The Last Stand attempts to bring back a forgotten actor from the depths of
obscurity, but instead, whacks the last nail into his coffin, and then quickly buries
him in a void deep enough to contain Godzilla.
Arnold
Schwarzenegger gave us such classic films: the Terminator, Predator, Commando,
Total Recall, and every once in a while, when the moon strikes me just right,
I'll place a barrel of cheese-balls in front of me and sneak a peek at The Last
Action Hero. After gems such as these, I
ask you: What went wrong? The short
answer: age. The long answer:
Age, alcohol, and steroids proved too much for the Governator.
STORY:
A
drug cartel leader does his best impression of the Joker and outwits the FBI by
escaping custody. The next step of his
master plan includes driving a stolen concept car across the Mexican
border. But to do so, he must pass
through a town guarded by an ex-bodybuilder and his ridiculous sidekicks. Small town hijinks and boredom ensue.
THOUGHTS:
Arnold's
facial expressions didn't evolve too much further from constipated to overly-constipated. In fact, the movie studio probably could have
just went to the supermarket and bought a few hundred pounds of beef and gave
that top-billing in the movie. At least
in the end, if it didn't work out, they could have cooked the meat and fed a
small starving country. His reactions
bordered on the same level as Alzheimer patients: every once in a while you’d
find a sparkle in his eyes, but that was just him realizing where he was for a
second, before dipping back into unconsciousness.
Some of the best damn acting I've seen, and...it's what's for dinner.
In
short: he's old, he's tired, and any amount of acting skills that he did
possess, were flushed down the I-don't-give-a-crap
toilet. Let’s face it—the Arnold action
star is dead. The man who looks like him
is just a left-over husk filled with terrible politics and steroids. I guarantee that if this film didn't have his
name attached, it would have passed by the American audience like a warm fart:
a slow hint of sensation, but not enough to make you react.
Wait…was
there any good acting, then? Sure. Two people—well, actually just one. Johnny Knoxville is usually good for a laugh
or two, but every line felt over-rehearsed and forced, making some of his
dialogue embarrassing to hear.
"I really don't see how this hat is supposed to make my lines any funnier."
The
one good actor: Jaimie Alexander. She
delivered fantastic emotion in a sea filled with bloated wood. You'll probably recognize her as Sif from
Thor, but she stared in a good Independent film called Loosies. (Only I and a handful of the movie's extras
actually watched it.) Every one of
her scenes in the Last Stand made me think: “how much were you paid compared to the Arnold?” One could argue that she's still making a
name for herself and Arnold's already established, but that's just forcing
reason where it doesn't belong—so stop it.
Back in my day, a girl that looked like that was considered: "Prettier than a picture."
Anybody
ever see Forest Whitaker's lazy eye move during a film, because it didn’t seem
very enthusiastic about acting here.
Whitaker wasn't really doing too much to begin with, save for yelling at
people, asking questions, and playing second fiddle to a small town
sheriff. Seriously though...was his acting any good? Let’s just say, I've seen better acting from
a child trying to mask booger eating.
But what I really want to know is who looked at this guy and said:
"that eye has movie star written all over it." Alright, let’s just forget I mentioned his
name and move on.
Psst...Mr. Whitaker, um...this is the Last Stand, not Battlefield Earth 2.
Oh, and can you open your eye just smidgen?
The
movie's main problem, aside from terrible dialogue, bad jokes, jumbled editing,
and a stupid plot; is its trying too hard to be so many things. It wants to be a comedy, but it attempts to
tug at the heart strings. It wants to be
action, but throws in spurts of drama.
I'm not saying that a movie couldn't pull all those off…I'm just saying this movie can't.
The
writers must have run into a hiccup after having about 80% of the script
written. They finally looked at a map
and said: "crap, there's a huge
gorge between the U.S. and Mexico right passed this town." And that's when reality went right out the
window, and the idea of the bad guys constructing a temporary bridge so that
the main bad guy could drive his concept car over it was born. But if he's so rich, why not just take his
private jet to Mexico or maybe a helicopter?
My point exactly. But you see if
they injected the plot with a little logic, you wouldn't have a movie now would
you? No.
So there...
"That's it--I'm shooting every crappy actor on this set...starting with Mr. Universe over there."
The
action sequences or “sequence” happens around three quarters of the way
through, so feel free to fast-forward until you get there—watch it, and then
turn the movie off. Trust me, you'll thank
me later. Then you can spend quality
time on all those wife-y chores that you've been putting off. If you don't even want to watch that, allow
me to reenact the scene for you below:
"Hahaha...the gun's vibration is tickling my nether regions!"
Pow,
pow, bang, bang, bang…rattatatatatatatatatata…pew, pew…BOOM! Now, you're free to go back to stalking your
neighbor from under her bed.
And that is how the age of "good films" actually ended.
The
Last Stand started out as a lousy film, and surprisingly ended in the same manner. The only reason to buy this movie is to
complete your Schwarzenegger movie collection.
And if you really have one of those, spending two hours with this film,
would be the least of your troubles.
"I have no idea what I'm doing." Yeah? I just crapped my pants.
I
don't even know if I can consider the above a review. Let’s talk about something more interesting. *props
elbows on table* “Who likes quilting?”
1
1/2 out of 5 stars (1 star for Jaimie and
a ½ star for the concept Corvette)
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