Sometimes fondling a video game or zoning out
to a great movie is the only way to quell the thoughts of how insipid life can
be. And with another year down the
drain, it's easy to forget just what fantastic and/or terrible entertainment
you suffered through. But not to worry
my friends, P&P is here to rummage through 2014's landfill.
MOVIES:
No year is complete if trash didn't make its
way to the theater. Whether movies
flunked Plot Writing 101 or the acting just plain sucked, the turds of 2014 all
fall in the same category: toxic waste. The
biggest failure this year was The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Michael Bay and Company showed the world
exactly what not to do with any
beloved 80’s franchise. Not only did the
movie cast one of Hollywood’s greatest actresses (Megan Fox), it also took
beloved character designs and flushed them down the toilet. Way to go Bay, hopefully the next TMNT movie
(yes they’re making another) is just
as good as the first. But Bay wasn’t
satisfied with just one turd, he also brought Transformers: Age of Extinction
to theaters, only to have Mark Walhberg ridiculed because he happened to find
Optimus Prime lying in a trash dump.
Now, not all box-office blunders were led by
Bay and his script-inept friends. No,
other movies committed plot suicide too.
Surprisingly, leading the way was The Amazing Spiderman 2. How could a movie starring the famed
Spiderman do so poorly? By injecting the
plot with a crap-ton of villains and not having an ending. Usually one or the other is sufficient enough
to create garbage, but The Amazing Spiderman 2 took full advantage of
both. Well done Sony. And speaking of Sony, The Interview will go
down in history as the smoking hot infamous turd. After cancelling and then releasing to only
VOD’s, people around the world expected this film to be insightful,
intelligent, and a giant
kick-in-the-balls to North Korea.
Instead, viewers were treated to another bland so-called comedy starring
Seth
Rogen as…Seth Rogen.
In this shot, we're are shown what happens when a beloved franchise goes awry.
(Terrible idea. Circa 2014)
There
were other movies that came and went just like a hot silent fart. Sex Tape graced theaters for a moment before
disappearing into obscurity. A Million
Ways to Die in the West saw Seth MacFarlane jumping from the Family Guy to
big-budget blockbuster. The only problem
was Seth used too many jokes from the cartoon and the most humorous dialogue
seemed to never, ever end. Dumb and
Dumber To, a comedy that returned 20 years too late, arrived in theaters and no
one gave a sh*t. A movie starring Aaron
Eckhart called I, Frankenstein snuck its way into cinemas to play for about
three people. And those same three
people are still wondering what Eskrima is and why the movie had Frankenstein
in the title. Sin City 2 happened and no
one cared, while another Adam Sandler film (Blended) was created that people
hated. And finally, a sucky animated
film called The Nut Job occurred and another story of Dracula was
retold in Dracula Untold. There were
plenty more piles of crap this year, but who’s got that kind of time?
The upside to all the trash is the jewels that
found their way into movie-goer’s hearts.
This year has been monumental for Chris Pratt. Not only did he defy movie physics once, but
the man did it twice. First up was his
hour and a half toy commercial called The Lego Movie. Pratt voiced an ordinary construction worker
Lego man that brought tears to many eyes from laughter. Shooting even farther into stardom, Pratt also
starred as Peter Quill in Marvel’s The Guardians of the Galaxy. This film shocked the box office, not only
with numbers, but also with fantastic music, hilarious dialogue, and a great
story based on little to unknown Marvel characters. Well done, Mr. Pratt.
In this shot, we see an actor whose ass has been set aflame from tremendous acting skills.
(What awesomeness looks like. Circa 2014)
Again, Jake Gyllenhaal dove into a smaller
production called Nightcrawler (a movie
that still has people thinking it’s part of the X-men franchise) and knocked
the role out of the park. Captain
America, Chris Evans, shocked audiences everywhere playing the title role in a
Sci-Fi film called Snowpiercer, where his charismatic acting was only out-done
by the movie’s fantastically designed speeding train. The X-men franchise returned with a
refreshing story in Days of Future Past, and Andy Serkis rocked the world with
his acting in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
Animated films remained awesome with both How to Train Your Dragon 2 and
Big Hero 6. But the biggest news of 2014
is the comeback of the real Batman, Michael Keaton as Riggan Thomson in
Birdman.
VIDEO GAMES:
Shh…let’s not mention the mediocre year
videogames had. Wait…what? This is P&P, of course we’re going to mention
how messed up and ridiculous the videogame market was this past year. 2014 will be known as the year of re-masters,
let-downs, and broke titles.
Let’s jump right into the crap with Ubisoft’s
crown jewel Assassin’s Creed Unity. Only
Ubisoft can release a broken game to the masses and then say, “We didn’t know it was so sh*tty until we
released it.” Luckily, for gamers,
if you happened to buy this steaming pile of filth, you’ll be rewarded with
free DLC. For those that bought the
season pass (which hopefully people will
never do again from Ubisoft) you get a free game—as long as you agree not
to sue Ubisoft. Thanks Ubisoft. You’re awesome. Also damaged right out of the gate was—gasp—Halo: The Master Chief Collection. Say it isn’t so! Sorry Microsoft fanboys. Your game was crap. But just like Ubisoft, 343 will be offering a
free game: ODST. Not to be outdone, Sony
released—wait, scratch that—Sony didn’t release the free PS version of
DriveClub because it doesn’t work at all.
Not even slightly playable.
Hmm…and there’s people that bought the full sixty dollar version
too. The only difference is Sony offered
up just a “sorry” instead of a free
game. Oops.
2014 was supposed to be the year of next-gen
gaming. These games were going to blow
our minds. Knock our socks off. And even make Gamers everywhere drop their
pants and start to fap right there in the gaming aisle. Instead Gamers were left frustrated,
aggravated, and stunned because of all the giant let-downs that flooded the
market. The biggest piece of crap-hype
was Destiny, Bungie and Activision's half a billion dollar cash grab. Of course, there are millions of players from
around the world that still defend the title, screaming about Destiny’s awesome
story and fantastic luck driven level-up system. But no matter how you shake it, the game did
not live up to the hype built around it.
Sorry. Deal with it. Pretty good shooting mechanics though. But before Destiny traumatized the gaming
world with a story about nothing, another game released much earlier also with
a confusing/boring story. Watch Dogs:
only game you could essentially catch an NPC spanking it to virtual porn. Yes, Watch Dogs’ gameplay was tickled early
on with unbelievable graphics and smoke effects. But what released was less impressive than
the last generation GTA 5. Most Gamers
still played Watch Dogs, but the title was soon forgotten when Destiny’s mess
hit headlines. Also upsetting after
release, were the mediocre scores given to Alien: Isolation for its very long
and winded retreading of the same areas, and Infamous: Second Son for not
delivering a compelling main character or story. On the bottom of the list was Murdered: Soul
Suspect, a detective adventure that had a promising premise (a soul attempting to solve its own murder),
but sadly, the game ended up being nothing more than a middle-of-the-road slopper. Also
disturbing was the amount of re-masters that hit the shelves this year. Some of gaming’s highlights were GTA 5, TheLast of Us, both Metro games, and of course…The Halo collection.
But relax fellow joystick fondler. 2014 was also a year of surprises. Games that people didn’t know would be great,
turned out fantastic and new franchises that no one played, happened to be awesome. Leading the charge of sequel awesomeness and
game of the year awards was Dragon Age: Inquisition. The Bioware title promised a huge map, long
dialogue trees, an expansive story, and so much to do that you’ll have to quit
your job and live off your parents…at least for a few months. Did people actually beat this game? Silly gamer.
A Bioware game cannot be beaten.
It can only be played. Another
sequel, Far Cry 4, shocked gamers by one: actually working (it’s a Ubisoft title) and two: being
extremely fun and addictive. But the
crown for most sequels ever goes to Nintendo for its eighth iteration of Mario
Kart, which made fake girl-gamers everywhere, that much more sexy by playing
it. Nintendo also released Bayonetta 2,
making 12 year old boys cream in their pants, and Super Smash Bros. (short for brothers, please stop saying Bros)
for Wii U, which continues to be a fun multiplayer mess for beer parties.
Surprises!
Surprises everywhere! Skeptic
people were flabbergasted by how much fun Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’s
campaign and multiplayer was. Does it
have something to do with the voice talent Troy Baker or Kevin Spacey? Eh…whatever.
Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor became the AC game everyone was looking
for. With its nemesis system, awesome
stealth, and the ability to blow up heads while sword fighting, Shadow of
Mordor worked its way quickly into gamer hearts. If only it wasn’t set in Lord of the Rings
mythology more people would’ve played it.
South Park: The Stick of Truth proved a cartoon can become a gaming
legend (as long as the show’s creators
are heavily involved in the making), and Sunset Overdrive, a new
idea/franchise from Insomniac Games was a crazy/whimsical/amazing game that
almost no one played. But the highlight
of 2014, were the smaller games. There
are plenty that quelled the woes of humdrum AAA titles, but two became giants:
Shovel Knight, which brought back the feeling of 1980 greatness and Child of Light, a smaller title from—cough—Ubisoft
that surprised everyone with its new RPG fighting system and unbelievable art
direction.
This shot shows us what happens when you produce great animations, but forget to make the game work.
(Muddled Priorities. Circa 2014)
THE FUTURE:
You may be the type of person who has watched
every movie on the list above and still desires more. If that's the case, 2015 is on its way. Films like The Avengers: Age of Ultron,
Jurassic World, Terminator: Genisys (you’re
kidding, right? Nope), The Hunger
Games: Mockingjay Part 2 (if only they
could make ten more of these movies…if only), The Hateful 8, SPECTRE,
Furious 7, the soccer mom porno: Fifty Shades of Grey, and the humongous Star
Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (let
the fapping begin).
If games are your thing, here's a few to stimulate
your naughty bits: Final Fantasy 85 or 15 or 19 returns or whatever, Uncharted
4, The Order: 1886, The Witcher 3, Bloodborne, No Man’s Sky, Rainbow Six:
Siege, Batman: Arkham Knight, Scalebound, Crackdown, Quantum Break, Dying
Light, Rise of the Tomb Raider, Star Wars: Battlefront, Halo 5, The Division,
Legend of Zelda-Wii U, Metal Gear Solid V, and Mortal Kombat X.
