Book Review - Fade to Blonde

When you open up a Hard Case Crime book, the sexy deceit and over-the-top testosterone oozes from each word as you turn the pages.  The stories have no room for self-loathing males who spend their days playing video games, masturbating to cosplay, and updating iPhones.  And women who watch Oprah and silly reality shows like Teen Mom…don't even exist.  In these dramas, there's never a person who hasn't made at least one crappy decision, hoping to find success, but ultimately landing in a world of seedy characters and disgusting occupations.  Yes, crime noir is alive and kicking in the Hard Case Crime books and even the covers bring back great pulp art of the olden days.

"Psst...Is that you?"

"Depends.  Are you, you?"

"Oh, forget it.  I can't see a frigging thing."

STORY:

Ray Corson is your typical aged boxer with a questionable past, shady friends, and an amazing ability to eat enough pasta for two, even when death is staring him straight in the face.  He has the perfect life: a junk car; a place so tiny, when you open up the front door, you fall out the back; and a roofing job that pays nothing on the good days.  Then he meets Rebecca LaFontaine, a blonde with legs long enough to wrap around your head twice, and eyes that can make any man forget how to spell their name.  What's a hardworking guy to do when a sexy blonde wants you to come back to her car?  Obviously not ignore her, because then we'd have no story.  No, Ray slowly stumbles down from the roof and gives our lovely femme fatale five minutes of his life.  And that's all it takes for poor Ray to be getting into scrapes with gun-yielding thugs, gulping gimlets with mobsters, and having his whole world turned upside down in a matter of hours.  But Ray, being the sly devil that his is, always has an ace up his sleeve.  Excellent dialogue, hysterical interior monologue, and hard-boiled situations ensue.

"I don't care if it's whistling!  I'll put my nose anywhere I damn well please."

THOUGHTS:

"Just when I thought he was done standing up, he'd stand up some more."  If lines like that don't get the old ticker pumping and brain laughing, then this isn't the book for you. 

Now, you know the drill: the washed-up, has-been drifter gets himself in questionable situations, all because of his morals or because he might just be in love with the story's leading lady.  There's always a few thugs—or pugs as the novel calls them—pulling the main protagonist out of his house in only pajamas, and roughing him up.  And in the end, a twist is thrown into the mix from left field…usually arriving in the last couple of pages.  But you're not reading this novel for the things you know.  You're reading this novel for the witty dialogue, the hysterical leading man who can never get a leg up, and for the deadly scenes that only noir can inject humor into.

After Mrs. Smith found out her husband's sexual fantasy involved a cave filled with bananas and unicorns, 

not a word was spoken between them.

The book itself is short and sweet, never strays from its main arc, and can be devoured in one rainy afternoon.  Typically, most novels today will have several points of view, so that the reader never gets bored.  Well, this book only has one: Ray.  And Ray's point of view is entertaining no matter what he's doing.  The book opens up with clever dialogue between Ray and Rebecca and never lets the momentum fall flat throughout the entire story.  For instance, in the middle of a heated action scene, Max Phillips (author) will surprise you: "He backhanded me a few times lefty in the face.  It wasn't worth writing down in my diary."  This humorous underlining tone floats effortlessly throughout the novel's plot, quickly becoming the charm that helps turn the page.  (There's also one hilarious scene in a whorehouse that has Ray standing in front of several naked women who don't speak English, and the crap flowing through his head has nothing to do with sex.  It'll catch you off guard and make you crack up.)

"My goodness.  I can't help myself.  What is that heavenly scent?"

"A new perfume I purchased.  It's called...Bacon."

Towards the middle of the book, one by one, Ray will fall deeper and deeper into the sexy blonde's rabbit hole, but there's always a feeling that Ray's holding back.  Waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike, giving him the upper hand.  And that's what makes you push to the end.  Also, don't be fooled by the blonde, Rebecca LaFontaine, she may seem like your cookie-cutter female character that's just there to get the story going, but she is the story.  There are many sides to her that Ray, may or may not have pin-pointed yet.  And when these two share dialogue together, not only is it entertaining, but almost every word between them has a double meaning.

Now, don't think the story is all sunshine and rainbows.  It's crime noir.  So, asses will be kicked, punches will be thrown, liquor will be downed, cards will be played, bullets will be fired, steaks will be eaten, cigarettes will be smoked, and dirty meaningless sex will be had.  If any of the above sounds like a nightmare, then no need to apply.  Certain language and slang from a time long forgotten will also make appearances.  And if you're the type to get offended by words, then you have my permission to be backhanded a few times lefty, spun in a circle, and then dumped in the children's section of a bookstore with bright bold colors and itty-bitty words that everyone can enjoy.

"Found a pipe covered in blood next to the victim.  What do you think?  Murder weapon?"

"Too soon to tell.  If only we had more clues, like where the pipe came from..."

CONCLUSION:

Fade to Blonde isn't a monumental piece of literature that will change the world, but it will fall perfectly into the jolly pulp category and will please all crime noir fans.  The story offers vibrant characters, masterful dialogue, and humor that will keep you coming back for more.  And if none of that is of any interest, then just look at the wonderful cover.  You can just feel the wickedness and deceit the artist (Gregory Manchess) used in every stroke of paint.  If crime noir is already part of your library, then this book will feel right at home.

4 out of 5 stars (minus a star for the slight pulp clichés)