Disclaimer: This title is just a way for us to revisit
the movies we hated and movies we loved.
All the awards from here out are strictly made up for our own amusement,
and this does not and will not ever reflect or have any association with actual
Movie awards…ever, we’re not kidding. So,
sit back and take the plunge back in time with us.
Some
people look at 2012 and see one of the biggest years for movies—release of The
Dark Knight Rises and the monumental Avengers—others will look back and see a
year full of remakes (Total Recall & Red Dawn Etc.) and dribble, showing
just how dried up Hollywood has really become.
And looking at the rotten economy, the major studios don’t want to take
those risks that would be normalcy, they want sure bets, so for better or
worse, let’s look back at some of crap and absolute gems we sat through this
year.
Worst Book 2
Movie Adaptation:
JOHN
CARTER
With
a plot that was created by taking clichés, pinning them to a wall and throwing
darts. A lead actor who's famous for
bringing movies down to the bottom rung of sales, and a screenplay that could
have been better if 5 year olds took out Crayola crayons and adapted the book…what's
not to love about John Carter?
Taylor
Kitsch played the title character just as Edgar Rice Burroughs intended: a
perfectly modeled block of wood. Adding
to the movie's grace was Andrew Stanton who proclaimed the source material
stayed perfectly intact. The movie was
so far from the book they should have named it Stars Wars VII and just be done
with it. Thankfully Stanton at least was
able to copy and paste some of the book's names and places into the script
without too much error. I've never been
so ashamed of the Princess of Mars in my life.
The good thing is they didn't call the movie that, so in 5 years we
could be looking at a possible reboot.
Movie Franchise
that has to pack it up:
THE
EXPENDABLES 2
Not
only did we get to see washed up action stars in one movie, but this year we
received another just like it. And from
what I hear, a third is on the way. Most
of the actors in the film needed a walker to keep them from falling over, and
the story was so bad it almost brought back Van Damme's career, which was
resting happily under Bloodsport. It was
funny at first, but now they're just beating a dead horse or dead actors,
depending on how you look at it.
The unwatched
Movie with a hot actress:
UNDERWORLD
AWAKENING
Beckinsale
is one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood, but not even her perfectly shaped
hips wedged inside tight leather could save this one. It might have been the fact that it really
didn't have an ending or maybe it was the terrible plot, or lack thereof. Kate really should be running in the opposite
direction of this franchise, but how they left it, it seems she might be
already involved in another. I didn't
even pay to see this movie and I want my money back.
Worst movie
promo:
HAYWIRE
Hey,
I have an idea, let's get an actual female boxer, who can't act worth-a-sh*t
and make her the star of an action film.
I don't know if it’s the director's fault or what? Because when I think about it, all the actors
in the film looked like they showed up for the paycheck and forgot they were
shooting a movie. Even Fassbender’s
scene—which was heavily shown in the trailers because it was really the
highlight of the film—felt cold, as if they shot it one time and just decided
whatever they had was good enough. Yes, Gina
Carano can kick your ass in real life, but that doesn't mean she can act. Keep her in Hollywood as a stunt-woman, but
don't ever give her a line again.
Worst Robot
Movie:
BATTLESHIP
Brooklyn
Decker is smoking and giant robot aliens that change into super charged
wrecking-balls are cool, but two words can some up this tanker: Taylor
Kitsch. Enough said.
The movie that
we’re ashamed to say we saw:
ROADIE
There’s
nothing like wasting a few hours of your life watching a guy acting like he's
wasting several years of his. This was
one of those movies that you had to finish once you started just to see how
something that awful will end. It’s a
shame too, because Ron Eldard was excellent in Sleepers and Mystery Alaska, but
the performance and the story was as good as old Chinese food: looks and seems
like a good idea and might even taste decent going down, but you know in the
end you’re going to be paying for it.
Best Sci-Fi
concepts/environments:
TOTAL
RECALL
You
can read my review of this one. Total
Recall surprised the crap out of me. The
backdrops and futuristic ideas, props, and environments are enough to keep me
coming back. With a lead actor who gave
it his all, and two beautiful leading ladies (Beckinsale & Biel), this film
almost had it all, if it weren't for that remake problem. They need to gather up all the artists that
worked on this one and throw an original script at them…please.
Biggest Movie
Disappointment:
PROMETHEUS
The
problem with this one and the rest of the movies on this list is the hype that
was built up beforehand. It completely
and utterly destroyed the expectations I had going into these movies. Seriously, Ridley Scott taking the helm—all
people could do was compare it with Alien, and don’t get me wrong, the film had
its moments. I almost made a “best use
of a C-Section” category for it, but decided to just mention it here. Noomi Rapace and the rest of the crew of
Prometheus really gave it their all. The
acting was top notch throughout, but the story fell flat on its face, because
instead of giving you a prequel to Alien like millions expected, you received
Ridley Scott’s thesis on why we’re here and who made us. If millions of people expected one thing, why
do something totally different after you stated that it is a prequel to Alien.
Why? Just to aggravate everyone
or bring in ticket sales? It makes me
sad because it could have been so much more than a mixed bag of ideas. Here’s hoping the next one he makes explains
all the crap from the first one. Oh, and
he better not ruined Blade Runner.
Runners Up:
THE
DARK KNIGHT RISES
I
know some of you expected this in the “Best Movie” category, but it’s time we
all faced facts, and put aside our love for Batman for just one moment.
We
were getting reports of who was in the film and what it was about before they
even ended shooting. The internet had more
takes of it being shot than Nolan did. I
wanted to love this film, to hold close to my chest and twirl like a little
girl…maybe even sleep with it tucked under my pillow every now and then just to
calm myself, but it’s hard to admit—it could have been so much more.
Here’s
the case of too much story with not enough time. By the time they were done editing, it seemed
more like left-over scenes Nolan had lounging on a shelf and decided to put together. The film had its moments, and Hardy’s acting
is always perfect, but it wasn’t enough to pull the ending into what could have
been the greatest comic book story ever told.
The
best part was Hathaway as Catwoman. I
still feel as though Bale is just a guy in a suit. Anyone could have played his part just as
good, because what made the other films such classics wasn’t his acting, but
the fantastic story that was told. The
bar was set very high with the Dark Knight and the 3rd piece to this
puzzle, dove head first into it, instead of over it. Can’t wait to see what the studio does with
the Justice League.
THE
HUNGER GAMES
This
one, good God…what can be said. The
review here, said most of it, but let me give you the short version. Terrible, terrible premise. There, done.
That’s all there is. The whole
idea of the games with the children is ridiculous and it astounds me women went
flocking to the theaters like it was a 2 for 1 sale. The lines and money this movie brought in,
and the two more on the way makes me really think about our culture today. Is this the slop we really want to feed down
our throats? The funny thing is several
authors jumped on the Hunger Games bandwagon and wrote books with the same
ideas in mind. The sad thing is the
movie studios are now looking into to them also…where does it end?
CHRONICLE
You
have to see this movie man, it’s like totally awesome—the best superhero movie
ever! You know you read the reviews on
the internet and heard people singing this one from the mountain tops. The trailer had me stoked, the reviews had me
creaming in my pants, and the movie itself left a feeling of “Eh” in my
mouth. Chronicle is one of those movies
that after you see it you never have to see it again. There’s absolutely no reason. First, I hate the “shaky” cam bullsh*t—damn
you Cloverfield—and second, it was just a movie about a few friends goofing
around when you get down to it. The hype
and magic I heard about this one had me dancing around when it started, and
when it was over I wanted to throw my soda at the screen. At a running time of 84 minutes (which is
almost equivalent to a children’s film) it had about 70 minutes of “Hey look at
this” and 8 minutes of conflict, leaving 6 minutes of random shots of trees,
the sky, and the credits. This would
have made a great short film, but the greatest superhero movie ever? Nope.
WRECK-IT
RALPH
I
ran to the theater to catch this one like I was seven years old again. I couldn’t wait to see my former game icons
mucking it up and goofing off. The
reviews were again, over the top, saying that this was the greatest video game
movie ever…EVER. So I couldn’t
wait. I snuggled into my theater seat
with a smile on my face that nothing could have turned into a frown, except
maybe a mediocre animated film in Candy-land.
The beginning had promise, with Ralph running into to all kinds of
characters and there was a great idea behind it, but once you met Vanellope,
the movie turned into a C-grade kid’s film about a bitchy little girl who just
had to race. Not only that, but the damn
plot was so predictable after that, even my popcorn started to taste
regurgitated. I expected so much more,
and was left with a film I’m ashamed to say I saw.
Worst Try at a
Reboot:
THE
BOURNE LEGACY
They
said this one was bad in the reviews, but I just couldn’t believe Renner would
make a crappy movie, not after the Town, it’s just not possible. And then I rented it, and my feelings changed
dramatically. The studio executives
thought throwing the Bourne name on the title would help this one, but actually
it really hurt it. All you did
throughout the film was compare, compare, compare. The other three weren’t perfect, but the
first and last Damon films were pretty frigging awesome…some of my favorite
action sequences. This film seemed like
it was recycled garbage, and to try and give it some plot thickness they even
squashed Matt Damon’s face in there whenever they could—let me be the first to
tell you, it didn’t work. Wait, what am
I talking about, the reviews already did that.
Oh, well how about this: don’t make another. There, I’m probably the first to say
that. No? Screw it, let’s move on.
Best Sports
Movie:
GOON
This
was going to make it into the “Biggest surprise Movie” category, but we thought
it should have its own. IMBD says it was
released in 2011 at a film festival, but I don’t remember seeing this in the
theaters until 2012. And since we can do
pretty much what we want here, we’re including it…if you don’t like that, tough
crap, its already done.
This
film surprised the sh*t out of me, and not only that, Sean William Scott’s
usually comedic demeanor was nowhere to be found. He played a solid role, filling the skates of
a simple-minded hockey bruiser, who you couldn’t help but root for. The whole movie was outstanding on a small
scale. Liev Schreiber has one of the
best scenes of his career in this film.
It involves both goons meeting by chance in a diner, and the exchange of
dialogue is perfect. The only thing or
person I found annoying was Jay Baruchel’s character. At first he was funny, but then after a while
you wanted to gag him with a dirty sock to end the annoying language. But I guess, since he helped write it, I’ll
let it pass. If you haven’t seen this
movie and you like sports or hockey, give it whirl, you won’t be disappointed.
Worst Comedy?
THE
WATCH
The
reason why there’s a question mark up there is because I don’t really know what
this movie was, and neither do the actors or writers. Vince Vaughan was Vince Vaughan, but that
didn’t help a movie that wanted to be a comedy, mixed with Sci-Fi, mixed with
action, mixed with—whatever else you want to throw at it. And that was the real problem. They should have gone completely over the top
with comedy and thrown out all the other junk.
Ben Stiller was terrible in this as the controlling neighbor and Jonah
Hill was there. The Sci-Fi aspect killed
this film. If it would have been three
idiot friends getting into trouble without aliens trying to take over the world
(starting with a Costco, of course) it might have had promise, but they
completely threw the comedy viewers out the window when the aliens were
introduced. Oh, well…we still have Wedding
Crashers when our Vaughan meter needs to be recharged.
Runner up:
WANDERLUST
Paul
Rudd is excellent when paired with an outrageous comedic actor. His “feel sorry for me” role always works out
perfectly that way. (See Role Models for
example) But what happens when you pair
him with Jennifer Aniston, who also plays the normal everyday gal? Let me tell you: Nothing.
I
didn’t know if this movie was trying to make a statement about world peace or
was trying to make me laugh, because it did neither. The plot—aside from naked hippies and group
sex—was the same old love story: boy falls for girl, something happens so they
hate each other, girl realizes she loves boy…the end. Now go and write a better movie with Rudd in
it, and maybe include a side of Vince Vaughan.
Best Comedy
21
JUMP STREET
This
movie is balls funny. And if you know
how funny balls can be, then you know what I’m talking about. Channing Tatum is at his best when he’s in
comedic roles, his action and romance characters are terrible—he needs more funny roles. Usually Jonah Hill comes off as the annoying
douche of movies, but in this one he was perfect. The two of them together and just the stuff
they get into is priceless. Even Ice
Cube had me falling out of my seat with his loud mouth Captain Dickson. This movie is comedic gold and the writers of
The Watch should watch this and take notes, because you didn’t see any frigging
aliens running around the high school just to make it funny, did you? No.
Runner up:
THIS
MEANS WAR
Tom
Hardy can literally play any role, and each character he does looks totally
different from all the others. Then you
have Chris Pine, who I think hasn’t received enough work—also a great actor,
just watch Star Trek for the umpteenth time and you’ll know what I’m talking
about. The reason this ended up as a
runner-up is because it fell into the trap of being some-what of a
chick-flick. To sappy at times, but when
the comedy is turned up to 11, like the paintball scene with Hardy or the fine
art scene with Pine, its pure magic.
This is the film where women will love it and men will be comfortable
watching it, without it causing the finer sex to run for the tissues like The
Notebook. If you guys are looking for a
good date movie, here it is. The one problem
I had was overcoming the fact that both of the guys in the movie wanted Reese
Witherspoon.
______________________________________________________________________________
All
these categories are just the beginning.
Come back next week for Part 2, which includes these categories and
more:
“That Nick Cage
Movie”
“Worst Casting”
“Biggest
Surprise Movie”
“Movie that
should never have been Made”
“Most Visceral”
“Best Movie
2012”
No comments:
Post a Comment