The average person wakes up every morning to witless
bosses, ridiculous requests, limitless bills, and random aggravation. And when the work day is finally finished all
you want is a few hours to watch porn, eat, sleep, and of course, ingest as
much entertainment as possible. Why
entertainment? Sometimes fondling a
video game or zoning out to a great movie is the only way to quell the thoughts
of how insipid life can be. And with an entire
year down the drain, it's easy to forget just what fantastic and/or terrible
entertainment you sat through. But not
to worry my friends, P&P is here to rummage through 2013's landfill. And no, we won't be touching subjects like
Justin Bieber's thirst for whores, or Miley Cyrus' habit of licking dirty
tools (not male anatomy, get your head
out of the gutter). We're here to
shine a light on movies and video games: the real entertainment.
What? You act like you never saw a girl that needs a little extra iron in her diet.
MOVIES:
No year is complete if trash didn't make its
way to the theater, only to upset the popcorn shoveling mobs. And this year was no different. Whether movies flunked Plot Writing 101 or
the acting just plain sucked, the turds of 2013 all fall in the same category:
toxic waste.
The biggest failure was…surprise…The Lone
Ranger. With a budget that could have fed
a small country and such an iconic name [Johnny Depp] to anchor the film,
Hollywood could not fathom what went wrong.
Hmm…could it be the story sucked? Maybe Armie Hammer as the beloved ranger,
running around hating guns and chasing after his brother's wife, just wasn't taboo
enough to fill seats. Or perhaps people
are just sick of Depp playing the same role for the last decade. Either way the movie bombed. But not to be outdone, Jack the Giant Slayer
and the Ryan Reynolds hit, R.I.P.D, weren't very far behind. But Reynolds didn't want to stop there…the
man stuck to his guns and delivered another turd which was in theaters almost the
same time as R.I.P.D called Turbo. Who
could possibly hate an animated feature about a snail, who gets swallowed by a
car engine and magically has the power to race in the Indy 500?
But all the box office blunders weren't just
Ryan Reynolds' fault. No. Some movies, like The Mortal Instruments,
tried to cash-in on the success of the Hunger Games and failed miserably. Ender's Game saw better days, but that was
only because everyone hates what the author of the book stands for, and because Harrison Ford's name doesn't
carry the weight of Solo anymore. Ford
also had another stinker, Paranoia: a movie only a few vagrants and the film's
extras went to see. Ashton Kutcher rode
the crap-wagon (there's a surprise)
with Jobs, and the wonderful tag-team of Will and Jaden Smith delivered some of
the worst acting and dialogue this year with After Earth. But not all 2013 was a pile of dog crap. No, there were gems too.
This year helped cement Matthew McConaughey as
an Indie king with Mud. Gravity floated into
movie-goer hearts and Michael Shannon continued his great performances with The
Iceman and Man of Steel. The latter of
which giving DC a kick in the pants to invigorate their franchises and tie them
together, mimicking Disney. Speaking of
Marvel, they continue to spew comic-book movies out of their respectable asses,
gracing the screen with Iron Man 3, which filled the biggest purse this year,
and Thor: The Dark World.
Jenny Lawrence let her behind sway in two giant
films: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and American Hustle. Brad Pitt moved full steam ahead with zombies
in World War Z and played second or third banana in 12 Years a Slave, starring
Chiwetel Ejiofor (try to type that name
with spell-check). Simon Pegg and
pal, Nick Frost, played drunken buddies in The World's End, and Tom Cruise
fought himself in Oblivion. (Guess you really can't get enough Cruise,
even when he’s numbered in the thousands)
Despicable Me 2 and Monsters University brought in huge numbers, and the
Fast and Furious franchise delivered their best film yet, with the sixth
installment. But what surprised us the
most this year was Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal dishing out extremely,
unbelievable performances in Prisoners.
And not to undersell TV, this year saw the
finale of two monster shows: Breaking Bad and Dexter. Breaking Bad concluded with what people are
calling "the most perfect" five seasons of television. Walter White's exit from the last episode revealed
some writers have the vision and balls to finish a show properly, whereas
Dexter scrambled with his dead sister through a hospital, while everyone looked
on.
VIDEO GAMES:
What a year for joystick fondling introverts! Not only did 2013 see the return of some
beloved franchises, but the next generation of gaming is now underway. The biggest name to roll out of the gate was
of course, GTA 5, bringing all the lovely hookers, drug dealers, heists,
psychos, and nutty family tasks you could handle. Shame the story wasn't up to par. But not to worry as a Playstation exclusive
had you covered. The Last of Us exposed
gamers to the next evolution in gaming experiences, harnessing a story that
made you fall for every character you met.
JRPG's had some love with Ni No Kuni, which
delivered studio Ghibli to your fingertips.
But if it was a crazy story and
beautiful visuals that you craved, then Bioshock Infinite’s ending had you
covered. Nintendo, sitting last in the
console war—due to 90's graphics—birthed fun on the Wii U and 3DS with Super
Mario 3D world, Animal Crossing: New Leaf, and the Legend of Zelda: The Wind
Waker. Huge titles like Call of Duty:
Ghosts had a quieter release, because of the next generation consoles or the
fact that people are tired of Activision releasing the same game under a new
name—every frigging year. Speaking of every year, another Assassin's Creed
(Black Flag) came out, this time shoving pirates in your face, and a little
known woman, by the name of Lara Croft, rebooted her life in Tomb Raider—soon
to be re-released on the new consoles.
DC threw Superman under the bus in Injustice: Gods Among Us, as the
Devil May Cry stunned its fans with a new set of clothes and a fashionable
haircut.
Smaller games also had gigantic impacts this
past year, making people praise their stories, or ideas, or controls, or even visuals. Tearaway fell into the laps of Vita owners
who yearned for more games, but they still had a hard time pulling P4G out of
their system. Brothers: A Tale of Two
Sons surprised the populace, along with Rayman Legends and Guacamelee. But it’s Gone Home that still has non-PC
gamers scratching their heads and expelling vulgarity.
Not to be outdone, mobile gaming had a few hits
that made hardcore gamers somewhat accept the iPad in their homes. Ports like Star Wars: KOTOR, GTA: San
Andreas, and Xcom: Enemy Unknown helped two or three customers teetering on the
fence, splurge on a tablet. And let's
not forget about a few originals: Republique, Oceanhorn, the Room 2, Deus Ex:
The Fall, Device 6, and the king of mobile: Infinity Blade 3. But it’s Telltale's the Walking Dead season 2
and the new Wolf Among Us that’ll have people talking until next year.
THE FUTURE:
You may be the type of person who has played
and watched everything on the list above and still desires more. If that's the case, 2014 has you
covered. Enormous films are on the
way: Roboslop...whoops Robocop, Noah,
Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Transcendence, The Amazing Spider-Man 2,
Godzilla, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Edge of Tomorrow, Dawn of the Planet of
the Apes, Guardians of the Galaxy, Interstellar, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay
Part 1, and hopefully the end of the Hobbit.
If games are your thing, here's a few to stimulate
your naughty bits: Final Fantasy 85 or 15 or 13 returns or whatever, Naughty
Dog's next Uncharted, Infamous: Second Son, Destiny, Thief, The Order: 1886,
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, South Park: The Stick of Truth, and finally...The
Elder Scrolls Online.
P&P knows how much fun it is to dream about
and crave the future, but never forget to always make the best of today. See you next year.
Happy New Year from Prose and Postulations!
