DVD Movie Review - Cold In July

Dexter takes a break from logging to get a fantastic mullet cut and chase down perverts with mud on his face.

STORY:

Richard Dane (Michael C. Hall) has a wife and son that need protecting.  When a sound is heard in the middle of the night by his wife, Ann (Vinessa Shaw), Richard loads his father's revolver and attempts to thwart the thief.  Moments later, a man is dead in Richard's living room.  But that's alright…it's Texas in 1989 and killing someone in your home is considered self-defense.  So Richard cleans the mess and goes back to his simple life of framing pictures and raising his boy.  But the dead thief has a father…a criminal father that was just paroled.  So soon after, the thief's father, Ben Russel (Sam Shepard) comes knocking on Richard's door wanting revenge.  Crashing Ford Pintos, VHS tapes, counting to ten, exploding popcorn, and bloody genitals ensue.

"I don't know, Honey, the painting just doesn't seem to go with the rest of the bloody decor.  Maybe

we just need to kill us another thief?  Ya know...to even it all out."

THOUGHTS:

Have you ever played an RPG and after chasing the main quest for about 15 minutes, you happen to come across a side quest and figure, "well, let me knock this out real quick and then I'll jump back into the main quest."  And after a few minutes, that side quest turns into another side quest, which turns into another side quest, and you finally look back and you're on a path completely non-related to the original quest and you have no idea how you got there.  Well, this film is exactly like that.  Even if you read the "story" outline above, you'll never in a million years guess where the plot leads and that's because the ending storyline has almost no relation to the beginning storyline.  The movie feels like the writer began one story and then decided it wasn't going anywhere, so he pulled a second story out of the closet and just attached it to the first. 

Even the main character feels like two different people.  The Richard in the beginning of the movie is a scared husband that's just trying to keep his family safe.  And his actions are made purely on stupidity and curiosity.  But the simple questions that motivate Richard at the start are quickly tossed out the window, and what you're left with is a protagonist that makes decisions for no other reason than to fill two hours of your time.

"You sure this is where you buried the jar of pennies?"

"Listen, I reckon there's about fourteen bucks somewhere around here, and two days of 

digging is worth that kind of dough."

DEXTER:

Cold in July delivers really bad hair, ugly cars, terrible clothes, bland dialogue, and a main character that doesn't seem to know which way is up. If you're like most, you saw the actors in the movie and thought, "Sam Shepard is pretty good and—holy shmoly is that Dexter?"  But don't be fooled.  The protagonist, Richard Dane, is in no way even remotely as interesting as Dexter.  Hall's Richard looks like he's caught in a never ending fog throughout the movie.  Never does he look like he understands a word that anyone says and he's almost never certain of his actions, which establishes a man that's void of any personality.  On top of all this, his dialogue is short and only seems to move the plot along without any real reactions to the story unfolding.

"But...but you promised I could grow me one, Honey.  What's it gonna look like if I'm the only one on

the bowling team without a ponytail?  I'll be the league fool."

THE TWIST:

(SLIGHT SPOILERS AHEAD.  If you want to be somewhat surprised, then skip this paragraph.)

When the film starts and after about thirty minutes, you'll think you have a pretty good idea of just where the story is leading.  Then a twist occurs and it'll keep you interested, but after a second revelation—having something to do with Sam Shepard's character—the movie takes a hard left turn into pornographic woods and never, ever, comes out.  Without giving too much a way, if you were expecting a revenge story, then you'll be greatly surprised and disappointed with how the film actually concludes.  >>END OF SLIGHT SPOILERS<<

"Says right here, he's the Mayor.  Got himself a business card and everything."

THE ACTING:

The best of the bunch here is Sam Shepard as his storyline is stronger and has much more range than anyone else.  He's creepy when he's looking for revenge, but will also gain your sympathy as the story progresses.  And then there's Don Johnson, who plays Jim Bob.  If there was ever a name that instills intelligence, it's Jim Bob.  Johnson steps into the film with swagger and just enough cartoon goofiness to stick out like a sore thumb among the rest of the mundane characters.  If there's a reason to laugh, it'll be his lines and reactions that'll get a giggle.  But it's not enough to pull the movie out of the depressing hole it falls into.  As stated above, Hall's character is unremarkable and unmemorable, and that's just sad, considering who the man played in the past.  And finally, Vinessa Shaw climbs aboard the meandering movie ship as Richard's wife, Ann.  Her character is hilariously oblivious to everything her husband is doing and comes off more as a set piece than anything else.

"Well there's your problem right there...it's C-a-t, not K-a-t.  But don't feel bad, took me about 

thirteen years before I could remember that."

CONCLUSION:

You'll want to like Cold in July for its throwback to 1980's gritty crime dramas, but sadly, it feels more like a made-for-TV movie that a network plays around four in the morning when people are tuning in to see what infomercials are running.  If the plot didn't stray so much from the initial story, or maybe if it even tied up a few loose ends in the finale, then this would be a movie worthy of a free watch on a premium channel.  But boring dialogue and a slow crawl through uneven terrain will lead most viewers to forget all about Cold in July.  If you're thinking of renting this, wait until it makes cable.  It's not a movie you have to rush out to see, and if you do end up enjoying the plot, then you can be thankful for getting all its greatness for free.

2.5 out of 5 Stars (minus two stars for meandering plot & dull dialogue and a half star for mullet)

Book Review - Ready Player One

For all you Gamers and Movie-Buffs that scoff at novels, spit on bookstore windows, and remark, "Words?  We don't need no stinking words."  The gateway drug to the wonderful world of fantasy prose has been found in one lone novel.

Ready Player One takes everything you love about video games, music, movies, sitcoms, commercials, literature and the like, and throws it into a blender to create one of the most unique and original stories that even the truly die-hard book hater will love.  "That's great and all, but I hate video games."  Do you like movies?  "Actually, I hate everything you mentioned above."  Oh, well in that case, here's a shovel: start digging until you're about six feet deep, then jump in and have a friend bury you, because really...what's the sense?

"Drugs?"

"Thank you, no, I'm straight."

STORY:

Wade is your typical introvert living in the crappiest future you could imagine (probably not far off).  Instead of spending his days battling scary robots or trying to survive a deserted earth like other novels, Wade logs into Oasis: a free online world consisting of everything you ever wanted in a game and life.  Oasis allows the player to go to school, dance clubs, level-up to a powerful wizard, become a virtual arms dealer, or visit places only dreams can hold.  But the number one reason everyone uses it: anonymity.  You can be and do anything you want in Oasis, provided you have a big enough virtual bank account.  Wade, on the other hand, has nothing.  Not even a family life he can be thankful for, so he spends almost every moment of real life in a simulation. 

The fun begins when the creator of Oasis, James Halliday—the richest man in the world—dies.  With no heirs to his fortune, he leaves a Will.  It states that lying deep in Oasis is an Easter Egg—no, not the colorful crap you see during the holiday—a hidden secret that only the most ingenious Oasis player will be able to unlock.  The prize: Halliday's estate and full ownership of Oasis, making the individual who solves the puzzles the richest person in the world.  For years nobody comes close to finding the first of the three gates leading to the secret egg.  People even start to forget and give up, until one night a lone name appears at the top of Halliday's scoreboard stating someone has found the first gate.  That someone: Wade.  Overcome by excitement, he doesn't realize that some people would kill for that kind of cash in the virtual and even the real world.  Crazy gaming, 1980's pop-culture, wizard-whipping, and puzzle-solving ensues.

And with a flick of the wrist--BAM--the wizard was instantly transported to the Starship Enterprise.

THOUGHTS:

The novel itself literally reads like an MMORPG (Massive multiplayer online role playing game).  If you like the idea of a low-level broke virtual wizard becoming famous overnight, and battling against greedy killers…then this is your novel.  If you spend countless hours without food and water, nursing blood-shot eyes, and getting no sleep, because you just have to level up before you call it a night…then do yourself a favor and pick this book up.  You'll love it.

Talk about writing what you know and in this case, what you love, because this book literally found a way to massage an entire decade into coherent paragraphs.  Ernest Cline (author) turns the 1980's into the greatest ten years of this planet's culture.  And he does so through a thrilling ride about a young man with nothing, whose sole purpose in life is to become the first one to find Halliday's Egg.

The writing in the novel is top notch and will keep you pinned to the pages no matter where you are in the story.  The setting is original and fully developed, so you never find plot holes or problems with character motivations.  And the amount of research that had to go into putting this epic tale together is unfathomable.  The story throws espionage, corporate theft, assassinations, school problems, love, bad parenting, a crappy future, and sitcom puzzles in your face, and you'll want more.  It might even be a sad moment, when you turn the last page and see no more words.

"Can't you see I'm in the middle of Xbox One's day-one download?"

WHAT IF I HATE GAMES AND MOVIES?

Then what the hell are you doing on P&P?  Seriously?  If you really find sci-fi, fantasy, video games and movies repulsive, then don't even attempt this book.  The story does tackle harder concepts like relationships, family trouble, love and greed, but they're not the core of the book.  Most of the story involves the main character retracing certain 80's pop culture (mainly old video games and sitcoms), to try and tie it in with the current puzzle at hand.  So if literary feats like The Great Gatsby are your cup of tea, then maybe you should head to a bookstore and test out the first couple chapters of Ready Player One, before diving in.

"What?  At least he's comfortable."

WHAT IF I HATE THE 1980's?

Some people look at the 1980's tremendous hair styles and wacky color coordination and shun the whole decade.  Others think the music was as good as jamming a fork in your ear and then jumping off the nearest cliff.  But there's so much more in the novel then just the music or hair styles or clothing.  The sitcoms and movies and commercials and books all factor into the story too.  And let's not forget about great games like Joust for Atari.  Or Pacman.  Who in their right mind doesn't like Pacman?  Okay…maybe the Nazis, but that's it.

"Oh!  You got a problem with my bird, you got a problem with me."

CONCLUSION:

If you’re a 60th level wizard who has never read a novel in their life, this may be the gateway drug you've been looking for.  It may open up all kinds of magical worlds built on words.  Or you might just go right back to playing GTA5 (who doesn't like hitting hookers with their car, right?).  With fantasy, sci-fi, games, movies, sitcoms, commercials, Japanese anime, cartoons, and the kitchen sink, how can you not find something you love about this story?  Think Tron meets World of Warcraft meets The Firm.  It's a story about chasing your dreams, even if everyone tells you they're unreachable.  And who can't get behind that theme?

5 out of 5 stars (Remember, that’s only if you like video games, movies, books, or the 1980’s)