Book Review - Bite Me

SPOILER NOTE:

This is the third book of Moore's vampire love story and it's recommended that you read the first two books (Bloodsucking Fiends and You Suck) before reading this review, as spoilers will be elegantly excreted along the way.  But you already knew that, didn't you?  Alright, relax…no need to be patting your own ass.  Your competence will be documented.  So go ahead and read the review at your own risk.

Christopher Moore's Bite Me wraps up his vampiric love story by removing Tommy as the protagonist and offering up someone fresh, Goth and ridiculous, to take over the reins.

"Now you listen.  I have about twenty minutes before the sun comes up, so you better head over to my 

car and replace the flat tire that you caused.  Because I am not in the mood."

STORY:

Chet, the huge shaved cat from You Suck, becomes a huge stalking vampiric fiend that can't seem to decide whether to eat his victims, suck their blood, or hump the holy hell out of them.  He (Chet) is not only growing in size and brain function, but he's also making quite the kitty army.  The vampiric feline pack starts to run amuck in San Francisco, devouring the homeless and then—*gulp*—moving on to the middle class.  Is there anyone in the city that can stop Chet and his army before San Francisco is nothing more than a giant litter box?  Why...yes.  There does seem to be one person.  Abigail Von Normal: emergency backup Mistress of the Greater Bay Area.  Oh, and she does get a little help from her sexy manga boyfriend, Foo Dog.  So technically, there's like two people.  Well, there are also the Animals, and those goofy cops, and some old vampires, and this old Japanese guy, and the Emperor of San Francisco, and let's not forget Tommy and Jody either...so really, there's like a gaggle of idiots running around making poor decisions and attempting to hunt the bloodcurdling Chet monster.  Killer humping cats, vampiric rats, artistic samurai, and douche waffles ensue.

"Are you saying that if I became a vampire cat, I'd live forever AND gain intelligence...but would

have to drink nothing but blood for eternity?"

"Yep."

"Not interested."

THOUGHTS:

They say a novel's protagonist is the person who the story begins and ends with.  And if that's to be believed, then Abby Normal (a cross between Wednesday Addams and Lydia Deetz) becomes this story's lead.  She was everything that was hilarious about the second book, You Suck.  And if you enjoyed her rambling in that story, then you'll love her here.  Her journal entries—once again—turn what could have been a slightly slow and safe story, into a roll in the hay with Goth humor.

In the second book, the story left us with Tommy and Jody discussing whether or not to stay vampires (Foo Dog has discovered a cure).  And since Abby didn't want to see them fight about it, when they pass out at dawn, she and her manga-haired sex-slave, cast the two lovers in bronze, essentially keeping them together forever…as statues.  But if you know anything about how Moore writes, you already know that anything he deems as "forever" is really just the start of a humorous blunder.

"You know, we could turn around and not have to fight all these vampires."

"Dude, they have my girlfriend.  You've seen what she looks like right?"

"Fair enough."

SHOULD YOU READ THE THIRD BOOK?

The actual question you're probably asking is: "I've read the first book and liked it, but the second left a whole lot to be desired in the story, but it was funny…so should I spend my time reading this one?"  Well, if you enjoyed Abby in the second book and were actually able to read all the way through it and still enjoy Moore's humor—regardless of the nonexistent plot—then you'll enjoy the third installment.  Since the story is "mostly" seen through Abby's eyes, there's a lot more silliness going on and more laughs.  In terms of the story, the plot is organized and stuff does seem to be happening, but some of the story lines end somewhat quick and safe without many twists, as if Moore decided the book was too long and it needed trimming in the resolution department.

Now, when you read the story synopsis above, you're probably thinking Chet has a humongous part in the novel.  Well, he does in about the first third of the book.  But then Moore needs to wrap up the series by the last page and poor Chet and his vampiric felines take a back seat to the many story lines that need concluding.

"Large vampiric cats you say..."

"Yes."

"Eating the homeless..."

"Yes!  Yes!"

"I'm sorry, I fail to see the problem."

JUST HOW MANY STORY LINES ARE THERE?

Each chapter has a different character's point-of-view and each character has a different story line that needs to be told.  So the book will have you bouncing around like a three year old, hopped up on Pixy Stix.  You'll start with Abby, but then you’ll switch over to the Animals, Jody, Tommy, Cavuto and Rivera, the Emperor of San Francisco and his men, Foo Dog, the Old Ones, the samurai Okata, and even Chet (who gets his own chapters where you'll read his thoughts and desires), until finally arriving back to Abby.  Is it a mess?  You betcha.  Could some of the story lines have been dropped altogether?  Sure.  The Emperor's chapters seem unnecessary, along with Chet and his thoughts, but then you'll be losing all the hilarity that goes along with them.  Just like in the other two books, you're reading Moore, not for the education in storytelling, but because of all the wonderful laughs along the way.  And there are plenty of them.  The story gets so ridiculous at one point you'll wonder how a grown man (Moore) can invent crap like sucking dead rats up in a vacuum without spending most of his time in therapy.  Then again, maybe he does...

"Don't worry mom, he can't come in unless we invite him."

"Yeah, well then you owe me money for all the Pogonias he's out there eating." 

CONCLUSION:

Bite Me reads more like a newspaper within the city of San Francisco.  Each chapter is a new headline, accompanied by the silliest story you can imagine.  Will it become a literary masterpiece?  Probably not.  But who really cares?  Its main purpose is to deliver unexpected hilarity, and Moore never fails in that department.  Is this trilogy better than some of his other works?  No.  But if you've already read the first two books, don't you want to find out how this terrific mess ends?  Of course you do.  And that is one thing you can look forward to: a resolution in every story line…and a couple might even surprise you.

3 1/2 out of 5 stars (minus a star for character bouncing and ½ star for safe story line endings)

Why does "Gamer" = No Love?

I carry around a stigma that makes most people my age and older, gaze upon me like I’m a leper. It's a word that makes all others stare at you like you’re the kid in school that doesn't take baths and spends countless hours with his finger up his nose. It's a word that makes parents cringe and think their child is throwing away their future one button press at a time. Of course the word I'm talking about is: Gamer.

Let's not confuse the term with Casual-gamer.  How most of the world is categorized today, thanks to the iPhone and iPad.

People play this?

Unlike that group of people, I have the ability to work more than just one button/finger at a time. I'm able to customize characters; manage multiple minions in real time at the same time; actually keep track of a story; decide who lives and who dies; and I do all this while leading a somewhat normal life that contains: kids, a job, a wife and friends. That is what I consider a real gamer.

The funny thing is: casual gamers are making life as a real gamer, almost socially acceptable, one nerd at a time. And no matter how much AAA game titles suffer (because of social gaming) in sales, the casual gamer is here to stay.

So why do hardcore gamers get no love?  Why is it, when people hear you play Mass Effect or Skyrim or Bioshock, do they look at you like you have three heads?

Yep, that about sums it up.

It’s because of that.  Like any group, there's always going to be radicals. Now you’re asking: Are “radicals” bad people?  Of course not, they’re just die-hard fans of the genre.  Do they scare the living crap out of non-gamer society?  Unfortunately, yes…most of the time they do.  I say, you love something that much, why not promote for it.

The problem is which stereotype do you think the movies and media depict?  You got it—the radicals.  Are there gamers that stay in their respected gaming-chairs and have their mothers wipe them after they've just crapped in a bed pan?  Maybe. (How else are you supposed to level up?) 

Can you pass the catheter?

Does that mean we're all like that?  No.  There are men out there who masturbate while wearing women's shoes or people who find anime porn hot (seriously, tentacles?)  And in today’s society that might be considered normal, but a person who plays Company of Heroes might need an intervention.  Why?  Console/PC games challenge all parts of your brain.  If you don’t believe me, give Quantum Conundrum a try, and see if that doesn’t make you think.

Do you know how difficult some titles are to play today?  Here's a challenge: take any casual gamer and sit them down to play Xcom: Enemy Unknown or Dark Souls.  See if they can hack it.  I tried to get my wife to play Plants vs. Zombies and couldn't do it.  "There's too much I have to do," she said.  And then went back to playing Happy Jump on the iPad.  If you don't know what Happy Jump is, and you want to laugh, check it out.

Umm...how about no?

Console/PC games are more social than ever.  I like the person who says, “You need to get out and make friends.”  Where else can you trade quips with people from around the world, who share in your hobbies?  Can I go down to the corner and start taking about Gears of War and how many kills I have?  I wouldn’t, if you do that, you might just end up getting mugged and possibly raped.  It’s much safer to stay on the couch and pretend to be a wizard, than going outside with a cape and pointy hat.

I’m a gamer.  But I’m also an artist, writer, musician, engineer, bookworm, and husband.  So yes, I actually might have some intelligence.  It makes me laugh when we're depicted as stupid. Think about it for a second.  Most gamers are the social inept (at least that’s how society views us), and we all know the weird and quiet ones we never talked to in school were always the smartest—right?

Do you know what goes into creating the code that these games use to do basic things, like running forward when we push the thumb-stick up or hit the “W” key?  No, well neither do I, but I hear it’s friggin’ difficult to write.  So these game developers, who love gaming just as much, are what—stupid?  I always wondered if the developers get the same grief we do, when they tell older members of their families they create games.  Because we all know that our parent’s generation and older still think games look like this.

Look at those graphics--top of the line!

Which brings me to my next point: Our games can be very entertaining…just to watch.  You can’t tell me if your friend is playing Hitman: Absolution that you’re not watching.  You want to see just how he handles the same situations you encountered during the way.  Again, try watching someone play Happy Jump.  I give it a few minutes and you'll want to pull out your eyeballs, trying to remove the horrible memories.  Or angry birds, there's a phenomenon I just don't get at all.  You pull the bird back in its sling-shot and release...and people pay to play this?  Really?

But they do.  Most girls play it because it’s simple and fun.  Guys play it to have a conversation with the girls who play it just for fun.  Most men…most, play those games just so they can get next to a girl who’s playing it.  And most of the time ladies, the boy or man considering how you view him, is just sitting there wondering what you look like naked.  He’s not watching you play Angry Birds.

The good thing is the casual gaming girl sparked another cultural phenomenon.  The Cosplay girl.  And if there is ever an angle a gamer-guy should chase in hopes of gaining access to the stairway to heaven, it’s these wonderful ladies.

Your breasts are awesome...hair, I meant hair! Come back.

I wish this was around when I was courting females.  You guys have no idea how lucky you are.  All you have to do is put down your controller/keyboards for a few hours and go introduce yourselves.  You already have a conversation starter—these women are walking/talking/breathing gamers.  The problem is most gamers, since there vocabulary doesn’t extend much further than “Pwned” or “Frag”, turn into bumbling idiots when they’re around these beauties.  Here’s a tip:  just ask them what they like.  You’ll get to remain quiet and not screw it up and they (women in general) get to talk about themselves.  It’s a win-win, situation.  No need to thank me, you’re welcome.  Just every once in a while send a pic to this blog’s email, okay?

Getting back on track: Being a gamer allows me to engage in the simpler stuff in life, like gunning down hoards of enemies with a gun that seems to never run out of bullets or tackling difficult puzzles, all while forgetting the real problems in life.  That’s really the true reason I play: to have a bit of fun and get absorbed into the game, before I have to get back to real life aggravation.

Even though most of us do not except the casual-gamer, and look upon them as the people that are going to destroy console/PC gaming, they are still the people who might one day get you laid.  So don’t we want to keep them around for just a little longer?  (The die-hard WoW & Diablo gamers are looking at this article right now and are debating)

In reality, I know that there are cool gamers out there—male and female—that get on with society and its rules just fine.  This article was written with nothing but fun and humor in mind.  So now that you’ve met your reading quota for today, you can go run and pick up your keyboard/controller and knock yourself out.  Everybody needs love—even gamers.


If you like this article, check out:

The 3 Stages of Gamer Maturity