Only
God Forgives is one of the best conversation starters you'll ever encounter
around fellow movie goers. People will either
love it or hate it. But whether it's an
actual film is a whole other story.
What
is art? Some people will insist that a
blank canvas with just a name signed in the bottom corner is art. You might call that laziness or maybe bull-crap,
but you can't say people haven't tried to pull one over on the public. Now, what if you strung together moving
pictures without explanation or reason behind them—is that considered a
film? What if you allowed the viewer to
come to their own conclusions about the story, its characters, and what exactly
is going on—is that considered a movie? Who
cares? The core purpose of a motion
picture is entertainment, and if you’re watching something and all you keep
thinking is, "Damn, I wish this
would end," or "How am I
going to explain that I'd paid for this slop?" Then maybe the director, writer, or producers
have missed the gist of movie making.
"Hold it. Hold it--"
"Sir, he's been holding it for over an hour and--"
"Quiet! This is my masterpiece."
STORY:
Julian
(Ryan Gosling) a drug dealer living in Bangkok has a lot on his plate: a
brother that's just been murdered, because he's a pedophile and a murderer
himself. A mother (Kristin Scott Thomas)
who's hell bent on finding her son's killer and seems a little too touchy-feely
for everyone's taste. A psychotic
retired Thai cop that has an amazing ability to pull a sword out of thin air…oh
and he seems to be above the law—like Steven Seagul without all the Steven
Seagul-ness. And a beautiful prostitute
that enjoys a hand between her legs, but doesn't want a relationship with poor
Julian. But besides all that, everything
was going fine in Julian's life…until his mother wanted him to find his brother's
killer. Nobody said life in Bangkok was
easy. Long wallpaper scenes, crazy
torture, bad Thai singing, loud ominous tones, and nonsensical art ensue. Enjoy.
Bark. Bark.
"Cut! Who told the dog he could talk? There's not supposed to be any dialogue in this scene."
THOUGHTS:
Holy
Moly! You have to watch this just for
the sake of serious use of boiling oil and a frying pan. Nicolas Winding Refn (director) after an
eye-catching movie called Drive, throws caution to the wind, and decides to
show the world his art project. On board
this crazy train of exaggerated awkward stares is Ryan Gosling, who manages to slip
under 100 words of dialogue in an entire movie.
Masterful. If there's one thing
you can say when it's all over, it's: "I've
never seen anything like that in my entire life. And, I hope, I never do again."
THE “ONLY GOD
FORGIVES” EXPERIENCE:
You
may find a better use of four dollars (cost
to rent the film) by taping the bills to your wall and throwing red paint
at them. And then if you really want the
Only God Forgives experience, take one eyeball, place it about an inch away
from the corner of one dollar and slowly pan to the rest of the bills, making
sure the entire panning movement lasts about an hour and a half.
"Mother. I'd like to introduce you to my lovable prostitute--"
"Mr. Gosling, the line is girlfriend...lovable girlfriend. First line in 50 minutes and he can't even get it right."
DIALOGUE? WHAT
DIALOGUE?
Literally,
it takes Mr. Gosling 15 minutes to utter one word, and then finally at the 25
minute mark he mumbles an entire sentence.
By the time the film is over, you could have written all his lines on
your palm. But that's not all the fun
this film has to offer. The tremendous
stares of each actor/actress between every word are astounding. The facial expressions and emotions are
totally laughable, and when Gosling's character stares at his lovable
prostitute, it might even be downright hilarious. He's like a sexy, breathing mannequin. If there are any women out there that like
the silent type, stop reading this review right now, and go and buy this
sucker. You'll love it.
"Cut! The angle's all wrong. You can almost see where the sword is coming from."
WHAT ABOUT THE
SCORE?
Oh
right, almost forgot. So you may not
have a taste for dark mysterious doors, or close-ups of Gosling's arms and
hands, or panning shots of old men swinging swords, but you have to like the
film's music, right? Sure. The obnoxious tones that tell you to be
scared or sad or excited are present and in your face, but awesomeness can't be
achieved until you cut in the middle of a scene to an old dude singing a Thai
love song. Now you may say: "Hey there mister man, that sounds like great
fun, I just wish it happened more often." You and the director both do. Nicolas Winding Refn happens to cut in the
middle of several scenes to an old man singing in Thai and it is glorious. Now, P&P would be a terrible review site
if we also forgot to mention the blaring pipe organ during the Gosling fight
scene. Someone may have to call the
Phantom of the Opera and tell him while he was singing duet with Christine, a
ninja snuck into his underground lair, stole some of his melodic notes, and jammed
them into this movie.
Due to time constraints, the director decided to splice in a few
montages from the original Karate Kid.
HOW DO YOU LIKE
YOUR VIOLENCE?
"Oh, umm…with a side mystery sword and large
needles, please. Thank you." Aside from the slow moving camera, framed
shots, and frozen acting, the violence in this movie is over the top—like blood
on the walls, sheets, floors, actors, windows, ceiling, and probably on the
cameraman too—over the top. There's even
a scene where Julian sticks his hand in his mother (no not like that you pervert, though she may have liked it) and it
is utterly distasteful and just plain ridiculous. But don't let that stop you. Women and men and underage girls are beaten
to death, sliced open along the chest cavity revealing bone, stabbed in the eye
or ear or leg or hand or whatever, and full limbs are chopped off with buttery
ease. Forget Cloudy with a chance of
meatballs 2, because this is really
one of the best children's films you'll see this year.
"Wanna fight?"
After what I just watched? It'd be a pleasure.
CONCLUSION:
Only
God Forgives feels more like a high school experimental film on an acid
trip. Filling an hour and a half of
motion picture with bad acting, awkward silence, terrible dialogue and
horrendous wallpaper does not define a movie.
Maybe the film is supposed to evoke something from people, or maybe you
need a special decoder ring to understand it. Either way, Only God Forgives sure does feel
like the director just doesn't give a crap.
With editing that seems completed by a blind monkey, a score somewhat
stolen from old westerns and stage plays, and a remarkable ability forgo
explanations, this film proves one famous saying wrong: silence is not
golden. But the true question still
remains my dear readers: "If you
don't consider Only God Forgives a film, can these words be defined as a review?"
1
out of 5 stars (that’s one star for
effort)
No comments:
Post a Comment