and Patrick Bowers also share some much needed traits that lend to the story, and help you uncover the plot.  Bowers always relays the facts when a new piece to the puzzle is discovered.  Banks does the same thing.  There isn’t much police procedure in the novel—in fact; James seems to purposely keep the police/investigators out of the book.  As the story moves forward, our ex-magician finds more and more clues and evidence leading to a bigger revelation.  So it only makes sense to re-relay those facts on the reader.  Sadly, if you didn’t know Banks was the protagonist, you might have said Bowers was the man making all the calls in this book.

 

Jevin Banks’ character is a mix of Harry Houdini and Bruce Wayne.  He’s close enough to the regular Joe, but has those special qualities that allow him to overcome sticky situations.  With his ability to overcome locks and make deadly escapes (Houdini traits) and his knack for being filthy rich (Wayne traits), there doesn’t seem to be anything Banks has trouble evading. Does the character completely work?  Close enough, he might just be a little too much like Patrick Bowers in the cognizance sense.

 

What’s excellent writing anyway?

There’s a chapter in the story where a man struggles with his thoughts and instead of the words coming off as a bunch of incoherent sentences, you can actually feel the man struggling inside his head.  This is excellent writing.  Something only James has the experience to pull off without completely throwing the chapter out the window.

 

More thoughts:

The whole arc of the story comes full circle at the end and leaves you with enough questions to wonder when the next book in the series is on its way.  Not to worry.  “Singularity” is due out fall 2013.  You’ll get some hints about where Jevin and his gang are headed, and you might just be able to guess some twists that are on the horizon.

 

What was Weird:

The convictions of our protagonist had me a little doubtful.  I can see being a magician and falling into to trouble and then using your special skills to evade it, but throwing yourself in the face of danger just because you want to know the facts, doesn’t make any sense to me.  What propels Banks forward doesn’t propel me.  I like to know the truth, just as much as the next guy, but stepping in the line of bullets, knives and fires, makes me want to stay home and watch movies, play videogames and call the police so they can handle it.  Instead out protagonist jumps at danger like Rambo, except Rambo has the experience to gun-down hundreds of men with a .50 caliber and Banks can pick a lock.

 

Props to James:

James actually mentions Philadelphia in the book without making it look like a terrible place to visit.  Let’s be serious, nobody really mentions Philly or includes it in their stories.  Want to know why?  Because once you get past Independence Hall and the Nation building history, you have nothing left but hipsters riding skateboards and trash filled streets.  Trust me; I’ve lived in and around Filthadelphia all my life and wouldn’t move there again if you paid me in prostitutes, which can be found in abundance in Philadelphia’s more classy areas.

 

Conclusion:

Placebo is a wonderful book to start a fresh new series in, and should be a no-brainer for the Steven James fan.  The main character can seem a little rehashed (See the Bowers Series) and the dialogue can cram too much science at times, but that doesn’t take away from the excellent story-telling that the novel contains.  If you’re looking for a well written thriller that includes slight Sci-Fi and doesn’t disappoint, then Placebo is where to begin.

 

3.5 out of 5 stars (minus a star for science jargon and a half for the slightly interchangeable Banks & Bowers)

Book Review - Brad Thor's Black List

Brad Thor’s newest book asks the question:  Would you trade a little liberty for security?  If you don’t know by now, almost everything we say, type, do and don’t do, is recorded or watched by somebody—more often than not, the government.  Our smart phones and tablets, that we hold so dear, can be used against us to track our every move.  Though most Americans don’t really care if someone is watching or listening, they’re more concerned with what Jersey Shore member got into a fight, or which no-name singer went on to the next round.  But if you’re like me, always asking questions and trying to find the truth, than Brad Thor is the author for you.

Black List picks up where Full Black, left off.  And if you’re wondering: no you don’t have to read Full Black before Black List, though you should, since the protagonist Scot Harvath is in both—and is involved in all of Brad Thor’s books, one way or the other.

Since Full Black was the previous entry into Harvath’s life, I’ll be comparing the two as we go along.

Scot Harvath is the James Bond of America, really, without the accent.  He’s an ex-Navy Seal, who will do whatever it takes to keep America safe—and he always jumps through unbelievable—but grounded—hoops to prove it. 

In Black List, Scot uncovers a plot by a company that has ties to almost all secret and non-secret Government agencies, to demolish our way of life, by destroying the Internet as we know it.  The only way to do that is to remove Harvath from the equation, by putting him on the list—hence the name of the novel.  Harvath’s world and everyone he knows in it, is turned upside down, without the knowledge of knowing who, and who not to trust. 

Brad Thor’s Black List is a solid thriller, and once I got through introductions, became a page turner to find out what was happening next.  Did you realize, I said: once I got through the introductions? 

In every novel I’ve read by Thor, he’ll give you everybody’s background story—including a brief summary of Harvath—before moving on to the plot.  Now, with new readers, that’ll instantly bring them up to speed, but for fans like me, it tends to slow down the pacing a bit.

When writing, the first thing they (who are they anyway?) tell you is “show don’t tell”.  What that means is: if a character is funny, just don’t say he’s funny.  Have him tell a joke that’s good and people enjoyed.  That allows the reader to come to their own conclusions about the type of character in the story.

Well, Brad Thor will give as much background and character information as he deems necessary, until moving forward with the plot.  Sometimes, if it’s a new character, it can be upwards of three or four pages of info.  That’s great and all, because he wants the character to be fully defined in your mind, but I like the character’s actions to determine who he is.  But I guess you can’t win them all, because I don’t really read Thor, just for the plot.

This book—just like his many others—is heavily researched.  Thor finds, what he thinks is the next biggest thing and turns that into a story.  And if the Government watching everything we do isn’t big, Thor makes it bigger, by adding to it things like this:  “The same measures that keep you and your family safe today, could be used to track you down and imprison you, tomorrow.”  I’ll let you stew on that sentence for a while…

Scary, isn’t it?

In Full Black (the previous novel), the USA seemed on the verge of collapse, and there was an impending doom, always lingering over Harvath’s head, but in Black List, I didn’t have the same doomed feelings.  I think it has a lot to do with the computer science behind the novel.  In Full Black bombs were going off, killing Americans, and pissing me off.  But in Black List, there was this Internet takeover that Harvath saw as the end of the Country.  Now, don’t get me wrong…the Government taking over the Internet, and only allowing what they deem fit to grace the web, scares the crap out of me.  For one thing, I wouldn’t be able to express my opinions on stuff like this article.  But is it as scary as bombs?  I don’t know, maybe to some.  I just didn’t have this feeling as though it’s all going to end in this one, and maybe I should have.

The ending was good, but in Full Black, the revenge at the end was bitter sweet, and I felt it.  It made me happy as I closed the book.  Black List ended, and I just closed the book…if you know what I mean.

Black List is a good thriller, and with all the information Thor always gives, the book is worth the price of admission.  I recommend it to everyone who searches for the truth.  But if you haven’t read Full Black, then go get it right now…I’ll wait.  In the meantime, I eagerly await Brad Thor’s next book.

3 out of 5 stars