Book Review - This Book is Full of Spiders

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With LSD in hand, along with several different colored uppers and downers, I opened "This Book is Full of Spiders" expecting a ridiculous trip into Wongland, but what I received was just a web full of educated words.  This novel is the sequel to John Dies at the End; you can read our awesome review of that right here.

STORY:

The world of David Wong and his buddy, burn-out John, once again comes to life and this time they're dealing with a new breed of Zombie—The Spider Zombie.  Their town has been overrun by monsters that will eat your ass and your face, depending on their appetite.  It's up to Dave and John to save the town of Undisclosed and the world from utter demise.  Along the way, Dave gets incarcerated, while John gets intoxicated, and Amy—Dave’s girlfriend—spends her time trying to pick up the pieces.

 Huh? Spider-Zombies? Crap, I don't think we have any of those, but I can check.

THOUGHTS:

JDatE was a book full of zany mini stories, ridiculous horror sequences, and seemingly endless creativity.  It may not have made much sense as a whole, but it definitely brought life to the comedy horror genre.  With meat monsters, phone-sandwiches, and hysterical gamer scenes, there was a lot to love in the first book, even with its faults.

You want a side of ribs or...? 

This Book is Full of Spiders is written by the same author, who miraculously grew up and decided he wanted to be a writer.  Bummer.  The fans, who loved the first book with so many wacky, craptastic things happening in every other paragraph, will be scratching their heads and their balls, wondering if they bought the right book.  You might even spend some time turning it over in your hands with a confused and perplexing expression painted on your face.

Where the first book seemed geared toward the young twenty something’s looking for gross horror, farting demons, and gaming frenzies.  The second book is looking to make friends with the horror mainstream.  It’s sad, because the crazy over-the-top writing from the first is what made Mr. Wong stand out among the crowd, but now it seems, he’s just looking to fit in.  Fail.

Someone must have come in the room while Wong was writing it—say around the 100 page mark—and decided to beat him with a four foot, purple dildo, until he learned the English language and could construct a descend paragraph.  And just when you thought the book’s ending would mimic any other typical horror/thriller, Wong's slave-driver left for more lube, and the real Wong finished the book.

Check out my new field-hockey stick! 

Seriously, the beginning and the very end seem to be written by the young, creative, drugged-up Wong, while the middle was tapped out by an intellectual.  What the hell happened?  Did he run out of Soy Sauce in the middle?

You want to stick this where?

Instead of chapters, the book is broken into a count down to one event or another.  I'm guessing this is to add suspense and momentum.  Except I never really looked at the time limit as I read, and when the book begins to jump back in time and then forward again, and then back in time, and then switch perspective, and then go forward, and then back in time...I hardly knew where the hell I was at, and what was happening.

Like I said, the first book was all over the place too, but mainly it felt like separate silly stories, and not Back to the Future on crack, like this one.  The story would begin to take off, and then suddenly, you're thrown back in time in another perspective and the momentum is fired straight into a brick wall and left to die.  Kind of like a horny teenager just about to climax, and then the Internet goes down and you’re left holding your wang or Wong, with nothing to do.

 

I'm sorry if I fooled you, it's not my fault--did you see the 4ft. purple dildo? 

The silliness geared toward the gamer, I-just-want-to-have-fun attitude, was replaced in this novel with the, you-better-get-off-your-ass attitude and become something.  Is this a lesson trying to snake its way into a Wong novel?  But why?  I’m just here for laughs, Sir, no need to force lessons down my throat.  On top of that, you get the save-the-environment vibe here and there (which I’m really frigging tired of hearing—so, if I drive an electric car, somewhere in the world a butterfly gets its wings?  F--- off!  I have more important things to be worried about, like my job and paying the bills).  I don’t know about you, but I bought this book to forget the world’s woes and just enjoy myself while reading.  If I want to read crap, finger-painted to resemble words, I’ll go read a newspaper. 

Now look at what you’ve done, Wong, you’ve sent me on a tangent.  Getting back on track:

If you enjoyed the first book and are looking for more stories in that same universe, then check out "This Book is Full of Spiders."  It may not be the delinquent Wong we all fell in love with, but part of him is still alive in the story.  The sad thing is: he probably isn't coming back, so I'd get used to the more mainstream stories from now on.

2.5 out of 5 stars (minus 1.5 stars for the back-tracking and 1 star for the preachy crap)

Violent Video-Games Create Sickos

Smile, and then wait for the flash!

The Barnum and Bailey rejects that have surfaced in Washington, are attempting to scratch the violent media rash that's plagued our society for decades.  If you haven't been paying much attention, I don't blame you, in fact I applaud you.  The following work is ridiculous and is written to show exactly how foolish all this crap really sounds.  Enjoy.

Let me start out by saying the effects of watching violent movies and playing violent video games, are creating psychopaths right in my very own neighborhood.  Why, just the other day there were a few zombies just hanging out, minding their own business on my front lawn—and really, how much trouble can zombies get into—shuffling around, enjoying the fresh air when out of nowhere this sword wielding freak jumps out of the bushes and starts hacking them to pieces.  It was horrible.  Blood splatter and decaying flesh stuck to my windows, brain matter sluggishly crawling down my stone work.  I'll never be the same again, and the only conclusion I came up with: violent media.  It's plagued our society for long enough and it must be stopped.

Batter Up.

Let me share a personal story that I haven't told anyone, ever: 

A few years back I was spending a perfectly good Saturday morning playing a violent video game, like a normal individual.  So there I was, in my underwear, barrel of cheese balls snuggled into my crotch, and bam—something clicked.  I can't really describe it, but it was like the perfect rule-following, society-loving person died and just a crazed shell remained. My brain and my emotions suddenly scrambled and I couldn't help but instantly jump up and run outside like a feral beast looking for food.

I heard a rumbling in the street about fifty feet away, and felt a shiver crawl up my legs.  I don't know why, but I ran to my shed and grabbed the only gun I had laying around at the time.  It's a hefty piece of equipment with automatic/semiautomatic firing, and a chainsaw's chain wrapping around the bottom of the barrel toward the trigger.  Now, I know what you're thinking: "Man, that gun is already outdated, he’d be better off with a full suit of armor that allows stealth, strength and speed."  And right you would be my friend, but alas, the chainsaw machine gun was all that hung in my shed that day.

A little off the top?

I holstered that sucker between my waist and forearm and went plowing toward the street.  No one but me seemed to notice the earth rattling, and I knew deep in my soul that only I would be able to stop it.  The rumbling I felt ceased for a split second and then it happened.  A sink hole erupted in the middle of the street and a grotesque humanoid crawled out.

Grrrr aghhh grrrr burp arghhh!

It grunted and stuck its lip out at me.  I just snapped.  Without thinking, I serpentine toward the towering beast and let fly a volley of assault bullets that tore the poor grunt down, but he hadn't fallen yet.  He just crawled toward me with outstretched hands.  But I couldn't help myself; I churned the chainsaw underneath the gun, the sheer power and sound thrilled me to my core, and I ripped him clear in half.  The grunt’s body lay underneath my feet, split from head to torso in a heap of flesh, acid blood and organs.  I raised the chainsaw machine gun high and howled at the sky.  My breathing heavy and fast, and yet I felt nothing.  Looking at the faces staring at me, an obscure human feeling rose up from my loins: shame.  What did I do? And more importantly—why?

After satisfying my urge to slaughter the grunt, I learned that he worked for a local florist and was attempting to deliver some flowers right before I slayed him.  It's a stain on my record and on my heart and I want to make a full apology to the grunt nation if I caused any type of harm or loathing toward mankind.

Because of this terrible mark on my record, when asked to save the galaxy from the reapers, I gracefully declined.  I just stood there frozen, with a Johnny Walker in my hands and started shaking.  Remembering Emergence Day rested too heavily upon my shoulders.  Fortunately, I do hear a valiant Commander by the name of Shepard picked up my torch.  All I can say is: I'm still here and the world is still here, so he must have done something right.  Apparently though, after all the decisions he made along the way, nothing really mattered, and he just ended up dying anyway.  It's really sad when you think about it.

We're here to stop the robots from stopping humanity, from stopping the robots.

All these lessons I've learned, I took and stored away in my torture chamber—the same place I use to play violent video games—and realized that there's a lesson to be learned.  Violent video games or any violent media, are bad for people, and create psycho tendencies in perfectly healthy humans that ruin our almost perfect society.  Video games shouldn't feature blood, aliens, death-dealing robots or vampires.  They should feature rainbows and butterflies and whales and panda bears.

There, don't you feel better already?

So needless to say, I burned all those brain melting games, just like the Nazis did books, and I'm happier for it.

Well, this action created more people jumping on board, because sometimes a person just wants to feel involved in anything, and together our small but mighty neighborhood had one heck of a video game bonfire going.  See, some people just decided that all games were bad and burned anything they had, and really...can you blame them?

It's really been peaceful since.  Not one crazy video game freak has done anything to ruin our perfect society.  Why, the other day a zombie was walking the street and a little girl offered up her ice cream to him; a kind gesture that made all our citizens proud.  Not to mention the zombie.  He was so thankful, he ate the ice cream and then just continued right on up her arm, and now little Jenny is a walking, talking, flesh-eating zombie too.  And her father couldn't be more delighted.

Hi, big daddy!

You would think that since our town is doing so well, we would have no further improvements to make.  You'd be wrong.  I personally instituted a drug program that will remove all emotions from society, and heading up the law enforcement branch will be an actor named, Christian (though he is fascinated with gun-kata, weird right?).  We're all very happy. 

Hope you have a wonderful day, and if there's one moral to take from all this, please remember: zombies, aliens, robots and grunts are people too.  Oh, and video games are bad, bad, bad.

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The above piece is to be read only as satire, and is in no way to be construed to make fun of any tragic events, recent or in the past.  We aim to make you and ourselves laugh, because if we don't, we’re afraid we'll cry.  We also believe that love, caring and faith starts at home with every parent.  It's not the act of telling someone you love them, it's showing them that you love them.  Our hearts go out to all victims in any crime.  And those souls, who have been lost, will forever remain in our prayers.