The Following Premier Review

Normally, reviewing a weekly show is counterproductive, but seeing as The Following had so much advertising, the least we could do would be to cover the premier.  So in case you’re really not paying attention, this will probably be the last time you read anything on P&P about this show.  There are spoilers beyond—read at your own risk! You have been warned. 

The Following had so much media coverage and advertising behind it, you would have thought it was running for a Senate seat.  There was no way to escape the onslaught of Kevin Bacon’s haggard face: buses, billboards, commercials, You-tube, park benches, bathroom stalls, outhouses, henhouses, etc.  If you fell into the advertising trap that’s okay, you’re not alone.  I was sucked right in too.  An article in my local paper said the premier will scare the crap out of you.  I wouldn’t go that far, but my stomach did rumble here and there—probably just the Chinese food, but how can one be so sure?

STORY:

A nutty, yet romantic, psychotic serial killer, James Purefoy playing Joe Carroll—who loves Poe—decides he wants to finish his masterpiece, and to do so, goes on blogs and twitter (just speculation) to talk to people about their inner serial killers, and without any trouble, secures his way out of a maximum prison.  But there is a hero to this tale—enter, dum dum dummmmm—Kevin Bacon and his slouching shoulders.  Bacon plays Ryan Hardy, a burn-out agent with a habit of filling trashcans with empty alcohol bottles.  He used to work for the FBI, but now just stays at home watching Oprah and rubbing one out. (I’m assuming people, just assuming)  Ryan Hardy is forced back into the game by his nemesis Carroll and the show takes off from there.

No Ma, I didn't pass out on the front lawn naked, again. 

THOUGHTS:

It was a solid opening for a show, one we’ve all seen before, but solid.  The only problem is: hopefully the show’s episodes are better.  If the opening hour is the best we get, then I don’t see the Following holding on to its viewers much longer. 

We’ve all seen the show where each episode the protagonist chases the bad guy, jumping through hoops and getting thrown in the wrong direction, and then finally turns to his orangutan partner for help and after first flinging crap and scratching his ass, tells our protagonist that the pubic hair floating in his coffee is the clue they need to catch the killer.  At least, I think I saw that—could have been a dream though.  Anyway, just rinse and repeat and voila: instant cop show.  The Following must differ from that layout or it’s just the same recycled garbage that’s all over TV.

What is this?  A framed portrait of me, made out of bacon...lovely.

I really wish they would have stretched the quick 45min. arc of the first episode out to at least two episodes.  It would have helped raise the tension that a thriller show needs.  SPOILER ALERT: Joe Carroll kills numerous guards in a maximum security prison with a hair dryer (again speculating), changes clothes, even talks to a few other guards, and then casually drives off into the sunset.  That’s just the first few minutes.  Then he talks to all his tweeps, causing a tattooed chick to stab out her eye, a gay couple to capture a girl, and some babysitter to snatch a kid from a house full of FBI agents.  Joe Carroll being the romantic that he is, then meets up with the one-that-got-away and stabs out her eyes—because she was having trouble seeing beauty—meets up with Ryan, gets captured, tells Ryan almost his entire plan for the rest of the season and then goes back into his cell to happily spend more time reading Kurt Vonnegut.  That episode is the prime example of how you put five pounds of crap, in a one pound bag.

Let us talk about the “extremely violent” scenes.  Did the show have those?  Yep.  Were they cool?  Not as cool as a premium channel would have shown: at least one bloody naked chick would have been present.  Were these scenes needed?  Here’s where I think the show will differ in coming episodes.  All the blood and violence was probably there for shock value to gain audience, much in the same way a new show on a paid channel will grace the screen with boobies in the first five minutes, to then barely show anything again for the duration of the season.  (I do have to point out the fact that Justified stooped this low for the Premier of their 4^th season: a shot of a fully naked and glorious ass in the first minute.  It was awesome to see, but totally unnecessary for plot)

I could be wrong…and I really hope I am, because I want this show to work.  Serial killers and their tracking counterparts are always fun to watch. 

How could they not allow dancing in this penitentiary?

Kevin Bacon plays the drunken Ryan Hardy perfectly.  No trouble acting here.  With his skin and bones body, adorned with disheveled clothes, the character comes off as the dude that just doesn’t give a crap.  But then does give a crap, because he naturally wants to sleep with both co-stars on the Premier.  No, I’m not talking about Purefoy, you sick bastard.  I’m talking about Maggie Grace, who sadly doesn’t last too long and Justified’s Natalie Zea.

Yes, we put this picture here, just so we could look at her.

Justified’s loss is The Following’s gain.  Natalie has that sophisticated, sexy look.  And with the southern accent…it was pure heaven watching her on Justified.    She doesn’t have the southern accent, which is a shame, but the rest of her is still there.

So, I almost had sex with Rogue...what of it?

Bobby Drake, err I mean Iceman, oops—what I meant to say is Shawn Ashmore makes an appearance as Mike Weston, Bacon’s helpy-helper.  They should have let him keep his mutant powers.  It would have been awesome to watch Iceman attempt to freeze Bacon’s water, or should I say Vodka…hmmm.  Definitely would have added spice, instead he runs around carrying a hard-on for the Ex-FBI agent/novelist Hardy. 

I'm telling you--just one orangutan and you'll add like 2 million viewers, easy. 

Then there’s Purefoy, who plays a nut-ball perfectly.  (The show doesn’t lack in the good-acting department it just needs a refreshing plot)  I personally haven’t seen this man since he bed the smoking hot Cleopatra in HBO’s Rome.  He was in John Carter, but that’s not helping his resume—moving on.  The ending sequence, where he actually explains the entire show to Kevin Bacon was over-the-top and made us viewers look like morons.  But like I said, it was a solid opening, just not one for the record books.

If you need something new to watch and don’t mind the occasional blood, The Following might just hold your interest.  You’ve seen it before, but never with Kevin Bacon playing an undertaker…so, there’s that.

3 out of 5 stars (minus 1 star for holding our hands throughout the show and another star for not portraying some type of boobies in the first 5 mins.) 

Violent Video-Games Create Sickos

Smile, and then wait for the flash!

The Barnum and Bailey rejects that have surfaced in Washington, are attempting to scratch the violent media rash that's plagued our society for decades.  If you haven't been paying much attention, I don't blame you, in fact I applaud you.  The following work is ridiculous and is written to show exactly how foolish all this crap really sounds.  Enjoy.

Let me start out by saying the effects of watching violent movies and playing violent video games, are creating psychopaths right in my very own neighborhood.  Why, just the other day there were a few zombies just hanging out, minding their own business on my front lawn—and really, how much trouble can zombies get into—shuffling around, enjoying the fresh air when out of nowhere this sword wielding freak jumps out of the bushes and starts hacking them to pieces.  It was horrible.  Blood splatter and decaying flesh stuck to my windows, brain matter sluggishly crawling down my stone work.  I'll never be the same again, and the only conclusion I came up with: violent media.  It's plagued our society for long enough and it must be stopped.

Batter Up.

Let me share a personal story that I haven't told anyone, ever: 

A few years back I was spending a perfectly good Saturday morning playing a violent video game, like a normal individual.  So there I was, in my underwear, barrel of cheese balls snuggled into my crotch, and bam—something clicked.  I can't really describe it, but it was like the perfect rule-following, society-loving person died and just a crazed shell remained. My brain and my emotions suddenly scrambled and I couldn't help but instantly jump up and run outside like a feral beast looking for food.

I heard a rumbling in the street about fifty feet away, and felt a shiver crawl up my legs.  I don't know why, but I ran to my shed and grabbed the only gun I had laying around at the time.  It's a hefty piece of equipment with automatic/semiautomatic firing, and a chainsaw's chain wrapping around the bottom of the barrel toward the trigger.  Now, I know what you're thinking: "Man, that gun is already outdated, he’d be better off with a full suit of armor that allows stealth, strength and speed."  And right you would be my friend, but alas, the chainsaw machine gun was all that hung in my shed that day.

A little off the top?

I holstered that sucker between my waist and forearm and went plowing toward the street.  No one but me seemed to notice the earth rattling, and I knew deep in my soul that only I would be able to stop it.  The rumbling I felt ceased for a split second and then it happened.  A sink hole erupted in the middle of the street and a grotesque humanoid crawled out.

Grrrr aghhh grrrr burp arghhh!

It grunted and stuck its lip out at me.  I just snapped.  Without thinking, I serpentine toward the towering beast and let fly a volley of assault bullets that tore the poor grunt down, but he hadn't fallen yet.  He just crawled toward me with outstretched hands.  But I couldn't help myself; I churned the chainsaw underneath the gun, the sheer power and sound thrilled me to my core, and I ripped him clear in half.  The grunt’s body lay underneath my feet, split from head to torso in a heap of flesh, acid blood and organs.  I raised the chainsaw machine gun high and howled at the sky.  My breathing heavy and fast, and yet I felt nothing.  Looking at the faces staring at me, an obscure human feeling rose up from my loins: shame.  What did I do? And more importantly—why?

After satisfying my urge to slaughter the grunt, I learned that he worked for a local florist and was attempting to deliver some flowers right before I slayed him.  It's a stain on my record and on my heart and I want to make a full apology to the grunt nation if I caused any type of harm or loathing toward mankind.

Because of this terrible mark on my record, when asked to save the galaxy from the reapers, I gracefully declined.  I just stood there frozen, with a Johnny Walker in my hands and started shaking.  Remembering Emergence Day rested too heavily upon my shoulders.  Fortunately, I do hear a valiant Commander by the name of Shepard picked up my torch.  All I can say is: I'm still here and the world is still here, so he must have done something right.  Apparently though, after all the decisions he made along the way, nothing really mattered, and he just ended up dying anyway.  It's really sad when you think about it.

We're here to stop the robots from stopping humanity, from stopping the robots.

All these lessons I've learned, I took and stored away in my torture chamber—the same place I use to play violent video games—and realized that there's a lesson to be learned.  Violent video games or any violent media, are bad for people, and create psycho tendencies in perfectly healthy humans that ruin our almost perfect society.  Video games shouldn't feature blood, aliens, death-dealing robots or vampires.  They should feature rainbows and butterflies and whales and panda bears.

There, don't you feel better already?

So needless to say, I burned all those brain melting games, just like the Nazis did books, and I'm happier for it.

Well, this action created more people jumping on board, because sometimes a person just wants to feel involved in anything, and together our small but mighty neighborhood had one heck of a video game bonfire going.  See, some people just decided that all games were bad and burned anything they had, and really...can you blame them?

It's really been peaceful since.  Not one crazy video game freak has done anything to ruin our perfect society.  Why, the other day a zombie was walking the street and a little girl offered up her ice cream to him; a kind gesture that made all our citizens proud.  Not to mention the zombie.  He was so thankful, he ate the ice cream and then just continued right on up her arm, and now little Jenny is a walking, talking, flesh-eating zombie too.  And her father couldn't be more delighted.

Hi, big daddy!

You would think that since our town is doing so well, we would have no further improvements to make.  You'd be wrong.  I personally instituted a drug program that will remove all emotions from society, and heading up the law enforcement branch will be an actor named, Christian (though he is fascinated with gun-kata, weird right?).  We're all very happy. 

Hope you have a wonderful day, and if there's one moral to take from all this, please remember: zombies, aliens, robots and grunts are people too.  Oh, and video games are bad, bad, bad.

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The above piece is to be read only as satire, and is in no way to be construed to make fun of any tragic events, recent or in the past.  We aim to make you and ourselves laugh, because if we don't, we’re afraid we'll cry.  We also believe that love, caring and faith starts at home with every parent.  It's not the act of telling someone you love them, it's showing them that you love them.  Our hearts go out to all victims in any crime.  And those souls, who have been lost, will forever remain in our prayers.

P&P's Most Anticipated Movies for 2013

There are many reasons to want to see an upcoming film.  Maybe you want to see all the viewers of a specific genre, get fenced in and hosed down.  Or maybe you’re wondering whether a certain film will kill a franchise or character.  Whatever the reason, as of this point, here are our picks for 2013.  We love to change our mind, so don’t hold us to any of it.  You have been warned!

A good day to die hard

Feb 14^th

Can we stop with the ridiculous names already?  We know what the movie is, and we know who it's about, you don't have to get clever and try to cover that crap up.  It's Bruce Willis in the role that made him frigging famous.  We return time and time again to hopefully catch a glimpse of the old—stuffed-in-a-vent with just a wife-beater and a lighter, with nothing to do but save the day and talk to ourselves—John McClane.  So don't screw this up.

Oblivion

April 12^th

Now, we know what we said about Cruise in Jack Reacher, but this movie's trailer came out of nowhere and surprised the crap out of us.  Really...have you seen the trailer?  If not, get on it.  Earth is a devastated world in the future, with a New York fan that can't let go of the old world, trying to save this new one.  With unbelievable art direction, this is one of those movies that looks like it'll keep bringing us back for more, just because of the fantastic tech.  And with the looks of Olga Kurylenko running around, it promises to have eye-candy in every scene. 

Star Trek into Darkness

May 17^th

We are no Trekkies by any means, in fact watching the old series or movies made us want to punch babies and old ladies in the face, but after seeing the reboot, we want nothing more than to board the bandwagon with everyone else.  With J. J. Abrams’ direction and Chris Pine's excellent acting, we're stoked to see the latest installment. 

Pacific Rim

July 12^th

Let’s go down the “awesome movie” checklist: large beastly monsters destroying everything in their path—check.  Giant frigging Mechs, doing crazy Mech things—check.  Giant frigging Mechs punching large beastly monsters in the face—check.  Well, we're sold.  Sign us up for tickets.  You want a plot?  Plot, schmot...who cares about that?  We just want to see Mechs kicking the crap out of monsters for two hours.

The Wolverine

July 26^th

Dear Wolverine/Hugh Jackman,

You had such promise after viewing X2, but then threw it all away with Origins.  We just want to say that we still have faith in you, and the wolverine character.  You can still be great, if you want to.  So please, we beg you...don't throw this new movie into the garbage disposal and ruin wolverine forever, because we may never forgive you afterwards.  All we want is a decent film, with good acting and sharp claws that slice through everyone in Japan—like you were meant to do.  Thank you and have a great day.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

November 22^nd

The first movie was such a treat, we cannot wait for this one to rear it's utterly stupid, ridiculous, retarded with a side of ugly—head.  Please movie gods; is there any way to make this movie happen any sooner?  We'll give anything.  Our first born if required, to see this movie sooner.  Oh, and while you're granting wishes, please bring back another Twilight movie too, that way we can round up all these people at the same time, throw them in a fenced off state and hose them down.  We're excited...how about you?

Jack Ryan

December 25^th (Christmas)

After Chris Pine's special-agent effort in “This Means War”, we felt as though he needed to be some sort of secret agent ass-kicker, and here you go.  What started with Harrison Ford and fell into the crapper with Affleck will once again rise like the Phoenix.  Or at least we hope so...

You thought we forgot one didn't you...well, no.  We're just saving the best for last.  Whether we love the character or whether we wonder if this portrayal will sink the franchise forever, everyone's most anticipated movie of 2013 (around our circles, anyway) is:

Man of Steel

June 14^th

We're talking about the father of all Super heroes here, people.  Some of you are thinking, "Hey, Batman is awesome buddy."  We'll, he is, but in terms of Super heroes...you catch that—Super, Batman really is just an angry man in a dark suit with a cape.  Supes is the real deal.  He's the icon of perfection and good.  He's the hero that everyone wants to be, and tries to be.  No matter what, Superman always tries to do the right thing, without falter. 

Let’s not talk about the recent way in which DC comics has been writing him, because that's not Supes.  Supes fights for truth, justice and...AND the American Way. 

So will Zack Snyder's rebirth of the character do him justice?  We hope.  Does Henry Cavill look the part?  He does.  Is Goyer as the writer, a good thing?  We again, hope.  That last thing we need is a grittier, hard-boiled Superman.  Or a Superman who's so full of himself, that he doesn't know whether or not to be Superman.  (We don't need a reenactment of Smallville on the big screen).  What the fans need is just, simply—a really good story about a really good man.

Now I know some people hate the new suit and the fact that the great score by John Williams has been tossed aside, but what do you expect from a writer and filmmaker, who are trying to completely change how you see Superman.  We wouldn't care if Supes came out riding a unicycle with a gorilla on his shoulder, as long as the story is good and the story lends itself to the character.  We don't need Superman beaten and bloody, or run through a kryptonite grinder.  He can be grounded and still fly or be human-like and still deflect bullets.  They need to show how the character has flaws; not in himself but in the people he loves.  He does what he does, because of whom he loves and what he believes.  The grounded, human connection to Superman is his family.

What else can be said, besides...we hope they don't wreck it like Green Lantern.  That franchise was shot in the face before it came out of the womb.

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There are other films that are coming out that didn't quite make the cut, but are at least worth mentioning.

Kick-ass 2 (June 28^th - could be as good as the 1st, but probably just made for money)

Iron man 3 (May 3^rd - the second was just awful in our opinion, so good luck with the third)

Thor: The Dark World (October 30^th - the first one was a surprise, we'll see if they can keep the streak going)

Movie Review - Jack Reacher

Tom Cruise's Jack Reacher, even standing on its tippy toes, can only snag the trophy from just below top shelf.  Don't get me wrong, it's a solid action film with almost great acting, but somehow falls into the category of "saw it once, probably never see it again."

 

Why you ask?  Well, after a heart-pounding beginning that touches on recent headlines, the movie becomes cliché, after cliché.  Nothing in the plot stunned or shocked me.  The entire story seems to play it safe, without stepping on toes.  Now I haven't read the Lee Child book it's based on, so I can only talk from movie perspective (I can't seem to get past Lee Child's stunted sentences.  Sorry to any fans).  Like I said, it's a solid action film.  One you won't be sorry for watching, but one you won't brag about having seen either.

 

I have to get this out of way.  David Oyelowo: The detective looking into the case and into Reacher throughout the film is probably the worst actor I've seen on film in a long time.  And I'm not joking.  A Popsicle has better acting chops then this guy.  It wasn't that he couldn't handle the emotions; it's the over-acting I couldn't get past.

 

The first time you see him on screen is a close up shot of his face and it’s supposed to serious, but I busted out laughing.  His stupid facial expression caught me as something I would see on Saturday Night Live.  Terrible.  That shot instantly pulled me right out of the story and told me I was sitting in a theater nursing a drink and shoveling down popcorn.

 

It's sad really, because the opening sequence is heart felt and sad, and looks to push you into all kinds of emotions.  Instead, you get this “ham & egger” who looks like he should be posing for Mad TV.

"You're telling me, I have to stick this up my nose?"

 

I wonder—where do I remember Oyelowo from?  Oh, yeah…he was the only crap that came out of “Rise of the Planet of the Apes.”  He played the paper thin, bad guy who the reviews beat with the terrible-acting stick.  So, whoever did the casting for Jack Reacher, must have saw his acting in the “RPA” and thought—“Man this guy is astounding, hey we have nothing but top notch acting in the film so far, so let’s bring the bar down one but throwing this guy in the film.”

 

To balance his terribleness, you have sweet Rosamund Pike, whose charm lights up any room she’s in.  So when Oyelowo and Pike are in a scene together you pretty much get average-acting.  Just try to look at her face, instead of his.

 

Anyway, throwing Oyelowo aside or under the bus, depending how harsh you want to be, the rest of the cast is perfect for their roles.  Everyone who read the Lee Child books went bananas over the short-comings of Cruise, but to be honest, the guy can do action.  By now its second nature, but this may have also hurt the film.

 

Let's face it, we've seen Tom Cruise do it all: Scale high buildings, shoot bad guys, jump from airplanes, dance in his underwear, and even have sex on a train, so he's only re-treading water we've seen a million times.  Since the movie didn't have extravagant sets or any spectacular stunts (he does drive a car relatively fast at one point) it left you with a "eh" feeling at the end.

 

The plot itself had no real twists I'd write home about, and I pretty much “called it” a little before half way through.  I do wish I had read the book to compare the two, but this one sneaked up on me and I think everyone else who isn't a Lee Child fan.

 

The Film has one of the best endings to a car chase I've seen in a while, and you could look forward to that if you want...what?  You already saw that?  Oh, yeah—they pretty much showed you the best sequence in the film, during the trailer.  Well, crap.  Now, what do I talk about...

 

Jack Reacher is a solid action film when it's the only thing left on the shelf to watch.  If you haven't seen it in theaters, I would wait until it's a rental or on TV.  Now if it's a choice between this or say...The Notebook, then definitely pick this up, because there's almost a non-existent love story in it, and it would make a great date-night movie.

 

A Solid 2.5 out of 5 stars (minus 2 stars for Oyelowo’s terrible acting & ½ star for Cruise’s shortness)

 

If you read this review and shrugged your shoulders, don’t worry I did the same.  It’s what happens when you have a mediocre film, you’re pretty much guaranteed a mediocre review.  To lighten things up a bit and make this review instantly better I have good news:

 

Justified returns this Tuesday at 10pm on FX.

There, didn’t that make everything better?  I thought so.