DVD Movie Review - 2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

A nine year old will run out of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, exclaiming, "That was awesome."  While on the other hand, an adult that grew up on the turtles will nod their head, but privately think, "What the hell happened?"

STORY:

April O'Neil (Megan Fox) works at a news station and has never been given the opportunity to report "real" stories.  She wants nothing more than to uncover the truth behind the mysterious Foot Clan that wreaks havoc on New York City.  On one dark and stormy night in a container yard she happens upon the Foot Clan doing secretive things, but before she can step in, shadowy figures come out of the dark and open a can of whoop-ass on the Foot.  Who are these mysterious heroes of the night?  Could it be Gotham's protector, the Batman and his friends from the Justice League?  No.  Maybe it's the Punisher seeking revenge on those that harmed his family?  Not even close.  Instead, April stumbles upon a most awesome sight.  A washed-down version of eighties greatness: 2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Can she figure out who these vigilantes are before the Foot destroys New York?  Corny dialogue, a choppy plot, one Kung-Fu rat, and four of the bulkiest ninja turtles ensue.

"You keep saying that...but I can read.  I'm up to four letter words and my tutor says five 

letters just adds another letter."

THOUGHTS:

The box office has proven that all people want today is action, explosions, action, fart humor, explosions, and a tad bit of action with a side of explosions.  Well…behold, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Michael Bay productions didn't get enough flak from ruining the Transformers lore, so they decided to kill the TMNT too.  But it's not just the explosions or the non-ninja way the turtles fight, or even the cartoon version of Shredder and his Power Ranger moves…it's also the writing, the acting, the dialogue, and the plot that makes this film absolutely worthless.  Yes, of course, the explosions are cool and the truck action sequence is neat, but that doesn't mean you have a movie or story worth investing any precious time in.  It just means you have an idea.  And sometimes ideas are best left in a dusty old drawer with the rest of the nonsense that spews out of your head. 

"OMG.  These guys are like giant turtles and you're like a giant hamster.  That's cool.  I like 

your robe."

THE PLOT OR LACK THEREOF:

It feels like the writers wanted to take the TMNT franchise seriously, and make a Batman Begins-esque film, but the problem is not everyone is named Christopher Nolan.  And so while watching this film it's hard to figure out who the protagonist is throughout the story.  Is this a story about April and her pet turtles?  Or is this a story about a rat raising four turtles?  Is this a story about vigilantes trying to make a difference?  Or maybe it's a story about immature teenagers that can't seem to work together to accomplish anything.  Actually, it's none of the above, because the writers had no idea where to take this film and who to focus on.  We jump from one random person to the next without truly understanding anyone, including the turtles.  Now you may be thinking, "Yeah…but it's just a TMNT movie.  It's not supposed to be deep."  And you'd be right, but couldn't we at least get some form of a plot?

"Do me a favor, I've seen the movie's ending.  Just hang me up in a closet now, so I can avoid 

the embarrassment."

SPOILERS AHEAD.  USE CAUTION. (Or don't.  It doesn't really matter.)

About half way through the movie we meet the semi-bad guy, Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), whose entire reason for being is because he wants to get filthy rich.  Yet, he lives in the X-Men mansion in the middle of nowhere and seems to be the richest man in New York.  Oops.  But now you're asking just how does he plan on making even more money?  Well, his teacher, the Shredder, wants to make everyone sick in New York and then Mr. Sacks will come to the rescue, by creating the one drug that will save everyone.  The only problem is that story line was much better in Batman Begins, when the Scarecrow wanted to do it because he's psychotic and the League of Shadows just wanted to kill everyone.  But the best part is the drug that will make everyone sick cannot be manufactured without sucking the life out of the Turtles.  So now we finally know how they fit into the story (sort of).  Was it mentioned that April's father experimented on the turtles and they were April's pets?  No?  Well that's because that particular storyline was much easier to swallow in the rebooted Amazing Spider-Man, when Peter Parker's father just so happens to be the person behind the magic spiders.  It's almost as if the writers taped random movie plots on a wall and then threw darts to see which idea they'd be using.

END OF SPOILERS.

"Umm...April?"

"Yeah."

"I don't mean to interrupt, but it's "Crime Scene" not "Slene." 

THE ACTING:

It's about as good as Megan Fox's talent.  No more.  No less.  If you thought that this movie would bring her stardom to the highest peaks or slap an Oscar in her hands, then you might be a little off.  She's about as emotional as two by four with makeup.  The only actor with some talent is Will Arnett (April's cameraman, Vernon Fenwick).  Even though his scenes with the turtles can be cringe-worthy, there are a few moments that he might actually make you laugh.  William Fichtner tries his best with the script he's been handed and Tony Shalhoub amounts to about the same while voicing Splinter.  If you haven't realized it yet, the turtles haven't even been mentioned.  That's because their subplot and voice acting is forgettable.  There's not one of them that's makes an impact in the movie.  Not even Mikey, who's usually the life of the party.  He does fart though, so that's…something. 

How does one make a fight scene more dynamic?  By turning the camera until crooked.  That's 

how.  Duh.

CONCLUSION:

Michael Bay and his friends take the TMNT lore and put it through a meat grinder for the masses.  Tired actors, a thrown-together script, fart jokes, and even horrific character designs are only a few pieces that make up the awesomeness that is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  With crooked cinematography and Ninjutsu that seems to be swept under the rug, you might be better off catching a Power Rangers episode.  Now, if you love looking at Megan Fox and watching things explode in super slow motion, then you'll love 2014's TMNT.  For everyone else, there are numerous better things you could be doing with your time…like sleeping.

1 out of 5 Stars (Add one star for having the name TMNT)