Game Review - Transistor

It's easy to love Transistor from Supergiant Games (the studio that brought you Bastion) because of its enchanting music and stunning art direction, but sadly, a confusing story and some frustrating combat mechanics hinder its greatness.

NOTE: All games are reviewed on the same level: no matter if they're Indie, AAA, or made in a garage by a guy named Johnny Fingers.  Also, all games must adhere to the same principles: they must work, they must make sense (story or gameplay), and most importantly…they must be fun.

STORY:

Red, a singer that has had her voice stolen, comes across a giant talking sword.  Without thinking twice, she yanks the weapon from its resting place and begins to drag it through Art Deco environments in search of the bad guys that stole her voice.  Standing in Red's way are various robots and mechanical beasts.  Superb audio, pain-in-the-ass dogs, annoying young ladies, and frustrating speed tests ensue.

"Oh, what a lovely sword."

"Psst.  Hey you, Red.  Come here.  Why don't you place those long, lovely fingers around my hilt and fondle away?"

"Oh, and it talks with innuendos too."   

THOUGHTS:

Transistor is a hardcore gamer's delight.  When others gamers are throwing their controllers against the wall from frustrating in-game tests, the hardcore gamer is laughing maniacally while urinating in their Depends to deter any lost concentration.  It's true, Transistor has a few oddities that the casual or mature gamer will find a tad aggravating.  The first thing you may notice is its non-willingness to share any helpful information throughout your play through.  Transistor is a game that'll take you around seven hours to conquer, but about half that time is spent in the menus trying to figure out how to play and what ability to use.  You want help dealing with those nasty Fetches or unrelenting Young Ladies?  Fat chance, kid.  Transistor isn't the parent that holds your hand while crossing the street.  It's the parent that stands on the other side of the road and waits impatiently for you to make the wrong move.  Then instead of watching you die and try again, it removes one of your legs (abilities) and just waits longer.

The other little oddity squeezed into Transistor is its confusing story.  There's really no three part act taking place.  It's more like you’re wandering around in a cloud—or Cloudbank as the game calls it—wondering just what to do next.  Is there any revelation in the game as to why any of this is happening to Red?  Nope.  Do the bad guys tell you exactly what the process is or how is came to be?  Nope.  So what does the game share?  A few bits and pieces of narration from a talking sword.  And if the gamer has enough imagination in their pixelated brain, maybe they'll find a way to fill in the blanks.  Just don't expect a fully flushed out story once the credits roll.

"Excuse me, waiter.  This menu is a little confusing.  What do you suggest?"

"Sorry, Madame, you are on your own."

"In that case, I'll have the buffalo dragon wing, the umbrella with cheese, and a puree unicorn on the rocks."

AUDIO DONE RIGHT:

This is by far one of the areas in which the game excels.  Not only is the music beautifully crafted to fit within the cyberpunk theme, but the narration (the talking sword that Red holds) goes above and beyond the call of duty throughout the story.  Not only will the player be walking through environments, fighting baddies, or reading the news (not kidding), but you’ll get to do all that while having a sword talk your ear off.  It may remind some players of Excalibur from Soul Eater, without all the silliness of course.  "FOOL!"  And one little charm to playing Transistor on the PS4 is the ability to have the narrator's voice come through the controller instead of the TV.

"Man, I sure hope there aren't any left or right turns coming up..."

GAMEPLAY & COMBAT:

Transistor runs smoothly without a hiccup.  Red will execute a move when told and all manner of button-mashing works perfectly.  So what's the problem?  Funny you should ask.  See, the combat is a teensy weensy more involved than Bastion.  The Kid usually made his way through colorful environments shooting everything in the face.  Red on the other hand, has to study her options, because the awesome, yet bulky sword makes her slow as crap.  And if she's constantly getting hit, then the game does something remarkable: instead of letting you die and try again, Transistor removes one of your processes (abilities).  Hence the hardcore gamer's delight.  So you could be traversing a whole level, bashing and mashing baddies and robot A-holes, and then BAM—you level up and attain an awesome new ability to crush the bad guys.  It's just too bad a moment later when you’re taking some heat, the game rips that ability away and now you’re stuck with the old crappy ones again.  But the fun doesn't stop there.  If you continue to take hits, Transistor will remove another ability, then another, and then another...until you have one junk ability left and a boss fight coming up.  As if the developers wanted you to be handicapped and never truly reach full potential.  For example, in Diablo 3, towards the end of the game, your powers make you feel unstoppable.  In Transistor though, you always feel like you're being held back.  This pulls the fun right out from under you, making the game feel more like a chore than an enjoyable experience.

But there is a saving grace.  You didn't think Transistor was all doom and gloom, did you?  To weave your way a little easier through the enemies, Transistor gives you the "Turn."  The ability to stop play and strategically choose movements (not too many, it wouldn't want you to have too much fun) and then execute your strikes in a faster, much more efficient manner.  But here comes the downside.  While your Turn Meter fills back up, you're left without any abilities to use.  Oops.  Sure, in the later levels—once stacking becomes available—you have the option to use one process during the filling of the Turn Meter, but that's only if it hasn't been taken away already.

"I will vanquish every last dark soul in this room, but first, every bit of furniture must be destroyed."

FRUSTRATION:

There's a fine line between fun and frustrating in a game.  Developers can give a gamer the chance to choose how hard they want the experience, but even then, sometimes a game is made to be exceptionally hard or disruptive.  Is that a good thing?  Only if you have the time to sit down and replay a part in a game over and over again.  If you don't have the time, then you'll probably get up and go do something else or—*gulp*—switch to another game.  For instance, there are backdoors located throughout Transistor that lead to a beach type area where certain tests become available.  These various tests allow the player to gain experience points and level up.  But some of these tests—like the speed tests—have nothing to do with skill, and everything to do with luck.  Attempting these tests over and over again without prevail, tends to strip a game of its most important feature: fun.  And at the end of the day, it's the fun that'll keep people returning, not a frustrating challenge.

PRICE AND LENGTH:

Just a few weeks ago, Child of Light made its debut and for a decent price gave you at least twelve hours of pleasant, magical, fun.  Transistor landed in the market place for twenty bucks and gives you about seven hours of gameplay.  Cost and length must be factored into a purchase because most gamers cannot buy everything.  One must pick and choose their pixelated battles.  And when you have Child of Light cheaper, longer, and for some, less frustrating...sometimes the choice is simple.

"You stay right here, Mr. Chatterbox, so I can go freshen up."

"Hurry back you sexy minx."

CONCLUSION:

Transistor brings back the wonderful audio and voiceover talent that gamers remember from Bastion.  The art direction is gorgeous and the music is beyond exceptional.  But with slightly monotonous levels/enemies, an almost non-existent story, and no helpful knowledge in menus or gameplay, frustration can become a major factor throughout play.  With a price tag in the slightly high range for its length, you may be better off waiting until a price drop.  But if a hardcore-gaming-cyberpunk-machine world is your cup of tea, then Transistor will be your paradise.

3 out of 5 Stars (minus one star for confusing story and another star for frustrating combat mechanics)

Book Review - You Suck

Contrary to popular belief, You Suck is not a vintage porn starring Long Dong Silver.  It is, in fact, the next chapter in Christopher Moore’s tragic saga of C. Thomas Flood and his vampire love, Jody.

WARNING: if you haven't read the first novel in the C. Thomas Flood saga, Bloodsucking Fiends, P&P highly recommends you doing so, before venturing forth into this review.  First book spoilers ahead.

"They said we'd never shower again and would forever remain malodorous, but we'll 

show them.  We'll show them all."

BLOODSUCKING FIENDS RECAP:

Since P&P never reviewed Bloodsucking Fiends (stop looking at us that way and don't try to act like you've never been lazy).  Here's a bit of a recap in the action.  C. Thomas Flood, an aspiring writer from Indiana, heads to San Francisco to stake a claim in the literary world.  Shortly after arriving, his car is set aflame, his new bedroom is shared with five Chinese guys, his nights are spent managing a team of supermarket shelf stockers named the Animals, and his new girlfriend (an older, superhot redhead he met in the middle of the night named Jody) may be a vampire.  Okay, let's not sugar coat it.  She is a vampire and Tommy Flood ends up becoming her minion.  But is having sex with a vampire and doing her laundry something that Tommy always wanted?  First book spoilers are still ahead.  Read at your own risk.

YOU SUCK - STORY:

We pick up exactly where the first book left off: C. Thomas Flood being turned into a vampire by Jody, and Elijah (the centuries old vampire that turned Jody just for the fun of it) still stuck inside the bronze statue.  But can the happily-ever-after ending from the first book, really last?  In short…nope.  Sooner rather than later, Jody and Tommy realize they still need to leave town as promised, but there's the little problem of needing a minion to do their daylight bidding.  Blue painted hookers, gothic minions, bald cats, troubled teens, A Dirty Job's Charlie Asher, and the vampire Lord Flood ensues.

"Man, this is the last time I throw a party on a Tuesday."

THOUGHTS:

About the first eighty pages of the novel are just a bunch of ridiculous conversations between Jody and Tommy.  Basically, Tommy is being treated like a child by Jody, as he tries to come to terms with being a fresh undead stalker of the night.  Not that banter is a problem, but throughout most of the novel, you'll come to realize there's really not much going on.  There’s a lot of talking, pot smoking (the Animals, not Tommy since he is a vampire and all), sex, wandering around, and hiding from daylight in the most awkward places.  With the first novel (Bloodsucking Fiends) being scene after scene of vampire jokes and action chapters leading to the inevitable confrontation with Elijah, You Suck isn't left with much of a plot to utilize.  Therefore, Moore had to make things happen in each of the separate story lines.  For instance, the Animals take all their hard earned stolen money and blow it in Vegas on a Smurf hooker.  The cops, Cavuto and Rivera, have to make sure all vampires leave the city, and Jody and Tommy have to search for a minion.  But even with those story lines happening, there's still no over-arching plot in the novel.  It feels more like random stories from different people's journals that occasionally over-lap. 

With all that being said, the real reason anyone reads Moore is for the humor.  So is the book funny?  Ridiculously funny.  The random conversations in the beginning felt a little forced and out of character, but after the minion became part of the novel, the pace and humor increased tenfold.

"Mental checklist: Murder random family.  Help boy overcome puberty by 

killing his classmates.  Check amount of Followers on Twitter."

WHAT ABOUT A MINION?

If you've read A Dirty Job then you'll know of the character Abigail Von Normal, AKA Abby Normal.  (She is the sixteen year old friend of Lily, the cashier at Charlie Asher's secondhand store.)  Abby has finally found and fallen in love with her Dark Lord.  Except, her Dark Lord (the vampire Flood) isn't a few hundred years old and definitely doesn't know anything about being a vampire.  Abby's chapters throughout the book help the writing feel fresh, because each word is written as if she's telling the story in her diary.  The way she phrases conversations and events is absolutely hilarious.

Abby wants to be a vampire in the worst way and at one part in the story—because of a certain event—she thinks she's been turned and the "powers of the night" need some time to develop.  So Abby begins to act tough, but she's actually just a scared little girl that doesn't know crap about anything.  And that makes her chapters a complete delight.  The way she describes her Nosferatude, her love for Starbucks, and just her complete lack of caring, help carry the novel.  And thank goodness, because with nothing much to do, the Tommy and Jody story line, grows stale fast.

PACING:

Once the minion and the Animals story line start to intersect with Jody and Tommy, the novel begins to pick up and foolishness increases.  Action starts to actually take place and the lovely vampire couple find themselves falling deeper and deeper into trouble.  The next hurdle is the ending.  But don't expect a humongous climax to take place.  The ending just happens to fizzle out like a few days old Pepsi and you're left with a little more than indifference once the last page is turned.  It’s sad, considering Moore’s other works.

"I told you I have a problem eating spaghetti and meatballs.  You're taking these 

clothes to the cleaner.  You...not me!"

CONCLUSION:

This may not be Moore's best plotted tale, but his wacky writing is still woven deep within the novel.  If you enjoyed Bloodsucking Fiends and want to slightly deepen the story of Jody and Tommy, then feel at ease picking up this second volume.  If you found Bloodsucking Fiends to be lacking, then there's no need to venture any further into the saga.  But regardless of story trouble, the novel will still make you laugh if you have an appetite for over-the-top Moore humor.

3 out of 5 stars (minus a star for the ending and one for the pacing)

Game Review - Child of Light

Child of Light is a whimsical video game with beautiful backgrounds, sincere characters, and an elegant score. 

STORY:

Aurora is stuck in the dream-like magical kingdom of Lemuria.  The only way for her to return home to her sickly father is to vanquish the Queen of the Night and take back the stolen sun, moon, and stars.  Tiny princesses, courageous mice, dangerous creatures, and a rhyming firefly named Igniculus ensue.

"Will you please stop looking at me like I'm retarded...

I have no idea how this rhyming started...

I'm just here to fulfill a quest...

Now pack your crap and let's do our best."

THOUGHTS:

The first thing you'll notice about this short 10-12 hour RPG is its beauty.  Each backdrop and location mimics fantastical watercolor paintings that could be found in a child's fairy tale book.  Your character, Aurora, is wonderfully designed and just the act of moving her through each side-scrolling environment is worth the price of admission.  The music helps add drama or whimsy to the story, and the physics engine gives the characters a sense of weight.  (Every time Aurora takes off or lands or loses her crown, and especially when she swings her sword, you easily can feel each and every movement.)  In addition to the music and physics is the sound.  The big moments throughout your quest have their due, but it’s the subtle sounds that make playing special.  Pay close attention to when Aurora is running or landing, the sound of her footfalls add a sweet touch to the overall fairy tale theme.

"I told you not to take those downers...

We haven't got but 10 hours...

So pop a pill or maybe two...

Or I'll leave your drugged ass, sad and blue."

COMBAT & GAMEPLAY:

Most joystick fondlers won't have a problem with the game being a 2D side-scroller.  It's the battle system that'll make or break your love for Child of Light.  This isn't a hack and slash like Dragon's Crown.  The combat is turn-based, so you'll have to understand and appreciate JRPG games like Final Fantasy.  The good thing is the game doesn't fall into the trap of being overly complicated, but it does have enough weapon and character upgrading for hardcore fans to appreciate.  There's also no need to grind like in Final Fantasy and just a few simple puzzles keep the game interesting without being frustrating.

Once you spot an enemy on screen—hopefully you'll run or fly into them from behind to enable a surprise attack—you're then whisked away to the battle screen.  The battle screen roughly remains the same throughout the story, save for slightly different colors and backgrounds.  Your two party members along with the enemy (anywhere from one to three) are placed atop platforms and a turn-based striking system dictates who attacks first.  But the genius comes in the form of the time-bar at the bottom of the screen.  While in combat, a scrolling time bar will control who strikes next, giving each battle a sense of urgency and allowing the player to use everything in their arsenal to strategically cripple the opponent.  With spells that speed up the player or Igniculus slowing down the enemy and with the ability to interrupt enemy attacks, it becomes possible to win a battle without ever taking a scratch.  This necessity to think on your feet is what really deepens Child of Light's combat.  All the above may sound exhausting, but the game does a great job of slowly introducing you to each combat strategy, so you'll never feel overwhelmed.

"Listen, you fat upper class rat...

I'm trying merely to have a civilized chat...

Don't make me smack your face, unless you want to roll the dice...

Cause I'll shove my sword up your ass, not once, but probably twice."

If there is one place that you might find a little confusing, it'll be in the gem crafting department.  Throughout the game in hidden chests, you'll come across fragments and gems called oculi.  The game will take you to the crafting page and show you how to make your first gem out of the acquired fragments, but that's as far as it'll go.  There are dozens of combinations to learn and several different ways to use the oculi.  In game tutorials could have been a little more helpful, but it's nothing that can't be cured by perusing your favorite gaming site to read about what each oculi does and its secret combinations.

The object of the game is to reclaim the sun, moon, and the stars during three different boss fights.  These battles are significantly longer than most, but not much harder.  In fact the game will probably feel a little on the easy side, especially for the hard-core gamer.  The mature gamer will just enjoy the tale being told and the fun combat to be had.  There is one minor hiccup.  The last boss fight felt a little rushed.  You'll traverse whole levels, fighting many different creatures to locate two of the three bosses, but the last battle will sneak up on you when you're least expecting it.  It felt abrupt, as if the developers were out of time and just decided to end the story right there.

"Don't cry like a puss, you dirty old hag...

Your shriveled up face is starting to sag...

I'm just here for some frigging directions...

Now point the way before I add to your face, a few imperfections."

HOW THE STORY IS TOLD:

This by far could be the only problem you have with Child of Light.  If you're expecting this smaller game to have voice acting throughout, then you might be a tad disappointed.  The initial start of the game and a couple of the major story events have voice-over explaining the tale, but the majority of the game will be have to be read.  Every conversation, every character interaction, and every quest will be dictated through the written word.  If you don't like having to read in a game, then this might be your first turn-off.  The second turn-off could be the four line rhymes in which the story is presented.  It makes sense to tell the story as if you’re reading a child's fairy tale, but a lot of the dialogue seems forced into a rhyme, making the plot harder to decipher.  Think Shakespeare.  You know it's English, but you may have to read it a couple of times to figure out what the hell they're saying.  It's a shame, because stopping to understand what's going on will take you out of the immersion, making the nursery rhymes a bit of a distraction.  There's also the uncomplicated and very straightforward plot being told.  Twists are nonexistent and there's nothing you haven't seen or heard before, but luckily the fun combat and gameplay make up for the lack of original story.

REPLAY VALUE:

Except for a few side quests that could easily be obtained and beaten during your initial play-through, there are only the hidden confession letters that may make you replay (or at least travel back to) certain parts of the world in search of finding them all.  There is a game plus mode, allowing you to keep your upgrades and gems, and then replay the story with harder enemies, but without trophies or achievements, most gamers will probably decline another play-through.

 

"I'm wasting my time, looking for water...

Why doesn't the old man have his own frigging daughter?

Now I'm lost, is it up or is it down...

To hell with this quest, I'm better off drowned."

CONCLUSION:

Child of Light is a fantastic casual RPG that shows even small games can be just as—if not more—entertaining than their AAA brothers.  With a pleasant fairy tale theme, gorgeous art, a simplistic yet deep upgrading system, and only a 10 to 12 hour play-through, there are many reasons for a gamer to enjoy Child of Light.  If you don't like having to read through nursery rhymes or fight enemies using a turn-based battle system, then you might want to pass.  For all other gamers, Child of Light should definitely be on your "to play" list.

4 out of 5 Stars (minus a star for cliché rhyming story)

DVD Movie Review - Her

Her takes us on a journey into the future, where grown men play video games, go to work every day, and spend time masturbating in front of their computers.  Doesn't sound too far-fetched, now does it?

STORY:

Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix) spends his days writing other people's love letters, while his own love life is currently falling apart.  His once happy marriage is going down the toilet and signing the divorce papers is all that's left.  But he keeps putting it off.  Theodore doesn't want to let go.  Well, that's until he meets Samantha (voiced by Scarlett Johansson) the new astounding OS system.  After a few conversations with her and a couple a dates (yes, he actually goes on dates with his PC) Theodore decides it may be time to ask the OS to be his girlfriend.  But is love between man and machine doomed from the start?  Fully nude pregnant ladies, artificially intelligent operating systems, vulgar video game characters, cyber orgasms, and a fully mature man crying, whining, and pouting ensues.

"C'mon Lefty, you're better than this.  Samantha's talking all sexy like.  It's time and 

you're performing like five limp noodles.  Don't make me go back to Righty."

THOUGHTS:

Feelings toward this film can go two ways.  Some will view this as a profound love story, delving deep into the question: what is real love?  And others will view this as the creepiest two hours of film they've ever watched.  It really depends on how you feel about technology and watching a grown man choking the chicken to his PC.  If that sounds absurd, then you'll probably fall into the creepy category.  Welcome to the wonderful, yet disturbing world of Her.

Joaquin Phoenix carves into his face one of the best "Chester" mustaches in cinema history, and you better love it, because you're going to see it up close throughout the entire movie.  He spends most of the time talking out loud to absolutely no one and prancing around like he's part of some whimsical fairy tale.  His pants are worn magnificently high, causing his torso to stop just below his armpits.  And if he'd only pulled them up a little higher, he could have fastened the belt around his neck and wore the suspenders over his ears.  You'll come to realize that Phoenix is perfect for this role, whether it's because he has experience with chronic computer masturbation or he's just high on drugs the entire time…either way, well done in the casting department.

"OMG! OMG! OMG!  Everyone, listen.  It's finally happening.  Samantha OS is having a baby."

Rooney Mara plays Catherine, Theodore's soon to be ex-wife.  Most of the time she's on camera in a series of soundless montages with sad music that's trying to break your heart.  Scarlett Johansson spends her time in voice over, and though she does a great job sounding out emotions, you might wonder why they didn't hire a woman with a beautiful British accent.  Everyone knows that when you create a female PC that can orgasm, it does so with a British accent.  Amy Adams plays Theodore's geeky friend named Amy (no kidding).  Most scenes involve her complaining and looking like she just gave herself a haircut with a Flowbee.  Chris Pratt appears for a few minutes to show off his equally high pants, while Kristen Wiig has phone sex involving a dead cat.  Oh, and Olivia Wilde shows up to express exactly how every viewer sees Theodore in one line: "You're a really creepy dude." 

"You've been working that hair over with the vacuum cleaner again, haven't you?"

THE CREEPY FACTOR:

The best thing to do is act like this film is one of the best comedies of the year, because if you're not laughing, you'll be cringing.  If you look at how ridiculous this movie really is, it'll keep you in stitches for the whole two hours.  Aside from the creepy masturbation scenes with triumphant music—as if something profound was happening—there are some hilarious moments.  Think about it.  The dude is dating his PC.  What the hell is funnier than that?  Okay, maybe a Tyrannosaurus Rex attempting to comb his hair, but not by much.  This film is about a guy that runs around carnivals, spinning and dancing like Julie Andrews from the Sound of Music with a little camera in his pocket (Psst...the camera is Samantha supposedly sharing in the moment).  That's it.  That's the movie right there.  Now you might ask, "What would have made it even better?"  Easy...if at the end you found out Theodore is just really bat-crap crazy—think Fight Club—and the whole time Samantha was just in his head.  Now that would have been an awesome twist.  Except, it doesn't happen, and you're still stuck with a giggling fool talking to a palm pilot.

"Oh my God, I finally get it.  He doesn't need car keys, because...he's frigging Godzilla."

THINGS TO PONDER WHILE VIEWING:

If Samantha OS downloads a virus, does Scarlett Johansson's voice get all nasally?  If you’re dating a PC for about three years and the motherboard fries after a heavy cyber orgasm, does this mean you have to start the whole relationship over?  Is it even possible to hide all your downloaded porn from your PC girlfriend?  What if you're in the dog house, does that mean she won't let you access your emails or favorite social site?  What if you just want to come home and play video games, but now your OS girlfriend controls the radio, microwave, thermostat, iPad, gaming console, door locks—holy crap, she's probably even in charge of the remote.

"Listen you f--king idiot.  You keep going the same f--king way and I'm f--king tired of it.  Now, strap on

some f--king balls and follow the f--king left path.  Got it, f--ktard?"

>>MOVIE SPOILERS AHEAD:

(Skip to conclusion if you haven't seen the movie.  Or don't…if you really don't care.)

Not only is Theodore dating a PC funny, but there are several scenes that will make your stomach ache from laughter.  The double date scene on the beach with Chris Pratt and his real girlfriend is something to behold.  The three are lying on a blanket and Samantha OS wants to see Pratt's girlfriend's feet, so she holds the little palm pilot up to her toes and laughs.  And then everyone laughs.  Ha ha ha...hmmm.  Good stuff.  And how about the creepy-funny scene where Theodore and Samantha are actually having a fight and he's getting upset with his PC.  Or better yet, the time where Samantha OS goes offline and he falls all over the sidewalk running through a crowd in a panic.  Hilarious stuff.  If you think about it, this film is just asking someone to write a spoof.

>>END OF SPOILERS<<

"Hey!  Yo!  Rainman, you paying attention?"

"Huh?"

CONCLUSION:

Her happens to not be as profound as you think.  It's just a movie about a lonely guy that spanks it to an electronic voice and then somewhere along the line might learn a lesson.  And with about an extra hour of unnecessary close-ups and crying and whining and flustered emotions over a PC, this movie will have you scratching your head, wondering what all the fuss is about.  There are some truly great moments, like the vulgar video game character or Theodore's developing relationship with Amy or his ex-wife, but in the end, those moments seem jarring when trying to mix with the mushy PC relationship shenanigans.  Her is a great idea, but one that should have traveled down the comedy road, instead of trying to find the meaning of life.  If you feel like laughing at ridiculousness for a couple of hours, then feel free to rent the film.  For everyone else, go out and spend some time chuckling with your family and friends.

2.5 out of 5 Stars (add 2 ½ stars for idea, ridiculousness, and vulgar video game character)

DVD Movie Review - The Art of the Steal

With a main character named Crunch Calhoun and a cast filled mainly with B-actors, your first instinct may be to overlook The Art of the Steal.  But if you give it ninety minutes of your time, this heist movie might actually surprise you.

"Hey, what's the matter?  Haven't seen a couple of grown men playing with each other before?"

STORY:

Crunch Calhoun (Kurt Russell) wants to plan one last art heist and then call it quits.  And in the middle of the perfect plan, something happens and Crunch finds himself in the elegant prison system of Poland.  Fast forward seven years (five and a half with good behavior) and Crunch is out and ready to put his criminal life behind him.  In the middle of building a new career as a dare devil—famous for breaking bones and almost dying repeatedly—his old career comes back to haunt him in the form of his brother, Nicky Calhoun (Matt Dillon).  Roy Orbison's "In Dreams," pirates, magic pens, giant vaginas (yes, you read that right), and brotherly love ensue.

"You know, they call these things books.  One day, if I have the time, I'd like to open it 

up and look at the pictures."

THOUGHTS:

After reading the movie's caption and realizing another heist movie is not what the world needs, stop…take a breath, and then ask these questions: "Do I like humor?  Do I like somewhat silly humor?  Did I like The Usual Suspects?  Did I like Ocean's Eleven?"  If you answered yes to one or all of those questions, then you'll love The Art of the Steal.  It's one of those heist movies that's constantly moving, constantly making you laugh, and constantly using witty dialogue to hammer home plot points. 

Kurt Russell may look like his better days are far behind him, but he's just as goofy in this film as he was in Big Trouble in Little China, Escape from New York, or Captain Ron.  He still knows how to be the comedic leader with funny one-liners and outrageous facial expressions.  Fortunately, the movie's laughs aren't just from Russell.  The rest of the characters lend a hand in the joke department too.

Matt Dillon doesn't garner too many laughs, but he's perfect as the dick brother that pickpockets nine year olds for fun.  Jay Baruchel plays Francie, Crunch's sidekick that doesn't want to be prison raped.  He's basically playing himself like he does in every other movie, but his timid manners and squeaky voice never get old.  Kenneth Welsh nails old-school Irish as Uncle Paddy, the man with simplistic logic and a geriatric seductiveness that women can't seem to deny.  Jason Jones spends his time as a short-tempered Interpol agent alongside his calm, sarcastic partner, Terence Stamp (The duo spews some of the best quips in the film).  Devon Bostick pops in for a short cameo decorated with candy jokes, and Katheryn Winnick slides slightly over the line of "just another pretty face."

"Alright!  Alright!  I'll never leave the toilet seat up again.  I promise."

Like other heist movies before it, The Art of the Steal, moves at a brisk pace.  Schemes and plans are hastily thrown together and the assembled men are always moving in different directions with different agendas.  But you won't see high tech gadgets or bombs or people clad in black scaling down tall buildings and then making an entrance through an air duct.  This is old-school thievery, where sleight of hand and a master forger is all you need.  The main theft may be hard to grasp at times, but you'll never feel overwhelmed or confused.  Just follow along as Crunch falls deeper and deeper into a pit of lies and enjoy the many twists.  But the real magic of the movie isn't the reveal at the end (even though it's a doozy) it's the movie's ability to keep every escalating problem and sound-proof idea riddled with humor.  You'll be sweating one minute, wondering if they'll get caught, and the next minute you'll be watching two men discuss the proper pantyhose to wear during a robbery.  It's the perfect balance of smart and hilarious.  In fact, this being a "heist" movie may be the only problem some movie-goers have with the film, since the genre has been beaten to death for decades. 

With all the goofy antics and witty dialogue, the ending is probably predictable, right?  Wrong.  Not only will your mind be wrapped up in every little detail as the team attempts to steal a priceless book, but the ending will have so many twists and turns that you'd have to be Nostradamus to predict the finale.  And even then your prediction would only be in some vague mixed-language quatrain.

So the plot is over the top?  Of course.  Any movie involving fake Amish beards, the gospel according to Jimmy and a three foot tall vagina is not taking itself too seriously.  So this story couldn't happen in real life?  Well, let's not go that far, because art thieves and master forgers still exist in this day and age.  Okay, but what about the giant vagina?  Get your mind out of the gutter.  This movie is filled with hilarious writing and all you can think about is a giant vagina.  In your defense, it is one of the funnier moments of the movie.

"I don't know...I grabbed the color I thought would compliment my complexion, but I'm still 

a little hesitant.  What do you think?"

CONCLUSION:

If you enjoy the "Aha" moment at the end of a film, or just appreciate a band of misfits trying to pull off the perfect crime, then The Art of the Steal is right up your alley.  With witty dialogue and an onslaught of laughs straight through until the end, there's nothing this film needs to improve.  Now, if you hate heist movies or comedies (that's a shame), then don't come within fifty feet of this film.  For everyone else, The Art of the Steal is well worth the rental price and may even become a permanent installment in some movie-goer collections.

4 out of 5 Stars (minus 1 star for the cliché heist genre)