Smile, and then wait for the flash!
The Barnum and
Bailey rejects that have surfaced in Washington, are attempting to scratch the
violent media rash that's plagued our society for decades. If you haven't been paying much attention, I
don't blame you, in fact I applaud you. The
following work is ridiculous and is written to show exactly how foolish all
this crap really sounds. Enjoy.
Let
me start out by saying the effects of watching violent movies and playing
violent video games, are creating psychopaths right in my very own neighborhood. Why, just the other day there were a few
zombies just hanging out, minding their own business on my front lawn—and
really, how much trouble can zombies get into—shuffling around, enjoying the
fresh air when out of nowhere this sword wielding freak jumps out of the bushes
and starts hacking them to pieces. It
was horrible. Blood splatter and
decaying flesh stuck to my windows, brain matter sluggishly crawling down my
stone work. I'll never be the same
again, and the only conclusion I came up with: violent media. It's plagued our society for long enough and
it must be stopped.
Batter Up.
Let
me share a personal story that I haven't told anyone, ever:
A
few years back I was spending a perfectly good Saturday morning playing a violent
video game, like a normal individual. So
there I was, in my underwear, barrel of cheese balls snuggled into my crotch,
and bam—something clicked. I can't
really describe it, but it was like the perfect rule-following, society-loving
person died and just a crazed shell remained. My brain and my emotions suddenly
scrambled and I couldn't help but instantly jump up and run outside like a
feral beast looking for food.
I
heard a rumbling in the street about fifty feet away, and felt a shiver crawl
up my legs. I don't know why, but I ran
to my shed and grabbed the only gun I had laying around at the time. It's a hefty piece of equipment with
automatic/semiautomatic firing, and a chainsaw's chain wrapping around the
bottom of the barrel toward the trigger.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Man, that gun is already outdated, he’d be better off
with a full suit of armor that allows stealth, strength and speed." And right you would be my friend, but alas,
the chainsaw machine gun was all that hung in my shed that day.
A little off the top?
I
holstered that sucker between my waist and forearm and went plowing toward the
street. No one but me seemed to notice
the earth rattling, and I knew deep in my soul that only I would be able to
stop it. The rumbling I felt ceased for
a split second and then it happened. A
sink hole erupted in the middle of the street and a grotesque humanoid crawled
out.
Grrrr aghhh grrrr burp arghhh!
It
grunted and stuck its lip out at me. I
just snapped. Without thinking, I
serpentine toward the towering beast and let fly a volley of assault bullets that
tore the poor grunt down, but he hadn't fallen yet. He just crawled toward me with outstretched
hands. But I couldn't help myself; I
churned the chainsaw underneath the gun, the sheer power and sound thrilled me
to my core, and I ripped him clear in half.
The grunt’s body lay underneath my feet, split from head to torso in a
heap of flesh, acid blood and organs. I
raised the chainsaw machine gun high and howled at the sky. My breathing heavy and fast, and yet I felt
nothing. Looking at the faces staring at
me, an obscure human feeling rose up from my loins: shame. What did I do? And more importantly—why?
After
satisfying my urge to slaughter the grunt, I learned that he worked for a local
florist and was attempting to deliver some flowers right before I slayed him. It's a stain on my record and on my heart and
I want to make a full apology to the grunt nation if I caused any type of harm
or loathing toward mankind.
Because
of this terrible mark on my record, when asked to save the galaxy from the
reapers, I gracefully declined. I just
stood there frozen, with a Johnny Walker in my hands and started shaking. Remembering Emergence Day rested too heavily
upon my shoulders. Fortunately, I do
hear a valiant Commander by the name of Shepard picked up my torch. All I can say is: I'm still here and the
world is still here, so he must have done something right. Apparently though, after all the decisions he
made along the way, nothing really mattered, and he just ended up dying
anyway. It's really sad when you think
about it.
We're here to stop the robots from stopping humanity, from stopping the robots.
All
these lessons I've learned, I took and stored away in my torture chamber—the
same place I use to play violent video games—and realized that there's a lesson
to be learned. Violent video games or
any violent media, are bad for people, and create psycho tendencies in
perfectly healthy humans that ruin our almost perfect society. Video games shouldn't feature blood, aliens,
death-dealing robots or vampires. They
should feature rainbows and butterflies and whales and panda bears.
There, don't you feel better already?
So
needless to say, I burned all those brain melting games, just like the Nazis
did books, and I'm happier for it.
Well,
this action created more people jumping on board, because sometimes a person
just wants to feel involved in anything,
and together our small but mighty neighborhood had one heck of a video game
bonfire going. See, some people just
decided that all games were bad and burned anything they had, and really...can
you blame them?
It's
really been peaceful since. Not one
crazy video game freak has done anything to ruin our perfect society. Why, the other day a zombie was walking the
street and a little girl offered up her ice cream to him; a kind gesture that
made all our citizens proud. Not to
mention the zombie. He was so thankful,
he ate the ice cream and then just continued right on up her arm, and now
little Jenny is a walking, talking, flesh-eating zombie too. And her father couldn't be more delighted.
Hi, big daddy!
You
would think that since our town is doing so well, we would have no further
improvements to make. You'd be
wrong. I personally instituted a drug
program that will remove all emotions
from society, and heading up the law enforcement branch will be an actor named,
Christian (though he is fascinated with gun-kata, weird right?). We're all very happy.
Hope
you have a wonderful day, and if there's one moral to take from all this,
please remember: zombies, aliens, robots and grunts are people too. Oh, and video games are bad, bad, bad.
______________________________________________________________________________
The above piece
is to be read only as satire, and is in no way to be construed to make
fun of any tragic events, recent or in the past. We aim to make you and ourselves laugh, because
if we don't, we’re afraid we'll cry. We
also believe that love, caring and faith starts at home with every parent. It's not the act of telling someone you love
them, it's showing them that you love them. Our hearts go out to all victims in any
crime. And those souls, who have been
lost, will forever remain in our prayers.
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