Book Review - The Thirteenth Tale

Disclaimer: Due to an over-stuffing of turkey and other fine Thanksgiving Day treats, and lack of patience with the book title above…I give you the not-so-much Review of The Thirteenth Tale.

 

When you’re a writer, here’s one of the first things they (who are they anyway?) tell you: to be able to hold a reader, your story must have conflict.  Conflict can be psychological or physical, or whatever, but the story must have conflict.  Examples of Conflict: A man who must find a killer, before his wife is killed—physical conflict; a woman who has to find her true love, or she’ll go insane and decide the world isn't worth living anymore—psychological conflict.  And anything and everything in between…this, my friends is conflict.

 

When a story begins and it doesn’t hold my attention from the very beginning, I get extremely bored.  How do I know I get bored?  Easy, I start to fall asleep.  It could be the middle of the day when my energy is at its highest.  If my attention isn’t there, I’ll be out cold in a matter of minutes.  They say your best bet when writing is to have some action in the first chapter to engage the reader, than either backtrack or move forward explaining why that action has happened.  Think about it…if every story started out like real life, where the first chapter has the protagonist getting out of bed, taking a shower, brushing his hair, going to the bathroom, eating breakfast, and then reading the newspaper, the story is going to get stale very quickly because we do that every day.  It better end with him finding a body near the front door before he goes to work, or I’m out.

 

This brings me to the lovely story of “The Thirteenth Tale.”  How did you hear about this one, you ask?  Well, it was recommended on several sites—if you liked “The Shadow of the Wind”, then you’ll love “The Thirteenth Tale.”

 

Story/Thoughts:

Diane Setterfield has written a novel with “Flowery” prose.  I don’t really mind flowery or poetic prose as long as it moves the story forward.  I did say forward, right?  Anyway, the first chapter deals with a woman coming home—she works at a bookstore, which is really the only resemblance of The Shadow of the Wind—and finds an envelope on a step.  But telling you it’s a white envelope with paper inside and her name on the front isn’t enough.  Setterfield rambles for a few pages about handwriting and other memories, and then finally gets back to opening the damn thing.  And this kind of writing goes on, and on, and on…until I couldn’t take it anymore.

 

The big conflict in the book at this point is a great writer, who’s old and weathered by now, wrote a book a long time ago called “Thirteen Tales or something or other” and there was only—shocker: twelve!  Oh no…not twelve, well where the hell is the thirteenth?  We better find that thirteenth tale somewhere, like under the sofa, or way in the back of a closet, or I just can’t go on!

 

I’ll be honest here; this isn’t really a review, because I could not bring myself to finish this novel.  Sorry to all the Diane Setterfield fans out there.  And I know there’s going to be those people who say: “But the ending was unbelievable!”  Well, what if it is the greatest ending ever in the history of stories—does that mean I should have to drudge through 300 pages to find it?  I have precious free time in my life, and I like to spend it enjoying myself.

 

So I gave up somewhere in the vicinity of a hundred pages.  And about 90 of those were spent wondering if the story was finally going to catch my attention.  But it didn’t…and you have to remember one thing:  this doesn’t mean at all that “The Thirteenth Tale” is a bad novel.  Like they (Who’s they again?) say: “To each, his own.”

 

You may love this book, but if your tastes lie on the same side of the fence as me (and reading my other reviews, you’ll get an idea of what I like), than maybe “The Thirteenth Tale” is not for you.  Maybe you should rent it from your local library first, before you go rushing out to buy it.

 

Here’s hoping my next book pick is a little better.  *Raises a glass of milk, and then takes a sip* (Alcohol is bad for your liver people, and you should only drink when you have trustworthy people around you.  God only knows what bad friends will do when you’re passed out.  So drink responsibly; drink with life-long friends…you’ll thank me in the end.)

 

N/A out of 5 stars (gave up after only 100 pages…sad isn’t it?)

Book Review - John Dies @ the End

I know, you see “Book Review” in the title of this post and instantly, that new porn site you found a last night is sounding more and more like it needs a visit, but wait—before you go running off to apply makeup and frolic through some dandelions, hear me out.  Why?  Because this book has been turned into a movie, so maybe you should stick around to find out exactly what it’s all about.

 

Now that I have at least one person’s attention, let me tell you a story.  A co-worker of mine asked me a few days ago:

 

Coworker: “Hey, I seen some new trailers listed.  Was thinking about checking out that ‘John Dies @ the End’—did you see that?”

 

Me: “Yeah, watched it and also read the book.”

 

Coworker: “No crap? What’s it about?”

 

Me: “Meat monsters, penis door handles, farting demons, battle axes, super soaker flame throwers, exploding dogs, gorillas riding giant crabs, shadow people…oh, and soy sauce.”

 

One half of me thought the nonsensical jumble of ridiculous words would magically transform into a perfectly explained story, with plot structure and conflict; the other half expected at least a snicker or a giggle, but neither happened.  Apparently, penis door handles or meat monsters don’t affect him in the least.  So I told him to go watch the trailer and that it’ll straighten everything out.

 

 

Did you watch the trailer above? Great.  Everything makes sense now right?  If the first thing that came to mind was: “I should go check out that new porn site” and the second thing was: “No, the trailer made no friggin’ sense whatsoever.”  Then you’re in the same boat as everyone else.  The funny thing is: the movie looks like it’s doing a perfect job of transforming David Wong’s opus to film…that’s just how messed up this book is folks.

 

Now let me try and explain the plot:

Video store lackey David Wong and his rocker/burn-out friend John end up taking some black drug (soy sauce) that a Jamaican passes around at a concert, and mass hysteria ensues.  Seeing as though these two losers are really the only sensible people out of all the druggies, they must find a way to defeat the dark evil afflicting the Undisclosed town.  Or…they could just decide to drink heavily and pass out.

 

Thoughts:

If you don’t know, this book actually started out as a web-serial that David Wong (psss…not his real name) began writing way back, and would post a chapter every Halloween.  Which hurts the initial chapters a little: they feel somewhat unassociated with the rest of the book, and being thrown into whacked out scenes from the get-go, without any establishment of plot, made it really hard to relate to the main protagonist, Dave.  Luckily though, it was the crazy batsh*t writing that happened in every paragraph that kept me pressing forward.

 

The book is classified as horror comedy.  There are some really gross and disgusting descriptions in the book, but aside from those, nothing that really scared me.  In fact, the disgusting descriptions are what made me laugh.  Guess I have a screwed up sense of humor.

 

If you’re looking for an intellectual book with glorious prose, then this novel is not for you.  If your between 20 and 35 years old, and spend most of your time watching movies, playing video games and looking at porn…this book might just tickle your fancy.

 

As I was saying, after you get through the initial chapters of the book, working your way through the Vegas storyline, stay with it, you’ll be happy you did.  Because once a secondary character named Amy is thrown into the mix, the book actually starts to resemble a real novel, with plot and conflict and everything.  The early females in the story were really nothing more than a few lines of dialogue-throwaways.  But it seems, once Mr. Wong had a clear path to an ending in mind, the book manifests itself into a real page-turner.  Now, that doesn’t mean all the silly crap disappears, it just means the story has direction.

 

A funny scene:

There’s a sequence in the book that involves a shotgun, a crate, and some demons.  If you’re into to video games, like the author, then this scene will make you laugh out loud.  This is one of John’s best moments in the book.  This also brings me to a…

 

Tangent:

David Wong has been working at Cracked.com as head editor for several years now and has some hysterical articles about video games (A gamer’s Manifesto) and his views on life, which I highly recommend if you have some spare time.  The funny thing is: the story behind the novel is even more impressive.  Wong includes it at the back of the book and it can be found on his website.  I actually admire his persistence with writing such a web-serial and having it turn into now, 2 novels and a movie.

 

Conclusion:

So if you’re in the gamer’s club and fancy a horror/comedy story that’s quite silly and really won’t make you any more intelligent once read—in fact, it might kill a few brain cells while reading—then go ahead and pick this one up, you’ll love it.  If you deem yourself an intellectual and above normal society, then go ahead and pass on this one—right after I give you a good smack in the mouth.  Because life is too short to be that serious.

 

Will I venture into the second book? (Yes, there is another)  Right now, I have a backlog of books to read and I’ve already dropped all my acid while deciphering the first book.  So I’ll have to get to my drug dealer first and then contemplate the second novel.  But I do see me reading it eventually…I mean really—do wacky dick jokes ever lose their charm?

 

3.25 out of 5 stars (a little over 3 stars because it’s damn funny at times, but initially, a little scrambled)

 

Book on Amazon

DVD Movie Review - Total Recall (2012)

Sometimes I’m in the mood for an action romp with not a minutes rest until all the bad guys are dead.  Sometimes I like a sci-fi film just for its visuals, and sometimes, every once in a while, when the moon is just right and the stars align, you get a good sci-fi action romp, dropped right in your lap and if you’re not paying attention, you’ll miss it and never be able to recover it again.

 

What am I talking about?  I really have no idea, but Total Recall would be awesome action Sci-fi flick, if it wasn’t a remake.  No really, I’m serious.  If the premise of the story wasn’t already beaten into our heads, this movie would be a can’t-miss sci-fi film.  It has all the ingredients: fantastic sets, outlandish action sequences, crazy robots, future gadgets, and two—that’s right, two—beautiful leading ladies.  What else do you need?  Oh, that’s right…an original story—damn it, I knew you couldn’t have it all.

 

The Story:

You already know it.  Regular Joe Blow goes into a future mind-altering company because his normal life—the day to day crap—is just too darn boring, and he wants to spice things up.  Well, just as they’re hooking him to the machine to fry his brain, all hell breaks loose and we (the viewer) don’t know if it’s real, or not.  Sound familiar?  The only thing missing is a bad Austrian accent.

 

What’s different?

Well, like I said above: the story/plot is the same, other than that you have a stand-alone sci-fi film.  The settings are different, you’re missing crazy stomach creatures, but have gained robot officers; Mars is gone and everything takes place on a devastated Earth, where only two areas remain habitable: Britain (really?) and Australia (understandable).  And there isn’t a muscle-bound Mr. Universe running around killing people, there’s just Colin Farrell.

 

My Thoughts:

This is going to be totally bias because I have a background in art (illustration, concept, you name it), so a Sci-fi film like this, just had me in awe.  Let me explain.

 

The concept art and Art direction in general, is some of the best I’ve ever seen.  The unbelievable city called the Colony, where our protagonist lives, is wonderfully constructed.  Since living space has become a real big problem, the city has expanded up, over and even out.  There’s the up-side-down apartments, houses built on other houses, floating duplexes—this is exactly what I picture when I think: spatial requirements are in need of fixing.

 

But there’s more: the industrial design aspect (future products and such) is top of the charts.  You have cell phones that are built into your hands and when placed on a piece of glass, they show a video of who you’re talking too.  Steering wheels are not limited to one side of your car; they can be shifted to either side, depending on who wants to drive (excellent action sequence with this).  The elevators are not limited to up and down, they now go side to side, up/down…really whatever’s needed. (This reminds me of the parking garages in Europe that manage to squeeze five pounds of car into a one pound bag) 

 

The visuals have been heavily influenced by Minority Report (awesome car chases) and of course, the father of Sci-fi films: Blade Runner.  The dirty/rainy streets, packed with all kinds of wacky individuals; Asian influences mixed with western ideals; crazy building structures and cross bridges; and of course, three boobed hookers.  (Yes the three boob women from the original film has her moment to shine here)

 

Science almost makes its way into the film, too.  The only way to get from Britain to Australia now, is riding something the film calls “The Fall”.  Say what?  I don’t know, but this awesome Disney ride look-a-like takes you from one end of the planet to the other, and when you pass Earth’s core, there’s weightlessness, which is a nice touch to the effects, and lends itself to a great action sequence later in the film.  My only question is: how do the people riding always end up, right-side up if you’re traveling straight through to the other side of the planet?  Oh, now don’t try to place logic, where logic doesn’t belong.  This leads me to other stuff that didn’t make any sense.

 

Questionable Sci-fi antics and goofy scenes:

1.      Throughout the film, there are these white officer droids chasing everyone down, and repeatedly the protagonist and others are shooting at them and every time the bullets seem to bounce off.  Then towards the end of the film, in the elevator sequence, just when our hero needs it…the bullets seem to affect one of these things—huh? 

2.      There’s also a black officer droid, which seems to be the leader/badass of droids—toward the end he lifts our hapless hero completely off the ground with one hand.  Now if you know anything about physics, this means that the droid must be hundreds of pounds heavier than a normal human, right?  Well, our hero is dropped and then proceeds to kick the droid and it actually stumbles backward—say what?  This entire fight scene looks ridiculous.  A barehanded human cannot be able to punch a droid and have it hurt him.  Sorry, doesn’t happen.  Please check your Sci-fi manual for more information.  But I digress.

3.      There’s another scene, where Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston is made out to be some martial art badass—this, does not work.  He can cook meth, but Bruce Lee style does not work for him…at least not on film.

 

More Thoughts:

There are continuous areas of awesomeness that exists throughout the film, but I have to remark on Kate Beckinsale.  She is so friggin’ hot, it’s disgusting.  What makes her even better looking is the fact that she’s kicking everybody’s ass in the film.  This adds at least double to her hotness, easy.  There’s also a scene in the beginning, where she’s just in her panties and—wow, don’t even get me started.  Also running around in the film is Jessica Biel, another really beautiful woman.  The only scene missing is the one where they’re making out…damn it, did I go too far?

 

Back to the film:

If Total Recall wasn’t a remake of an Arnold classic, it would have been a classic in its own right.  Do yourself a favor, if you like sci-fi and action and fantastic visuals, then rent this sucker…if not, stay far, far away.  If you didn’t get to see this in theaters, than Blu-ray is the next best thing.

 

A Solid 3 out of 5 stars (minus 2 stars for the remake problem)

DVD Movie Review - The Amazing Spiderman

 

The Amazing Spiderman on Amazon

 

Disclaimer: DVD Reviews may be misleading.  Prose and Postulations only places DVD in the title to differentiate between a movie that’s out on DVD/Blu Ray and one that’s still in theaters.  Almost all of the time, just the movie itself will be reviewed, and not the features that come with the DVD/Blu Ray.

 

The only question that comes to mind, when thinking about “The Amazing Spiderman” is: Was this movie necessary?  Answer: Well, no…but that doesn’t mean it’s a movie that’s not worth viewing.  “The Amazing Spiderman” is well written, beautifully shot, and has moments of pure genius.

 

My favorite Spiderman movie is Spiderman 2 and the villain (Doctor Octopus) was perfectly matched for Peter Parker.  Tobey Maguire was an excellent Spiderman, but sat a little on the campy side.  In fact, all three Sam Raimi films are on the campy side, which I’m sure was his intent from the get-go. 

 

“The Amazing Spiderman” is not a dark take on the character, but does have a more serious tone than its predecessors.  The film itself is just a reboot of Spiderman all over again, but this allows for previous roads that weren’t travelled in the last 3 movies, to be trekked here.  Peter Parker is now more influenced by the people he loves, than the power he acquires.  Tobey’s Spiderman seemed to have a need to help people for the greater good, while the Amazing Spiderman gets pulled into a life of saving the innocent, because of his family’s secrets.

 

Also, in the last three films, I always had this feeling that Spiderman’s powers were more of a curse that Peter Parker had to deal with, while this current installment sees Parker having nothing but fun with his new found gifts, which easily grounds the character, because in reality (if the reality of Spiderman really existed) if a teenager could suddenly do all those things, of course he’s going to take the time to have fun with it, right?

 

Story:

The movie starts with Peter being left with his Aunt and Uncle, and his parents disappearing without anyone having any knowledge why.  Peter grows up as the typical loner/weird kid in school and tries to get through life with as little notoriety as possible, but all that changes when he finds something that belonged to his father, and starts digging into his past.  Then—and this is the part you probably didn’t know—he gets bit by a spider…and his current life is never again the same.

 

More thoughts:

The Peter Parker in this trilogy is super intelligent, and he loves to flaunt that in his witty banter with bad guys and the girl he’s falling for.  The addition of the mechanical web-shooters is a nice touch, and relates more to the comic books of the past.  This also makes Spiderman more vulnerable…allowing him to run into trouble if they don’t operate correctly, run out of webbing, or get crushed by an opponent.  Again, the web-shooters also keep the character much more grounded than the previous films…more human.

 

From the opening scenes to almost the middle of the movie, everything is perfect.  The dialogue, the acting, the action, the love-story…just perfect, and then in comes the Lizard.

 

Right off the bat, I’d like to say the Lizard is one of the worst designed characters of all comic book movies.  The design looks like what would happen if a high school student got a call from Marc Webb to design the new Lizard villain and was paid in cracker-jack prizes.  There’s nothing cool about him.  Nothing.  Even the CGI at times looks dated.  Does this hurt the movie?  A little.  Would I worry about it?  Nah.  You ask why?  Well—

 

In the director’s defense (Marc Webb) the movie is called “The Amazing Spiderman” and not “The Lacking Lizard”, so obviously you’re going to focus more on Peter.  There were reviews that said the Lizard character is so paper thin, it couldn’t hold a sneeze.  And to me, that’s okay, because if they did go into the villain’s background more, it really would have taken away from everything else that was perfect in the film.

 

Peter’s scenes with Gwen are touching.  His scenes with his Aunt and Uncle are heart-felt, and even the scenes with Captain Stacy help to lend a little humor to the mix.  If you had more Lizard, you would lose all those great moments.  So in a way, having such a crappy villain in the first movie allowed a lot more Peter, which is why we’re really watching right?  We want to see Parker become Spiderman, and feel all his emotions and understand all his ups and downs.  I didn’t want to see the Lizard, and frankly if he wasn’t in the movie, I don’t think it would have made much of a difference.  If they would have focused more on the man that killed Uncle Ben, or the relationship between Spiderman and Gwen, or Gwen’s father chasing Spidey all over New York, I would have been just fine with that.

 

At least now you have a great backstory to spring-board off of for the next couple of movies, and you swept aside a flimsy villain in the process.  Not we can get to more exciting bad guys and show their back-stories properly, while incorporating hints of love-story and family relationships…should work out perfectly—should. 

 

Think about it; if they would have had the Goblin in the film, they would have had no time to fully develop the character and you would be left with the slop that the Lizard was…so be thankful it was a throw-away like the Lizard, and not the Green Goblin or Venom or Carnage.  Save those kick-ass baddies for the sequels.

 

“The Amazing Spiderman” was unnecessary, but still is a great movie on its own right.  I look forward to more in the series.  It’s definitely a rental, and if you really love Spiderman, than it’s a no-brainer to add to your home-movie collection.

 

A Solid 3 1/2 out of 5 stars (minus 1 ½ stars for the sloppy Lizard design/written character)