DVD Movie Review - Trouble with the Curve

Even at 154yrs. old, Clint Eastwood is still the type of guy I wouldn't want to tangle with in a dark alley.  Sure, maybe not all his organs work properly anymore—which the film has fun pointing out—but he'll still smash your face in, rip off your head, and crap down your throat.  After which, he'll enjoy a nice cigar and reminisce about the lovely experience he just had with your face.

You looking at me, boy?

STORY:

Trouble with the Curve is about a hard-as-nails father/baseball scout, trying to deny old age, while keeping his estranged daughter at a firm distance.  His contract is up in three months with the baseball team and his health may be affecting his scouting judgment.  His lovely daughter, who he hasn't had a conversation longer than a few sentences with in years, decides to tag along while he scouts out a player for the organization.  Craziness ensues.

THOUGHTS:

It felt like the part of Gus was written specifically for Clint Eastwood as he slips into the character nicely.  The movie starts by making jokes involving Clint's age and the I-don't-give-a-crap attitude he possesses.  And then progresses into why he might be a solid scout, but a terrible father. 

In steps the sweet Amy Adams, Gus's estranged daughter.  Amy portrays a rough and tough lawyer when you first meet her, but then the veil slowly slips away, and her true form reveals itself in the latter acts.  Another example of perfect casting, as Amy Adams' experience helps the movie shine when the legend that is Eastwood is not on the screen.

You fell for Timberlake--really?  You just dropped two points in the good-looking scale for that.

And then the casting department decided to throw a curveball that only connects with your genitals, instead of your bat.  Take a base.  And you may want some ice.

The role of an ex-baseball pitcher comes in the form of a pop-singing, midget named Justin Timberlake.  Every time I see his face, it makes me think I'm watching some teen, sex romp, about a guy who slept with a thousand women just to realize the female friend who has been living right next door and cooking him eggs, is his one true love.  Warms my heart.

Does Justin look like a major league pitcher to you?

We said: "You suck!"

Someone just said he sucks.  

"Don't worry, you suck too."  

Phew, I feel better.

What the hell happened here?  Were the executives trying to appease a certain younger audience casting him?  Whether you think he's baseball material or not, his goofy face is in your face for a large percent of the movie.  Fail.

With all the acting experience and qualifications, I guess the producers had to even up their quota by throwing him in the mix.  Either that or there just wasn't much money left over, so they picked up whatever crap was left hanging around.

Now, even though I said he didn't fit the part, doesn't mean he made the movie bad.  The dialogue is nicely written and the plot unfolds throughout the movie, gradually.  Justin did his job the best he could, but I couldn't get past who he is and how I feel like whacking him in the face with a shovel.  Hey, not everybody can make you happy in life.

You know casting was just filling a quota with you--right? 

The person who looked like he was having the most fun on set and in character is Eastwood.  Cursing, kicking furniture, roughing guys up, being a smart-ass, and then occasionally softening up to let a little emotion in his voice.  Oh, and he sings too.  I'm not saying it’s good, I'm just saying he sings too.

By about a half hour in—and considering the title—if you’re paying any attention at all, you can pretty much call how the movie will end.  There aren’t any curveballs in the plot, but sometimes a movie doesn't have to surprise you to enjoy it.  Most dramas today have such a depressing moral and sour ending that when you finally turn off your movie player, you immediately write your Will, and then get in your car looking for the closest bridge to jump off of—this movie does the exact opposite.  When it’s all said and done you’re left with a smile on your face and no regrets with spending two very valuable hours of your life watching it.

HOW TO MAKE IT EVEN BETTER:

Easy—make Clint look more like this:

Go ahead, make my day. 

Any movie could always be improved upon.  So, considering that fact—and the fact that I'm a little on the loose side, strapping a holster to Eastwood and having him gun down any idiot that gets in his way, would have been awesome.  But you can't win them all, I guess. 

MORE THOUGHTS:

All in all, The Trouble with the Curve is a solid baseball/father-daughter/love story, with a hint of humor.  Guys if you're smooth enough, you might just be able to slip this one in as a date-movie.  Women probably won't love it as much as Twilight or The Hunger Games, but they won't complain either.  And you'll actually have a movie you can sit down and enjoy. 

Now, if you don't like Clint Eastwood (you might want to check to see if you have a vagina) or baseball (its baseball, dude) or Amy Adams (again, check to make sure you don't have a vagina) or Justin Timberlake (this one we understand), then maybe you should rent the Notebook for the umpteenth time and spend the next few hours watching your girl cry, while you slowly realize your chance of getting any is deteriorating.

With perfect acting, good dialogue, and a well written script, The Trouble with the Curve is a no-brainer.

A Solid 3.5 out of 5 stars (minus 1 star for Justin Timberlake’s face and ½ a star for no gun-holster or poncho) 

Book Review - This Book is Full of Spiders

Amazon.com link

With LSD in hand, along with several different colored uppers and downers, I opened "This Book is Full of Spiders" expecting a ridiculous trip into Wongland, but what I received was just a web full of educated words.  This novel is the sequel to John Dies at the End; you can read our awesome review of that right here.

STORY:

The world of David Wong and his buddy, burn-out John, once again comes to life and this time they're dealing with a new breed of Zombie—The Spider Zombie.  Their town has been overrun by monsters that will eat your ass and your face, depending on their appetite.  It's up to Dave and John to save the town of Undisclosed and the world from utter demise.  Along the way, Dave gets incarcerated, while John gets intoxicated, and Amy—Dave’s girlfriend—spends her time trying to pick up the pieces.

 Huh? Spider-Zombies? Crap, I don't think we have any of those, but I can check.

THOUGHTS:

JDatE was a book full of zany mini stories, ridiculous horror sequences, and seemingly endless creativity.  It may not have made much sense as a whole, but it definitely brought life to the comedy horror genre.  With meat monsters, phone-sandwiches, and hysterical gamer scenes, there was a lot to love in the first book, even with its faults.

You want a side of ribs or...? 

This Book is Full of Spiders is written by the same author, who miraculously grew up and decided he wanted to be a writer.  Bummer.  The fans, who loved the first book with so many wacky, craptastic things happening in every other paragraph, will be scratching their heads and their balls, wondering if they bought the right book.  You might even spend some time turning it over in your hands with a confused and perplexing expression painted on your face.

Where the first book seemed geared toward the young twenty something’s looking for gross horror, farting demons, and gaming frenzies.  The second book is looking to make friends with the horror mainstream.  It’s sad, because the crazy over-the-top writing from the first is what made Mr. Wong stand out among the crowd, but now it seems, he’s just looking to fit in.  Fail.

Someone must have come in the room while Wong was writing it—say around the 100 page mark—and decided to beat him with a four foot, purple dildo, until he learned the English language and could construct a descend paragraph.  And just when you thought the book’s ending would mimic any other typical horror/thriller, Wong's slave-driver left for more lube, and the real Wong finished the book.

Check out my new field-hockey stick! 

Seriously, the beginning and the very end seem to be written by the young, creative, drugged-up Wong, while the middle was tapped out by an intellectual.  What the hell happened?  Did he run out of Soy Sauce in the middle?

You want to stick this where?

Instead of chapters, the book is broken into a count down to one event or another.  I'm guessing this is to add suspense and momentum.  Except I never really looked at the time limit as I read, and when the book begins to jump back in time and then forward again, and then back in time, and then switch perspective, and then go forward, and then back in time...I hardly knew where the hell I was at, and what was happening.

Like I said, the first book was all over the place too, but mainly it felt like separate silly stories, and not Back to the Future on crack, like this one.  The story would begin to take off, and then suddenly, you're thrown back in time in another perspective and the momentum is fired straight into a brick wall and left to die.  Kind of like a horny teenager just about to climax, and then the Internet goes down and you’re left holding your wang or Wong, with nothing to do.

 

I'm sorry if I fooled you, it's not my fault--did you see the 4ft. purple dildo? 

The silliness geared toward the gamer, I-just-want-to-have-fun attitude, was replaced in this novel with the, you-better-get-off-your-ass attitude and become something.  Is this a lesson trying to snake its way into a Wong novel?  But why?  I’m just here for laughs, Sir, no need to force lessons down my throat.  On top of that, you get the save-the-environment vibe here and there (which I’m really frigging tired of hearing—so, if I drive an electric car, somewhere in the world a butterfly gets its wings?  F--- off!  I have more important things to be worried about, like my job and paying the bills).  I don’t know about you, but I bought this book to forget the world’s woes and just enjoy myself while reading.  If I want to read crap, finger-painted to resemble words, I’ll go read a newspaper. 

Now look at what you’ve done, Wong, you’ve sent me on a tangent.  Getting back on track:

If you enjoyed the first book and are looking for more stories in that same universe, then check out "This Book is Full of Spiders."  It may not be the delinquent Wong we all fell in love with, but part of him is still alive in the story.  The sad thing is: he probably isn't coming back, so I'd get used to the more mainstream stories from now on.

2.5 out of 5 stars (minus 1.5 stars for the back-tracking and 1 star for the preachy crap)

Could the Next-Gen Consoles Suck?

The next generation consoles promise to tickle your crotch while you play, and any damage you sustain while button mashing will cross over into reality and allow you to feel the real effects of not staying in cover.  These are only rumors at the moment, but with the revealing of the next console generations so close, we felt as though it was time to talk about them.

With the Wii-U already out in stores and graphics about as good as the stone tablets the cave men used, we think it's safe to say, Nintendo will not even compete in the next generation console war.  Most of their base/sales have turned to mobile gaming, leaving the "real" gamers itching for more graphics, more violence and more games where you don't have to get up off the couch and jack-off a controller to play.  So, as Nintendo tries to design another console with terrible graphics that also toasts your bread, we’re here to discuss the real players in the game.

How about a tug?

Yes, there are rumors of several other companies attempting to enter the console fray, but until we see it, they're null and void.  That leaves only two: Sony and Microsoft.

We'll attack at first light and when they're down, kick 'em in the balls.

With that in mind, rumors upon rumors continue to circulate out in the great expanse of forbidden AI.  More graphic power—yes please.  Bigger games—yes please.  More online presence—yeah, I guess so.  More motion gaming—um, nope.  Constant connection to the Internet needed—now this is where we draw the line.

No Internet Allowed.

A lot of rumors have circulated, stating either the PS4 or the 720 will have to have constant Internet connections to prevent used or pirated games, or games that have jumped nationality from Cuba and have surfaced here in the states looking to start a new life.  Whatever the frigging reason, it's utterly ridiculous.  It might be the competition leaking these rumors, just to get people to hate one console or another.  But, there's also a chance this could be true.

  

So, are the two giants in the console market really that stupid to strip half of their sales due to having a constant Internet connection?  They might in fact, just be.

If you think about it, not everyone who owns a console has a broad-band connection.  So where do they come into the mix?  And not everyone wants to play online with people.  Most of us at P&P and our friends like the lone adventures, probably because we're older and don't feel like dealing with the 12yr. olds that have bad attitudes and trucker mouths, telling us we can lick their balls after they gunned us down for the umpteenth time.  That's certainly fun to hear, but after a while their squeaky voices, due to their balls not dropping yet, really start to pain your eardrums, and so you tend to yearn for the lone adventure.

So what if they really do it?  What if they really require a constant Internet connection?  
Simple: We don't play, which also means, we don't pay.

They want to limit used game sales, because the publishers are losing money and blah, blah, blah.  I don't want to hear how much it's costing to make a good game nowadays, or that publishers have to eat too.  It's a business, just like everything else in the world, if you can't handle it, then get out and go make toaster ovens or diamond studded dildos, instead of sitting on your asses and complaining like little girls. 

Nobody is buying my toaster ovens!

So why attack games with these limitations? 

You never hear about movie studios that are going to require Internet connections to watch their Blu-Rays.  Why is that?  Is it because the studios know everyone will instantly stop paying for Blu-Ray?  You damn right it is.  So why go after the gamers?  Is it mainly because we're simple folk, who are just looking to have a little fun and don't really want to start a ruckus?  Maybe. 

Gamers are anywhere from toddler-35yrs. and we know men even older that play.  The younger kids have parents that buy them games.  And the parents aren't involved in what’s happening in the next generation consoles.  They're just dragged to the store by their kids, who are screaming “Halo 25”, and most parents don't give a crap what kind of game it is, as long as it keeps their kid amused for a few hours, so mommy and daddy can have coke-sniffing, orgy parties while their kids are in the next room chain-sawing each other on-screen. (This is pure speculation, we at P&P have absolutely no facts to back anything up, and also…we don't give a crap) 

You hear thumping against the wall? Yeah, me neither.

Now the older crowd, like us, just doesn't want to be bothered.  We have enough frigging stress with bills, kids, wives, and jobs that we can't spend every waking moment complaining about constant Internet connections. (Hence this one and only article)  But here's where the fun comes in: if by some crazy chance that either company or both, decide to try that crap, they're not going to hear uproar as loud as they’ll feel it in their pockets.  The staff here all feels the same way: constant Internet connection means no new consoles.  We'll stick with our current stuff and turn to mobile gaming or the other rumored companies looking to make a console buck.  That's just how it's going to be.

How silly is a constant Internet connection anyway?  

When you buy a magazine—does it scan your eyeballs or genitals, to make sure you're the only one reading it?  No.  If they pulled that crap, no magazines would be bought.  You wouldn't even be able to lend your friend the new issue of Horny Housewives Humping Banana Throwing Dragon Riders.  And what kind of society would we be if we can't share porn?  Seriously though, you won't be able to lend your friend the game to see if he likes it, or take it to your friend’s house during a party…it'll just be a mess.  Some people have multiple Xbox’s in their house, and what: now you’re going to need multiple games?  What the hell is the gaming market coming to?  We blame EA.  They trashed the Mass Effect’s ending and now are slipping dirty ideas into the minds of console makers…shame on them, and the like.  Sorry, that might just be some knotted up hostility towards Shepard’s end game.

If publishers are so concerned with used games sales then they should stop complaining and do what you’re supposed to do: either, give incentives to buy new games or OPEN UP YOUR OWN ONLINE USED-GAME STORE. 

 It was nice knowing you. *Sniffle*

That’s what used to happen in this world: someone loses money because a competitor has a better idea, so that certain someone would try to outsmart their competitor or die trying.  A company never just sat on their ass and decided we’re going to complain and then screw the customer. 

That’s not how it works. 

But times have changed, and instead of Americans wanting to better themselves, they just sit around and cry about who owes them what.  Reality check, nobody owes you anything.  Nowadays, companies resemble children running around like sour a-holes suing one another.  Apple is suing Joe Blow, Joe Blow turns around and sues little Mary Buttercup, she huffs and puffs and cries and then sues Johnny Ballsack—it’s all very complicated and convoluted. 

The negligence and audacity of these companies is unbelievable.  Turning around and pushing your problems on your customers is like Burger King telling you—you’re going to eat whatever day-old, half-eaten, piss-soaked slop we serve you, and you’re going to like it.  And we’re lining up to buy the older, more eaten, more piss-soaked burger, because Burger King says it’s the next best thing. 

Another piss-burger, coming right up! 

Well, we don’t have to play their game.  People forget we’re in the driver-seat.  We dictate what kind of products should come out next, and what route the designers should take.  We don’t speak with our words or silly petitions, we speak with our wallets.  

If these consoles come out and require anything we don’t like, don’t spend the money.  After a year of terrible sales, the companies will quickly rethink their investments and revert back to what we have now.  If they don’t, they’ll simply slip into obscurity, to never be heard from again. 

Of course, the above plan could go right out the window if the gamer-drones of the world, just march to the store and buy whatever comes out.  But that would never happen, right?  Society is smarter than that…Right?  Hello?  Oh, forget it.

*Drops the megaphone and steps down from the languid soapbox*

The rage and terrible language of this article is based entirely on speculation, so all of the above problems could just be silliness to the millionth degree.  We hope these rumors aren’t true, but if they are, we’re ready.  Here’s to the next Xbox and Playstation…Hope you guys don’t frig it up.  

Book Review - Two Graves

Two Graves is the perfect example of how to take a rip-roaring, action-packed beginning, and after coming out of the first turn, shoot it directly in the foot.  Let me explain:

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!  Read at your own risk.  Actually, it’s not that bad: I spill a couple of major points here and there, but is that really going to stop you from reading this?  Didn’t think so, enjoy. 

Two Graves is the typical formula for a P&C novel: multiple points of view, semi-fantasy/reality, complaining cops, and an FBI agent who just does whatever the hell he wants, when he wants. 

P&C are at their best when they mix some funky history with fantasy and show people at their worst, best, and most frigged-up time in their life.  Recently though, Pendergast has been having a terrible go at it.  The man has had crappy uncles who dissect people, a brother who loves to give people brain-melting disorders, a wife who completely just sucks, and now children who are just plain weird.

STORY:

After suffering the tragedy of losing his wife, Special Agent Pendergast, spends two novels finding out Helen is alive and well—minus a hand.  At the end of Book 2 (Cold Vengeance), Pendergast finally gets to hold his wife's other hand.  He gets to look into her eyes, see her smile and then BAM; she’s ripped out of his grasp and taken away...again.  Well, this book picks up right there, at her abduction.  He spends the rest of his time tracking down the men that kidnapped her, sending him to Mexico, NY, and South America.

THOUGHTS:

Two Graves comes roaring out of the first turn, holding the lead by 23 lengths, then—Oh my goodness—a sniper bullet just tore its left foot apart and now it’s hobbling along.  And the jockey, well, he was thrown head first into the mud, only to be repeatedly stomped by other horses.

Yeah, it’s kind of like that.

The book itself is a tomb like most P&C novels, which doesn't concern me one bit, but to stuff it full of subplots for half of the novel pisses me off to no end.  I wouldn't care if the subplots intertwined with the main story and everything connected at the end, but no, you actually have subplots that are separate stories all together.  The only thing linking them is: these second rate characters know Pendergast.  That’s it.  Just like how you know your neighbor—now would you want someone including almost a whole biography of your neighbor in your biography?  Unless they played a major role in some part of your life…otherwise they would be about as important as a passing fart.

Reading the book became quite a jarring experience.  Action, action, drama, stop, stop, stop, action, stop, stop, boring, enough already, get back to the story, drama, stop, wholly crap this sucks, action, drama, stop, stop, end.  Doesn't read very well, does it?

Constance, Pendergast's ward, spends her time reading books and speaking with Dr. Felder, who takes it upon himself to really start looking into her past.  A past we already know and do not need further evidence to point out.  So Constance’s subplot/story really doesn’t frigging matter at all.  There are several chapters spent in the good doctor's head contemplating a break-in.  I was getting so fed up reading it, I found myself skipping paragraphs until something actually happened.  Oh, and Pendergast shows up at the hospital to talk to Constance for about two pages, which I guess is the attempt to connect the stories.

Corrie Swanson on the other hand, has mysterious papers that she ran off with, that she thinks are very important.  Cool, right?  She finds Pendergast and hands them to him—also very cool, and plot related.  But then he tosses her out on her ass and that's where the “Pendergast and Corrie” story ends and your eyes will start to glaze over.  The rest of the time is spent telling the story of Corrie with her estranged father.  Your thinking, "this is a Pendergast story, right?"  Well, apparently only the chapters divisible by three, every other chapter is just filler. 

What the authors should have done is released just the Pendergast story line as Two Graves and then released another novel called "Just Some Other Crap" that way people would have known what they were getting.

Now Pendergast's story is action packed, overly dramatized, and nowhere near believable—which is sometimes good and sometimes bad.  It starts with him helping the investigation of serial murders in NY and then leads to the ultimate enemy of the book.  Who you ask?  Well, who's responsible for all the woes in the world?  Who gets blamed for almost everything bad in movies, games, and books since the 1930's?  Who's into eugenics?  If you’re thinking the Sith, then it's safe to say you haven't been paying attention at all, and you can go back to surfing more news about J. J. Abrams directing Star Wars VII on the web.

 

I really have no idea why I'm here...No, seriously. 

For everyone else, if you said the Nazis, then ding, ding, ding, you'd be right!  The question is: has the Nazi thing been played out already?  If you answer no, then you'll enjoy the book; if you said yes, then maybe you should be surfing the internet for Star Wars news.

Hitler & his men, accept the award for biggest dick in the world. Circa 1940's 

Apparently, those silly Nazis are still living it up in South America, enjoying drinks with umbrellas and splicing human genes.  Silly Nazis.  Don't they know the war is over?  Not in this book.  Anyway, they have their own fort (yes I said fort, and no, it’s not made out of pillows or sheets) and protect it with their lives.  Pendergast must penetrate this blight on the world and destroy all of them once and for all.  Enter: his genetically altered son, who has the talent of sneaking around like a ghost, dodging bullets, and seeing the future. 

Things get a little crazy at this point, and I'm not talking wet T-shirt crazy, more like people dying everywhere crazy.  There's explosions, crazy needles, boating (yes, you saw that right—boating), army officers, flooding, and a father and son love-story caught in the middle.

The writing as always with P&C is top notch.  They know how to create tension and stretch reality without breaking it.  But the subplots are what killed this novel for me.  In some crazy way, I was continually hoping they would somehow intertwine, but alas, I left holding my Johnson with no bowl in sight. 

In the end, if you don't mind several different stories happening at once, and find no problem with waiting a few chapters before getting back to the main plot, then this book is for you.  Any trouble with the above and I'd say hold out until you can get it from the library.  And then if you don't like it, you don't have to beat yourself over the head with it for throwing away money you could have spent on food or video games or porn (I know, no one really pays for porn anymore, it just sounded good when read, okay?) or strippers or a new baboon or—you get the point.

2.5 out of 5 stars (minus 1.5 stars for random short stories and a star for the over-cooked Nazi presence)