2012 Year End Movie Bonanza! Part: 2

 

If you haven’t read Part 1 it’ll be right below this one.  Oh, you linked to this and are too lazy to find it yourself…fine, click here: PART ONE

This is the last part to the bonanza, so take it in slowly, savoring every syllable on your tongue, because you won’t see it again for another twelve months.  Have fun.

 

That Nick Cage Movie:

SEEKING JUSTICE

 

There’s always one, right?  Well, this year we were graced with two Cage movies.  The runner-up you probably recognize, but Seeking Justice snuck under the radar and it’s a shame too, because it’s actually not a bad Cage film.  Someone does something unspeakable to his family and he wants justice.  In steps a cult that’ll do just that for him, but he’ll owe them a favor. 

Apart from his hair, the rest of the film actually resembles a story with a plot and everything.  It seems so rare nowadays that I can’t even begin to judge this film with other films.  It has to live in its own category and receive its own awards, but really, Nick Cage deserves his own category by now, which is why he’s got his own award.

 

Runner Up:

GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE

 

Man, you were just hoping that this installment of the franchise that he himself worked hard to get done, would have been good.  But alas, it’s just another Cage film with really bad story telling.  Someone has to pry this franchise out of his greedy little fingers because he’s killing it.  On a side note, there’s video up on youtube of him doing a few scenes without the Ghost Rider special effects and they’re scarier than the actual movie scenes.  What happened to the Con Air Nick Cage that once was?

 

Best Non-Historical Historical Movie:

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER

 

Aside from being pretty darn close to actual historic events (as stated in the very beginning of the film)—I think Lincoln did more Werewolf killing in his time, but I guess the history depends on who is telling it—it’s not a bad film at all.  It has a very tall man with an even taller hat, crazy vampires that kill anything, but can’t kill each other, and you’ll learn: swinging an axe enough times leads to being able to chop a 2 foot diameter tree down with one blow.  There’s a cool scene with horses and a train segment that’s fun to watch.  If you’re looking to waste a few hours and don’t care how you do it, why not learn a little about one of our Presidents, and watch this while dipping your hand in a bag of Cheetos.

 

Worst Casting:

KRISTEN STEWART: SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN

 

I don’t know about you, but when I look at Kristen Stewart the first thing I see in her is a warrior.  Especially those behind the scene shots where she’s smoking a cigarette, like she’s trying to suck her whole face up into her mouth.  Sexy—if I’ve ever seen it. 

Everyone else in their respected roles fit perfectly.  Charlize Theron rocking the bad witch—sexy, the ugly dude who played her pedophile-looking brother and Hemsworth as the hero…everyone a perfect fit.  Then some a-hole had to go and find the one girl, who not always looks like a girl (see Panic Room), and cast her as the main heroine.  You had one job!  What the hell happened?

 

Best Casting:

MARK RUFFALO as Bruce Banner: THE AVENGERS

 

Think about this: could you see anyone else playing Bruce Banner in the Avengers?  Anyone?  No, because he completely killed the role.  He played the scientist perfectly, and there’s really no way else to put it.  There’s a scene where Black Widow finds Banner hiding out and she tells him they need his help with a Tesseract cube and he says “What’s he (Nick Fury) want me to do, swallow it?”  A small subtle line like that had me falling out of my chair.  He delivered it precisely as he should have.  The reviews said the Hulk stole the show, but Ruffalo stole every scene he was in too.  Even from the likes of Downey Jr.

 

Runner Up:

TOM HARDY: LAWLESS

 

If you haven’t seen Lawless, you should.  Tom Hardy plays the rough and tough brother of three.  And he’s not over-the-top.  The character is laid back and Hardy does a fantastic job with his mannerisms.  There are scenes where he doesn’t even have a line and you know what he’s thinking.  This is just great casting.  After you watch the movie, again just like above, you can’t see anyone else playing the role.  I’m excited to see what he does with Sam Fisher in the Splinter Cell movie based on the video game.  With him cast as the headliner, at least that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about.

 

Worst Movie Advertising:

THE GREY

 

So you saw that trailer where Liam Neeson looks like a badass about to fight some wolves, right?  And you were like me—“Damn this looks like ‘Taken’ out in the wilderness.”  I couldn’t wait.  I read some reviews where they said the movie could get a little slow or it’s really different from the trailer and damn—that’s putting it nicely.  This movie is not about Liam Neeson using his martial art skills to take down a pack of wolfs, and no, he doesn’t use his lightsaber either.  It’s just a bunch of guys who get stuck out in the woods and have the make the best of what they got, and oh—there are some wolves.

 

Biggest Surprise Movie:

MOONRISE KINGDOM

 

Corky, funny, silly, innocent, witty, youthful, playful, outrageous, and amusing is how I would describe this movie.  I didn’t have high hopes at all when I plopped it in my Blu-Ray player, and thank God, because it made it that much better.  The young girl plays her part perfectly, but the little boy is whole show.  Without him you have nothing.  The plot and story was so unexpected and ridiculous it really caught me by surprise (hence the award, duh?).  If you haven’t seen this, there really isn’t anything not to love here.  It’s a budding relationship between two youths that has innocence written all over it.  All they want to do is love each other and get married, and at one point they kind of do.  That’s all I’m saying, now go watch it.  It’s really good as a date movie too, so guys don’t pound your head against the wall if your better half picked this one up, you’ll like it.

 

Runner Up:

DARK SHADOWS

 

I really thought the retelling of Barnabas Collins’ story was going to be so bad I’d turn it off half way through.  Tim Burton’s movies have become clichés, always looking and feeling the same without much difference between them.  If you take all the Burton movies and splice them together, you might just get one huge opus that just rambles on.  Don’t let me mislead you; this movie has Burton written all over it.  Even the love interest at the end, remarkably looks like Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas.  And Helena Carter once again makes an appearance. 

Dark Shadows had a story that kept me interested and at times made me laugh out loud.  The vampire parts (killings and bloodsucking) are extraordinarily bloody and gruesome.  The plot itself wasn’t as campy as first thought and by the end I actually felt for the character Barnabas.  Something I haven’t done in a Tim Burton movie in a very long time.  If you like horror/comedies, Dark Shadows might just be your cup of tea.

 

THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN

 

You can see the review of this one here.  With all the hype of it being more recycled garbage, Marc Webb managed to squeeze a pretty good character-driven love-story in the movie.  Garfield and Stone were perfect on screen together and Sheen, Field & Leary made the secondary characters worth watching.  Just like in our review, Rhys Ifans and the Lizard were paper thin, so here’s to hoping the next addition is worth watching.  With Jamie Foxx set to play Electro, my hopes of these rebooted movies have dropped significantly.  I was hoping for a better villain, even if they would have been already trekked.

 

MAN ON A LEDGE

 

One man, one ledge, and two hours of story, sounds pretty frigging boring if you ask me.  A movie set in one spot with the public watching, made me think of Phone Booth.  But surprisingly, I actually found a story wedged somewhere in there.  Worthington doesn’t bring to mind the best films you’ve seen, so with his block-acting and a camera fixed on a ledge, I thought this would be another movie I’d turn off. 

Watch it.  That’s all I have to say.  Jamie Bell and the gorgeous Mandy Gonzalez add extra spice to a film that could have been bland.  And the plot and backstory make this one worth a viewing, if not two.  Oh, and there’s this scene where Gonzalez squeezes into this outfit…you won’t forget it, I haven’t, and it’s been months.

 

Best Animated Movie:

PARANORMAN

 

Our review of this one can be read here.  What can be said about a stop-motion film like ParaNorman.  The Artists on board put their lives and loves into this one, and it shows.  They went so far as animating specs of dirt and drops of saliva.  With the amount of work poured into this movie, there’s no way you can’t respect it, even if you hate the theme.  It has a great moral throughout and a story that sucks you in.  I recommend the DVD/Blu-Ray for the behind the scenes featurettes/bonuses, they’re excellent and show the work that went into this one.  With all that, there’s no way this wasn’t the best animated film of 2012.

 

Best Choreographed Action Movie:

SAFE

 

You can read our review of this one here.  Best Statham movie I’ve seen recently: great story, excellent character developments, and kick-ass action.  I’ve heard interviews where Statham has stated that “work is work” and if they’re willing to hire him, he’ll do the movie, regardless of the story.  So, he’s a working man looking for a paycheck—so what?  Isn’t everyone?  Thank goodness they threw this film his way.  The action is brutal and in your face.  No fancy schmancy bull-crap here, every move is meant to break a bone and crush the opponent.  The fight on the train is a perfect example.  If you haven’t seen it and like action, then stop reading this and go rent this sucker right now.

 

The Movie that just shouldn’t have been made:

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

 

With the shrimp Josh Hutcherson, who’s known for acting like a perfectly crafted two by four, and Hudgens, whose claim to fame is sending under-age naked photos to her boyfriend and having them end up all over the web, where could this one go wrong?  Oh, and the Rock sings…good God make it stop.  Luis Guzman shows up for a paycheck and acts as though he hasn’t read the script or knows exactly what the movie is about and Alfred himself (Michael Caine) pops in to show you how far to the bottom of the barrel one can fall after the Dark Knight.  This movie might be worth watching if your better half promised you oral after it ended or maybe with a stomach full of enough beer to make the room spin…might be.

 

Runner Up:

WRATH OF THE TITANS

 

Worthington, Worthington…Worthington.  Oh, and the story sucks too.

 

Best Sci-Fi Movie:

LOOPER

 

Joseph Gordon Levitt is one of the best actors of his generation.  There are only a few solid, young guys that you can always count on to give their best, and JGL is one of them.  With excellent writing & directing from Rian Johnson, I expected this to be good and it delivered.  If you’ve only seen the trailers, then you have no idea what this film is truly about. You’re saying Time-Travel right?  Wrong.  There’s even a scene where the two main characters express to the audience how silly thinking about time-travel really is, and instead tell you to focus on the story at hand.  With a somewhat grounded plot and Willis, and Emily Blunt (the girl I will someday marry) as secondary characters you have nothing to fear.  If sci-fi is your addiction then renting this come the end of December should be on your to-do list.  If you don’t know what to expect from either Rian Johnson or JGL then look into “Brick”, a corky, dialogue heavy, drama/mystery that will make your head spin.

 

Most Self-Aware Horror Movie:

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

 

Our review can be read here.  The master Joss Whedon treats you to his version of horror.  Why is this film self-aware?  Because it attempts to show you exactly what every horror film tries to pass off nowadays as horror, and makes it fun and refreshing while he does it.  If you’re expecting the same old over-worked dialogue and plot, then you’re in for a treat.  Sure it seems that way at first, but things drastically make a turn for the unexpected and you’ll be in the edge of your seat either laughing or hiding by the end.  This film also gets the Best Horror award; we just didn’t feel like making another category.  So there!

 

Most Self-Aware Comedy/Drama:

SEVEN PSYCOPATHS

 

Again, a movie that knows it’s making fun of itself, and does so in style.  Is there comedy? Yep.  Is there drama?  Yep.  Is most of the movie ridiculous?  Yep.  Should I go and see it?  Only if you’re into over-the-top goofiness, with a side of gruesome.  This film starts one place and ends somewhere totally different.  The actor that made me see this movie is Sam Rockwell, I really can’t get enough of his eccentric, nutty persona—it makes me laugh every time.  Christopher Walken is Christopher Walken, which is never a bad thing, and Colin Farrell attempts to be the drunken word of wisdom throughout.  Was there a little too much hype on this one’s greatness?  I think so.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a solid film but I expected a little more.  What puts it above and beyond and graced it with an award is the way it knows how ridiculous it really is.  If you liked “In Bruges” then this one is right up your alley.

 

Best Acting that was Overlooked:

RYAN REYNOLDS: SAFE HOUSE

 

Nobody ever talks about this one, why?  It has frigging Denzel in it…Denzel, hello!  I thought this movie was great and as always, Denzel is at the top of his game.  There’s a scene at the end where he’s really not feeling too well and his mannerisms get me every time.  But we’re not here for what’s expected, we’re here for what’s not.  Ryan Reynolds coming off of the disaster “Green Lantern” and comedic brilliance in “The Change-Up” delivers a heart-wrenching performance as a young naïve CIA agent, making blunder, after blunder.  People usually don’t associate Reynolds with drama, but he delivered.  His performance was top notch throughout the film and made you care for him instantly.  You wanted him to succeed and actually become friends with a dangerous man.  Oh, and he’s not too bad with action either, but that was expected.  Safe House is a solid action/drama that had a great story and first-rate acting throughout.   If you haven’t seen it, it won’t disappoint.

 

Best Independent Film that No One Watched:

LOOSIES

 

You’re probably thinking: “Where the hell did this one come from?”  And that’s perfectly normal.  Sometimes you see a movie for what it is: just a really solid story.  There are no special effects or crazy action or anything that really makes it standout.  So why the heck am I watching it?  For the story, silly.  It’s written really well.  It starts off with a scene that confuses and makes you interested in what’s going on, and then it does what most films have difficulty doing: it explains everything by the end.  It’s written by the star, Peter Facinelli, who I haven’t seen since he explained someone called him a “fag” in “Can’t Hardly Wait.”  If you so much as mention the films you’re thinking I will stop this article right now!  Good, let us move on.

Jaimie Alexander (Sif from Thor) co-stars as the sweet and innocent, yet troubled girlfriend.  This film has feelings, hijinks, hysterical dialogue, heart-felt performances and even a couple of minutes of Michael Madsen, running around as a cop, whose current state in law enforcement is the laughing-stock of the department.  No need to rent this one if you have pay channels because it’s currently floating around in one of them.  If you sometimes like the low-budget indie film that has more to offer in its characters than set designs, check this one out.

 

Most Visceral & Violent:

DREDD

 

If you’re looking for extreme violence, mixed with blood and guts getting torn out, and you want that all wrapped up in slow motion, then Dredd is your movie.  Does it have a great plot?  Are you really watching it for the plot?!  Well, how’s the acting then?  The acting exists for about 8 minutes in the hour and half running time and when it’s there I guess it’s pretty solid.  So why the hell am I watching it?  For the crazy slow motion bullet time that completely rips people’s faces apart and only asks that you smile in return.

I can’t deny I enjoyed this film.  It’s just a man and his psychic partner, climbing a tower, blowing up people along the way on each floor to get to the top and take out the leader.  That’s it.  If you don’t mind something so simple and enjoy skin getting ripped to shreds, then don’t hesitate, pop this in the player and get ready to be sickened.  I admire Urban for not once taking off his helmet.  Either he was really into the role or he felt that if he did people wouldn’t watch it.  Whatever the reason, it works.  Well done.

 

Best Movie:

THE AVENGERS

 

We finally have come to this award.  What can I possibly say that hasn’t already been said?  Recent videos have popped up on youtube claiming the wrongs of this film, but really—who gives a crap?  I thought the past summer and year would go to the “The Dark Knight Rises”, because let’s be real, writing a movie with that many characters and that many named actors can only lead to dribble right?  Wrong. 

Taking the helm was fanboy, Whedon, who drove this sucker all the way home.  It had thrills, action, laughs, and some of the greatest fights (among themselves) that I always hoped would happen and they actually did.  What happens when Thor brings the hammer down on Cap?  Shown.  What happens when Iron Man gets electrocuted by Thor’s lightning?  Shown.  What would happen if the Hulk went up against Loki?  Oh, that one brought the most laughing I’ve ever heard in one theater…ever.  Would Captain America and Iron Man get along if they were in a room together?  Shown.  Shown, shown, shown. 

Whedon took what couldn’t be done, and f*cking knocked it out of the park.  This movie is hands-down the best movie of the year.  Even some elderly folk I know went to see it in theaters several times, and they can barely get up off the sofa or out of bed.  If you haven’t seen it—which I really don’t think is possible by now, but you never know with some of the crazy people in the world—do yourself and everyone else a favor, see it, damn it!

 

Runner Up:

SKYFALL

 

Skyfall was an excellent movie and you can read our review here.  Sadly, it went up against “The Avengers” and they were too mighty for even 007.  If the Avengers didn’t happen this year, this movie is the clear win.  We have said all that’s needs to be said in the review so go and check it out.  This Bond is one of the best, bringing the core of the character down to the rawness that was needed.  He also took some cues from the Dark Knight, I hear.

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

So that’s it, that’s all we have.  If you were expecting more, then you’re frigging crazy—haven’t we done enough?  I hope you enjoyed our little trek through memory lane.  And maybe there was one or two on the list you didn’t see and now are looking forward too. 

Have a Happy New Year from the P&P staff and here’s to 2013, hoping it’ll top this year and not flop-out on us.

2012 Year End Movie Bonanza! Part: 1

Disclaimer:  This title is just a way for us to revisit the movies we hated and movies we loved.  All the awards from here out are strictly made up for our own amusement, and this does not and will not ever reflect or have any association with actual Movie awards…ever, we’re not kidding.  So, sit back and take the plunge back in time with us.

 

Some people look at 2012 and see one of the biggest years for movies—release of The Dark Knight Rises and the monumental Avengers—others will look back and see a year full of remakes (Total Recall & Red Dawn Etc.) and dribble, showing just how dried up Hollywood has really become.  And looking at the rotten economy, the major studios don’t want to take those risks that would be normalcy, they want sure bets, so for better or worse, let’s look back at some of crap and absolute gems we sat through this year.

 

Worst Book 2 Movie Adaptation:

JOHN CARTER

 

With a plot that was created by taking clichés, pinning them to a wall and throwing darts.  A lead actor who's famous for bringing movies down to the bottom rung of sales, and a screenplay that could have been better if 5 year olds took out Crayola crayons and adapted the book…what's not to love about John Carter? 

Taylor Kitsch played the title character just as Edgar Rice Burroughs intended: a perfectly modeled block of wood.  Adding to the movie's grace was Andrew Stanton who proclaimed the source material stayed perfectly intact.  The movie was so far from the book they should have named it Stars Wars VII and just be done with it.  Thankfully Stanton at least was able to copy and paste some of the book's names and places into the script without too much error.  I've never been so ashamed of the Princess of Mars in my life.  The good thing is they didn't call the movie that, so in 5 years we could be looking at a possible reboot.

 

Movie Franchise that has to pack it up:

THE EXPENDABLES 2

 

Not only did we get to see washed up action stars in one movie, but this year we received another just like it.  And from what I hear, a third is on the way.  Most of the actors in the film needed a walker to keep them from falling over, and the story was so bad it almost brought back Van Damme's career, which was resting happily under Bloodsport.  It was funny at first, but now they're just beating a dead horse or dead actors, depending on how you look at it.

 

The unwatched Movie with a hot actress:

UNDERWORLD AWAKENING

 

Beckinsale is one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood, but not even her perfectly shaped hips wedged inside tight leather could save this one.  It might have been the fact that it really didn't have an ending or maybe it was the terrible plot, or lack thereof.  Kate really should be running in the opposite direction of this franchise, but how they left it, it seems she might be already involved in another.  I didn't even pay to see this movie and I want my money back.

 

Worst movie promo:

HAYWIRE

 

Hey, I have an idea, let's get an actual female boxer, who can't act worth-a-sh*t and make her the star of an action film.  I don't know if it’s the director's fault or what?  Because when I think about it, all the actors in the film looked like they showed up for the paycheck and forgot they were shooting a movie.  Even Fassbender’s scene—which was heavily shown in the trailers because it was really the highlight of the film—felt cold, as if they shot it one time and just decided whatever they had was good enough.  Yes, Gina Carano can kick your ass in real life, but that doesn't mean she can act.  Keep her in Hollywood as a stunt-woman, but don't ever give her a line again.

 

Worst Robot Movie:

BATTLESHIP

 

Brooklyn Decker is smoking and giant robot aliens that change into super charged wrecking-balls are cool, but two words can some up this tanker: Taylor Kitsch.  Enough said.

 

The movie that we’re ashamed to say we saw:

ROADIE

 

There’s nothing like wasting a few hours of your life watching a guy acting like he's wasting several years of his.  This was one of those movies that you had to finish once you started just to see how something that awful will end.  It’s a shame too, because Ron Eldard was excellent in Sleepers and Mystery Alaska, but the performance and the story was as good as old Chinese food: looks and seems like a good idea and might even taste decent going down, but you know in the end you’re going to be paying for it.

 

Best Sci-Fi concepts/environments:

TOTAL RECALL

 

You can read my review of this one.  Total Recall surprised the crap out of me.  The backdrops and futuristic ideas, props, and environments are enough to keep me coming back.  With a lead actor who gave it his all, and two beautiful leading ladies (Beckinsale & Biel), this film almost had it all, if it weren't for that remake problem.  They need to gather up all the artists that worked on this one and throw an original script at them…please.

 

Biggest Movie Disappointment:

PROMETHEUS

 

The problem with this one and the rest of the movies on this list is the hype that was built up beforehand.  It completely and utterly destroyed the expectations I had going into these movies.  Seriously, Ridley Scott taking the helm—all people could do was compare it with Alien, and don’t get me wrong, the film had its moments.  I almost made a “best use of a C-Section” category for it, but decided to just mention it here.  Noomi Rapace and the rest of the crew of Prometheus really gave it their all.  The acting was top notch throughout, but the story fell flat on its face, because instead of giving you a prequel to Alien like millions expected, you received Ridley Scott’s thesis on why we’re here and who made us.  If millions of people expected one thing, why do something totally different after you stated that it is a prequel to Alien.  Why?  Just to aggravate everyone or bring in ticket sales?  It makes me sad because it could have been so much more than a mixed bag of ideas.  Here’s hoping the next one he makes explains all the crap from the first one.  Oh, and he better not ruined Blade Runner.

 

Runners Up:

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

I know some of you expected this in the “Best Movie” category, but it’s time we all faced facts, and put aside our love for Batman for just one moment. 

We were getting reports of who was in the film and what it was about before they even ended shooting.  The internet had more takes of it being shot than Nolan did.  I wanted to love this film, to hold close to my chest and twirl like a little girl…maybe even sleep with it tucked under my pillow every now and then just to calm myself, but it’s hard to admit—it could have been so much more. 

Here’s the case of too much story with not enough time.  By the time they were done editing, it seemed more like left-over scenes Nolan had lounging on a shelf and decided to put together.  The film had its moments, and Hardy’s acting is always perfect, but it wasn’t enough to pull the ending into what could have been the greatest comic book story ever told. 

The best part was Hathaway as Catwoman.  I still feel as though Bale is just a guy in a suit.  Anyone could have played his part just as good, because what made the other films such classics wasn’t his acting, but the fantastic story that was told.  The bar was set very high with the Dark Knight and the 3^rd piece to this puzzle, dove head first into it, instead of over it.  Can’t wait to see what the studio does with the Justice League.

 

THE HUNGER GAMES

This one, good God…what can be said.  The review here, said most of it, but let me give you the short version.  Terrible, terrible premise.  There, done.  That’s all there is.  The whole idea of the games with the children is ridiculous and it astounds me women went flocking to the theaters like it was a 2 for 1 sale.  The lines and money this movie brought in, and the two more on the way makes me really think about our culture today.  Is this the slop we really want to feed down our throats?  The funny thing is several authors jumped on the Hunger Games bandwagon and wrote books with the same ideas in mind.  The sad thing is the movie studios are now looking into to them also…where does it end?

 

CHRONICLE

You have to see this movie man, it’s like totally awesome—the best superhero movie ever!  You know you read the reviews on the internet and heard people singing this one from the mountain tops.  The trailer had me stoked, the reviews had me creaming in my pants, and the movie itself left a feeling of “Eh” in my mouth.  Chronicle is one of those movies that after you see it you never have to see it again.  There’s absolutely no reason.  First, I hate the “shaky” cam bullsh*t—damn you Cloverfield—and second, it was just a movie about a few friends goofing around when you get down to it.  The hype and magic I heard about this one had me dancing around when it started, and when it was over I wanted to throw my soda at the screen.  At a running time of 84 minutes (which is almost equivalent to a children’s film) it had about 70 minutes of “Hey look at this” and 8 minutes of conflict, leaving 6 minutes of random shots of trees, the sky, and the credits.  This would have made a great short film, but the greatest superhero movie ever?  Nope.

 

WRECK-IT RALPH

I ran to the theater to catch this one like I was seven years old again.  I couldn’t wait to see my former game icons mucking it up and goofing off.  The reviews were again, over the top, saying that this was the greatest video game movie ever…EVER.  So I couldn’t wait.  I snuggled into my theater seat with a smile on my face that nothing could have turned into a frown, except maybe a mediocre animated film in Candy-land.  The beginning had promise, with Ralph running into to all kinds of characters and there was a great idea behind it, but once you met Vanellope, the movie turned into a C-grade kid’s film about a bitchy little girl who just had to race.  Not only that, but the damn plot was so predictable after that, even my popcorn started to taste regurgitated.  I expected so much more, and was left with a film I’m ashamed to say I saw.

 

Worst Try at a Reboot:

THE BOURNE LEGACY

 

They said this one was bad in the reviews, but I just couldn’t believe Renner would make a crappy movie, not after the Town, it’s just not possible.  And then I rented it, and my feelings changed dramatically.  The studio executives thought throwing the Bourne name on the title would help this one, but actually it really hurt it.  All you did throughout the film was compare, compare, compare.  The other three weren’t perfect, but the first and last Damon films were pretty frigging awesome…some of my favorite action sequences.  This film seemed like it was recycled garbage, and to try and give it some plot thickness they even squashed Matt Damon’s face in there whenever they could—let me be the first to tell you, it didn’t work.  Wait, what am I talking about, the reviews already did that.  Oh, well how about this: don’t make another.  There, I’m probably the first to say that.  No?  Screw it, let’s move on.

 

Best Sports Movie:

GOON

 

This was going to make it into the “Biggest surprise Movie” category, but we thought it should have its own.  IMBD says it was released in 2011 at a film festival, but I don’t remember seeing this in the theaters until 2012.  And since we can do pretty much what we want here, we’re including it…if you don’t like that, tough crap, its already done.

This film surprised the sh*t out of me, and not only that, Sean William Scott’s usually comedic demeanor was nowhere to be found.  He played a solid role, filling the skates of a simple-minded hockey bruiser, who you couldn’t help but root for.  The whole movie was outstanding on a small scale.  Liev Schreiber has one of the best scenes of his career in this film.  It involves both goons meeting by chance in a diner, and the exchange of dialogue is perfect.  The only thing or person I found annoying was Jay Baruchel’s character.  At first he was funny, but then after a while you wanted to gag him with a dirty sock to end the annoying language.  But I guess, since he helped write it, I’ll let it pass.  If you haven’t seen this movie and you like sports or hockey, give it whirl, you won’t be disappointed.

 

Worst Comedy?

THE WATCH

 

The reason why there’s a question mark up there is because I don’t really know what this movie was, and neither do the actors or writers.  Vince Vaughan was Vince Vaughan, but that didn’t help a movie that wanted to be a comedy, mixed with Sci-Fi, mixed with action, mixed with—whatever else you want to throw at it.  And that was the real problem.  They should have gone completely over the top with comedy and thrown out all the other junk.  Ben Stiller was terrible in this as the controlling neighbor and Jonah Hill was there.  The Sci-Fi aspect killed this film.  If it would have been three idiot friends getting into trouble without aliens trying to take over the world (starting with a Costco, of course) it might have had promise, but they completely threw the comedy viewers out the window when the aliens were introduced.  Oh, well…we still have Wedding Crashers when our Vaughan meter needs to be recharged.

 

Runner up:

WANDERLUST

Paul Rudd is excellent when paired with an outrageous comedic actor.  His “feel sorry for me” role always works out perfectly that way.  (See Role Models for example)  But what happens when you pair him with Jennifer Aniston, who also plays the normal everyday gal?  Let me tell you: Nothing. 

I didn’t know if this movie was trying to make a statement about world peace or was trying to make me laugh, because it did neither.  The plot—aside from naked hippies and group sex—was the same old love story: boy falls for girl, something happens so they hate each other, girl realizes she loves boy…the end.  Now go and write a better movie with Rudd in it, and maybe include a side of Vince Vaughan.

 

Best Comedy

21 JUMP STREET

 

This movie is balls funny.  And if you know how funny balls can be, then you know what I’m talking about.  Channing Tatum is at his best when he’s in comedic roles, his action and romance characters are terrible—he needs more funny roles.  Usually Jonah Hill comes off as the annoying douche of movies, but in this one he was perfect.  The two of them together and just the stuff they get into is priceless.  Even Ice Cube had me falling out of my seat with his loud mouth Captain Dickson.  This movie is comedic gold and the writers of The Watch should watch this and take notes, because you didn’t see any frigging aliens running around the high school just to make it funny, did you?  No.

 

Runner up:

THIS MEANS WAR

 

Tom Hardy can literally play any role, and each character he does looks totally different from all the others.  Then you have Chris Pine, who I think hasn’t received enough work—also a great actor, just watch Star Trek for the umpteenth time and you’ll know what I’m talking about.  The reason this ended up as a runner-up is because it fell into the trap of being some-what of a chick-flick.  To sappy at times, but when the comedy is turned up to 11, like the paintball scene with Hardy or the fine art scene with Pine, its pure magic.  This is the film where women will love it and men will be comfortable watching it, without it causing the finer sex to run for the tissues like The Notebook.  If you guys are looking for a good date movie, here it is.  The one problem I had was overcoming the fact that both of the guys in the movie wanted Reese Witherspoon.

 

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All these categories are just the beginning.  Come back next week for Part 2, which includes these categories and more:

“That Nick Cage Movie”

“Worst Casting”

“Biggest Surprise Movie”

“Movie that should never have been Made”

“Most Visceral”

“Best Movie 2012”