Contrary to popular belief, You Suck is not a
vintage porn starring Long Dong Silver.
It is, in fact, the next chapter in Christopher Moore’s tragic saga of
C. Thomas Flood and his vampire love, Jody.
WARNING: if you haven't read the first novel in the C. Thomas Flood
saga, Bloodsucking Fiends, P&P highly recommends you doing so, before
venturing forth into this review. First
book spoilers ahead.
BLOODSUCKING FIENDS RECAP:
Since P&P never reviewed Bloodsucking Fiends
(stop looking at us that way and don't
try to act like you've never been lazy).
Here's a bit of a recap in the action.
C. Thomas Flood, an aspiring writer from Indiana, heads to San Francisco
to stake a claim in the literary world.
Shortly after arriving, his car is set aflame, his new bedroom is shared
with five Chinese guys, his nights are spent managing a team of supermarket
shelf stockers named the Animals, and his new girlfriend (an older, superhot redhead he met in the middle of the night named Jody)
may be a vampire. Okay, let's not sugar
coat it. She is a vampire and Tommy
Flood ends up becoming her minion. But
is having sex with a vampire and doing her laundry something that Tommy always
wanted? First book spoilers are still ahead. Read at your own risk.
YOU SUCK - STORY:
We pick up exactly where the first book left
off: C. Thomas Flood being turned into a vampire by Jody, and Elijah (the centuries old vampire that turned Jody
just for the fun of it) still stuck inside the bronze statue. But can the happily-ever-after ending from
the first book, really last? In short…nope. Sooner rather than later, Jody and Tommy
realize they still need to leave town as promised, but there's the little
problem of needing a minion to do their daylight bidding. Blue painted hookers, gothic minions, bald
cats, troubled teens, A Dirty Job's Charlie Asher, and the vampire Lord Flood
ensues.
THOUGHTS:
About the first eighty pages of the novel are
just a bunch of ridiculous conversations between Jody and Tommy. Basically, Tommy is being treated like a
child by Jody, as he tries to come to terms with being a fresh undead stalker
of the night. Not that banter is a
problem, but throughout most of the novel, you'll come to realize there's
really not much going on. There’s a lot
of talking, pot smoking (the Animals, not
Tommy since he is a vampire and all), sex, wandering around, and hiding
from daylight in the most awkward places.
With the first novel (Bloodsucking Fiends) being scene after scene of
vampire jokes and action chapters leading to the inevitable confrontation with
Elijah, You Suck isn't left with much of a plot to utilize. Therefore, Moore had to make things happen in
each of the separate story lines. For
instance, the Animals take all their hard earned stolen money and blow it in
Vegas on a Smurf hooker. The cops,
Cavuto and Rivera, have to make sure all vampires leave the city, and Jody and
Tommy have to search for a minion. But
even with those story lines happening, there's still no over-arching plot in the
novel. It feels more like random stories
from different people's journals that occasionally over-lap.
With all that being said, the real reason
anyone reads Moore is for the humor. So
is the book funny? Ridiculously
funny. The random conversations in the
beginning felt a little forced and out of character, but after the minion became
part of the novel, the pace and humor increased tenfold.
WHAT ABOUT A MINION?
If you've read A Dirty Job then you'll know of
the character Abigail Von Normal, AKA Abby Normal. (She is
the sixteen year old friend of Lily, the cashier at Charlie Asher's secondhand
store.) Abby has finally found and
fallen in love with her Dark Lord.
Except, her Dark Lord (the vampire Flood) isn't a few hundred years old
and definitely doesn't know anything about being a vampire. Abby's chapters throughout the book help the
writing feel fresh, because each word is written as if she's telling the story
in her diary. The way she phrases
conversations and events is absolutely hilarious.
Abby wants to be a vampire in the worst way and
at one part in the story—because of a certain event—she thinks she's been
turned and the "powers of the night" need some time to develop. So Abby begins to act tough, but she's
actually just a scared little girl that doesn't know crap about anything. And that makes her chapters a complete
delight. The way she describes her Nosferatude, her love for Starbucks, and
just her complete lack of caring, help carry the novel. And thank goodness, because with nothing much
to do, the Tommy and Jody story line, grows stale fast.
PACING:
Once the minion and the Animals story line
start to intersect with Jody and Tommy, the novel begins to pick up and
foolishness increases. Action starts to
actually take place and the lovely vampire couple find themselves falling
deeper and deeper into trouble. The next
hurdle is the ending. But don't expect a
humongous climax to take place. The
ending just happens to fizzle out like a few days old Pepsi and you're left with
a little more than indifference once the last page is turned. It’s sad, considering Moore’s other works.
CONCLUSION:
This may not be Moore's best plotted tale, but
his wacky writing is still woven deep within the novel. If you enjoyed Bloodsucking Fiends and want
to slightly deepen the story of Jody and Tommy, then feel at ease picking up
this second volume. If you found
Bloodsucking Fiends to be lacking, then there's no need to venture any further
into the saga. But regardless of story
trouble, the novel will still make you laugh if you have an appetite for
over-the-top Moore humor.
3 out of 5 stars (minus a star for the ending and one for the pacing)
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