P&P's 2014 Year in Review

Sometimes fondling a video game or zoning out to a great movie is the only way to quell the thoughts of how insipid life can be.  And with another year down the drain, it's easy to forget just what fantastic and/or terrible entertainment you suffered through.  But not to worry my friends, P&P is here to rummage through 2014's landfill.

In this shot, a little known actor, sums up the feeling towards 2014 perfectly.

(Idiot making face. Circa 2014)

MOVIES:

No year is complete if trash didn't make its way to the theater.  Whether movies flunked Plot Writing 101 or the acting just plain sucked, the turds of 2014 all fall in the same category: toxic waste.  The biggest failure this year was The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Michael Bay and Company showed the world exactly what not to do with any beloved 80’s franchise.  Not only did the movie cast one of Hollywood’s greatest actresses (Megan Fox), it also took beloved character designs and flushed them down the toilet.  Way to go Bay, hopefully the next TMNT movie (yes they’re making another) is just as good as the first.  But Bay wasn’t satisfied with just one turd, he also brought Transformers: Age of Extinction to theaters, only to have Mark Walhberg ridiculed because he happened to find Optimus Prime lying in a trash dump.

Now, not all box-office blunders were led by Bay and his script-inept friends.  No, other movies committed plot suicide too.  Surprisingly, leading the way was The Amazing Spiderman 2.  How could a movie starring the famed Spiderman do so poorly?  By injecting the plot with a crap-ton of villains and not having an ending.  Usually one or the other is sufficient enough to create garbage, but The Amazing Spiderman 2 took full advantage of both.  Well done Sony.  And speaking of Sony, The Interview will go down in history as the smoking hot infamous turd.  After cancelling and then releasing to only VOD’s, people around the world expected this film to be insightful, intelligent, and a giant kick-in-the-balls to North Korea.  Instead, viewers were treated to another bland so-called comedy starring Seth Rogen as…Seth Rogen.

In this shot, we're are shown what happens when a beloved franchise goes awry. 

(Terrible idea. Circa 2014)

There were other movies that came and went just like a hot silent fart.  Sex Tape graced theaters for a moment before disappearing into obscurity.  A Million Ways to Die in the West saw Seth MacFarlane jumping from the Family Guy to big-budget blockbuster.  The only problem was Seth used too many jokes from the cartoon and the most humorous dialogue seemed to never, ever end.  Dumb and Dumber To, a comedy that returned 20 years too late, arrived in theaters and no one gave a sh*t.  A movie starring Aaron Eckhart called I, Frankenstein snuck its way into cinemas to play for about three people.  And those same three people are still wondering what Eskrima is and why the movie had Frankenstein in the title.  Sin City 2 happened and no one cared, while another Adam Sandler film (Blended) was created that people hated. And finally, a sucky animated film called The Nut Job occurred and another story of Dracula was retold in Dracula Untold.  There were plenty more piles of crap this year, but who’s got that kind of time?

The upside to all the trash is the jewels that found their way into movie-goer’s hearts.  This year has been monumental for Chris Pratt.  Not only did he defy movie physics once, but the man did it twice.  First up was his hour and a half toy commercial called The Lego Movie.  Pratt voiced an ordinary construction worker Lego man that brought tears to many eyes from laughter.  Shooting even farther into stardom, Pratt also starred as Peter Quill in Marvel’s The Guardians of the Galaxy.  This film shocked the box office, not only with numbers, but also with fantastic music, hilarious dialogue, and a great story based on little to unknown Marvel characters.  Well done, Mr. Pratt. 

In this shot, we see an actor whose ass has been set aflame from tremendous acting skills. 

(What awesomeness looks like. Circa 2014)

Again, Jake Gyllenhaal dove into a smaller production called Nightcrawler (a movie that still has people thinking it’s part of the X-men franchise) and knocked the role out of the park.  Captain America, Chris Evans, shocked audiences everywhere playing the title role in a Sci-Fi film called Snowpiercer, where his charismatic acting was only out-done by the movie’s fantastically designed speeding train.  The X-men franchise returned with a refreshing story in Days of Future Past, and Andy Serkis rocked the world with his acting in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.  Animated films remained awesome with both How to Train Your Dragon 2 and Big Hero 6.  But the biggest news of 2014 is the comeback of the real Batman, Michael Keaton as Riggan Thomson in Birdman.

In this shot, we see what Batman does on Sundays when the Joker takes off.  

(Batman reading paper. Circa 2014)

VIDEO GAMES:

Shh…let’s not mention the mediocre year videogames had.  Wait…what?  This is P&P, of course we’re going to mention how messed up and ridiculous the videogame market was this past year.  2014 will be known as the year of re-masters, let-downs, and broke titles. 

Let’s jump right into the crap with Ubisoft’s crown jewel Assassin’s Creed Unity.  Only Ubisoft can release a broken game to the masses and then say, “We didn’t know it was so sh*tty until we released it.”  Luckily, for gamers, if you happened to buy this steaming pile of filth, you’ll be rewarded with free DLC.  For those that bought the season pass (which hopefully people will never do again from Ubisoft) you get a free game—as long as you agree not to sue Ubisoft.  Thanks Ubisoft.  You’re awesome.  Also damaged right out of the gate was—gasp—Halo: The Master Chief Collection.  Say it isn’t so!  Sorry Microsoft fanboys.  Your game was crap.  But just like Ubisoft, 343 will be offering a free game: ODST.  Not to be outdone, Sony released—wait, scratch that—Sony didn’t release the free PS version of DriveClub because it doesn’t work at all.  Not even slightly playable.  Hmm…and there’s people that bought the full sixty dollar version too.  The only difference is Sony offered up just a “sorry” instead of a free game.  Oops.

This shot shows the ramifications of missing a zero during development.

(Broken game / hilarious glitch. Circa 2014) 

2014 was supposed to be the year of next-gen gaming.  These games were going to blow our minds.  Knock our socks off.  And even make Gamers everywhere drop their pants and start to fap right there in the gaming aisle.  Instead Gamers were left frustrated, aggravated, and stunned because of all the giant let-downs that flooded the market.  The biggest piece of crap-hype was Destiny, Bungie and Activision's half a billion dollar cash grab.  Of course, there are millions of players from around the world that still defend the title, screaming about Destiny’s awesome story and fantastic luck driven level-up system.  But no matter how you shake it, the game did not live up to the hype built around it.  Sorry.  Deal with it.  Pretty good shooting mechanics though.  But before Destiny traumatized the gaming world with a story about nothing, another game released much earlier also with a confusing/boring story.  Watch Dogs: only game you could essentially catch an NPC spanking it to virtual porn.  Yes, Watch Dogs’ gameplay was tickled early on with unbelievable graphics and smoke effects.  But what released was less impressive than the last generation GTA 5.  Most Gamers still played Watch Dogs, but the title was soon forgotten when Destiny’s mess hit headlines.  Also upsetting after release, were the mediocre scores given to Alien: Isolation for its very long and winded retreading of the same areas, and Infamous: Second Son for not delivering a compelling main character or story.  On the bottom of the list was Murdered: Soul Suspect, a detective adventure that had a promising premise (a soul attempting to solve its own murder), but sadly, the game ended up being nothing more than a middle-of-the-road slopper.  Also disturbing was the amount of re-masters that hit the shelves this year.  Some of gaming’s highlights were GTA 5, TheLast of Us, both Metro games, and of course…The Halo collection.

In this shot, we see what happens to Gamers when they ask about missing effects in game releases.

(Developer beating Gamer. Circa 2014)

But relax fellow joystick fondler.  2014 was also a year of surprises.  Games that people didn’t know would be great, turned out fantastic and new franchises that no one played, happened to be awesome.  Leading the charge of sequel awesomeness and game of the year awards was Dragon Age: Inquisition.  The Bioware title promised a huge map, long dialogue trees, an expansive story, and so much to do that you’ll have to quit your job and live off your parents…at least for a few months.  Did people actually beat this game?  Silly gamer.  A Bioware game cannot be beaten.  It can only be played.  Another sequel, Far Cry 4, shocked gamers by one: actually working (it’s a Ubisoft title) and two: being extremely fun and addictive.  But the crown for most sequels ever goes to Nintendo for its eighth iteration of Mario Kart, which made fake girl-gamers everywhere, that much more sexy by playing it.  Nintendo also released Bayonetta 2, making 12 year old boys cream in their pants, and Super Smash Bros. (short for brothers, please stop saying Bros) for Wii U, which continues to be a fun multiplayer mess for beer parties.

In this shot, we see what happens when an actor has done all there is in Hollywood.

(Alarming Realism. Circa 2014) 

Surprises!  Surprises everywhere!  Skeptic people were flabbergasted by how much fun Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’s campaign and multiplayer was.  Does it have something to do with the voice talent Troy Baker or Kevin Spacey?  Eh…whatever.  Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor became the AC game everyone was looking for.  With its nemesis system, awesome stealth, and the ability to blow up heads while sword fighting, Shadow of Mordor worked its way quickly into gamer hearts.  If only it wasn’t set in Lord of the Rings mythology more people would’ve played it.  South Park: The Stick of Truth proved a cartoon can become a gaming legend (as long as the show’s creators are heavily involved in the making), and Sunset Overdrive, a new idea/franchise from Insomniac Games was a crazy/whimsical/amazing game that almost no one played.  But the highlight of 2014, were the smaller games.  There are plenty that quelled the woes of humdrum AAA titles, but two became giants: Shovel Knight, which brought back the feeling of 1980 greatness and Child of Light, a smaller title from—cough—Ubisoft that surprised everyone with its new RPG fighting system and unbelievable art direction.

This shot shows us what happens when you produce great animations, but forget to make the game work.

(Muddled Priorities. Circa 2014)

THE FUTURE:

You may be the type of person who has watched every movie on the list above and still desires more.  If that's the case, 2015 is on its way. Films like The Avengers: Age of Ultron, Jurassic World, Terminator: Genisys (you’re kidding, right?  Nope), The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 (if only they could make ten more of these movies…if only), The Hateful 8, SPECTRE, Furious 7, the soccer mom porno: Fifty Shades of Grey, and the humongous Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (let the fapping begin).

If games are your thing, here's a few to stimulate your naughty bits: Final Fantasy 85 or 15 or 19 returns or whatever, Uncharted 4, The Order: 1886, The Witcher 3, Bloodborne, No Man’s Sky, Rainbow Six: Siege, Batman: Arkham Knight, Scalebound, Crackdown, Quantum Break, Dying Light, Rise of the Tomb Raider, Star Wars: Battlefront, Halo 5, The Division, Legend of Zelda-Wii U, Metal Gear Solid V, and Mortal Kombat X.

Now…P&P knows how much fun it is to dream about and even crave the future, but never forget to always make the best of today.  See you next year.  Happy New Year from Prose and Postulations!

AC Unity vs. Rogue

In 2014 Ubisoft pulled off the unthinkable.  Instead of releasing one Assassin's Creed game as they normally do, they released two: Assassin's Creed: Unity for PC and current generation consoles, and Assassin's Creed: Rogue for last generation consoles.  Why?  Well, they didn't want to upset part of the gaming world by only releasing Unity.  Ubisoft wanted to appease the last generation owners by creating a totally separate game/story.  And having the choice of two games is awesome, but what if you only have money or time for one?  Which game do you buy?  Which pixelated adventure do you ignore your family to play?  Well, it all comes down to your taste in story, graphics, and gameplay. 

GLITCHES AND FRAME RATES:

From the beginning Unity had frame rate issues, missing faces, people folding on the ground like laundry, and the occasional skywalk, but if you held out this long, you'll be pleasantly surprised to know most of that has been taken care of—at least on consoles.  It's sorry to say, but you'll get a better gaming experience on Xbox or Playstation as the PC version still has some issues.  Rogue also has a patch as soon as you boot it up, but the game is running on the old AC engine and most of the kinks and problems have already been worked out in the past.  So if you're looking for the more stable of the two games, then Rogue is your answer. 

"Man, I've gotta stop these long nights.  Elise will be pissed if she finds out I picked up 

another venereal disease...AND lost my assassin robe."

GAMEPLAY:

Gamers everywhere love it when you're about three feet from stabbing your target in the eye and instead, your assassin decides to take a header off the current building and shatter every bone in his body as he de-syncs.  Those are always the funniest, most aggravating experiences when playing through an AC game.  And you'll be happy to know they still exist in both 2014 games.  You'll have better luck as Shay (from Rogue) though, as he can take extreme falls with a roll.  Arno (from Unity) on the other hand will die from about two stories up if you choose not to upgrade his rolling technique. 

Now, when you sit down to play an AC game are you excited about being a pirate or an assassin?  Would you rather drink and be merry, while firing cannon balls at the enemy in Rogue?  Or would you rather sneak behind furniture and stab people in the kidney in Unity?  On top of that, Unity has you trapped on one huge land mass (Paris), creeping behind bushes and methodically planning your next assassination, while Rogue has you traveling between smaller land masses, taking over gang headquarters, and fighting killer whales.  If you want slower, stealthier gameplay with the ability to crouch anywhere, then you want Unity.  If you're looking to fire grenades, have numerous chase missions and put endless sea battles under your belt, then Rogue is your cup of tea.  And sorry gamer, you can't have both (unless you buy both).

"No need to worry madame, a person's right leg almost always sticks straight up after they've 

been stabbed."

ASSASSIN OPTIONS:

Of course both assassin games give you the ability to climb towers (Shay a little faster than Arno), kill with hidden blades, make your enemies go berserk, smoke bomb for the win, and air assassinate with ease.  But it seems Shay (Rogue) has an edge on toys just by going through the main storyline.  He gets grenades that put his enemies to sleep, make them go berserk, or completely blow them up.  He can also use rope darts to hang enemies from a tree, has the ability to kill from haystacks or carts (missing from Unity), and can also move dead bodies (also missing from Unity).  Arno on the other hand, comes complete with just your basic assassin gear, plus poison gas and stun grenades, but almost all of his skills must be earned through assassin points.  So if you don't complete a ton of side quests, along with the main quest to gain assassin points, your Arno will be lacking in quite a few departments.  But it's okay, because Arno sure does look good going all parkour up and down a building.  Speaking of looking good…

"Holy crap, what is wrong with some of these people's faces?  And where the hell are all 

the children?  Is no one making whoopee anymore?"

GRAPHICS:

If you’re looking for an almost complete layout of 1700's Paris with building exteriors and interiors that are rendered gorgeously, then Unity is your game.  It seems the developers left out cats this time around, and there are no children anywhere, but crowds have grown immense.  Sure, you'll get the occasional NPC floating in the air or driving an imaginary go-cart, but that's what happens when you add so many moving NPC's to a game.  There are also some of the blandest and ugly faces roaming the crowd, but the quest-giving NPC's are fairly normal looking and almost have their lips synced with the audio.  As for Rogue...time has not been kind to poor Shay.  Sadly, the game doesn't have graphics like last-generation GTA 5 or The Last of Us.  The shadows don't work.  The light bouncing off of faces (including Shay's) makes skin color look blown-out and Shay's animations are stiffer than Robocop.  But he can steer a ship like nobody's business, while Arno can barely swim.

MULTIPLAYER:

This one is easy.  If you want the ability to run round with three friends in an attempt at stealth, then Unity has you covered.  Rogue has…well…no multiplayer whatsoever.  It's a solo adventure for a lonely pirate.  But don't feel like you’re missing out on too much when playing Rogue, because the ability to run around with friends only works when online is working.  And Ubisoft isn't the most reliable developer when it comes to online anything.

"Is there...something on my face?"

CONCLUSION:

So the choice is yours, fellow gamer.  Is it a last-generation-graphics pirate's life for you, complete with many, many (too frigging many) chase missions, and tons of sea battles and ship upgrading that's required to move the story forward?  Or would you rather be content with taking it slow and sneaking in and out of buildings to stalk your prey inside a pretty Paris with a giant glitchy NPC crowd?  Maybe you'll choose both?  If you do, there's a story link between the games, which is an added Easter Egg for the faithful Assassin's Creed fans.  Either way, any and all AC lovers will be pleased with either of the two games.  Just don't forget to download all those patches or you're probably going to have a bad time.

DVD Movie Review - 2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

A nine year old will run out of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, exclaiming, "That was awesome."  While on the other hand, an adult that grew up on the turtles will nod their head, but privately think, "What the hell happened?"

STORY:

April O'Neil (Megan Fox) works at a news station and has never been given the opportunity to report "real" stories.  She wants nothing more than to uncover the truth behind the mysterious Foot Clan that wreaks havoc on New York City.  On one dark and stormy night in a container yard she happens upon the Foot Clan doing secretive things, but before she can step in, shadowy figures come out of the dark and open a can of whoop-ass on the Foot.  Who are these mysterious heroes of the night?  Could it be Gotham's protector, the Batman and his friends from the Justice League?  No.  Maybe it's the Punisher seeking revenge on those that harmed his family?  Not even close.  Instead, April stumbles upon a most awesome sight.  A washed-down version of eighties greatness: 2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Can she figure out who these vigilantes are before the Foot destroys New York?  Corny dialogue, a choppy plot, one Kung-Fu rat, and four of the bulkiest ninja turtles ensue.

"You keep saying that...but I can read.  I'm up to four letter words and my tutor says five 

letters just adds another letter."

THOUGHTS:

The box office has proven that all people want today is action, explosions, action, fart humor, explosions, and a tad bit of action with a side of explosions.  Well…behold, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Michael Bay productions didn't get enough flak from ruining the Transformers lore, so they decided to kill the TMNT too.  But it's not just the explosions or the non-ninja way the turtles fight, or even the cartoon version of Shredder and his Power Ranger moves…it's also the writing, the acting, the dialogue, and the plot that makes this film absolutely worthless.  Yes, of course, the explosions are cool and the truck action sequence is neat, but that doesn't mean you have a movie or story worth investing any precious time in.  It just means you have an idea.  And sometimes ideas are best left in a dusty old drawer with the rest of the nonsense that spews out of your head. 

"OMG.  These guys are like giant turtles and you're like a giant hamster.  That's cool.  I like 

your robe."

THE PLOT OR LACK THEREOF:

It feels like the writers wanted to take the TMNT franchise seriously, and make a Batman Begins-esque film, but the problem is not everyone is named Christopher Nolan.  And so while watching this film it's hard to figure out who the protagonist is throughout the story.  Is this a story about April and her pet turtles?  Or is this a story about a rat raising four turtles?  Is this a story about vigilantes trying to make a difference?  Or maybe it's a story about immature teenagers that can't seem to work together to accomplish anything.  Actually, it's none of the above, because the writers had no idea where to take this film and who to focus on.  We jump from one random person to the next without truly understanding anyone, including the turtles.  Now you may be thinking, "Yeah…but it's just a TMNT movie.  It's not supposed to be deep."  And you'd be right, but couldn't we at least get some form of a plot?

"Do me a favor, I've seen the movie's ending.  Just hang me up in a closet now, so I can avoid 

the embarrassment."

SPOILERS AHEAD.  USE CAUTION. (Or don't.  It doesn't really matter.)

About half way through the movie we meet the semi-bad guy, Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), whose entire reason for being is because he wants to get filthy rich.  Yet, he lives in the X-Men mansion in the middle of nowhere and seems to be the richest man in New York.  Oops.  But now you're asking just how does he plan on making even more money?  Well, his teacher, the Shredder, wants to make everyone sick in New York and then Mr. Sacks will come to the rescue, by creating the one drug that will save everyone.  The only problem is that story line was much better in Batman Begins, when the Scarecrow wanted to do it because he's psychotic and the League of Shadows just wanted to kill everyone.  But the best part is the drug that will make everyone sick cannot be manufactured without sucking the life out of the Turtles.  So now we finally know how they fit into the story (sort of).  Was it mentioned that April's father experimented on the turtles and they were April's pets?  No?  Well that's because that particular storyline was much easier to swallow in the rebooted Amazing Spider-Man, when Peter Parker's father just so happens to be the person behind the magic spiders.  It's almost as if the writers taped random movie plots on a wall and then threw darts to see which idea they'd be using.

END OF SPOILERS.

"Umm...April?"

"Yeah."

"I don't mean to interrupt, but it's "Crime Scene" not "Slene." 

THE ACTING:

It's about as good as Megan Fox's talent.  No more.  No less.  If you thought that this movie would bring her stardom to the highest peaks or slap an Oscar in her hands, then you might be a little off.  She's about as emotional as two by four with makeup.  The only actor with some talent is Will Arnett (April's cameraman, Vernon Fenwick).  Even though his scenes with the turtles can be cringe-worthy, there are a few moments that he might actually make you laugh.  William Fichtner tries his best with the script he's been handed and Tony Shalhoub amounts to about the same while voicing Splinter.  If you haven't realized it yet, the turtles haven't even been mentioned.  That's because their subplot and voice acting is forgettable.  There's not one of them that's makes an impact in the movie.  Not even Mikey, who's usually the life of the party.  He does fart though, so that's…something. 

How does one make a fight scene more dynamic?  By turning the camera until crooked.  That's 

how.  Duh.

CONCLUSION:

Michael Bay and his friends take the TMNT lore and put it through a meat grinder for the masses.  Tired actors, a thrown-together script, fart jokes, and even horrific character designs are only a few pieces that make up the awesomeness that is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  With crooked cinematography and Ninjutsu that seems to be swept under the rug, you might be better off catching a Power Rangers episode.  Now, if you love looking at Megan Fox and watching things explode in super slow motion, then you'll love 2014's TMNT.  For everyone else, there are numerous better things you could be doing with your time…like sleeping.

1 out of 5 Stars (Add one star for having the name TMNT)

DVD Movie Review - Guardians of the Galaxy

Marvel pulls little-known characters out of their dusty basement, brushes them off, and creates another compelling franchise called the Guardians of the Galaxy.

STORY:

Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) is taken from earth at a young age and is raised as a thief by a band of mercenaries.  His latest mission is to obtain a mysterious orb and sell it to the highest bidder.  But trouble always finds Quill no matter where he goes and just a short while after, he's incarcerated and forced to make friends with other inmates attempting to break free.  Little to his knowledge and certainly against his ideals, Peter is accidentally wrapped up in a plot to stop an evil force that may destroy the galaxy.  Will his friendship with a ragtag bunch of misfits help or hurt his future?  Hilarious dialogue, silly dancing, terrible singing, walking trees, vulgar raccoons, and an astounding set list of music ensues.

"Just because I'm a raccoon doesn't mean I haven't played beer pong before.  I have many 

talents, including assembling guns, wiring explosives, and breaking into trash cans."

THOUGHTS:

After watching Guardians of the Galaxy you may think the best thing about the movie is the fantastic acting from the cast.  Nope.  You may think the witty dialogue or quick one-liners are the movie's bread and butter.  Not exactly.  You may even think the premise (a collection of the galaxy's criminals banding together to stop evil) is the perfect movie plot.  But that's not the answer either.  In fact, all the above does make for one hell of a comic book movie, but the simple answer is the music.  There's a reason why the soundtrack is a best seller.  From Blue Swede's "Hooked on a Feeling" to Norman Greenbaum's "Spirit in the Sky," the music is the glue that holds all these exceptional pieces together.

Granted, Marvel is in the title too, and nowadays anything with that label gains massive box office moola.  But with little known to practically unknown characters from Marvel's library, this movie could have gone south fast.  This could have been the one time Marvel struck out.  Instead this film delivers a fantastic story with characters that will easily become crowd favorites.  But that's not all the film has to offer.  Marvel had to find an actor for the main protagonist that would be able to carry the movie on his shoulders.  He'd have to be somewhat heroic, quick lipped, intelligent, and most of all: funny.  And Chris Pratt couldn't have been a better choice.

"Hurry up with that toothpaste, this zit isn't getting any smaller."

THE ACTING:

Pratt doesn't only carry the film on his back or fill Peter Quill's shoes perfectly…he is Peter Quill.  After seeing the film numerous times, you'll realize there's not one person in Hollywood that could have pulled this role off any better.  His facial expressions are hilarious.  His reactions to the environment are ridiculous.  And his dialogue delivery—whether partially ad-libbed or straight from the script—is superb.  The only way this film could have survived was with a humorous undertone and having Pratt lead the way is nothing short of casting perfection.

So what about the others in the team?  Zoe Saldana plays Gamora, a revenge seeking heroine that's rough on the outside and almost sweet on the inside.  The part needed an individual with action skills and the ability to move about with an alien-like grace.  Saldana effortlessly falls into the role and even offers up a slight love-interest subplot.  Dave Bautista is more known for his immense size, rather than his acting skills, which works out perfectly, as his Drax the Destroyer isn't a Chatty Cathy.  But even with the limited dialogue, he still has some the best one-liners the film has to offer.  Bradley Cooper—who at first seemed wrong for the voice of Rocket Raccoon—made a believer out of movie-goers instantly, after hearing his exceptional voice acting combined with an angry animated trigger-happy raccoon.  Vin Diesel stops by to say the same line hundreds of times for Groot, only to be slightly out done by the actual animated tree.  Lee Pace enters the screen as Ronan, the film's main antagonist.  Adding fierce eyes, a strong voice, and the ability to look and act dangerous, he does an outstanding job bringing evil to life.  Michael Rooker lands Yondu Udonta's part (the man that raises Quill) and lends comic relief to the movie, while John C. Reilly, Glenn Close, and Benicio Del Toro stop by for a tad bit of screen time and the free lunch.

"Do you see these three lighted buttons on my chest?  I have no idea why they're there, but the one 

in the middle plays show tunes when pushed."

WHO'LL HATE IT:

Anyone that doesn't like comic book movies should stay far away from the Guardians of the Galaxy at all costs.  If for some reason Sci-Fi movies, books, anecdotes, or references don't tickle your fancy either, then this movie will not make you a believer…no matter how awesome everyone tells you it is.  It still takes place in space and there's no reference to earth except briefly in the beginning and in the film's music.  So if superheroes and aliens bore you, then your best bet is to stick with the discovery channel and their documentaries on animal fornication.

THE FILM'S HEART:

The acting, cinematography, special effects, dialogue, and humor all come together for a near perfect Sci-Fi/superhero flick, but the film's true heart lies in two things.  One is the love the director, James Gunn, brings to the property.  Without him putting everything he enjoys about the Guardians into the movie, the end result would have been a disaster.  And the other (already stated above) is the music.  The choice of songs helps ground the film on earth (even though the bulk of the story happens in space) and they also help viewers relate to the main character.  For instance, who hasn't made their own mix tape or song list that they listened to over and over again?

"This allows you to listen to human melodies and it's just heavy enough that you could use it to 

beat someone to death...if need be."

CONCLUSION:

If you're thinking that little-known Marvel characters don't make for a compelling story, you'd be dead wrong.  Guardians of the Galaxy contains some of the funniest and unique movie scenes you'll see this year.  With the charismatic Chris Pratt leading a band of criminal misfits, where could you possibly go wrong?  If you enjoy Sci-Fi and superhero movies, then this film is a no-brainer.  And once it's all over, the first question on your mind will be, "when's the second one come out?"

5 out of 5 Stars (well done Marvel…well done)

Far Cry 4: 2014's King of Variety

Amidst the game breaking bugs, hilarious glitches, numerous DLC's, linear first-person shooters, and very long and involved RPG's, it's hard for a game to make an impact in November.  And this year, every developer and publisher held onto their games like newborn babies and then released them in meandering herds with various online issues, uneven gameplay, and broken stories.  Leading the problematic developer pack is Ubisoft with their nearly-broken-in-every-way AC: Unity.  But just a short seven days later that same company released another game called Far Cry 4.  Now, instead of gamers being worn out by the franchise's forth iteration, this pixelated adventure has actually helped lessen the blow Ubisoft took from the unbelievable mess that is Unity.  Why?  Why might Far Cry 4 be the somewhat savior of Ubisoft?  Because it’s a pixelated adventure that gives you unbelievable gaming diversity and more than forty hours of gameplay for $60 bucks.  Not to mention, outstanding voice acting, hilarious dialogue, and just all-around hell-raising fun.

Wild animal parties can be a good time, just don't invite the Rhinos, they ruin everything...and will 

drink your last beer.

FAR CRY's GAMEPLAY:

You'll hunt rhinos with a shotgun, fish with grenades, assassinate lieutenants, sneak through rave parties, ride angry elephants, stuff bad guys in trunks, parachute out of airplanes, repel down mountains, engage in bad drug trips, accidentally or purposely hit civilians with your car, fly helicopters into fortresses, jump off cliffs, fight naked in arenas, wrestle lions, and carry your mom's ashes all in the first ten hours of gameplay.  And all that has nothing to do with how you play.  The best thing about Far Cry 4 is you get to accomplish any of your goals in your own way.  Aside from a few campaign missions that have to be completely stealthy, you're free to finish all the other missions and side missions anyway you see fit.  Do you like shooting rockets at bad guys and watching them explode into little pieces?  Have at it.  Would you rather crawl your way through an outpost with just a silenced pistol and knife?  That form of gameplay is available too.  How about heading into the middle of a fortress with nothing but a bow and arrow like Rambo?  Yep, it's all possible.  Far Cry 4 doesn't limit your options at all.  In fact, it gives you so many, it's likely you'll become distracted.

"Dude, I told you to kill it, not wear it like a hat."

SIDE MISSIONS:

Even though the main mission and main side missions are in abundance, doesn't mean there aren't so many other things to do or try.  And if you're just wandering through the forest or snowy regions, smaller quests will become available.  In Kyrat (the fictional setting of the game) there are always people warring over right and wrong, and you have the option (nothing is required of you) to partake in any situation.  Just walking down a road you might find rebels fighting an opposing force.  Whether or not you help is your prerogative.  Or just over a hill could be local farmers struggling with a wild tiger.  Do you step in and help or standby and watch them get mauled?  Once far enough through the main campaign, you'll also have the option of stepping into Kyrat's arena.  Just like Roman times, you're placed in a circular arena and foes and wild animals are unleashed from massive doors with only you standing in their way.  But what if you don't want to help the locals or become king of the arena?  You could always spend your time trying to find the numerous collectibles in the game.  From masks to posters to special animals, there are so many things to occupy your time.  It's possible to spend an eight hour gaming session just searching for the right animal skins to upgrade your holster and various satchels.

"Oh that bear is being so cute right now...I think I'll give him a hug."

DEATHS:

Deaths are the reason why Far Cry 4 is one of the funniest games to watch streamers play.  You might tune into a gaming broadcast and find a stealthy player sneaking through bushes, only to be mauled by a bear a moment later.  Another streamer might be attempting to make their way down a mountain on an ATV, only to take six tries because they keep rolling the vehicle down the side.  Having one button decrease altitude on your tiny helicopter and another button for jumping out, makes for hilarious moments from gamers accidentally vaulting from their helicopter and plunging to their death.  But aside from all the funny deaths, there's hundreds of ways to die in Far Cry 4.  You could be blown up, pushed out of an airplane, shoved over a cliff, struck by a car, stabbed, shot, sniped, gutted, trampled by a rhino, eaten by a pack of wolves, drowned, shot with an arrow, poisoned, and many more.  It's all there for you to discover and nothing seems unachievable.

"Hey girl, after you're done killing and skinning those tigers, you wanna come back to my place 

and show me how to polish my barrel?"

CONCLUSION:

Far Cry 4 might not have the greatest story ever told or the greatest gun mechanics like COD, but the variety you get within the pixelated world is heights above any other game released this year so far.  Will it win game of the year?  Who's to say?  But it'll be one hell of a contender.  So if you're not into ninety hour RPG's or linear FPS's or you're just looking for something different, than Far Cry 4 has you covered with endless possibilities.

Gaming: Why do "Loading" Screens still Exist?

If you're a gamer than you probably noticed Assassin's Creed: Unity has been in the news a lot since its release.  Did it get super-duper awesome scores?  Nope.  Does it have unbelievable gameplay that took the series on a whole new path for future additions?  Nope.  AC: Unity has actually been in the news because of its awesome invisible cart racing and Arno's incredible ability to hang from thin air.  He also has the unique talent to stealth walk fifty feet above bridges to cross rivers and sometimes loses his face but not his eyeballs.  These hilarious glitches are more on the humor side than game-breaking side and that's a relief.  But we're not here to talk about why AC: Unity has been getting a ton of press.  We're here to talk about loading screens.  And one thing no one mentioned are the new loading screens in Unity.

 

Tim Burton is rumored to be using the above picture as inspiration for Beetlejuice 2: A Love Story.

Before the game released, Ubisoft announced there'd be no loading screens once in Paris.  And that statement can be seen as true…but just like a legal document, it has several holes, making it resemble a wonderfully crafted piece of Swiss cheese.  Yes, once you load AC: Unity and you're running around Paris in 1791, there aren't any loading screens, but you better never fall from a high roof without your hay net, or get stabbed or shot, or decide to fast travel or even start a new mission.  Why?  Because…loading screens.  They're not as long when going from killing to cut scene, but fast travel and dying are another matter altogether. 

Now you're probably thinking, "Well, that's okay because Assassin's Creed games have at least a unique loading screen that allows you to run around in an Animus fog for a bit."  And you'd be right, just not in the new Unity.  Apparently some hot shot in the technical department had the bright idea to do away with those old loading screens for something much more elegant.  So instead you get this:

Add another emblem in the bottom left and you almost--ALMOST--get the 1972 action hit: Pong.

A wonderfully crafted black screen with a tiny spinning emblem in the top right.  And if you're really lucky—if your loading is taking an astonishingly long time—you could get the thin white bar at the bottom of the screen too.  Both—the emblem and white bar—at the same time are just a graphic overload of pixelated greatness.  And these lovely loading screens can go on long enough to cause the player to pass out from boredom.  But the real fortunate gamers are the ones that attempt to complete a mission and continue to die over and over again, only to be rewarded with a long ass loading screen every single time.  So the simple question is—and keep in mind it’s 2014 and computer processors have advanced tremendously since the 70's—what the hell happened?  Why do gamers still have to sit in front of a black screen and pick their noses for long periods of time?

"My God, Madame, some treacherous individual has folded you up like laundry."

THE DON'Ts:

Hasn't technology and game creation come far enough to keep us away from the blank loading screen?  It seems as though Ubisoft is trying to pull a fast one by at least removing the words "loading" from the actual screen.  Well, Ubisoft, gamers are much more perceptive than you think.  We know a loading screen when we see one and we can—oh look…a cat playing the piano.  Damn, now where was I?  Oh yeah, the worst thing a developer can do is be lazy enough to give you a blank screen.  Hell, even attempting to cover it up with say an elevator ride like Mass Effect would have been better.  Or having a useless upgradable spaceship fly through clouds like in Destiny would have at least kept the gamer from falling asleep (maybe).  In this day and age, the last thing a "now" culture needs is nothing to see or do.  Each moment spent staring into the abyss is a moment that could have been spent beating some pixelated NPC over the head with a brick.  And it's on the next-gen (current generation to be honest) consoles.  If you're a developer reading this, then please understand there's a ton of things you can do to make this experience a smidgen better.

"I don't know why you two are giggling about back there, but I'll have you know: whatever that 

smell is...it did not leak from my spacesuit."

THE DOs:

People not only remember Bayonetta because she was a smoking hot piece of pixelated flesh that ripped her clothes off before each battle, but gamers also remember her because of her loading screens.  The high-heeled chick with nerd glasses had so many moves, that the developer let you practice them during each loading screen, making the loading time fly by.  Rayman's Origins and Legends gave you a silhouetted background to run around in, creating a loading screen that became practically non-existent.  And sympathizing with the player, The Devil May Cry 3, gave you the "loading" text, but allowed you to shoot and slash the crap out of it.  What a simple solution to a terribly boring problem.  Hell, the even simpler solution is loading a picture—any picture, even a random pic of someone's food is better than blackness.  Gamers love concept art.  And getting a glimpse into what sparked a level design is always a nice way to transition within a game.

 

"Eyes up here, young one, I wouldn't want you getting the wrong idea about me."

THE FIX:

So how could Unity have fixed the long blank loading screen without having to revert back to the past Assassin's Creeds?  Easy.  They could have built upon the game's strengths.  AC: Unity is based during an actual historic event...just like all their past games.  So why not show some random French Revolution facts while the gamer waits?  Why not attempt to teach players what exactly went on during that turbulent time in Paris?  What easier way is there to remove the blank screen then with a piece of art and some text underneath?  So game-developers, when you're considering and/or building your next game, please keep in mind: a simple picture with some text will go a long way to keep gamers from getting narcolepsy while they wait for their pixelated adventure to load. 

"Some days, sky-walking is all I can do to take my mind off of those dreadful Templars.  

This article has been bought and paid for by The Gamers Association of America.  (Disclaimer: The Gamers Association of America doesn't really exist.  Have a nice day.)