DVD Movie Review - The Last Stand

The Last Stand attempts to bring back a forgotten actor from the depths of obscurity, but instead, whacks the last nail into his coffin, and then quickly buries him in a void deep enough to contain Godzilla.

Arnold Schwarzenegger gave us such classic films: the Terminator, Predator, Commando, Total Recall, and every once in a while, when the moon strikes me just right, I'll place a barrel of cheese-balls in front of me and sneak a peek at The Last Action Hero.  After gems such as these, I ask you: What went wrong?  The short answer: age.  The long answer:

 Age, alcohol, and steroids proved too much for the Governator.

STORY:

A drug cartel leader does his best impression of the Joker and outwits the FBI by escaping custody.  The next step of his master plan includes driving a stolen concept car across the Mexican border.  But to do so, he must pass through a town guarded by an ex-bodybuilder and his ridiculous sidekicks.  Small town hijinks and boredom ensue.

THOUGHTS:

Arnold's facial expressions didn't evolve too much further from constipated to overly-constipated.  In fact, the movie studio probably could have just went to the supermarket and bought a few hundred pounds of beef and gave that top-billing in the movie.  At least in the end, if it didn't work out, they could have cooked the meat and fed a small starving country.  His reactions bordered on the same level as Alzheimer patients: every once in a while you’d find a sparkle in his eyes, but that was just him realizing where he was for a second, before dipping back into unconsciousness.

Some of the best damn acting I've seen, and...it's what's for dinner.

In short: he's old, he's tired, and any amount of acting skills that he did possess, were flushed down the I-don't-give-a-crap toilet.  Let’s face it—the Arnold action star is dead.  The man who looks like him is just a left-over husk filled with terrible politics and steroids.  I guarantee that if this film didn't have his name attached, it would have passed by the American audience like a warm fart: a slow hint of sensation, but not enough to make you react.

Wait…was there any good acting, then?  Sure.  Two people—well, actually just one.  Johnny Knoxville is usually good for a laugh or two, but every line felt over-rehearsed and forced, making some of his dialogue embarrassing to hear.

 

"I really don't see how this hat is supposed to make my lines any funnier." 

The one good actor: Jaimie Alexander.  She delivered fantastic emotion in a sea filled with bloated wood.  You'll probably recognize her as Sif from Thor, but she stared in a good Independent film called Loosies. (Only I and a handful of the movie's extras actually watched it.)  Every one of her scenes in the Last Stand made me think: “how much were you paid compared to the Arnold?”  One could argue that she's still making a name for herself and Arnold's already established, but that's just forcing reason where it doesn't belong—so stop it.

Back in my day, a girl that looked like that was considered: "Prettier than a picture."

Anybody ever see Forest Whitaker's lazy eye move during a film, because it didn’t seem very enthusiastic about acting here.  Whitaker wasn't really doing too much to begin with, save for yelling at people, asking questions, and playing second fiddle to a small town sheriff.  Seriously though...was his acting any good?  Let’s just say, I've seen better acting from a child trying to mask booger eating.  But what I really want to know is who looked at this guy and said: "that eye has movie star written all over it."  Alright, let’s just forget I mentioned his name and move on.

Psst...Mr. Whitaker, um...this is the Last Stand, not Battlefield Earth 2. 

Oh, and can you open your eye just smidgen?

The movie's main problem, aside from terrible dialogue, bad jokes, jumbled editing, and a stupid plot; is its trying too hard to be so many things.  It wants to be a comedy, but it attempts to tug at the heart strings.  It wants to be action, but throws in spurts of drama.  I'm not saying that a movie couldn't pull all those off…I'm just saying this movie can't.

The writers must have run into a hiccup after having about 80% of the script written.  They finally looked at a map and said: "crap, there's a huge gorge between the U.S. and Mexico right passed this town."  And that's when reality went right out the window, and the idea of the bad guys constructing a temporary bridge so that the main bad guy could drive his concept car over it was born.  But if he's so rich, why not just take his private jet to Mexico or maybe a helicopter?  My point exactly.  But you see if they injected the plot with a little logic, you wouldn't have a movie now would you?  No.  So there...

"That's it--I'm shooting every crappy actor on this set...starting with Mr. Universe over there."

The action sequences or “sequence” happens around three quarters of the way through, so feel free to fast-forward until you get there—watch it, and then turn the movie off.  Trust me, you'll thank me later.  Then you can spend quality time on all those wife-y chores that you've been putting off.  If you don't even want to watch that, allow me to reenact the scene for you below:

"Hahaha...the gun's vibration is tickling my nether regions!"

Pow, pow, bang, bang, bang…rattatatatatatatatatata…pew, pew…BOOM!  Now, you're free to go back to stalking your neighbor from under her bed.

And that is how the age of "good films" actually ended. 

The Last Stand started out as a lousy film, and surprisingly ended in the same manner.  The only reason to buy this movie is to complete your Schwarzenegger movie collection.  And if you really have one of those, spending two hours with this film, would be the least of your troubles.

"I have no idea what I'm doing."  Yeah?  I just crapped my pants.

I don't even know if I can consider the above a review.  Let’s talk about something more interesting.  *props elbows on table* “Who likes quilting?”

1 1/2 out of 5 stars (1 star for Jaimie and a ½ star for the concept Corvette)

Da Vinci's Demons - Premier Review

Da Vinci's Demons: a whole show based in Italy…and not one Italian actor.  If that doesn't give you an insight as to what to expect from this review, then I don't know what will.

Leonardo—with such a wealth of reference, imagination, and curiosity behind his name, it's amazing that Da Vinci's Demons has the remarkable ability to take everything fantastic about the man, throw it in a blender, hit frappe, and pour out a batter you would more likely use for pancakes.  If you're looking for cheap tricks, opium smoked revelations, homoerotic silliness, and questionable CG; then this is your show, because intelligence, humor and any hint of sophistication…seems to have gone out to lunch.

STORY:

Mixing fantasy with reality, Da Vinci's Demons looks to dive deep into the mystical past of one of the most fascinating men to have ever lived.  Silly dialogue, random nudity, drug induced hallucinations, and shady green-screen tactics ensue.

Astonishingly, all the birds that day remained frozen in hopes 

to become a sketch in Leonardo's book. 

THOUGHTS ON STUPID: (Feel free to skip to "Show Thoughts" below)

(Be warned: I have an allergic reaction to stupid.  I'm not saying I'm super smart or anything, but I do know most of the alphabet, and if I sing it, 90% of the time I will get to "Z") 

A typical fluff piece on the Inter-Webs was boasting on how awesome Da Vinci's Demons will be, once you gaze upon its magnificence.  But the article has since been totally wiped from my memory.  What has remained stuck in my mind like syrup to genitalia is its comment section. 

I'm paraphrasing, but the comment went something like: "this show is going to suck, because they won't even show that he was gay, so I'm not watching."  That, right there is why I have little hope for society.  For every intelligent statement you hear, you get eight or nine fragments of random stupid.  Let's get one thing straight: the show is corny on all types of levels, and some people may even say that it sucks, but it’s for totally different reasons than not showing Leonardo's sexual preference.

Dead center shows early signs of Leonardo's sexual orientation...or not.

So if I'm to understand this person, the show mustn't talk about how Leonardo was an artist, architect, musician, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, geologist, botanist—crap, I'm running out of room here, let’s just assume he was awesome at everything—until it clearly shows Leonardo humping another man.  Say what?

Is this really where we are in society?  So sexual preference comes before his advances of science, everything that was mechanical, and his painting?  We might as well throw the Mona Lisa on the floor and piss on it, because he didn't write whether or not he was gay in the bottom left-hand corner. 

The 21st century Mona showing-off her best duck-face. 

Do me a favor—stop the world, I want to get off.

SHOW THOUGHTS:

With all this reference material the writers had to work with, we get corny mechanical birds, a silly helper, ridiculous dialogue between Leonardo and his friends, and scenes that make it seem like every important figure in Italy liked young boys.  Basically the show has been watered down for an audience that would rather watch Jersey Shore, while giving each other a tan-in-a-can spray down.  It seems Da Vinci's Demons is looking for more shock value than actual story to keep people watching.

 

Stupid: it comes in all shapes & sizes.

In the opening scene, a political figure is murdered and I don't care.  Then a man in charge of something gets mad and I don't care.  Then, somewhere along the line we come to Leonardo, whose painting a nude woman in a field and talking about his mother, and really…I didn't care.  And that's the problem with the show; the characters are paper thin cutouts of stereotypes.  They have no depth, giving the audience nothing to relate too.  So in the end, I could care less if Leonardo wanted to help a man before he was hung, or stop a person from getting picked on by a few guards.

Humor: this should be an underlining necessity in every show; no matter if its drama, horror, action, fantasy, reality, or some crazy inter-dimensional sub-plane where bananas rule.  Humor can be found in almost every aspect of life, and if you're not making the audience horny, sad, scared, or stressed, then you better be making them laugh.  And this show didn't strike one humor note at all.  (There was one lame comment from Leonardo's friend about wanting to have sex with an ugly fat chick, but the way it was delivered, and the context that it was in, made it feel creepy instead.)

Sadly, all early premiers of Da Vinci's Demons had to have laughing gas pumped into each theater.

The positive is the actor (Tom Riley) playing Leonardo.  He comes off as intelligent, suave, and adventurous, but sadly the dialogue and story drag all his acting attempts through the mud, making everything he does devoid of emotional impact.  Not to mention, some of the backdrops made it hard to focus on what he was even saying, which brings me to my next point.

"Be honest--Is my raised eyebrow taking away from my hairy chest shot?"

Shows that have to portray a period in time where everything has to be built from scratch, or run through a computer, should stay away from wide scenic shots as much as possible.  TV series don't usually have the money to pull off proper CG backdrops and sets, and this show is no exception.  The live actors don't fit properly into the computer renderings, giving Da Vinci's Demons a late 90’s look during a few scenes.  I can't imagine what it costs to have to recreate Renaissance Italy, but whatever it is, this show isn't getting anywhere close.

The ending I'm sure was written to grab the attention of everyone watching and make you want to come back the next week.  I imagine the writers finishing that scene, giving each other high-fives, and then laughing manically at its genius.  Well, I don't want to rain on the writer’s parade, but I saw that ending coming from a mile away.  It's almost as if they have a magical hat filled with over-used story twists written on paper, decided to just pull one out, and then smack each other's asses in excitement.

"I'm telling you the truth--this right here is the bird that crapped on my wagon. We must find it at once!"

What could have been an adventurous drama/comedy, diving into the genius of Leonardo, turned into a steaming pile of drivel.  The good thing is Starz already picked up the show for a second season, so they'll have plenty of time to work their way up from the bottom of the barrel.  Here’s hoping the show gets better.

1.5 out of 5 stars (1 star and 1/2 for having Leonardo’s name attached) 

Bioshock Infinite: 2nd opinions

Every piece of art, movie, game, porn or book is not without its faults.  No matter how great something really is, there's always a part that can be improved upon.  With that being said, we're here to bring an opinion of someone who very much loved Bioshock: Infinite, but thought there were some areas that could have been better.  So, prepare your tomatoes and vulgar language, because this could get ugly.

We already released an article on Bioshock Infinite’s First Impressions, if you haven't read it, we recommend that you head there first, and then come back to this article.

The first Bioshock took what was old-hat in gaming and completely reinvented what to expect from combat, story, and overall gameplay.  The years following, saw many games trying to follow suit, or improve on what was already laid out before them.  Bioshock in essence, changed gaming for the better.  Flash forward a bunch of years, and the same mind behind the first game is back with another experience that will reinvent gaming again...or maybe just show you that there are really no choices.

STORY:

If there's one thing Infinite did right, it was the story.  The dialogue was fresh and zipped everything along, nicely.  Yes, it did lag a little in the middle, but once you get to the WTF-did-that-just-happen ending, your mind dissolves and all you're left with is a pile of oozing pink crap on the carpet.  So it's safe to say, the writing, plot, and story are by far, Bioshock Infinite's shining achievement.

Might be a little too late for that, Bro... 

TOO SHORT?

The first hour or so, you're brought into the wonderful world of Columbia.  I wandered around looking at everything the game designers had to offer.  Great little conversations happening all around you, the wonderment of a floating city, the background of Comstock and why he chose to worship America's Founding Fathers.  I was in awe of the love and care that went into making the game, and then the combat started...and it was downhill from there.

"What?  You gotta frigging problem?" 

Once everyone wanted to shoot my face off, Bioshock Infinite breezed by so quickly, if I would have blinked, I might have missed it.  Don't misunderstand me.  I did stop and search every corner to try and find every loose apple, upgrade, weapon, and strewn coin.  Even with all that going on, I ripped through the game in less than 12 hours, and if you remove the beginning—just wandering around—I'd say you could knock this game out, in less than ten.  Is that a bad thing?  Not necessarily, but I feel much more emphasis was on the story and not the gameplay itself.

Everything felt familiar while running and gunning.  It was as if Bioshock had a face lift, and all the characters and places you see, we're just new skins.  And now, everyone looks at the ending and ties this facelift together with it.  Stating: “well, it was supposed to feel like Bioshock.”  Really?  So in reality the combat was just DLC, and because of the ending, everyone is alright with that?

Wrench versus Big Daddy.  I have the Little Sister for the win.

The first Bioshock had much more to do, many more fun things to find, and much more entertaining mini bosses.  Do you remember the strange and ridiculous characters you would have to take down, to progress?  Just those characters alone, were reason enough for playing the game.  In Infinite, you had really one guy, and then the main guy Comstock.  It seems Infinite took a step backward in the gameplay department.

"Excuse me, is there something in my teeth?"

COMBAT:

I don't know about everyone else, but after picking up the carbine, about an hour into the combat scenarios, I never dropped it for anything else.  Sure, when I ran out of carbine ammo, I changed over to the sniper, or RPG, or the machine gun, but 90% of the time was carbine.  Bioshock had more weapons and upgrades available to really allow the player numerous choices.  In Infinite, I felt limited.  Why would I spend precious money on upgrading a pistol, when I could just use my upgraded carbine? 

Maybe I'm spoiled from Borderlands 2, but just two guns at one time.  Boo.  There really was no time for experimentation.  If I dropped a gun I liked to try something new, it was either keep using the slop you have until you found the gun you liked again, or backtrack.  And if you're anything like me, once I complete an area, I hate having to go all the way back for something as menial as a favorite weapon.  Bigger inventory: Games don't have to feel real, they have to entertain.  And if that means allowing your character to carry more weapons than what's possible in real life, then so be it. 

"Sup?"

Bioshock had splicers, big daddy, mini bosses, and the further you went in the game the more the enemies would mix it up with different weapons or plasmids.  In Infinite, it really felt like I was fighting the same enemies throughout the entire game.  No variety in play, except for the very few opportunities to sneak passed the Boys of Silence.  Everyone else received a few bullets or a fist to the face, and then I moved on.  Speaking of enemies, this brings me too:

"Duh, nobody wants to play with me."

THE HANDYMAN:

Handyman: the supposed replacement of the Big Daddies.  In the first two Bioshock games, dealing with the Big Daddies and Big Sisters was tough, but also took skill and strategy to deal with both.  The first two games gave you the opportunity to set traps and fight them the way you wanted, and once they fell, you had a sense of accomplishment.  With the Handyman from Infinite, I don't know how you felt fighting him, but as soon he was on screen, he just kept jumping and running toward me.  There really was nothing to contemplate, except for: "Gee, do I have enough ammo to deal with this idiot, right now."  All I really wanted to do was just get him out of the way, so I could move the story forward—fun took a backseat.  There was no strategy, except for: shoot, vigor, shoot, vigor, shoot, shoot, and then shoot some more.  Every once in a while you had the opportunity to jump to a skyhook or rail and deal with him that way.  To me, the Handyman sections felt as mindless as any other shooter. 

"This bottle of Vodka looks funny...Oh, screw it, what else am I going to do?"

VIGORS:

Bucking Bronco and Undertow.  Those are the only two vigors I used, once they became available.  Ungraded them a couple of times and that was it.  Bioshock made each plasmid useful.  Sparking a puddle became fun, lighting people and oil on fire aided in certain areas, telekinesis was very helpful at grabbing objects a far, or freezing missiles in mid-air to launch back; but Infinite lacked those ingenious areas where you needed to use certain vigors.  There really was no sense in using Murder of Crows when you could lift up several enemies with Bucking Bronco and pick them off so easily.

"Breasts...Er, I mean Elizabeth--reach out for my hand!"

CONCLUSION:

Infinite is a great story, and if you never played the original Bioshock, would be a great shooter experience.  But I feel as though combat, enemies, upgrades, and vigors were a step backward in the series.  Were they trying to make the game more assessable to new players?  I'll never know.  Is Bioshock Infinite still worth playing?  Of course!  It's a step forward in game AI and story integration.  The above comments may sound terrible, but in reality, the story and ending still trumped over everything else, and the game was a fantastic experience.  I'll always recommend Bioshock as the go-to game for anyone (if there are people still out there who haven't played it) looking for a new experience, and if they have played both (Bioshock 1 & 2), then Infinite is a no-brainer to tie the series together.  I'm really excited to see where Irrational Games will go next. 

*steps off stage cautiously, anticipating the barrage of tomatoes and feces.  Sees none, but does hear the whisper of "douchebag" creep out from the audience*

Cinemax's Banshee Season 1 - Review

Banshee is a roller coaster ride from start to finish, plunging you into the depths of action, violence, and sex, with some twists and turns into the drama realm.  The only difference is: there's no slow climb to the peak in the beginning.  You're fired from the start at face-melting speeds and the show remains there until the finale.

Don't crap your pants...don't crap your pants...

Let me explain: There are TV shows that slowly unravel with filler episodes to inflate plots and story lines, making a season stretch into boredom, and you wanting to pick your eyeballs out with a fork.  Others recycle the same episode over and over again, until the story line becomes utterly ridiculous and a waste of good porn-surfing time (*cough* The Following *cough*).  Banshee is not one of those shows.  There's actually a profuse story arc that comes full circle, and dynamic characters that develop along the way.

STORY:

Lucas Hood (protagonist played by Antony Starr) is an ex-con/master thief.  After 15 brutal years in prison, he immediately seeks out the woman he loves in the small town of Banshee, Pennsylvania.  The town's new sheriff, who nobody has met yet, ends up at the wrong end of a gun fight, and on a whim, our protagonist assumes his identity.  Soon, Sheriff Hood’s past catches up with his present, and crazy small-town gunfights and brawls ensue.

Yep, I'm pretty sure I just sharted.

THOUGHTS:

The idea above really is much better than it sounds.  At first, you might think a thief becoming a sheriff is a little farfetched, but it's made more plausible by an old friend of Hood's, who happens to be a hacker.  Also, who really gives a crap?  The point of the show isn't to dwell on the believability; it's to enjoy the ride—and what a frigging ride it is.

Let’s get the biggest issue out of the way first: the sex scenes.  Other reviews online complained that the sex/love scenes are borderline soft porn.  Well, boo frigging hoo.  It's a Cinemax series people—did you really think there would be no nudity?  The reviews made it seem as though people were actually surprised (oh my goodness, Martha, I think they just showed a woman’s breast--do you believe it?).  Do we really still exist in a culture where a couple of naked bodies rubbing against each other—and that's really all they're doing—turns people off?  If that's so, then maybe you shouldn't be watching any TV at all.  Instead, you should get the "Little House on the Prairie" boxed set, and watch it until your eyes bleed.  Yes, there's sex.  Yes, there are fully nude women.  Yes, it is awesome.  But, is it needed?  Not always, but some of the love scenes are crucial to the plot, and need to be shown.  Could they do without showing every inch of the women who get naked?  Yeah, but what fun would that be...if you're going to do something, you might as well push it to the limits, right?  And this show pushes everything to limits.

"Some idiots actually think we're really having sex?  No, you're pulling my leg!"

It's really hard to remember any down time during the ten hour season.  Each episode is one full thrill ride after another, and watching Sheriff Hood deal with the town’s problems is downright hysterical.  Antony Starr excels as the rough and tough, batsh*t crazy sheriff, who'll smash your face in first, and then ask questions later—that's of course if you can still talk, after he's tenderized your skull.  The sheriff has no regard, whatsoever to the law, yet everything he does is justified, and people really can't complain, because he's making the decisions everyone wants too, but sometimes are held back, due to legalities.

"What?  No, I'm fine...it's just a nose bleed.  Happens all the time."

Let’s talk action: it’s here by the barrel full.  I really have to commend the person(s) that choreographed the fight scenes, and the actors for making them look unbelievably real.  These aren't the Kung-Fu-every-motion-has-a-reaction kind of fights.  These are brutal brawls that cause fingers to be broken, faces to be plastered through glass or wood, and any object lying around to become a weapon.  These are fights that anyone could happen to find themselves in, if per chance, you're an ex-con hiding out as a sheriff in a small town.  Not only will you see fights, but the show also has its share of car chases/crashes, gun battles, and explosions.  Everything an action junkie needs to survive.

"Damn it!  I told you people not to play in the bouncy house." 

The show doesn't just thrust action in your face though; it intertwines it with a great plot, evolving characters, and fantastic dialogue.  You know there's good dialogue when characters don't have to recite a novel to get a point across.  For example: there's a scene where a deputy just had something dear taken away from her.  Instead of rambling nonsense, you get one line.  And in that one line, lie years of memories and now, hurt.  Well done.

The characters, whether they are supporting or main, all have background stories and pasts that allow each and every one of them to grow within the action-packed 10 episode season.  The show teaches you, everyone's actions/choices lie deep within the gray and nothing is black and white.  You'll meet people you hate and then end up liking by the end, and vice versa.  The show is carried on the shoulders by the fantastic work of Antony Starr as Sheriff Hood, but every—literally, every character is worth having around in this show.  It would fill this entire review if I named them all, so I'll leave those names to be found on IMDB.  All you have to know is: each actor is worth their weight in gold.

Stop me if you heard this one: 3 misfits walk into a bar.  A white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy...

Banshee is like a beautiful girl (or handsome guy for the chick version of this review) pulling over on the side of the road and giving you a devilish smile.  You take a peek in the backseat and see open bottles of alcohol and loaded guns.  You know that jumping in with her (him) is going to lead to a life on the run, and probably won't be the best thing for your health, but you just can't help yourself.  You hop in, turn up the tunes, gulp down a bottle of whiskey, cock a gun, do the tongue tussle, and peel rubber away from your boring life.

 

Why...hello.  

Oh, you want me to leave my loving wife and new born behind, to follow you?  Let me just set these groceries down and we can go.

If you have Cinemax, do yourself a favor, stop debating, and watch the first couple of episodes of Banshee.  I guarantee you'll be hooked.  If you don't have Cinemax, that's alright, the DVD's will be coming out soon.  So, here's to waiting for season two, I hope it kicks just as much ass as season one.  *raises glass and then smashes it over some dudes head*

Lucas finally decides he has to stop going to those PTA meetings...they're gonna kill him.

4.5 out of 5 stars (minus a ½ star for a certain outcome during the season finale, and no—I’m not going to tell you what it is and spoil everything)