Book Review - Bite Me

SPOILER NOTE:

This is the third book of Moore's vampire love story and it's recommended that you read the first two books (Bloodsucking Fiends and You Suck) before reading this review, as spoilers will be elegantly excreted along the way.  But you already knew that, didn't you?  Alright, relax…no need to be patting your own ass.  Your competence will be documented.  So go ahead and read the review at your own risk.

Christopher Moore's Bite Me wraps up his vampiric love story by removing Tommy as the protagonist and offering up someone fresh, Goth and ridiculous, to take over the reins.

"Now you listen.  I have about twenty minutes before the sun comes up, so you better head over to my 

car and replace the flat tire that you caused.  Because I am not in the mood."

STORY:

Chet, the huge shaved cat from You Suck, becomes a huge stalking vampiric fiend that can't seem to decide whether to eat his victims, suck their blood, or hump the holy hell out of them.  He (Chet) is not only growing in size and brain function, but he's also making quite the kitty army.  The vampiric feline pack starts to run amuck in San Francisco, devouring the homeless and then—*gulp*—moving on to the middle class.  Is there anyone in the city that can stop Chet and his army before San Francisco is nothing more than a giant litter box?  Why...yes.  There does seem to be one person.  Abigail Von Normal: emergency backup Mistress of the Greater Bay Area.  Oh, and she does get a little help from her sexy manga boyfriend, Foo Dog.  So technically, there's like two people.  Well, there are also the Animals, and those goofy cops, and some old vampires, and this old Japanese guy, and the Emperor of San Francisco, and let's not forget Tommy and Jody either...so really, there's like a gaggle of idiots running around making poor decisions and attempting to hunt the bloodcurdling Chet monster.  Killer humping cats, vampiric rats, artistic samurai, and douche waffles ensue.

"Are you saying that if I became a vampire cat, I'd live forever AND gain intelligence...but would

have to drink nothing but blood for eternity?"

"Yep."

"Not interested."

THOUGHTS:

They say a novel's protagonist is the person who the story begins and ends with.  And if that's to be believed, then Abby Normal (a cross between Wednesday Addams and Lydia Deetz) becomes this story's lead.  She was everything that was hilarious about the second book, You Suck.  And if you enjoyed her rambling in that story, then you'll love her here.  Her journal entries—once again—turn what could have been a slightly slow and safe story, into a roll in the hay with Goth humor.

In the second book, the story left us with Tommy and Jody discussing whether or not to stay vampires (Foo Dog has discovered a cure).  And since Abby didn't want to see them fight about it, when they pass out at dawn, she and her manga-haired sex-slave, cast the two lovers in bronze, essentially keeping them together forever…as statues.  But if you know anything about how Moore writes, you already know that anything he deems as "forever" is really just the start of a humorous blunder.

"You know, we could turn around and not have to fight all these vampires."

"Dude, they have my girlfriend.  You've seen what she looks like right?"

"Fair enough."

SHOULD YOU READ THE THIRD BOOK?

The actual question you're probably asking is: "I've read the first book and liked it, but the second left a whole lot to be desired in the story, but it was funny…so should I spend my time reading this one?"  Well, if you enjoyed Abby in the second book and were actually able to read all the way through it and still enjoy Moore's humor—regardless of the nonexistent plot—then you'll enjoy the third installment.  Since the story is "mostly" seen through Abby's eyes, there's a lot more silliness going on and more laughs.  In terms of the story, the plot is organized and stuff does seem to be happening, but some of the story lines end somewhat quick and safe without many twists, as if Moore decided the book was too long and it needed trimming in the resolution department.

Now, when you read the story synopsis above, you're probably thinking Chet has a humongous part in the novel.  Well, he does in about the first third of the book.  But then Moore needs to wrap up the series by the last page and poor Chet and his vampiric felines take a back seat to the many story lines that need concluding.

"Large vampiric cats you say..."

"Yes."

"Eating the homeless..."

"Yes!  Yes!"

"I'm sorry, I fail to see the problem."

JUST HOW MANY STORY LINES ARE THERE?

Each chapter has a different character's point-of-view and each character has a different story line that needs to be told.  So the book will have you bouncing around like a three year old, hopped up on Pixy Stix.  You'll start with Abby, but then you’ll switch over to the Animals, Jody, Tommy, Cavuto and Rivera, the Emperor of San Francisco and his men, Foo Dog, the Old Ones, the samurai Okata, and even Chet (who gets his own chapters where you'll read his thoughts and desires), until finally arriving back to Abby.  Is it a mess?  You betcha.  Could some of the story lines have been dropped altogether?  Sure.  The Emperor's chapters seem unnecessary, along with Chet and his thoughts, but then you'll be losing all the hilarity that goes along with them.  Just like in the other two books, you're reading Moore, not for the education in storytelling, but because of all the wonderful laughs along the way.  And there are plenty of them.  The story gets so ridiculous at one point you'll wonder how a grown man (Moore) can invent crap like sucking dead rats up in a vacuum without spending most of his time in therapy.  Then again, maybe he does...

"Don't worry mom, he can't come in unless we invite him."

"Yeah, well then you owe me money for all the Pogonias he's out there eating." 

CONCLUSION:

Bite Me reads more like a newspaper within the city of San Francisco.  Each chapter is a new headline, accompanied by the silliest story you can imagine.  Will it become a literary masterpiece?  Probably not.  But who really cares?  Its main purpose is to deliver unexpected hilarity, and Moore never fails in that department.  Is this trilogy better than some of his other works?  No.  But if you've already read the first two books, don't you want to find out how this terrific mess ends?  Of course you do.  And that is one thing you can look forward to: a resolution in every story line…and a couple might even surprise you.

3 1/2 out of 5 stars (minus a star for character bouncing and ½ star for safe story line endings)

Book Review - You Suck

Contrary to popular belief, You Suck is not a vintage porn starring Long Dong Silver.  It is, in fact, the next chapter in Christopher Moore’s tragic saga of C. Thomas Flood and his vampire love, Jody.

WARNING: if you haven't read the first novel in the C. Thomas Flood saga, Bloodsucking Fiends, P&P highly recommends you doing so, before venturing forth into this review.  First book spoilers ahead.

"They said we'd never shower again and would forever remain malodorous, but we'll 

show them.  We'll show them all."

BLOODSUCKING FIENDS RECAP:

Since P&P never reviewed Bloodsucking Fiends (stop looking at us that way and don't try to act like you've never been lazy).  Here's a bit of a recap in the action.  C. Thomas Flood, an aspiring writer from Indiana, heads to San Francisco to stake a claim in the literary world.  Shortly after arriving, his car is set aflame, his new bedroom is shared with five Chinese guys, his nights are spent managing a team of supermarket shelf stockers named the Animals, and his new girlfriend (an older, superhot redhead he met in the middle of the night named Jody) may be a vampire.  Okay, let's not sugar coat it.  She is a vampire and Tommy Flood ends up becoming her minion.  But is having sex with a vampire and doing her laundry something that Tommy always wanted?  First book spoilers are still ahead.  Read at your own risk.

YOU SUCK - STORY:

We pick up exactly where the first book left off: C. Thomas Flood being turned into a vampire by Jody, and Elijah (the centuries old vampire that turned Jody just for the fun of it) still stuck inside the bronze statue.  But can the happily-ever-after ending from the first book, really last?  In short…nope.  Sooner rather than later, Jody and Tommy realize they still need to leave town as promised, but there's the little problem of needing a minion to do their daylight bidding.  Blue painted hookers, gothic minions, bald cats, troubled teens, A Dirty Job's Charlie Asher, and the vampire Lord Flood ensues.

"Man, this is the last time I throw a party on a Tuesday."

THOUGHTS:

About the first eighty pages of the novel are just a bunch of ridiculous conversations between Jody and Tommy.  Basically, Tommy is being treated like a child by Jody, as he tries to come to terms with being a fresh undead stalker of the night.  Not that banter is a problem, but throughout most of the novel, you'll come to realize there's really not much going on.  There’s a lot of talking, pot smoking (the Animals, not Tommy since he is a vampire and all), sex, wandering around, and hiding from daylight in the most awkward places.  With the first novel (Bloodsucking Fiends) being scene after scene of vampire jokes and action chapters leading to the inevitable confrontation with Elijah, You Suck isn't left with much of a plot to utilize.  Therefore, Moore had to make things happen in each of the separate story lines.  For instance, the Animals take all their hard earned stolen money and blow it in Vegas on a Smurf hooker.  The cops, Cavuto and Rivera, have to make sure all vampires leave the city, and Jody and Tommy have to search for a minion.  But even with those story lines happening, there's still no over-arching plot in the novel.  It feels more like random stories from different people's journals that occasionally over-lap. 

With all that being said, the real reason anyone reads Moore is for the humor.  So is the book funny?  Ridiculously funny.  The random conversations in the beginning felt a little forced and out of character, but after the minion became part of the novel, the pace and humor increased tenfold.

"Mental checklist: Murder random family.  Help boy overcome puberty by 

killing his classmates.  Check amount of Followers on Twitter."

WHAT ABOUT A MINION?

If you've read A Dirty Job then you'll know of the character Abigail Von Normal, AKA Abby Normal.  (She is the sixteen year old friend of Lily, the cashier at Charlie Asher's secondhand store.)  Abby has finally found and fallen in love with her Dark Lord.  Except, her Dark Lord (the vampire Flood) isn't a few hundred years old and definitely doesn't know anything about being a vampire.  Abby's chapters throughout the book help the writing feel fresh, because each word is written as if she's telling the story in her diary.  The way she phrases conversations and events is absolutely hilarious.

Abby wants to be a vampire in the worst way and at one part in the story—because of a certain event—she thinks she's been turned and the "powers of the night" need some time to develop.  So Abby begins to act tough, but she's actually just a scared little girl that doesn't know crap about anything.  And that makes her chapters a complete delight.  The way she describes her Nosferatude, her love for Starbucks, and just her complete lack of caring, help carry the novel.  And thank goodness, because with nothing much to do, the Tommy and Jody story line, grows stale fast.

PACING:

Once the minion and the Animals story line start to intersect with Jody and Tommy, the novel begins to pick up and foolishness increases.  Action starts to actually take place and the lovely vampire couple find themselves falling deeper and deeper into trouble.  The next hurdle is the ending.  But don't expect a humongous climax to take place.  The ending just happens to fizzle out like a few days old Pepsi and you're left with a little more than indifference once the last page is turned.  It’s sad, considering Moore’s other works.

"I told you I have a problem eating spaghetti and meatballs.  You're taking these 

clothes to the cleaner.  You...not me!"

CONCLUSION:

This may not be Moore's best plotted tale, but his wacky writing is still woven deep within the novel.  If you enjoyed Bloodsucking Fiends and want to slightly deepen the story of Jody and Tommy, then feel at ease picking up this second volume.  If you found Bloodsucking Fiends to be lacking, then there's no need to venture any further into the saga.  But regardless of story trouble, the novel will still make you laugh if you have an appetite for over-the-top Moore humor.

3 out of 5 stars (minus a star for the ending and one for the pacing)

DVD Movie Review - Byzantium

In a world filled with pale, diamond-encrusted vampires that just want to love, play baseball, and frolic in the woods, this film kicks those Tween pitfalls in the nuts by combining lingerie, strip clubs, brothels, drugs, blood baths (literally), and diseases, creating a fresh take on the stereotypical vampire genre.  Forget vampiric bites that overtake the body like a virus.  These vamps are created in a clandestine island hut.  Yep, you read that right.  Welcome to the wonderful world of Byzantium.

"Shh...I can swear I hear the ice cream truck coming."

STORY:

Clara (Gemma Arterton) has only known one profession throughout her sad, yet determined life: prostitution.  And when her past mistakes finally catch up to her, she's left with only one option: grab her daughter, Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan), and run.  When they finally stop at a boating village and decide to stay, luck strikes in the form of an almost worthless man.  But this worthless man—who was just out for a quickie from the town's new whore—happens to be the proud owner of Hotel Byzantium.  Clara seeing nothing but opportunity drags her daughter and this man into her sexually-fueled dream of running a brothel.  But the aspiration of becoming the mother hen in a house full of prostitutes might come crashing down, because Clara forgot to mention that she and her daughter are both two hundred year old vampires.  Oops.  Rolling hills, beautiful cinematography, drug dealing, rape, decapitations, and blood flowing waterfalls ensue.

Hey, when you smell bad enough, you'll shower under anything.

THOUGHTS:

The story of Byzantium opens with Clara's daughter, Eleanor, scribing her story on notebook pages and then crumbling and tossing them into the wind.  Why?  Because unlike Clara, who only knows how to lie to get ahead in life, Eleanor, only knows how to tell the truth.  And if she can't tell humans the truth about her curse—being immortal is so hard nowadays when stacked atop boy lust and a large number of Facebook friends—she'll spend an eternity writing it down, over and over again, only to throw it away soon after.

This is the only film in recent history that has such an eye-opening split beginning.  It starts off with beautiful scenery and score, letting the viewer believe this will be a poetic tale of sweet and humble vampires, and then BAM—cuts directly to a strip club with loud thumping bass, and Gemma Arterton giving a lap dance.  In fact, these scene splits exist throughout the entire movie, showcasing the extreme difference between mother and daughter.  You'll share the love, affection and burden of Eleanor and then be snapped back to the bitter truth and utterly failed life of her mother Clara.  But as the story unfolds between modern day and two centuries ago, you come to realize this film is much more about a mother trying to do what's best for her daughter, then two vampires living the blood sucking life.

"It'll be okay, honey.  I'll just whore myself like before and everything will go back to normal."

If you enjoyed Neil Jordan's (director) Interview with the Vampire or the coming-of-age story between a young vampire and boy in Let the Right One In, then Jordan's Byzantium will satisfy your thirst for vampires who suffer from human conditions.  You may not identify with immortal life or sucking blood-soaked rags or killing the elderly or maybe even holding on to a secret for two hundred years, but you will feel sympathy for the duo having money troubles, relationship problems, and wanting to be free.

Now, you've probably read all that and are thinking: "Love and affection are alright, but I want to see a ton of killing and blood sucking."  Well, you're almost in luck.  Blood sucking and killing are present and accounted for, but they aren't used to drive the plot.  The blood sucking only comes as a means to an end for the female vampire duo.  Instead, you'll watch more scenes of Eleanor trying to come to terms with spending eternity as a sixteen year old girl and wanting to share affection with a boy named Frank (Caleb Landry Jones-Banshee from X-men: First Class); and many more scenes of Clara running in lingerie and high heels, attempting to have sex with every lonely man in the vicinity, and also the story of her becoming a vampire.  There will still be moments that you’d wish a few minutes of teenage-love were cut to show some over-the-top carnage, but you can’t win them all.

"Who loads a dishwasher like that?!  Dammit!  Now I have to look for a new boyfriend...again."

Ronan and Arterton fit their given roles flawlessly.  Ronan's facial expressions and body language, and the film's eerie score, make you feel sympathy for the character as you discover more bits of her story and watch her take helpless lives.  Arterton on the other hand, uses all her "assets" to showcase the carefree sexual drive needed for Clara, but also frightening determination when it comes to survival of her daughter.  And all second rate characters remain plot devices to keep the movie clogs turning, clearly showcasing this is as a Ronan and Arterton tale.  But don't let that discourage you, because you’re not watching this film to see the brothel's whores ask Eleanor for a roll in the hay…right?  Well, maybe you are.  Either way then, you should be pleased.

"Look at all the lives I've destroyed."

TWO REASONS SOME WILL HATE IT:

Number one: If you're looking for the classic take on the vampire, you need not apply.  This movie offers a new species of vampire that are born on a secluded island that can only be found with a special map.  So if you need the super-fast, ridiculously strong, disappearing-into-a-bat vamp, then you might want to sit this one out.  And number two: this is a character driven story about the only two female vampires in the world, struggling to survive in a vampire club only meant for men.  This is not a straight-up, chainsaw-your-face-off horror flick.

"No matter how exquisite, breasts just aren't allowed in our club."

CONCLUSION:

Byzantium is a fresh take on the fantasy vampire genre, but yet stays grounded by keeping the story focused on a mother and the lengths at which she will go to keep her daughter safe.  Having the film switch back and forth between the tragic upbringing of Clara and Eleanor's sweet, but flawed coming of age story, helps keep the narrative from becoming clichéd or stale.  So if you need a date-night vampiric treat this Halloween, but don't want to go full throttle tear-an-arm-off-and-beat-a-zombie-with-it horror, then this is your choice.

3.5 out of 5 stars (minus one and a half stars for slightly not enough vampire carnage)

Book Review - Monster Hunter International

QUICK FACT: there are no fancy “I-shimmer-like-a-crystal-dildo” vampires in this story.  These monsters will rip your face off and gobble up your intestines faster than you can say "I hate Twilight."

Yep, you suck.

Some books you pick up thinking: "I have a feeling this is going to suck worse than that mom-porn Fifty Shades."  So you turn the book over in your hands and study the back and then re-study the front, take a deep breath and go for it.  But something happens after the first couple pages, the story ends up being fun, entertaining, humorous, action-packed, and engaging.  The next thing you know you've ripped through 150 pages in a blink of an eye, and you still can't seem to put it down.

Monster Hunter International did this for me.  I really can't remember the last time I laughed and enjoyed a book this much.  Generally I need my stories grounded.  And with so much junk in the main stream about vampires, werewolves, etc., Monster Hunter International didn't seem like the kind of story I'd appreciate at all.  Surprise!  It's frigging great.

Keep those hairy paws away from my nuts, Pal.

But this book has been out for years—why do a review now?  Because, since I'm a new Larry Correia reader, I figured there has to be other readers out there that haven't taken the MHI plunge yet.  And the book is just too good not to mention.

STORY:

Owen Pitt is your average accountant that enjoys crunching numbers and dotting I's.  That's until his fat disgusting boss turns into a werewolf and tries to eat him.  Having fended him off and survived through the ordeal, he's offered a position in a secret company that kills these undesirables for a lucrative living.  After meeting a female employee in said organization and scrutinizing his boring life, Owen decides to take the plunge and sign up.  Monster craziness ensues.

Did I leave the stove on? 

THOUGHTS:

Quick Novel Recap: Tatatatatatatatat. Boom. Boom. Bang. Bang. Bang. Pow. Ugh…F*ck you monsters!  This has been a dramatized version of the novel, and is not in any way, to be mistaken for the real thing.

Yeah, it's somewhat like that. 

I couldn't stop reading at certain points, and when you have a job and have to get up in the morning, this really becomes a problem.  Was it the plot? Sure, the plot was awesome.  Was it the setting?  You mean our typical everyday world with monsters hidden throughout— sometimes.  What was it then that made you like the book so much?  The frigging characters!

Owen, the protagonist, may at times seem a little naive and nerdish, but he really is the type of guy you could get to know.  He loves guns.  Perfect.  He loves pretty girls that shoot guns.  Sounds better.  He loves watching women use RPG's to blow the snot out of monsters.  Now you’re speaking my language.  Seriously, if you don't like guns or the NRA, or women who would probably put a bullet in you before you could say all seven digits of your phone number, then this book is probably not your speed.

Black eye, here I come.

The story does a great job rounding up all the unique characters on the team.  You have hicks, blacks, Asians, ex-strippers, librarians, and even some special types that I don't want to give away.  You'll have to read it to find out.

The story is quite grounded.  Now, you're thinking "wait a minute; he just said they're gunning down zombies and vampires."  I did, but I didn't mean in that way.  I mean in how Correia writes it.  If there was a secret organization that killed hunters and the government wanted to keep it quiet, this is exactly how I could see it being accomplished. 

STORY PROBLEM?

There are passages where Larry Correia will just list the gear hanging on the hunter's armor, and this is where—according to most of the other reviews I've read—some people get turned off.  Why?  Knowing your gear and how to use it will be very helpful during the coming zombie apocalypse—trust me.  Learn your guns people; you never know when you’re going to need them.

Yes, I'll take 2 please. 

MORE THOUGHTS:

The story is also light-hearted: which is something I've come to enjoy lately.  There is drama and certain times where the story takes on a serious tone, but they're almost always followed up by something funny.  The main job of this book is to keep you entertained while you're reading, and I'm perfectly fine having a story do just that.  I don't need a hard-core drama that's make me look at my life and see how great I have it, or a novel that makes me so depressed I want to jump off the nearest bridge.  I want a book to take me away from the everyday crap that aggravates me and put a smile on my face, and Monster Hunter International exceeds my expectations.  And let's be serious, it's fantasy people...there should be humor. 

If you're looking for a short and sweet book, then don't pick this one up.  In paperback, it's just tad over 700 pages.  But you'll easily breeze through the thickness without even noticing, or you'll be like me and just want more.  Luckily, the franchise and story hasn't stopped there, as Correia has written several books continuing the MHI story.

So, if you like action, guns, humor, guns, monsters, guns, and random silliness, with a great story to wrap it all together, then don't hesitate to pick this one up.  If you're looking for a book to answer the meaning of life, then go bury yourself in a hole with some intellectual poetry, and stay there until you find the answer, because society doesn't need any more "downers."

  

"So then I said, f*ck you Dracula and your stupid cape."

Life is too short not to have a little fun, especially in a time when everything is so upside down.

5 out of 5 stars (Perfect! Well done Mr. Correia.)