P&P's 2014 Year in Review

Sometimes fondling a video game or zoning out to a great movie is the only way to quell the thoughts of how insipid life can be.  And with another year down the drain, it's easy to forget just what fantastic and/or terrible entertainment you suffered through.  But not to worry my friends, P&P is here to rummage through 2014's landfill.

In this shot, a little known actor, sums up the feeling towards 2014 perfectly.

(Idiot making face. Circa 2014)

MOVIES:

No year is complete if trash didn't make its way to the theater.  Whether movies flunked Plot Writing 101 or the acting just plain sucked, the turds of 2014 all fall in the same category: toxic waste.  The biggest failure this year was The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Michael Bay and Company showed the world exactly what not to do with any beloved 80’s franchise.  Not only did the movie cast one of Hollywood’s greatest actresses (Megan Fox), it also took beloved character designs and flushed them down the toilet.  Way to go Bay, hopefully the next TMNT movie (yes they’re making another) is just as good as the first.  But Bay wasn’t satisfied with just one turd, he also brought Transformers: Age of Extinction to theaters, only to have Mark Walhberg ridiculed because he happened to find Optimus Prime lying in a trash dump.

Now, not all box-office blunders were led by Bay and his script-inept friends.  No, other movies committed plot suicide too.  Surprisingly, leading the way was The Amazing Spiderman 2.  How could a movie starring the famed Spiderman do so poorly?  By injecting the plot with a crap-ton of villains and not having an ending.  Usually one or the other is sufficient enough to create garbage, but The Amazing Spiderman 2 took full advantage of both.  Well done Sony.  And speaking of Sony, The Interview will go down in history as the smoking hot infamous turd.  After cancelling and then releasing to only VOD’s, people around the world expected this film to be insightful, intelligent, and a giant kick-in-the-balls to North Korea.  Instead, viewers were treated to another bland so-called comedy starring Seth Rogen as…Seth Rogen.

In this shot, we're are shown what happens when a beloved franchise goes awry. 

(Terrible idea. Circa 2014)

There were other movies that came and went just like a hot silent fart.  Sex Tape graced theaters for a moment before disappearing into obscurity.  A Million Ways to Die in the West saw Seth MacFarlane jumping from the Family Guy to big-budget blockbuster.  The only problem was Seth used too many jokes from the cartoon and the most humorous dialogue seemed to never, ever end.  Dumb and Dumber To, a comedy that returned 20 years too late, arrived in theaters and no one gave a sh*t.  A movie starring Aaron Eckhart called I, Frankenstein snuck its way into cinemas to play for about three people.  And those same three people are still wondering what Eskrima is and why the movie had Frankenstein in the title.  Sin City 2 happened and no one cared, while another Adam Sandler film (Blended) was created that people hated. And finally, a sucky animated film called The Nut Job occurred and another story of Dracula was retold in Dracula Untold.  There were plenty more piles of crap this year, but who’s got that kind of time?

The upside to all the trash is the jewels that found their way into movie-goer’s hearts.  This year has been monumental for Chris Pratt.  Not only did he defy movie physics once, but the man did it twice.  First up was his hour and a half toy commercial called The Lego Movie.  Pratt voiced an ordinary construction worker Lego man that brought tears to many eyes from laughter.  Shooting even farther into stardom, Pratt also starred as Peter Quill in Marvel’s The Guardians of the Galaxy.  This film shocked the box office, not only with numbers, but also with fantastic music, hilarious dialogue, and a great story based on little to unknown Marvel characters.  Well done, Mr. Pratt. 

In this shot, we see an actor whose ass has been set aflame from tremendous acting skills. 

(What awesomeness looks like. Circa 2014)

Again, Jake Gyllenhaal dove into a smaller production called Nightcrawler (a movie that still has people thinking it’s part of the X-men franchise) and knocked the role out of the park.  Captain America, Chris Evans, shocked audiences everywhere playing the title role in a Sci-Fi film called Snowpiercer, where his charismatic acting was only out-done by the movie’s fantastically designed speeding train.  The X-men franchise returned with a refreshing story in Days of Future Past, and Andy Serkis rocked the world with his acting in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.  Animated films remained awesome with both How to Train Your Dragon 2 and Big Hero 6.  But the biggest news of 2014 is the comeback of the real Batman, Michael Keaton as Riggan Thomson in Birdman.

In this shot, we see what Batman does on Sundays when the Joker takes off.  

(Batman reading paper. Circa 2014)

VIDEO GAMES:

Shh…let’s not mention the mediocre year videogames had.  Wait…what?  This is P&P, of course we’re going to mention how messed up and ridiculous the videogame market was this past year.  2014 will be known as the year of re-masters, let-downs, and broke titles. 

Let’s jump right into the crap with Ubisoft’s crown jewel Assassin’s Creed Unity.  Only Ubisoft can release a broken game to the masses and then say, “We didn’t know it was so sh*tty until we released it.”  Luckily, for gamers, if you happened to buy this steaming pile of filth, you’ll be rewarded with free DLC.  For those that bought the season pass (which hopefully people will never do again from Ubisoft) you get a free game—as long as you agree not to sue Ubisoft.  Thanks Ubisoft.  You’re awesome.  Also damaged right out of the gate was—gasp—Halo: The Master Chief Collection.  Say it isn’t so!  Sorry Microsoft fanboys.  Your game was crap.  But just like Ubisoft, 343 will be offering a free game: ODST.  Not to be outdone, Sony released—wait, scratch that—Sony didn’t release the free PS version of DriveClub because it doesn’t work at all.  Not even slightly playable.  Hmm…and there’s people that bought the full sixty dollar version too.  The only difference is Sony offered up just a “sorry” instead of a free game.  Oops.

This shot shows the ramifications of missing a zero during development.

(Broken game / hilarious glitch. Circa 2014) 

2014 was supposed to be the year of next-gen gaming.  These games were going to blow our minds.  Knock our socks off.  And even make Gamers everywhere drop their pants and start to fap right there in the gaming aisle.  Instead Gamers were left frustrated, aggravated, and stunned because of all the giant let-downs that flooded the market.  The biggest piece of crap-hype was Destiny, Bungie and Activision's half a billion dollar cash grab.  Of course, there are millions of players from around the world that still defend the title, screaming about Destiny’s awesome story and fantastic luck driven level-up system.  But no matter how you shake it, the game did not live up to the hype built around it.  Sorry.  Deal with it.  Pretty good shooting mechanics though.  But before Destiny traumatized the gaming world with a story about nothing, another game released much earlier also with a confusing/boring story.  Watch Dogs: only game you could essentially catch an NPC spanking it to virtual porn.  Yes, Watch Dogs’ gameplay was tickled early on with unbelievable graphics and smoke effects.  But what released was less impressive than the last generation GTA 5.  Most Gamers still played Watch Dogs, but the title was soon forgotten when Destiny’s mess hit headlines.  Also upsetting after release, were the mediocre scores given to Alien: Isolation for its very long and winded retreading of the same areas, and Infamous: Second Son for not delivering a compelling main character or story.  On the bottom of the list was Murdered: Soul Suspect, a detective adventure that had a promising premise (a soul attempting to solve its own murder), but sadly, the game ended up being nothing more than a middle-of-the-road slopper.  Also disturbing was the amount of re-masters that hit the shelves this year.  Some of gaming’s highlights were GTA 5, TheLast of Us, both Metro games, and of course…The Halo collection.

In this shot, we see what happens to Gamers when they ask about missing effects in game releases.

(Developer beating Gamer. Circa 2014)

But relax fellow joystick fondler.  2014 was also a year of surprises.  Games that people didn’t know would be great, turned out fantastic and new franchises that no one played, happened to be awesome.  Leading the charge of sequel awesomeness and game of the year awards was Dragon Age: Inquisition.  The Bioware title promised a huge map, long dialogue trees, an expansive story, and so much to do that you’ll have to quit your job and live off your parents…at least for a few months.  Did people actually beat this game?  Silly gamer.  A Bioware game cannot be beaten.  It can only be played.  Another sequel, Far Cry 4, shocked gamers by one: actually working (it’s a Ubisoft title) and two: being extremely fun and addictive.  But the crown for most sequels ever goes to Nintendo for its eighth iteration of Mario Kart, which made fake girl-gamers everywhere, that much more sexy by playing it.  Nintendo also released Bayonetta 2, making 12 year old boys cream in their pants, and Super Smash Bros. (short for brothers, please stop saying Bros) for Wii U, which continues to be a fun multiplayer mess for beer parties.

In this shot, we see what happens when an actor has done all there is in Hollywood.

(Alarming Realism. Circa 2014) 

Surprises!  Surprises everywhere!  Skeptic people were flabbergasted by how much fun Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’s campaign and multiplayer was.  Does it have something to do with the voice talent Troy Baker or Kevin Spacey?  Eh…whatever.  Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor became the AC game everyone was looking for.  With its nemesis system, awesome stealth, and the ability to blow up heads while sword fighting, Shadow of Mordor worked its way quickly into gamer hearts.  If only it wasn’t set in Lord of the Rings mythology more people would’ve played it.  South Park: The Stick of Truth proved a cartoon can become a gaming legend (as long as the show’s creators are heavily involved in the making), and Sunset Overdrive, a new idea/franchise from Insomniac Games was a crazy/whimsical/amazing game that almost no one played.  But the highlight of 2014, were the smaller games.  There are plenty that quelled the woes of humdrum AAA titles, but two became giants: Shovel Knight, which brought back the feeling of 1980 greatness and Child of Light, a smaller title from—cough—Ubisoft that surprised everyone with its new RPG fighting system and unbelievable art direction.

This shot shows us what happens when you produce great animations, but forget to make the game work.

(Muddled Priorities. Circa 2014)

THE FUTURE:

You may be the type of person who has watched every movie on the list above and still desires more.  If that's the case, 2015 is on its way. Films like The Avengers: Age of Ultron, Jurassic World, Terminator: Genisys (you’re kidding, right?  Nope), The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 (if only they could make ten more of these movies…if only), The Hateful 8, SPECTRE, Furious 7, the soccer mom porno: Fifty Shades of Grey, and the humongous Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (let the fapping begin).

If games are your thing, here's a few to stimulate your naughty bits: Final Fantasy 85 or 15 or 19 returns or whatever, Uncharted 4, The Order: 1886, The Witcher 3, Bloodborne, No Man’s Sky, Rainbow Six: Siege, Batman: Arkham Knight, Scalebound, Crackdown, Quantum Break, Dying Light, Rise of the Tomb Raider, Star Wars: Battlefront, Halo 5, The Division, Legend of Zelda-Wii U, Metal Gear Solid V, and Mortal Kombat X.

Now…P&P knows how much fun it is to dream about and even crave the future, but never forget to always make the best of today.  See you next year.  Happy New Year from Prose and Postulations!

DVD Movie Review - The Lego Movie

The Lego Movie bursts onto the screen with more action, more color, more laughs, and more life than most animated features put together.

"Dammit, Diana!  Don't you dare snap a photo."

*click*

"If you're even thinking of putting that up on Facebook, I--"

"You'll what?  Uploading..."

"I will NOT be your friend anymore."

STORY:

Emmet Brickowoski (Chris Pratt) is your ordinary Lego-man construction worker that follows all the rules and has absolutely nothing special about him.  That's until his dull life leads him down a hole and forces him to become the key to saving the Lego universe from Lord Business (Will Ferrell).  Bat puns, movie parodies, political jokes, the Kragle, and the most ear-worming song ever created in the history of melodic sound, ensues.

"One more outburst from either of you, and I'm turning this thing around."

THOUGHTS:

Lego, a child's construction toy, gathered all the company’s executives and decided the time was nigh to create an hour and half commercial—otherwise known as a movie—to sell their product.  And somehow the stars aligned, a butterfly flapped its wings, a volcano erupted, and a gang of writers pulled an entire script out of their asses…essentially by staring at a plastic brick.  Holy crap.  But not only did they create a script worthy of laugh-out-loud hysterics, they also infused it with hilarious parodies, Lego's biggest licenses, a plot that's action-packed, and clever hints to a bigger picture (which you'll understand once you see the ending).  And it's all wrapped up in a heart-warming family tale.  Brilliant.

After a brief, slightly confusing prologue (as the movie progresses it becomes clear), you're thrust head first into Emmet's world and taken on a roller coaster ride of excitement that doesn't stop until the credits roll.  And before you hit play for your child and walk out of the room to do adult stuff like play video games or sleep, stop and spend a few moments with the Lego Movie, you'll be thankful you did.  See, the writers not only knew how outrageous a movie based on a plastic brick would be, but they also knew that an animated film doesn't only have to cater to eight year olds and under.  This movie is saturated with underlining jokes that only adults will get, and most of the time you'll find yourself laughing more than the kids.  From Star Wars, to the old west, to political jabs, the writing never holds back.  And that really is what makes the Lego movie so efficient.  It knows how ridiculous a movie-commercial for a toy line is and the film uses that to its advantage. 

Why not show some of the more embarrassing toy ideas in Lego's past and make a joke about it?  Why not introduce Superman alongside Gandalf?  Why not show how goofy a mix-matched set of blocks really looks?  And most importantly…Why not have Batman parody himself throughout the entire movie?  The ammo for all these laughs is available.  The writers just had to know how to use it.  And they knocked it out of the park.

"Hahahaha...and right after I give them what they want, I'll slaughter every last one of them."

"That's a great plan, Sir, but why?"

"Why?  Because that's what bad guys do!  Now, go get me a coffee and don't forget about 

the non-fat soy milk.  It helps with my bowel movements."

THE VOICE ACTING:

The only way to create a Lego movie is to go all out by gathering top list actors.  Bolstering down Neeson, Freeman, Ferrell, Arnett, and the like is no easy task.  And each and every actor/actress doesn't hold back.  They throw everything they have into their respected roles, making the movie that much more enjoyable. 

The whole story rests on Chris Pratt's shoulders as he's the unlucky but likable protagonist.  Pratt delivers over-the-top dialogue with humorous flair in almost every line.  Will Ferrell was made for the roll of Lord Business.  He breathes comedic life into a tyrant without making you hate his guts.  Elizabeth Banks plays her best role to date.  You won't even recognize her as the leading lady, Wyldstyle, because of how much energy she injects into the character.  Morgan Freeman is solid as the all-knowing Vitruvius, and Liam Neeson shows his silly side by portraying Good cop/Bad cop.  But the star of the film rests with Will Arnett as Bats.  Whether Batman is attempting to throw his batarangs without any skill or is singing a song about being an orphan, he steals every scene.

"Emmet's right...I mean, he's an idiot, but sometimes even idiots have good ideas."

"Thanks, Batman."

"No problem, kid.  Now, go make me a sandwich."

WHO'LL HATE IT?

Adults that think animated features are those brief intermissions where a soft drink, popcorn, and assorted candies are singing, will probably be the same adults that do not put the Lego movie in their queue.  If you're a parent that has been wounded many times by the Lego brick to the foot, then you might have better things to do than watch this film.  Any parent that has had to listen to "Everything is awesome" sung by their child a thousand times in the six minutes following the film, will have nothing but loathing for this movie.  And finally, parents that were forcefully dragged to the toy store by their children after a dozen straight viewings to buy every piece of Lego adorning the shelves, might have a tough time digesting this film.

"Hey, I thought Batman didn't have time for a--"

"Mind your business, Kid.  It's not my fault I'm blessed with money, cool toys, and devastating good looks."

CONCLUSION:

With an amazing story, top-notch actors and actresses, parodies from across the board, Batman, and a child's favorite building toy, The Lego Movie crosses the commercial boundary and becomes an actual fun lighthearted film.  If animated features or toys in general don't appeal to the child within you, then you might want to handle The Lego Movie as if it's toxic waste.  For everyone else, The Lego Movie will spark creativity, laughter, and long forgotten childhood memories.  Just be prepared to run out to the store as soon as the movie ends to buy the kids a Lego kit or ten, because you'll never hear the end of it.  (A prepared parent will already have a Lego set ready and waiting before the film even starts.)  But no matter your age or plastic universe from which you hail, The Lego Movie will easily fit into any movie-goer's permanent collection.

4.5 out of 5 Stars (minus a ½ star for having to buy Lego sets after viewing)