DVD Movie Review - 2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

A nine year old will run out of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, exclaiming, "That was awesome."  While on the other hand, an adult that grew up on the turtles will nod their head, but privately think, "What the hell happened?"

STORY:

April O'Neil (Megan Fox) works at a news station and has never been given the opportunity to report "real" stories.  She wants nothing more than to uncover the truth behind the mysterious Foot Clan that wreaks havoc on New York City.  On one dark and stormy night in a container yard she happens upon the Foot Clan doing secretive things, but before she can step in, shadowy figures come out of the dark and open a can of whoop-ass on the Foot.  Who are these mysterious heroes of the night?  Could it be Gotham's protector, the Batman and his friends from the Justice League?  No.  Maybe it's the Punisher seeking revenge on those that harmed his family?  Not even close.  Instead, April stumbles upon a most awesome sight.  A washed-down version of eighties greatness: 2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Can she figure out who these vigilantes are before the Foot destroys New York?  Corny dialogue, a choppy plot, one Kung-Fu rat, and four of the bulkiest ninja turtles ensue.

"You keep saying that...but I can read.  I'm up to four letter words and my tutor says five 

letters just adds another letter."

THOUGHTS:

The box office has proven that all people want today is action, explosions, action, fart humor, explosions, and a tad bit of action with a side of explosions.  Well…behold, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Michael Bay productions didn't get enough flak from ruining the Transformers lore, so they decided to kill the TMNT too.  But it's not just the explosions or the non-ninja way the turtles fight, or even the cartoon version of Shredder and his Power Ranger moves…it's also the writing, the acting, the dialogue, and the plot that makes this film absolutely worthless.  Yes, of course, the explosions are cool and the truck action sequence is neat, but that doesn't mean you have a movie or story worth investing any precious time in.  It just means you have an idea.  And sometimes ideas are best left in a dusty old drawer with the rest of the nonsense that spews out of your head. 

"OMG.  These guys are like giant turtles and you're like a giant hamster.  That's cool.  I like 

your robe."

THE PLOT OR LACK THEREOF:

It feels like the writers wanted to take the TMNT franchise seriously, and make a Batman Begins-esque film, but the problem is not everyone is named Christopher Nolan.  And so while watching this film it's hard to figure out who the protagonist is throughout the story.  Is this a story about April and her pet turtles?  Or is this a story about a rat raising four turtles?  Is this a story about vigilantes trying to make a difference?  Or maybe it's a story about immature teenagers that can't seem to work together to accomplish anything.  Actually, it's none of the above, because the writers had no idea where to take this film and who to focus on.  We jump from one random person to the next without truly understanding anyone, including the turtles.  Now you may be thinking, "Yeah…but it's just a TMNT movie.  It's not supposed to be deep."  And you'd be right, but couldn't we at least get some form of a plot?

"Do me a favor, I've seen the movie's ending.  Just hang me up in a closet now, so I can avoid 

the embarrassment."

SPOILERS AHEAD.  USE CAUTION. (Or don't.  It doesn't really matter.)

About half way through the movie we meet the semi-bad guy, Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), whose entire reason for being is because he wants to get filthy rich.  Yet, he lives in the X-Men mansion in the middle of nowhere and seems to be the richest man in New York.  Oops.  But now you're asking just how does he plan on making even more money?  Well, his teacher, the Shredder, wants to make everyone sick in New York and then Mr. Sacks will come to the rescue, by creating the one drug that will save everyone.  The only problem is that story line was much better in Batman Begins, when the Scarecrow wanted to do it because he's psychotic and the League of Shadows just wanted to kill everyone.  But the best part is the drug that will make everyone sick cannot be manufactured without sucking the life out of the Turtles.  So now we finally know how they fit into the story (sort of).  Was it mentioned that April's father experimented on the turtles and they were April's pets?  No?  Well that's because that particular storyline was much easier to swallow in the rebooted Amazing Spider-Man, when Peter Parker's father just so happens to be the person behind the magic spiders.  It's almost as if the writers taped random movie plots on a wall and then threw darts to see which idea they'd be using.

END OF SPOILERS.

"Umm...April?"

"Yeah."

"I don't mean to interrupt, but it's "Crime Scene" not "Slene." 

THE ACTING:

It's about as good as Megan Fox's talent.  No more.  No less.  If you thought that this movie would bring her stardom to the highest peaks or slap an Oscar in her hands, then you might be a little off.  She's about as emotional as two by four with makeup.  The only actor with some talent is Will Arnett (April's cameraman, Vernon Fenwick).  Even though his scenes with the turtles can be cringe-worthy, there are a few moments that he might actually make you laugh.  William Fichtner tries his best with the script he's been handed and Tony Shalhoub amounts to about the same while voicing Splinter.  If you haven't realized it yet, the turtles haven't even been mentioned.  That's because their subplot and voice acting is forgettable.  There's not one of them that's makes an impact in the movie.  Not even Mikey, who's usually the life of the party.  He does fart though, so that's…something. 

How does one make a fight scene more dynamic?  By turning the camera until crooked.  That's 

how.  Duh.

CONCLUSION:

Michael Bay and his friends take the TMNT lore and put it through a meat grinder for the masses.  Tired actors, a thrown-together script, fart jokes, and even horrific character designs are only a few pieces that make up the awesomeness that is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  With crooked cinematography and Ninjutsu that seems to be swept under the rug, you might be better off catching a Power Rangers episode.  Now, if you love looking at Megan Fox and watching things explode in super slow motion, then you'll love 2014's TMNT.  For everyone else, there are numerous better things you could be doing with your time…like sleeping.

1 out of 5 Stars (Add one star for having the name TMNT)

DVD Movie Review - The Lego Movie

The Lego Movie bursts onto the screen with more action, more color, more laughs, and more life than most animated features put together.

"Dammit, Diana!  Don't you dare snap a photo."

*click*

"If you're even thinking of putting that up on Facebook, I--"

"You'll what?  Uploading..."

"I will NOT be your friend anymore."

STORY:

Emmet Brickowoski (Chris Pratt) is your ordinary Lego-man construction worker that follows all the rules and has absolutely nothing special about him.  That's until his dull life leads him down a hole and forces him to become the key to saving the Lego universe from Lord Business (Will Ferrell).  Bat puns, movie parodies, political jokes, the Kragle, and the most ear-worming song ever created in the history of melodic sound, ensues.

"One more outburst from either of you, and I'm turning this thing around."

THOUGHTS:

Lego, a child's construction toy, gathered all the company’s executives and decided the time was nigh to create an hour and half commercial—otherwise known as a movie—to sell their product.  And somehow the stars aligned, a butterfly flapped its wings, a volcano erupted, and a gang of writers pulled an entire script out of their asses…essentially by staring at a plastic brick.  Holy crap.  But not only did they create a script worthy of laugh-out-loud hysterics, they also infused it with hilarious parodies, Lego's biggest licenses, a plot that's action-packed, and clever hints to a bigger picture (which you'll understand once you see the ending).  And it's all wrapped up in a heart-warming family tale.  Brilliant.

After a brief, slightly confusing prologue (as the movie progresses it becomes clear), you're thrust head first into Emmet's world and taken on a roller coaster ride of excitement that doesn't stop until the credits roll.  And before you hit play for your child and walk out of the room to do adult stuff like play video games or sleep, stop and spend a few moments with the Lego Movie, you'll be thankful you did.  See, the writers not only knew how outrageous a movie based on a plastic brick would be, but they also knew that an animated film doesn't only have to cater to eight year olds and under.  This movie is saturated with underlining jokes that only adults will get, and most of the time you'll find yourself laughing more than the kids.  From Star Wars, to the old west, to political jabs, the writing never holds back.  And that really is what makes the Lego movie so efficient.  It knows how ridiculous a movie-commercial for a toy line is and the film uses that to its advantage. 

Why not show some of the more embarrassing toy ideas in Lego's past and make a joke about it?  Why not introduce Superman alongside Gandalf?  Why not show how goofy a mix-matched set of blocks really looks?  And most importantly…Why not have Batman parody himself throughout the entire movie?  The ammo for all these laughs is available.  The writers just had to know how to use it.  And they knocked it out of the park.

"Hahahaha...and right after I give them what they want, I'll slaughter every last one of them."

"That's a great plan, Sir, but why?"

"Why?  Because that's what bad guys do!  Now, go get me a coffee and don't forget about 

the non-fat soy milk.  It helps with my bowel movements."

THE VOICE ACTING:

The only way to create a Lego movie is to go all out by gathering top list actors.  Bolstering down Neeson, Freeman, Ferrell, Arnett, and the like is no easy task.  And each and every actor/actress doesn't hold back.  They throw everything they have into their respected roles, making the movie that much more enjoyable. 

The whole story rests on Chris Pratt's shoulders as he's the unlucky but likable protagonist.  Pratt delivers over-the-top dialogue with humorous flair in almost every line.  Will Ferrell was made for the roll of Lord Business.  He breathes comedic life into a tyrant without making you hate his guts.  Elizabeth Banks plays her best role to date.  You won't even recognize her as the leading lady, Wyldstyle, because of how much energy she injects into the character.  Morgan Freeman is solid as the all-knowing Vitruvius, and Liam Neeson shows his silly side by portraying Good cop/Bad cop.  But the star of the film rests with Will Arnett as Bats.  Whether Batman is attempting to throw his batarangs without any skill or is singing a song about being an orphan, he steals every scene.

"Emmet's right...I mean, he's an idiot, but sometimes even idiots have good ideas."

"Thanks, Batman."

"No problem, kid.  Now, go make me a sandwich."

WHO'LL HATE IT?

Adults that think animated features are those brief intermissions where a soft drink, popcorn, and assorted candies are singing, will probably be the same adults that do not put the Lego movie in their queue.  If you're a parent that has been wounded many times by the Lego brick to the foot, then you might have better things to do than watch this film.  Any parent that has had to listen to "Everything is awesome" sung by their child a thousand times in the six minutes following the film, will have nothing but loathing for this movie.  And finally, parents that were forcefully dragged to the toy store by their children after a dozen straight viewings to buy every piece of Lego adorning the shelves, might have a tough time digesting this film.

"Hey, I thought Batman didn't have time for a--"

"Mind your business, Kid.  It's not my fault I'm blessed with money, cool toys, and devastating good looks."

CONCLUSION:

With an amazing story, top-notch actors and actresses, parodies from across the board, Batman, and a child's favorite building toy, The Lego Movie crosses the commercial boundary and becomes an actual fun lighthearted film.  If animated features or toys in general don't appeal to the child within you, then you might want to handle The Lego Movie as if it's toxic waste.  For everyone else, The Lego Movie will spark creativity, laughter, and long forgotten childhood memories.  Just be prepared to run out to the store as soon as the movie ends to buy the kids a Lego kit or ten, because you'll never hear the end of it.  (A prepared parent will already have a Lego set ready and waiting before the film even starts.)  But no matter your age or plastic universe from which you hail, The Lego Movie will easily fit into any movie-goer's permanent collection.

4.5 out of 5 Stars (minus a ½ star for having to buy Lego sets after viewing)