DVD Movie Review - Godzilla

In a new twist, Godzilla roars onto the screen, slapping other monsters, while demolishing cities in the process.

STORY:

A tiny lizard is flushed down the toilet, accidentally falls into some green ooze, grows to the size of a skyscraper, and then attempts to take over the world.  Wait a minute…that can't be right.  Hold on.  Okay, here it is: giant ancient lizard awakens after a long nap to enjoy a nice quiet weekend in Hawaii.  What does he find?  Giant bat-like creatures getting rowdy in Vegas and San Francisco.  So the giant ancient lizard (nicknamed Godzilla by bullies in middle school) steps in to rough them up.  Oh, and Kick-Ass (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and his father Walter White (Bryan Cranston) run around frantically trying to find bombs and monsters and live normal lives.  Giant ass-beatings, giant fat lizards, giant screams, giant explosions, giant electromagnetic mating calls, and tiny human filler ensue.

"Oh my God, do you know what this is?"

"Looks like the 1982 video game Joust, where a knight rides a pixelated ostrich."

"Exactly."

THOUGHTS:

Let's face it: no matter how much nuclear mumbo jumbo, fantastic CGI, human deaths, or utter destruction is shown, Godzilla is still and will forever be a campy monster flick.  Sure, it's the best Godzilla film that has come out since the big guy's inception, but that doesn't change the fact that the movie is riddled with hokey dialogue and human beings that nobody really gives a crap about.  You're watching this film to see a massive lizard smack other monsters while having no regard for human life or the buildings they live in.  And you know what?  There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  So it's safe to watch Godzilla as long as you know exactly what you're getting into.

This reboot monster flick is supposed to be a direct descendent of the original 1954 Godzilla film, where a clumsy man in a rubber suit crushed miniature houses with his tubby feet.  So do you need to watch that film?  Nope.  All the ridiculous plot nonsense is here again, allowing you to discover the true nature of the big guy the Japanese call Godzilla.  Yeah, but just what is this Godzilla?  He's (she's?) here to balance out nature.  So when other ancient creatures awaken and break the giant creature code of no rowdy conduct or no alcoholic beverages, Godzilla is there to step in as the lame adult and straighten them out.  The big guy may have to destroy a few cities in the process or wreck a bridge here and there, but that's all part of the process.  It says so on his résumé.

"I just love it when you call me Kick Ass.  Wanna help me lube my snorkel?"

SO HOW'S THE ACTING?

The short answer?  About as good as a monster flick's acting can be. The long answer?  Alright, take a seat.  Aaron Johnson plays Ford Brody, one of the few humans caught in the monster crossfire.  He's just a man looking to get back to his family.  But a fat lazy lizard with fiery breath gets in his way.  So he spends the rest of the movie showing you that Kick-Ass has finally figured out where the gym is and also tries his darnedest to look emotional but not stunned by the skyscraper-sized bats and lizards now roaming the earth.  Brian Cranston steps in as Ford's daddy, Joe, who tries to convince everyone that strange things are happening.  Cranston is the best actor in the film, and thankfully, his character departs right before the real absurd dialogue is unleashed. 

Juliette Binoche jumps in front of the camera for mere moments to play Ford's mommy and run from smoke, while Elizabeth Olsen portrays Ford's wife, Elle, who spends most of her time staring upward at a green screen that will eventually be filled in with Godzilla.  But the crown-jewel-actor of campy dialogue and utter nonsense lines is Ken Watanabe (Hey, somebody had to do it).  He plays Dr. Ishiro Serizawa, the man that has been following the events of Godzilla since 1954.  Now, it's not that his acting is bad; it's just that the lines he needs to say in order for the plot to thicken (or clump) are absolute silliness.  He literally drops the, "They call him"—dramatic pause while staring directing into the camera for dramatic effect—"Godzilla."  Watanabe is a great actor, but he probably shouldn't have wandered too far away from Christopher Nolan.

"You don't think he'll crush this bridge and sink us..."

"Pfft.  Not a chance, dude.  We have a tank."

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

There you are standing in the theater concession line for 20 minutes trying to cover your nose from the stench of slimy stale popcorn and burned butter, and all you can think about is watching a humongous fat lizard destroy everything in his way, while pummeling other massive non-fat creatures.  And what happens when you finally sit down and the film starts?  You have to sit through a tedious hour of human garbage before the big guy even graces the screen.  And then when some creature sparring is finally about to take place, the movie cuts to even more human hooey, completely dropping the action just as Godzilla was about to throw down.  Say what?  The title of the film is Godzilla, right?  So shouldn't he (she or it…no offense monsters) be the focus?

You'll quickly realize that the human aspect of the film is just interfering with the real reason you splurged on the movie in the first place.  For example, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes did something profound: it focused on the apes (cue fat lady fainting) and because of that, happened to be a fantastic film.  People know why they go see a monster flick and it's clearly not to see humans whining and crying about the past.  Just show more giant tails smashing into buildings in clever ways or more MUTO's getting body slammed.  What they should've called this film was Walter White and Kick Ass Take a Vacation…then it would've made more sense.

"Holy crap.  Look at the size of those--"

"Damn it, Private, stop staring at the monster's privates.  And that's an order."

CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD==> Beyond the few minutes of actual creature fighting in the movie, some of the story just so happens to be slightly ridiculous.  If you watched the film once and felt warm and fuzzy inside after the credits, then watch the film again.  Only after the second viewing can you understand how goofy some of the scenes actually are.  For instance: How does the US military—the most fearsome and technologically advanced military in the world—keep track of Godzilla?  Easy.  Grab a couple of aircraft carriers and keep one on either side of him as he takes a dip in the ocean.  Here's intelligence for you: the military knows that Godzilla's path is going to take him directly through the Golden Gate Bridge.  So what do they do?  They line the bridge with school children, so they'll have a front seat as Godzilla walks right into it.  Question: If Godzilla spent the entire time swimming just below the surface of the water, why didn't he just swim under the bridge instead of walking through it?  That's like running and jumping every other step along a track, and then when you finally reach the hurdle, you just smash your genitals right into it.  Common sense…gone.  You also can't deny that watching a MUTO munching on a submarine that just so happens to be sitting in a tree, isn't as hilarious as it sounds. <==END OF SPOILERS

"Enough with the car key memes...I'm not even drunk!"

CONCLUSION:

Godzilla is exactly what you think it is: a somewhat campy monster flick.  It has serious tones and a few comedy beats, peppered with corny dialogue.  The sad thing is most of the time you’re wading through human story lines just to get to the fun.  The giant head-tearing-body-slamming-face-bashing kind of fun that doesn't happen often enough.  Still…Godzilla is the best iteration of the big guy you'll see, so if you're a fan of the clumsy rubber lizard, then you'll have to see this film.  If you're looking for a romantic comedy with extra Gosling topping, then you've definitely come to the wrong f*cking place.  If you've already seen Godzilla in theaters and want to catch the action in your very own living room, then you're in luck, because fast-forwarding through the unnecessary human gibberish couldn't get any easier.

3 1/4 out of 5 Stars (minus a star for human whining & ¾ of a star for hokey dialogue)