Book Review - Inferno by Dan Brown

All aboard!  This is the Dan Brown express train, bringing more details, more descriptions, and more running than you could possibly imagine in a text.  Please keep your hands and feet inside the car, for we will be zipping along at speeds that will rip your face off, tear at limbs, and impede sight.  This word train will be flying through the streets of Florence, barreling down hallways of extravagant statues, falling through century old canvases, and zooming across the waterways of the lovely Venice.  Please try not to blink or you could miss something—not a plot point, of course, but maybe some historical fact you didn't know.

I'd like you to meet Dante...do me a favor, try not to stare at his nose. He hates that.

STORY:

Robert Langdon awakes in a hospital bed with no recollection of how or why he's there.  Before he can get up to relieve himself, he'll already be shot at, dragged through a hospital, and pushed down a stairwell, until finally escaping with a pretty young girl on the streets of Florence.  With no memory and no clothes, it's up to him and a super intelligent young woman to decode Dante's Inferno to save humanity from a mad man.  Crazy detailed art lessons and history ensues.

"Yep. I thought so--definitely more details than the human brain can store."

THOUGHTS:

In Dan Brown fashion, Inferno's entire timeline is set within a couple of days, yet the story seemed to run along forever.  As dire as Robert Langdon would have you believe the situation is, he still has time to stop mid-flight and give you intricate details of every statue, painting, door, building, waterway, underground cistern, secret passage, speech, and…well, you get the idea.  The whole "hurry-the-world-is-ending" thing makes no sense when you stop every other paragraph to give a museum tour guide explanation to anything you're passing.  If Dan Brown cut 100 pages or more, and just focused on the task at hand, the book would have resembled a thriller, instead of the art history tomb it has become.

"Fantastic Mr. Hanks. A few more shots like this and we could use these scenes 

in any upcoming Dan Brown movie."

Now, even though I'm having a little fun with his latest novel, doesn't mean I don't respect Dan Brown for writing one of the most controversial and wide-read books in the world.  The Da Vinci code is apparently still trying to be deciphered by other books, TV specials, and any Joe Blow who thinks he knows something about God, the Bible, or Leonardo.  So obviously, Dan Brown must be given credit where credit is due: good job Mr. Brown.  There, now that that's out of the way, the real question is this: can the same formula used in the Da Vinci Code continue to hold your interest again and again?

In the Da Vinci Code you were whisked away for a couple of days with Langdon and a beautiful woman, trying to decipher codes and stop evil.  Sound familiar?  The difference between that story and this one is the controversy of Jesus having a bloodline.  That's what made the Da Vinci Code refreshing and the Catholic Church go bananas.  That amazing controversy is missing here.  Yes, there is a moral dilemma, but it's nothing we haven't heard before, and nothing that'll make a religious, health or government organization, film documentaries until we're blue in the face.  So what you're left with is an art history book that would be great map for marathon runners.

"Don't move--don't even breathe. We'll blend in and they'll never see us."

Speaking of marathons, have you ever watched a marathon on TV, or say a bicycle race of some sort?  If you have, then you already know the feeling you'll get while reading Inferno.  In the beginning of the race (just like in the novel) everything looks and feels exciting, because you have no idea where the road is heading.  Then the runners are off and they stick to a monotonous pace, and after hours and hours of the same crap—long stretched roads filled with people who look very tired, and various angles of different runners relieving themselves off bridges—there really isn't a reason to watch anymore, until you get close to the end.  Inferno reads much the same way, leaving a middle filled with forgotten facts and lackluster characters. 

With all the art descriptions and the face-melting speed we're being thrown from one place to the next, you never really have the chance to relate to any of the players in the story.  And in the end, Mr. Brown wants you to feel the emotional decision of each character, but I was too busy learning history.  Maybe if one of the works of art that he spent so much time detailing came alive and had a moral decision to make, I would have felt a little more than a rumbling in my tummy.  But it turns out the details and descriptions are the real characters in this novel, leaving Langdon and his sidekick as afterthoughts.

"Oh my God. Do you know what that is?"

"No. What?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking..."

Don't get me wrong, Brown does some amazing research, and a few tidbits were enlightening, but more often than not, I found myself skipping large sections to get back to the story and some dialogue.

Dante's Inferno is by far, the most intriguing piece of the novel.  In the beginning of the book there are numerous facts, puzzles, and interesting works of art based on the poem keeping you awake and enthused.  But once the running started, my eyes began to glaze over.  To try and fill this running void, numerous other characters start to pop up, spawning sub-plots, and I could have cared less.  (In fact, the whole sub-plot of the ship and the men working on it could have been dropped completely and the story would have remained intact.)  There's a slight twist toward the end, but it's nothing that'll surprise you if you've been paying attention.  And once you finally do know what's really going on, and the story picks up again…the book happens to end a few pages later.

"What's down there, Robert?"

"More paragraphs filled with long descriptions and staggering details. Anyone else wanna go first?"

CONCLUSION:

Inferno feels like a bloated thriller based on a really beautiful and masterful work of art: Dante's Divine Comedy.  If anything, the novel shows you that Dante's poem is really what you should have been reading in the first place.  If you do enjoy art history and symbols, and you don't mind stopping every page and being taught a lesson, then this might be the thriller (word used loosely) for you.  If you like thrillers that continue to push you forward, without backtracking and without stopping, then you might want to pick this up at your local library and save some money.

2 out of 5 stars (minus 1 star for bloated details & 2 stars for lack of character development)

Should the Xbox One still Fail?

Gamer: "Xbox, how many restrictions to you have on your next console?"

X1 self-aware gaming machine: "Only one…after another, after another, after another, after…ERROR, ERROR…incoming messages from our master—just kidding, pulling your leg—no restrictions."

Gamer: “Xbox, forget it.  Go make me a sandwich.”

For a limited time, every X1 purchase comes with a Microsoft employee showing up at your house 

to make you a sandwich. Kicking them in the balls is optional.

Before any Xbox fan-boys go prancing off to gather pitchforks and torches, and then attempt to beat me with a sack full of hammers, let me say one thing: I'm an Xbox fan-boy too.  Well, at least I was, until the unveiling of the new console, the ridiculous restrictions and the competition selling $100 bucks cheaper with no stupid requirements or motion cameras.  Since then, I've fallen off the Microsoft wagon.  And after the beating they took at E3, I'm inclined to think many have fallen along with me.  But wait you say: "Microsoft has dropped all their terrible restrictions!"  I know, but does that mean they're now on the gamer's side?  Who knows?  At least the X1 still has the ability to watch TV through your cable provider, right?

BRIEF CABLE INTERLUDE:

Connect your Xbox One to your cable provider and you can watch the Price is Right in the middle of gunning down your 100th foe in Call of Duty.  What in your right mind makes you think I want to watch TV or anything else while I have my gaming console turned on?  I want to game.  Plain and simple.  I don't want to surf the Internet or watch a Blu-Ray, or masturbate to Wheel of Fortune—or whatever you Xbox executives think we do with our "gaming" consoles.

"Imagine being able to watch basic cable on your TV..."

BACK TO MAIN ARTICLE:

Microsoft isn't developing a console for their loyal fans.  They're developing a console for themselves.  And therein lies the problem.  Even if they've pulled all previous restrictions, they can't hide behind their initial intent: robbing the average gamer of their rights.

Initially, your Xbox One needed a constant Internet connection to cut down on overbearing piracy (and whatever other reason they threw at us).  Now, they've taken that away.  You don't need it says Microsoft.  So what they're really saying is "our initial claims for the necessity of the always-on Internet were total bull-crap, and all we wanted to do was benefit ourselves by making it harder on our consumers."  Going back on their word makes them look even worse.  Still, people think they've won and are currently skipping along, singing of lollipops and rainbows.  But you have to consider everything this company said in the beginning to really appreciate how full of crap they are.

Since Microsoft has dropped every terrible policy that they originally put in place, what does that say about the company?  Most people, after hearing the news, danced like leprechauns and instantly hit the preorder button for the Xbox One.  But shouldn't we slow down a second?  Only yesterday, this was the same company trying to cram policies we didn't want and definitely didn't ask for, down our throats.  Now all of a sudden they're changing their tune and they love the average gamer?  Are you really buying that?

The problem is Microsoft is not changing their tune because of their love for gamers.  They're changing their tune because of how Sony bashed their head in at the E3 conference.  They don't want to lose money, so they'll take away all those policies they initially told us were good…in essence, really saying that they were wrong all along. 

Millions were in attendance that day, as the X1 went down in flames. 

As of this moment, no civilians were hurt during the blunder.

On top of all that, if changing their minds from "we're always watching" to "we'll become Sony" is as simple as a day-one download, who's to say a few years from now after they've sold plenty of consoles, that they won't go back to all these restrictions?  Or slowly introduce them, one by one, making it easier for us to accept, since we've already purchased the console.  The framework for these terrible policies is already there just waiting for the flick of a switch.  If Microsoft is that quick to change its tune, then they might just be that quick to change back.

If you take into account everything that has been surfacing, could Microsoft have been any more vague or flip-floppy about their next generation box?  Think about this for a second: if I'm creating something for the consumers—a piece of hardware that I know they'll love—why am I going to hold back details, be vague when answering questions, or instantly change major policies after hearing the competition's selling points?  And since all their great ideas were the future, why are they so quick to throw everything in the garbage and move forward mimicking Sony?

Considering their initial greedy intentions, should the Xbox One still fail?

BRIEF FAILURE INTERLUDE:

Let’s just address those people that say: "I don't want to see anybody fail."  That's great and humanistic of you, but how the hell do you expect anything to advance without failure?  One product must fail for another to succeed.  What if we decided steam engines were good enough and never pushed for further advancement, where would we be?  Failure is the only way to move forward in life.  You either learn from it, or dig a hole deep enough, so no one can hear you scream. 

Microsoft unveils what's really under the X1's hood.

BACK TO MAIN ARTICLE:

Back to the whole "X1 failure" thing: So say Xbox One comes out and something remarkable happens: consumers don't buy it, because it wasn't what they wanted. (And I'm not promoting the PS4 either, because any company can make mistakes)  In essence, the X1 then fails and the landfill people clear a space right next to that ET game and dump the world's crappiest console in large mounds to forever show what happens when a company doesn't take its consumers seriously.  Is it the end of the world?  No, because two things will happen if the X1 craps out: one, Microsoft will scratch their heads and then each other's asses and ask the very important question of "why."  And somewhere in that massive company lies the one person who can then explain to them what they did wrong.  And do you know what happens next?  They make a better, more improved, more consumer friendly gaming console.  That's of course after they apologize for being the world's biggest smacked-asses.

After several test panels, Microsoft executives decide their new ad campaign.

Or two: Microsoft packs it up and decides the console business isn't right for them anymore.  In which case, no need to fret, because a company will always rise up to take its place—passing the baton, if you will.  Do I think this would be the case?  No.  I think Microsoft has invested too much time and effort into the Xbox world to let it go.  If anything, they'd take a huge loss and then produce another console that met our needs.

But do I really see the Xbox One failing?  Realistically, no.  We still have a little over 5 months before these consoles hit the shelves, and by that time people will forget all about this mess.  Also, casual gamers who don't pay attention to gaming news won't even know this happened, which will only benefit Microsoft in the long run.  And on top of that, there are still a ton of people who were getting an Xbox One even with all the restrictions.

 Sad, but true.  

*runs off to cry excessively*

THE SILVER LINING:

Now that Sony doesn't have an immense advantage anymore (aside from being 100 bucks cheaper), the competition between the two console giants will keep games and accessories cheap (hopefully) as each company attempts to outdo the other. 

After days of guesswork and speculations, analysts have come to a conclusion: 

these four letters made the crowd go wild at E3.

SO...

With Microsoft stuffing integrity into the garbage disposal and flipping the switch, only time will tell whether or not their initial restrictive views at game ownership will hurt their sales.  Good luck Xbox One.  Here's to flip-flopping: a quality every person/business should strive to possess. (Caution: sarcasm found in last sentence)

Movie Review - Man of Steel

Man of Steel is one of this year’s best Sci-Fi movies.  As for the character of Superman, it squeaks by like a pot-head trying to pass Math.

First off: do not trust the critics.  This is the type of film that has to be seen on a person to person basis.  Last I looked it was scooting by just under 60% on Rotten Tomatoes.  The reviews seemed to flip-flop more than a goldfish that jumped tank, bringing me to only one logical conclusion: there must be different versions of Man of Steel being shown in theaters (not really).  Some people called it a tragedy, while others proclaimed it the best film they’ve ever seen.  So which is it?  All I can tell you about is the version I watched, squeezed in a semi-filled theater, hidden under several boxes of snacks, a barrel of butter-soaked popcorn, and a gallon of soda.

CAUTION:  This review has been tapped out without so much as one edit.  We here felt as though it was more important to bring you our review now, rather than have you wait.  Fortunately, being amazing professionals allows us to make such grandiose decisions and delivering this review raw and unedited, is just a risk we’re willing to take.  If you do spot any mistakes, please feel free to call our support-number to let us know, and we’ll get right on that.  Now, without further idiocy, here’s our Man of Steel review in all its unedited glory.  

News Flash: Superman lets one go.  

In unrelated news, California is blown out to sea by an unforeseen wind. 

STORY:

Really?  Are there people out there that don’t know the Superman mythology?  My fault, I just assumed as soon as a child could read, their parents buried them in Superman literature and art.  No?  Fine, but feel free to skip this if you know the deal. 

On the dying world of Krypton a mother and father decide to save their only son (Clark Kent/Kal-El) by shooting him through space in a phallus-shaped ship, right into a corn-field in Kansas.  Here on earth (Smallville) he learns of humanity, truth, justice, and the American Way.  When some surviving knuckleheads (Zod and his gang of marauders) from Krypton come looking for Clark, he has to make a decision: side with his people of Krypton or his family on Earth.  Torn between two worlds and two sets of parents, Clark sets off to fulfill his destiny.

"He shall one day rise up and bring peace to Rome! 

Sorry, sorry...I keep getting the films mixed up, keep rolling...keep rolling."

THOUGHTS:

Seven years ago people cried out after viewing Superman Returns: “There wasn’t any action!” and “Superman doesn’t punch anything!” and “Why am I drunk and crawling around in my underwear?”  Now, I can’t be sure about the latter, but Zack Snyder and company definitely answered those first two cries, not once, not twice…not even three times.  They answered those cries, over and over and over again, until some viewers heads spun around and then exploded. (I can’t say that happened in my theater, as I’m only reporting on speculations)  Man of Steel comes out of the corner swinging, and if you’re not ready it will punch your teeth out, and maybe randomly, hit you with a truck.

I have a slight advantage to most though, as I’m not old enough to accept Superman: The Movie as gospel, and I’m not young enough to want everything to be a jumble of nonsense/smash-your-face-in brawler.  I lay in the middle of the road, soaking up the greatest of both movie worlds.  With that said, Man of Steel is definitely carving its own path in Superman Mythology.

Just like Nolan’s Batman movies, Snyder and Goyer pick and choose what to keep, what to breeze over, and what to completely leave out of their updated telling of the first superhero.  What does this mean to the audience?  Well, it depends on how deep of a hole you dug into the Superman fan-club.  If you’re a diehard fan and can look around your house and find Superman graphic novels and comic books, than a few things about the movie are going to seem out of whack, or just completely out of character.  If you’re comic book movie-goer looking to catch this summer’s blockbuster, than you should come out of the theater satisfied.

Someone quick, get over here and film these pectorals. They're spectacular!

CHARACTER:

If there’s one thing Superman has truckload of, its character.  With all his powers, bordering on God-like status, he still chooses to care for everyone, but himself.  He can be whomever he wants.  He could rule this world and decide who lives and who dies, but he doesn’t.  He chooses virtue, and stands by humanity, and that’s what makes him the great character that he is. 

So does the film show his greatness?  Well, it comes damn close.  And if you know the character well, then you’ll have a few of the same gripes I have.  The destruction in the city without even a tickle of worry for the people in the buildings is definitely out of makeup.  It seems Snyder chose action and glorious special effects over core-character.  Then closer to the end, there’s something that completely throws the decades of Superman mythos right out the window.  I won’t go into details here, but if you know Supes, than you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Aside from those two things, everything else seems to be in place.  Henry Cavill’s appearance (hauntingly, in a few scenes he looked just like Christopher Reeve) fits the image of Superman perfectly.  Dialogue is used sparingly, leaving Cavill to exploit facial expressions to portray his feelings.  This Superman is dead serious, which hurt a tad when you look back on the film.  I can literally remember the only two scenes he smiles, both of which are while doing the same thing.  I would have also preferred a little more interaction with his parents, but we Superman fans can’t seem to get it all.  In the end, Cavill’s performance is exactly what the movie called for, no more and no less.

"Do you really expect me to believe you would rather talk, than smash everybody's face in?"

ACTION:

There’s a crap load!  Some reviews rambled on and on about how the film ramps up in the middle and then doesn’t stop until the end.  Well, boo frigging hoo.  It didn’t seem that way to me, as there were specific beats thrown in between the action to allow the viewer to catch his/her breath.  But make no mistake: these action sequences could have been ripped right out of the pages of recent comics.  Superman in this movie is a no-nonsense extraterrestrial.  If he’s pissed off, look out, because you’re probably about to get rammed through a few tankers, several buildings, and maybe a mountain…and that’s if you’re lucky.  Oh, and don’t you dare threaten his earth mother—because you definitely would not like the backlash.

Sadly, even though this is a reboot of the same story we know, I really wanted more scenes showing his childhood and the Kents.  The backstory is told through flashbacks as we race through the present.  The gentle beats of childhood spread throughout, helped bring freshness to the film, without just repeating what we’ve already seen in previous iterations. 

"Grrr...raowwwrrrr!" 

Cut, cut! Mr. Shannon, your line is 'Raowwwrrr...Grrr.' You've got it backwards, sir.

ACTING:

Lois Lane (played by Amy Adams) has spunk, fire, and intelligence this time around, adding depth and surpassing the previous damsel-in-distress types.  I liked the idea of her chasing down the mystery man who keeps saving people’s lives.  Zod (Michael Shannon)—aside from being mad most of the time with dialogue that just helped move the story forward—worked within the framework of the plot.  Jor-El (Russell Crowe) spends a whole lot of time in the movie, more than Pa Kent, which I felt was unbalanced.  Most of the time he pops in the scene as a hologram delivering knowledge, and I couldn’t help but imagine a Roman army standing behind him, but that’s just me.  John (Kevin Costner) and Martha (Diane Lane) Kent were very well written, and I relished each scene they had with Clark.  Their intimate moments in Clark’s childhood really showed what great casting they were, while also reflecting some of the best acting in the film.

But you know who stole every scene they were in?  No, not pumpkin-head Fishburne—come to think about it, the Daily Planet and its inhabitants don’t really have any significance in the film—it was Antje Traue playing Faora.  As little as she is, she brought a fierceness that you believed in every word and action she had.  A truly perfect cast. 

"I'm telling you, a little rubbing behind the ears and you'll forget all about the alien you're in love with."

SPECIAL EFFECTS:

Snyder brings it.  All those battles you see broken up in tiny panels within your comic books are here in full HD glory.  Nothing is withheld…nothing I say.  If you wanted to see Supes battle machines mid-air, while smashing through building after building, or watch the big man pound alien face into cement, then wait no longer my friend.  These action scenes are tremendous: just enough shakiness for effect, without losing all the splendid details. 

"Doesn't the new Assassin's Creed game look awesome on this handheld?"  

"Umm...shouldn't we get back to the movie, Zack?"

"In a minute..."

THE MUSICAL SCORE:

Zimmer did a great job, but I’m sorry to say, I missed John Williams’ score.  Were the producers that afraid to be compared to the old movies if they included it? (the word Superman is barely spoken)  Well, too bad, because the first thing everybody is doing is comparing it with the original movie.  I’m not saying have it throughout the entire film, but I yearned for one scene of Superman about to take off and the Williams score thundering in the background.  The one thing Lucas did right is include the same Williams score in everything Star Wars.  The music becomes part of the brand, and the Superman score is not something that should cast aside.  My wife can’t tell you who sings any songs that come on the radio—nor does she care for or know anything about Superman—but ask her to hum the Superman theme, and she’ll do so in the drop of a hat.  The Williams score is that memorable—that powerful. 

THE WHOLE “JESUS CHRIST” THING:

There are Christian themes running throughout this movie: Clark stating his 33 years of age, Clark going into a church, and oh my goodness…Clark getting advice from a Priest.  If you read some of the other reviews, they spewed paragraphs about these scenes being unnecessary.  And how having Clark framed in the same scene as a stained-glass picture of Jesus, just bothered them to no end.  And do you know what I think?  So what?

It’s amazing how these so-called star reviewers can let a full minute of Christianity get in the way of their professionalism, so much so, that they give the movie a terrible grade.  Sad to think this is where we stand, that a movie’s plot, pacing, or acting will take a back-seat to some religious scenes.  Oh well, we can’t all be elitists, now can we?

"I'm telling you...they're totally laughing at us from behind there.  Hey, hey--I can see you jack-asses!"

RANDOM SILLINESS:

Injections of product placement make their way into the film, making me chuckle because Superman smashing his way through an IHOP is funny.  Other products pop-up here and there, and seem misplaced, but don’t let it ruin your experience. 

Now, Jor-El riding a frigging four-winged dragon…well, that’s just plain silliness isn’t it?  Where the hell did this come from?  Did I miss an issue of Superman’s backstory where Jor-El went back in time to fight dinosaurs or something?  Either way, it’s there…so feel free to crack-up hysterically or scratch your head in confusion. 

For extra laughs, head to a review that slammed the movie.  Not because of the review, but for the diehard Superman fans, ripping into the reviewer.  If you’re lucky, you’ll find one where the reviewer tries to defend himself in the comments, only to allow more blows to the groin from the readers.  Priceless.

"What? You never saw a Kryptonian riding a giant dragonfly before?"

*flicks cigarette at viewer's face*

"Pfft. Don't make me laugh."

RECOMMENDED READING: (for those you have never experienced written Kal-El)

All-Star Superman

Superman: Birthright

Superman: Secret Identity

Death of Superman

Superman: Brainiac

Yeah...it's still standing the test of time.

CONCLUSION:

Man of Steel is loud, action-packed, and misses the character mark in some cases, but not enough to hurt the film in any way.  It’s exactly what you’d expect from a big-budget comic book license.  So don’t let any of the bad reviews stop you from seeing it.  If you enjoy comic books or Superman, this film is a no-brainer.  On the flip side, don’t let the perfect 10 out of 10 reviews get your hopes up too much either.  If we let little grievances ruin our Superman stories, we’ll never be happy.  I’m just thankful the Big Blue Boy Scout graced the screen again, in all updated special-effect glory.  Man of Steel is a good Superman movie, just maybe not the one we deserve—yet.

3.75 out of 5 stars (minus 1 star for the character misinterpretation and a ¼ star for the missing Williams score)

Movie Review - Now You See Me

Perhaps the greatest illusion "Now You See Me" performed was making me believe it's better than it turned out to be.  The trailers looked great, an overloaded cast of unbelievable actors, and a cool premise—what's not to like?  It hurts to have to say that the film itself—outside of fun entertaining illusions and action sequences—is paper thin. 

STORY:

FBI agent Dylan Rhodes (Mark Ruffalo) tracks a team of magicians as they rob banks, millionaires, and safes before the audience's eyes.

"Please...one more time?  C'mon, I said please."

"Fine.  I'm always angry.  Now, can we get back to this movie?"

THOUGHTS:

Man, did you read the story premise above?  As short and sweet as it is—doesn't it sound awesome?  Just the idea alone is worth checking out the story.  Everyone likes heist movies and everyone (this may be stretching) likes magicians.  So what the hell went wrong? 

"And Ta-Da...a frigging mess!" 

Somewhere between the flashy camera movements and pizzazz, character development was thrown out the window and replaced with a cast of top-notch actors, who hold this movie together using chewed bubblegum and soggy toothpicks.  But who needs character development when we have shots of Isla Fisher in short skirts?  Or Jesse Eisenberg being a bigger dick than he was in The Social Network.  And if that doesn't make people happy, we'll throw in two giant actors everyone likes: Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine.  Instant slam-dunk.

At least that's what the producers thought, but it turns out, a story needs a little more development than just three magic acts and a lonely FBI agent looking for some tail from an overseas Interpol agent.  You might even think that the heists or illusions are grounded in reality, but no, you'd be wrong about that too.  Just like another well-known movie in theaters, you're supposed to just let the dazzling ridiculousness pass through your brain and not think too much, because if you do, you might choke the person next to you out of sheer frustration.

"Listen, we don't know how else to say this:

Your scene is over. And it's been over for about 6 hours now."

That's why the reviews are all over the map like a drunken cartographer.  If you don't want to think and you enjoy sparkling scenery, then you'll love this movie.  If you enjoy the nuts and bolts and motives behind heists, than you're going to look back on this movie, and wonder if you left the stove on.

Mark Ruffalo plays the most likable character in the film and he's really where the writers went wrong: if they added a little more depth and slowed the frigging camera down, it would have improved this movie ten-fold.  The plot never comes close to being profound with any character, and then at the end, when it almost does—when it's almost sincere—you don't really give a crap, because you can't relate to anything or anyone.

The filming was coming along fine, until Mr. Ruffalo broke into song, trying to dazzle 

the crew with "Cuban Pete."

The magicians/Four Horsemen: Eisenberg, Harrelson, Fisher and Franco are left with nothing but the magic acts to work through.  Woody is the comic relief, making you laugh with great facial expressions and witty dialogue, while Franco is the action: fighting and exploding his way through the film.  Eisenberg does a tad more than introduce the magic acts and Isla Fisher remains a sweet and sexy face, carrying just a smile throughout.

"What the hell do you think it is?"

"Could be bad writing, but we won't know for sure until it's all over."

If you love Morgan Freeman, then you might hate his part.  He comes off as a know-it-all jackass.  The character carries all the information of what exactly is going on, but never tells anyone, keeping the information from everybody (and audience) for his personal gain.  Caine is only in the movie for a couple of scenes, and if you blink a lot, you might miss him.  Then we come to sweet Melanie Laurent, who kicked ass in Inglourious Basterds, but has a hard time doing anything here due to bad writing and lousy dialogue.  She does have one sexy French accent though, so...there's that.

The film starts with quick introductions to each magician and then they're thrown together with no reason or explanation.  This all happens with an LSD laden camera pulling in and pulling out, and ripping through scenes and over actors heads, making you feel like you're on a Disney ride gone wrong, except you can't yell "stop" before you throw up...it just happens.  Then all of a sudden the camera freezes at the middle point of the movie, making you listen to some dialogue.  But why the hell would you care what any of them have to say, when you just want to get back to the drug-induced Disney ride.  No need to worry, because the camera picks up again as the movie steam-rolls into the finale, dazzling you with the final "Ah Ha!" moment at the end.

"I just crapped my pants...I just crapped my pants!"

"Jesus...I smell it!"

CAUTION - A SOMEWHAT SPOILER

Can someone that's seen the film please call me, or email me, or send me smoke signals on what exactly happened at the end.  Where do they all go?  Did they land in some special magician Never-Never Land, where hats filled with bunnies and pockets of infinite-length-scarfs are in abundance?  What about all the felonies they just pulled?  Are we supposed to imagine all the crimes will just…be forgotten?

END OF SOMEWHAT SPOILER

"I think something's wrong with my banjo..."

"That's because it's really a shotgun."

"Oh..."

CONCLUSION:

Call me crazy, but even though I'll score it middle-of-the-road, I still liked the damn thing.  Maybe all it takes is a sexy French accent and Isla in a short skirt to put a smile on my face.  (I never said I was a complicated man)  So, if you're alright with watching two hours’ worth of three magic acts, a drunken camera, and some dialogue and plot thrown in for fun, then jump to the theaters.  If not, then maybe you should wait for the rental.

2.5 out of 5 stars (minus 2 stars for no character development & ½ star for camera tricks—bad magician, bad!)

DVD Movie Review - Snitch

Considering the action/drama choices that are out on video right now, Snitch seems to fit into the gem category, even if that isn't where it belongs.

DIE HARD SIDE NOTE:

The Last Stand, Parker and A Good Day to Die Hard are some of your other action choices, but I'd rather sit in a barrel of cheese balls and watch grass grow.  If you're looking at the three titles listed above and are saying: "Hey, they didn't review A Good Day to Die Hard."  Let this act like our formal review: it stinks.  It's so bad it's not even worth 1000 words on this blog.  The beloved John McClane from Die Hard is dead and has been replaced by a fumbling senior citizen who likes using the word Jesus in almost every sentence.  He's dug a hole so deep, I wouldn't be surprised if he popped up in China and tried to team-up with Jackie Chan. 

"Yes...hi, ummm...they said to show up here and they'd give me a paycheck?"

Returning to Snitch:

STORY:

John Matthews (The Rock, a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson) plays the father of an idiot, Jason Collins (played by Rafi Gavron).  Jason, being as bright as he is, allows his friend to send him a package containing enough drugs to almost kill Keith Richards.  As soon as the package lands at Jason's house, it's followed by the DEA who put Jason behind bars.  The Rock, being the awesome daddy that he is decides to go out on a limb and snitch on other drug dealers to get his son's sentence reduced.  Crazy drug dealing, sideway gun pointing, and mad-trucker driving skills ensue.

"What? Are you telling me you wouldn't accept a big box of drugs? Pfft. Whatever."

THOUGHTS:

The story was written to show the ridiculous federal laws for first-time drug offenses with intention to sell, but somewhere along the line that message gets subdued and the father of year award is dished out.

The Rock, coming off of such highs as Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, Tooth Fairy or Race to Witch Mountain (which he was nominated for best actor—just kidding, funny though, right?) allows Snitch to be a welcomed change to the slop formula.  Now, some people out there will yell: "What about Fast Five?"  Yes he's in it, but that's not a Rock film, that's more of a Vin Diesel story.

"Fine! Go ahead and feel them, before I change my mind."

Now, if you have any problem with the Rock/Dwayne Johnson, then this movie should remain on the shelf, because this film is 90% Rock with 10% fill-in characters. Who are the other characters running around?  Well…there’s Susan Sarandon who happens to play the same character she's been playing for years—Susan Sarandon.  Barry Pepper dons a long goatee and appears here and there to talk into microphones and be the voice of reason.  But most of the time these filler characters are just there to move the plot along, so the Rock can get to his next line.

"Put down the groceries and shave my face. Now dammit! Now!"

 

Shane from the Walking Dead (Jon Bernthal) plays a support role in the film, as the connection to the drug dealers Matthews needs to turn over to the Feds.  The role also acts as an emotional subplot, but only made me want to get back to the Rock to see if he'd be cracking anyone's head. (Sadly, no heads were cracked in the making of the film)  Jon Bernthal gives a justified acting experience for the given role, but nothing that goes above or beyond.  And that's the real problem with Snitch: everything is passable to remain a solid action/drama, but it isn't impressive enough to send you running down the street singing the film's praises.

Mr. Bernthal...Sir, waiting won't do you any good, no zombies are in this movie.

Johnson's acting is actually perfect.  It's just not superb or Oscar worthy, when you consider the mediocre story and so-so dialogue.  But this makes sense, because when the Rock is playing a tough guy looking to finish a personal vendetta, he does well—dressed in a tutu, not so much.  There are just something’s a grown man that size shouldn't do, and a tutu is one of them.

"Everyone stop! I think I just crapped myself. Will that show through in this color?"

The first half of the movie can be a little slow, building the tension of a father out on a limb for his son, but stick with it, as things pick up in the second half.  There aren't any twists or anything unexpected, and the finish line comes in the exact form you'd expect. 

The only thing that didn't make any sense to me was how quick everything escalated.  Matthews (the Rock) goes from trying to buy cocaine from street corner thugs, to hauling hundreds of millions of dollars in cash a couple of days later.  It is a film and moving along that quickly seems definitely doable, but it felt harsh in the writing.  Now, don't get me wrong, escalating is good, because that means action will follow quicker.  And speaking of action: the fact that the producers had the Rock star in the film, and didn't have him beat anyone with a tree-trunk or a car door just seems like a waste.  Wouldn't you love to see him pick up a telephone pole and bash it over some idiot's head?  Unfortunately, awesome stuff like that does not play out, as the film instead remains grounded to real-life situations. 

"How many calories are in a CG elephant, again?" 

The message of the film is supposed to point out the fact that people caught up in stupid drugs offenses can be prosecuted for a decade.  There's even a little line at the end proclaiming rapists and murderers spend less time in prison.  I understand that completely, but what I took away from the film, is that there are fathers out there that will sacrifice their lives and the lives of the rest of the family for one child.  Is that the smart thing to do?  That question remains for the individual alone.

"Is this not the best looking face you've ever seen?" 

Ummm...Mr. Johnson, that's not your line. 

THE MORALS:

There are a few really good morals here:

When in the drug trafficking business, don't except drug packages from anyone, even if it's your best friend.  Because they will stick it right up your behind, just to save their own ass.  And if that's not the greatest moral to take away from this, maybe the moral is: friends are only your friends until 10 years of prison time is involved.  Once that happens, it's every drug dealing psycho for themselves.  Insert back-to-school special here: kids, don't do drugs.  It'll lead to your father driving big-rigs while you get raped in a penitentiary.  Also, if you're the said friend who has already been caught and is looking for a reduced sentence, simply send a box of meth to your best friend as a care package, and BAM—only a one to two year sentence with a chance of getting out after six months.  You're welcome.

I think this picture says enough in its own right, don't you?

CONCLUSION:

If you're looking for a safe action/drama that won't surprise, but won't let you down, Snitch is your movie.  Solid acting and a safe story with a fuzzy moral, unfortunately, will only allow this movie to float in a sea of mediocrity.  Hopefully though, the Rock puts away the tutu and starts down the action/comedy path once again, that way we get more movies like this or the Rundown.

3 out of 5 stars (minus 2 stars for not utilizing the Rock)