DVD Movie Review - Byzantium

In a world filled with pale, diamond-encrusted vampires that just want to love, play baseball, and frolic in the woods, this film kicks those Tween pitfalls in the nuts by combining lingerie, strip clubs, brothels, drugs, blood baths (literally), and diseases, creating a fresh take on the stereotypical vampire genre.  Forget vampiric bites that overtake the body like a virus.  These vamps are created in a clandestine island hut.  Yep, you read that right.  Welcome to the wonderful world of Byzantium.

"Shh...I can swear I hear the ice cream truck coming."

STORY:

Clara (Gemma Arterton) has only known one profession throughout her sad, yet determined life: prostitution.  And when her past mistakes finally catch up to her, she's left with only one option: grab her daughter, Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan), and run.  When they finally stop at a boating village and decide to stay, luck strikes in the form of an almost worthless man.  But this worthless man—who was just out for a quickie from the town's new whore—happens to be the proud owner of Hotel Byzantium.  Clara seeing nothing but opportunity drags her daughter and this man into her sexually-fueled dream of running a brothel.  But the aspiration of becoming the mother hen in a house full of prostitutes might come crashing down, because Clara forgot to mention that she and her daughter are both two hundred year old vampires.  Oops.  Rolling hills, beautiful cinematography, drug dealing, rape, decapitations, and blood flowing waterfalls ensue.

Hey, when you smell bad enough, you'll shower under anything.

THOUGHTS:

The story of Byzantium opens with Clara's daughter, Eleanor, scribing her story on notebook pages and then crumbling and tossing them into the wind.  Why?  Because unlike Clara, who only knows how to lie to get ahead in life, Eleanor, only knows how to tell the truth.  And if she can't tell humans the truth about her curse—being immortal is so hard nowadays when stacked atop boy lust and a large number of Facebook friends—she'll spend an eternity writing it down, over and over again, only to throw it away soon after.

This is the only film in recent history that has such an eye-opening split beginning.  It starts off with beautiful scenery and score, letting the viewer believe this will be a poetic tale of sweet and humble vampires, and then BAM—cuts directly to a strip club with loud thumping bass, and Gemma Arterton giving a lap dance.  In fact, these scene splits exist throughout the entire movie, showcasing the extreme difference between mother and daughter.  You'll share the love, affection and burden of Eleanor and then be snapped back to the bitter truth and utterly failed life of her mother Clara.  But as the story unfolds between modern day and two centuries ago, you come to realize this film is much more about a mother trying to do what's best for her daughter, then two vampires living the blood sucking life.

"It'll be okay, honey.  I'll just whore myself like before and everything will go back to normal."

If you enjoyed Neil Jordan's (director) Interview with the Vampire or the coming-of-age story between a young vampire and boy in Let the Right One In, then Jordan's Byzantium will satisfy your thirst for vampires who suffer from human conditions.  You may not identify with immortal life or sucking blood-soaked rags or killing the elderly or maybe even holding on to a secret for two hundred years, but you will feel sympathy for the duo having money troubles, relationship problems, and wanting to be free.

Now, you've probably read all that and are thinking: "Love and affection are alright, but I want to see a ton of killing and blood sucking."  Well, you're almost in luck.  Blood sucking and killing are present and accounted for, but they aren't used to drive the plot.  The blood sucking only comes as a means to an end for the female vampire duo.  Instead, you'll watch more scenes of Eleanor trying to come to terms with spending eternity as a sixteen year old girl and wanting to share affection with a boy named Frank (Caleb Landry Jones-Banshee from X-men: First Class); and many more scenes of Clara running in lingerie and high heels, attempting to have sex with every lonely man in the vicinity, and also the story of her becoming a vampire.  There will still be moments that you’d wish a few minutes of teenage-love were cut to show some over-the-top carnage, but you can’t win them all.

"Who loads a dishwasher like that?!  Dammit!  Now I have to look for a new boyfriend...again."

Ronan and Arterton fit their given roles flawlessly.  Ronan's facial expressions and body language, and the film's eerie score, make you feel sympathy for the character as you discover more bits of her story and watch her take helpless lives.  Arterton on the other hand, uses all her "assets" to showcase the carefree sexual drive needed for Clara, but also frightening determination when it comes to survival of her daughter.  And all second rate characters remain plot devices to keep the movie clogs turning, clearly showcasing this is as a Ronan and Arterton tale.  But don't let that discourage you, because you’re not watching this film to see the brothel's whores ask Eleanor for a roll in the hay…right?  Well, maybe you are.  Either way then, you should be pleased.

"Look at all the lives I've destroyed."

TWO REASONS SOME WILL HATE IT:

Number one: If you're looking for the classic take on the vampire, you need not apply.  This movie offers a new species of vampire that are born on a secluded island that can only be found with a special map.  So if you need the super-fast, ridiculously strong, disappearing-into-a-bat vamp, then you might want to sit this one out.  And number two: this is a character driven story about the only two female vampires in the world, struggling to survive in a vampire club only meant for men.  This is not a straight-up, chainsaw-your-face-off horror flick.

"No matter how exquisite, breasts just aren't allowed in our club."

CONCLUSION:

Byzantium is a fresh take on the fantasy vampire genre, but yet stays grounded by keeping the story focused on a mother and the lengths at which she will go to keep her daughter safe.  Having the film switch back and forth between the tragic upbringing of Clara and Eleanor's sweet, but flawed coming of age story, helps keep the narrative from becoming clichéd or stale.  So if you need a date-night vampiric treat this Halloween, but don't want to go full throttle tear-an-arm-off-and-beat-a-zombie-with-it horror, then this is your choice.

3.5 out of 5 stars (minus one and a half stars for slightly not enough vampire carnage)

DVD Movie Review - Only God Forgives

Only God Forgives is one of the best conversation starters you'll ever encounter around fellow movie goers.  People will either love it or hate it.  But whether it's an actual film is a whole other story.

What is art?  Some people will insist that a blank canvas with just a name signed in the bottom corner is art.  You might call that laziness or maybe bull-crap, but you can't say people haven't tried to pull one over on the public.  Now, what if you strung together moving pictures without explanation or reason behind them—is that considered a film?  What if you allowed the viewer to come to their own conclusions about the story, its characters, and what exactly is going on—is that considered a movie?  Who cares?  The core purpose of a motion picture is entertainment, and if you’re watching something and all you keep thinking is, "Damn, I wish this would end," or "How am I going to explain that I'd paid for this slop?"  Then maybe the director, writer, or producers have missed the gist of movie making.

"Hold it.  Hold it--"

"Sir, he's been holding it for over an hour and--"

"Quiet! This is my masterpiece."

STORY:

Julian (Ryan Gosling) a drug dealer living in Bangkok has a lot on his plate: a brother that's just been murdered, because he's a pedophile and a murderer himself.  A mother (Kristin Scott Thomas) who's hell bent on finding her son's killer and seems a little too touchy-feely for everyone's taste.  A psychotic retired Thai cop that has an amazing ability to pull a sword out of thin air…oh and he seems to be above the law—like Steven Seagul without all the Steven Seagul-ness.  And a beautiful prostitute that enjoys a hand between her legs, but doesn't want a relationship with poor Julian.  But besides all that, everything was going fine in Julian's life…until his mother wanted him to find his brother's killer.  Nobody said life in Bangkok was easy.  Long wallpaper scenes, crazy torture, bad Thai singing, loud ominous tones, and nonsensical art ensue.  Enjoy.

Bark. Bark.

"Cut!  Who told the dog he could talk?  There's not supposed to be any dialogue in this scene."

THOUGHTS:

Holy Moly!  You have to watch this just for the sake of serious use of boiling oil and a frying pan.  Nicolas Winding Refn (director) after an eye-catching movie called Drive, throws caution to the wind, and decides to show the world his art project.  On board this crazy train of exaggerated awkward stares is Ryan Gosling, who manages to slip under 100 words of dialogue in an entire movie.  Masterful.  If there's one thing you can say when it's all over, it's: "I've never seen anything like that in my entire life.  And, I hope, I never do again."

THE “ONLY GOD FORGIVES” EXPERIENCE:

You may find a better use of four dollars (cost to rent the film) by taping the bills to your wall and throwing red paint at them.  And then if you really want the Only God Forgives experience, take one eyeball, place it about an inch away from the corner of one dollar and slowly pan to the rest of the bills, making sure the entire panning movement lasts about an hour and a half.

"Mother.  I'd like to introduce you to my lovable prostitute--"

"Mr. Gosling, the line is girlfriend...lovable girlfriend.  First line in 50 minutes and he can't even get it right."

DIALOGUE? WHAT DIALOGUE?

Literally, it takes Mr. Gosling 15 minutes to utter one word, and then finally at the 25 minute mark he mumbles an entire sentence.  By the time the film is over, you could have written all his lines on your palm.  But that's not all the fun this film has to offer.  The tremendous stares of each actor/actress between every word are astounding.  The facial expressions and emotions are totally laughable, and when Gosling's character stares at his lovable prostitute, it might even be downright hilarious.  He's like a sexy, breathing mannequin.  If there are any women out there that like the silent type, stop reading this review right now, and go and buy this sucker.  You'll love it.

"Cut!  The angle's all wrong.  You can almost see where the sword is coming from."

WHAT ABOUT THE SCORE?

Oh right, almost forgot.  So you may not have a taste for dark mysterious doors, or close-ups of Gosling's arms and hands, or panning shots of old men swinging swords, but you have to like the film's music, right?  Sure.  The obnoxious tones that tell you to be scared or sad or excited are present and in your face, but awesomeness can't be achieved until you cut in the middle of a scene to an old dude singing a Thai love song.  Now you may say: "Hey there mister man, that sounds like great fun, I just wish it happened more often."  You and the director both do.  Nicolas Winding Refn happens to cut in the middle of several scenes to an old man singing in Thai and it is glorious.  Now, P&P would be a terrible review site if we also forgot to mention the blaring pipe organ during the Gosling fight scene.  Someone may have to call the Phantom of the Opera and tell him while he was singing duet with Christine, a ninja snuck into his underground lair, stole some of his melodic notes, and jammed them into this movie.

Due to time constraints, the director decided to splice in a few 

montages from the original Karate Kid.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR VIOLENCE?

"Oh, umm…with a side mystery sword and large needles, please.  Thank you."  Aside from the slow moving camera, framed shots, and frozen acting, the violence in this movie is over the top—like blood on the walls, sheets, floors, actors, windows, ceiling, and probably on the cameraman too—over the top.  There's even a scene where Julian sticks his hand in his mother (no not like that you pervert, though she may have liked it) and it is utterly distasteful and just plain ridiculous.  But don't let that stop you.  Women and men and underage girls are beaten to death, sliced open along the chest cavity revealing bone, stabbed in the eye or ear or leg or hand or whatever, and full limbs are chopped off with buttery ease.  Forget Cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2, because this is really one of the best children's films you'll see this year. 

"Wanna fight?"

After what I just watched?  It'd be a pleasure.

CONCLUSION:

Only God Forgives feels more like a high school experimental film on an acid trip.  Filling an hour and a half of motion picture with bad acting, awkward silence, terrible dialogue and horrendous wallpaper does not define a movie.  Maybe the film is supposed to evoke something from people, or maybe you need a special decoder ring to understand it.  Either way, Only God Forgives sure does feel like the director just doesn't give a crap.  With editing that seems completed by a blind monkey, a score somewhat stolen from old westerns and stage plays, and a remarkable ability forgo explanations, this film proves one famous saying wrong: silence is not golden.  But the true question still remains my dear readers: "If you don't consider Only God Forgives a film, can these words be defined as a review?"

1 out of 5 stars (that’s one star for effort)

Book Review - Fade to Blonde

When you open up a Hard Case Crime book, the sexy deceit and over-the-top testosterone oozes from each word as you turn the pages.  The stories have no room for self-loathing males who spend their days playing video games, masturbating to cosplay, and updating iPhones.  And women who watch Oprah and silly reality shows like Teen Mom…don't even exist.  In these dramas, there's never a person who hasn't made at least one crappy decision, hoping to find success, but ultimately landing in a world of seedy characters and disgusting occupations.  Yes, crime noir is alive and kicking in the Hard Case Crime books and even the covers bring back great pulp art of the olden days.

"Psst...Is that you?"

"Depends.  Are you, you?"

"Oh, forget it.  I can't see a frigging thing."

STORY:

Ray Corson is your typical aged boxer with a questionable past, shady friends, and an amazing ability to eat enough pasta for two, even when death is staring him straight in the face.  He has the perfect life: a junk car; a place so tiny, when you open up the front door, you fall out the back; and a roofing job that pays nothing on the good days.  Then he meets Rebecca LaFontaine, a blonde with legs long enough to wrap around your head twice, and eyes that can make any man forget how to spell their name.  What's a hardworking guy to do when a sexy blonde wants you to come back to her car?  Obviously not ignore her, because then we'd have no story.  No, Ray slowly stumbles down from the roof and gives our lovely femme fatale five minutes of his life.  And that's all it takes for poor Ray to be getting into scrapes with gun-yielding thugs, gulping gimlets with mobsters, and having his whole world turned upside down in a matter of hours.  But Ray, being the sly devil that his is, always has an ace up his sleeve.  Excellent dialogue, hysterical interior monologue, and hard-boiled situations ensue.

"I don't care if it's whistling!  I'll put my nose anywhere I damn well please."

THOUGHTS:

"Just when I thought he was done standing up, he'd stand up some more."  If lines like that don't get the old ticker pumping and brain laughing, then this isn't the book for you. 

Now, you know the drill: the washed-up, has-been drifter gets himself in questionable situations, all because of his morals or because he might just be in love with the story's leading lady.  There's always a few thugs—or pugs as the novel calls them—pulling the main protagonist out of his house in only pajamas, and roughing him up.  And in the end, a twist is thrown into the mix from left field…usually arriving in the last couple of pages.  But you're not reading this novel for the things you know.  You're reading this novel for the witty dialogue, the hysterical leading man who can never get a leg up, and for the deadly scenes that only noir can inject humor into.

After Mrs. Smith found out her husband's sexual fantasy involved a cave filled with bananas and unicorns, 

not a word was spoken between them.

The book itself is short and sweet, never strays from its main arc, and can be devoured in one rainy afternoon.  Typically, most novels today will have several points of view, so that the reader never gets bored.  Well, this book only has one: Ray.  And Ray's point of view is entertaining no matter what he's doing.  The book opens up with clever dialogue between Ray and Rebecca and never lets the momentum fall flat throughout the entire story.  For instance, in the middle of a heated action scene, Max Phillips (author) will surprise you: "He backhanded me a few times lefty in the face.  It wasn't worth writing down in my diary."  This humorous underlining tone floats effortlessly throughout the novel's plot, quickly becoming the charm that helps turn the page.  (There's also one hilarious scene in a whorehouse that has Ray standing in front of several naked women who don't speak English, and the crap flowing through his head has nothing to do with sex.  It'll catch you off guard and make you crack up.)

"My goodness.  I can't help myself.  What is that heavenly scent?"

"A new perfume I purchased.  It's called...Bacon."

Towards the middle of the book, one by one, Ray will fall deeper and deeper into the sexy blonde's rabbit hole, but there's always a feeling that Ray's holding back.  Waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike, giving him the upper hand.  And that's what makes you push to the end.  Also, don't be fooled by the blonde, Rebecca LaFontaine, she may seem like your cookie-cutter female character that's just there to get the story going, but she is the story.  There are many sides to her that Ray, may or may not have pin-pointed yet.  And when these two share dialogue together, not only is it entertaining, but almost every word between them has a double meaning.

Now, don't think the story is all sunshine and rainbows.  It's crime noir.  So, asses will be kicked, punches will be thrown, liquor will be downed, cards will be played, bullets will be fired, steaks will be eaten, cigarettes will be smoked, and dirty meaningless sex will be had.  If any of the above sounds like a nightmare, then no need to apply.  Certain language and slang from a time long forgotten will also make appearances.  And if you're the type to get offended by words, then you have my permission to be backhanded a few times lefty, spun in a circle, and then dumped in the children's section of a bookstore with bright bold colors and itty-bitty words that everyone can enjoy.

"Found a pipe covered in blood next to the victim.  What do you think?  Murder weapon?"

"Too soon to tell.  If only we had more clues, like where the pipe came from..."

CONCLUSION:

Fade to Blonde isn't a monumental piece of literature that will change the world, but it will fall perfectly into the jolly pulp category and will please all crime noir fans.  The story offers vibrant characters, masterful dialogue, and humor that will keep you coming back for more.  And if none of that is of any interest, then just look at the wonderful cover.  You can just feel the wickedness and deceit the artist (Gregory Manchess) used in every stroke of paint.  If crime noir is already part of your library, then this book will feel right at home.

4 out of 5 stars (minus a star for the slight pulp clichés)

DVD Movie Review - The Hangover Part 3

The Hangover Part 3 is so good, you'll relish each and every moment you spend counting popcorn kernels along the way.  Not only is the movie super intricate, but it remains highly productive.  You won't believe the amount of stuff you can get done once you slip it into the DVD player.  Want to catch up on those pesky bills that fall behind the sofa?  No problem.  How about getting in some sleep, or a little laundry, dusting, vacuuming, or how about re-sorting the porn stash?  All can be completed while watching the Hangover Part 3.  Why?  Well, because any remnants of actual story, acting, or dialogue will vanish as soon as you hit stop, whether at the end or in the middle.  So, if you feel like being productive for the first time this year, run to your nearest Internet movie site, and pick this sucker up.

"Hahahahaha...you thought it'd be funny?  Hahahahaha!"

STORY:

It all begins with a sullen score and scenes of everyone's favorite Asian, Mr. Chow, escaping a maximum security prison.  Never mind how he does it, he just does it.  Then we skip across the world to Alan, who needs help being a little less dickish.  The wolf-pack and family decide Alan needs an intervention to explain to him he's sick and should be sent away from society and basically everyone.  So, when Doug, Stu, Phil, and Alan hop into a minivan to start their drive, the van is run off the road and—surprise—Doug is kidnapped, leaving the wolf-pack to get him back.  What do they need to do to get Doug back?  Find Chow and a whole lot of stolen gold (not kidding) and turn it over to the kidnappers.  Extensive none-funny jokes, throw-backs to the original and bad acting ensue.

"Damn.  I think I just ran over real acting skills, again."

THOUGHTS:

For a movie containing three actors that would probably be having more fun naked skydiving into a volcano, the Hangover Part 3 isn't that bad.  Of course you might accidentally turn it off after the first thirty minutes, trying to convince yourself that the dog stepped on the remote, but that doesn't necessarily mean it’s a bad film…just one that should've never been made.  If the original Hangover showed the world an "R" rated comedy can be king, the Hangover Part 3, showed the world you should stop while you're ahead. 

Humor can heal even the worst movie plots, but it has to feel fresh.  The film doesn't repeat many jokes from the first two movies.  It just shoves lines in your face and tells you they're funny.  Some of the dialogue and performance—especially from Galifianakis (Alan)—makes you want to cringe.  Not only are the lines delivered badly, but his body language and even the way he sounds makes it seem like he didn't want to be there at all.  Ken Jeong (Mr. Chow) tries his hardest, but almost all of his movements, gayness and crazy screaming are just a rehash of the first two films.  Ed Helms was granted the role of movie extra.  And John Goodman pulls off adding tension to the film as the kidnapper, while Black Doug (yo, stop with the black crap) makes an appearance to help build a story out of thin air.

"Am I the only one around here who knows how to act?"

Instead of a silly comedy about three guys making a mistake, this movie turns into more of drama/action negotiation, without all the drama, action, or negotiating.  The film would have made more sense if they went down the serious road and tossed in a few laughs here and there.  But sadly, the writers ran out of gas and filled the first hour with useless junk and flimsy dialogue.  "So where does the ridiculous plot come from?"  Glad you asked.  It's created using two minutes of dialogue and a few flashbacks, changing Mr. Chow from a fun loving, drug-induced idiot, into an evil drug-induced idiot with a whole lot of stolen money.

The only redeeming quality of the movie comes in the middle, involving a scene that happens right after the wolf-pack runs into Heather Graham's character.  (Don't get too excited, she's only in the movie for about three minutes.)  It involves Zack Galifianakis running into another familiar character from the first film.  No spoilers here, but let's just say, his acting is top-notch, the scene is touching, and it brings back the magic of the first movie.  "How can that be?  I thought his acting was terrible throughout the film?"  It is…when he's trying to be funny.  This scene has him acting somewhat sincere and it absolutely works.

Please, Mr. Galifianakis, we're filming.  Waving at the cars, just makes them honk more.

The remaining thirty minutes juices up the action, moving the film along, and has many tie-ins to the original.  They bring back Vegas, casino roofs, hookers, loud music, drugs, and more Phil (Bradley Cooper).  Cooper is the only person in the film who hasn't lost his likability.  He becomes the glue that barely holds this mess together.  And in the end, the movie does wrap up the series nicely.  It's just too bad the first hour felt like the writers jotted ideas on paper, taped them to the wall and launched darts to see where the plot took the wolf-pack next.

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Yep.  Us taking any pride these movies had left and jamming it directly down 

the garbage disposal."

CONCLUSION:

With forced prolonged jokes, bad Mr. Chow karaoke, tired actors, and a terrible plot, what's not to love about Hangover Part 3?  The film contains everything you need in a threequel that should have ended two films ago.  The last half hour, Bradley Cooper, and a decent music selection are the only things keeping this film from being total garbage.  If you've already worked your way through the first two movies, then why not one more, right?  Just don't spend a dime.  Wait for the movie to premier on TV, so you can at least feel good about yourself after it's all over.  Oh, and don't forget, you can always get some work done during the viewing.

1.745129 out of 5 stars (minus a star for Stu, Alan, and Mr. Chow, and then a little more for everything else)