Parker
started out with a firm grasp into the action genre, but then the inclusion of “Jenny from the block” crushed any hopes
of this film rising above mediocrity—or crap, depending on which word you
prefer.
"Lalalala, I can't hear you...lalalalalala."
I said J-Lo wants to be in your movie! Will someone please take those jumper-cables away from him.
CAUTION! WARNING!
Spoilers will be
spilt from here on out, because without mentioning story plots and ideas, this
review would not be funny or informative or even slightly entertaining—just a
jumble of words with no reasoning behind them.
And since we're always looking to educate and back-up our thorough
opinions here on P&P, we will move forth with a spoiler ridden review. Also, since Statham movies are not known for
extreme depth or puzzling plots, we feel as though you may still be able to
enjoy (using
that word loosely) the film even after
reading this in-depth review. Please
enjoy your stay, and try not to view this blog after any porn. Someone keeps getting the posts all sticky,
and even though it’s understandable, it’s still very nauseating.
"Olay!"
Moments later, Mr. Statham finally realized he wasn't fighting a bull at all.
STORY:
Parker
(Jason Statham) spends his time
pulling heists with his girlfriend and girlfriend's father. His latest job has Parker working with 4
other idiots who nobody seems to know.
When Parker's heist rules are broken and the job goes south, action
revenge scenes and silly interludes with J-Lo ensue.
Miss J-Lo, Ma'am, we've had this shot for days--how many times does Jason have to rub
his fingers along your back before we can move on?
THOUGHTS:
As
soon as Statham came on screen disguised as a Priest, the first thing that
popped into my head was: "This guy
needs to play Hitman in a new updated movie version of the beloved game.” And you don't even need to shave his head—it's
already done. Not only did his
mannerisms, dialogue, or physique scream Hitman, but the way he disappeared
into a crowd more than once in the movie, shows the potential is already there. They just need a really great writer to slam
dunk the script…call me, a little time has opened up in my schedule—just
saying. Anyway:
Agent 47, your prime objective is a 40-something washed-up Ms. Lopez and a secondary
objective named Nolte, a.k.a. Mumbles.
The
opening sequence of events really had potential, mixing slight comedy with
mystery and thriller tones. The film
doesn't waste any time getting into the plot, which I prefer, and the set-up
for the heist looked well written and thought-out. Then the whole twist thing happens, and even
though it feels like they're kicking a dead horse here, and then pretty much raping
it too, the twist still came off as typical Statham action. At this point, I was thinking this could turn
out to be a really decent action movie—you know "Statham Standard.”
And
then the camera cuts to a hung-over, 40 something, Jennifer Lopez. And if there is any hint out there that this
may be her come-back role, let me squash that rumor right now. She stinks.
Worst then the kid everyone called pig-pen in high school, who didn't
shower, cut his hair, or change his clothes for a month. The kind of stink that lingers in the air 24
hours after the source has left the building—the type of foul odor that
actually clings to another person and eats away at their clothing. Now, imagine all that…and then beat that
smelly kid with a sack full of crap, and you'll get pretty close to her awfulness
on screen.
Excuse me, Mr. Statham, Sir...we're going to need a bigger car to fit all that hat.
Seriously
though, you could cut every one of her scenes and still have the same movie in
the end, just less annoying, and not as long.
The only help her character provided Parker was the estate’s name,
selling the jewels. Now, are you going
to tell me an estate is auctioning off 75 million buckaroos worth of jewels and
the local paper isn't carrying that story?
Pfft. Whatever. So, cut all her scenes and now all we need to
shoot is a 5 second scene of Statham looking in a paper finding this out. Oh, wait a minute…there's already a scene
with him looking in the paper, don't even need to do that. How much money did I just save
production? Again, call me for script
re-writes, I'm available. What I'm
trying to say is her character felt forced and really unnecessary, not to
mention her horrific acting that was taking place.
"Oh Jason, tell me you'll rub that massive hat all over my greased-up naked body."
Someone
call Nick Nolte's agent or neighbor or something, because I think he swallowed
a gerbil right before filming, and nobody told him. With more froth and bubbles than consonants,
you’re going to need subtitles and then a special decoder-ring to understand
what the hell he's saying. There should
at least be some kind of requirement when hiring an actor for a vocal role,
like…I don't know, being able to speak, sounds important. I swear, when he was talking, every once in a
while you'd see a marble fall out. It
was as if the producers thought no one would actually watch the movie
anyway. So they'd just have him mumble nonsense
and then yell cut and go have a cheesesteak with onions. But, was he a necessity to the film? Other than moving the plot along with a
little dialogue (I'm using that word
loosely) he wasn't a major cog in the story machine.
"One more unintelligible word out of your mouth, and I'll rip your head off
and crap down your throat. Understand? And don't give me that look either!"
Now
if you put aside Jenny from the block, and disregard Mumbles, there actually
might have been a decent action movie here.
Michael Chiklis is the only serious actor that showed up on set, among
the other four heist partners, but that's okay, because they're just there for
Statham to kick their teeth in. Parker's
girlfriend (Emma Booth) held her own
in the scenes with Statham, and provided the "real" aspect of the
"Parker" character. You don't
want the entire film to be about kicking people's teeth in, do you? No, we need a little depth here and there…maybe…sometimes…oh,
screw it, who are we kidding?
"If you idiots don't stop your yapping back there, I will turn this car around. Do you hear me?"
The
action sequences aren't martial art based—there are one or two spots where Statham pulls a smooth move—but the
majority of action filth comes from gunning people down or breaking their noses. I'm not saying that we don't want to watch a
dude get four bullets in his chest or a gun clip jammed in his neck, but a
little more Statham finesse would have been nice.
"Thought the movie would be decent, didn't ya? Gotcha!"
CONCLUSION:
Parker
had the potential to be at least a "B" list action film, including
everything we junkies like in action filth.
Instead it feels more like a mess once the initial scene is passed. Fortunately, I'm pretty sure Statham will be
in another 100 or so movies from now until his career careens off a cliff, so
I'm certain we'll get at least one more good movie in there somewhere...if
we're lucky, maybe even two.
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