SPOILER NOTE:
This is the third book of Moore's vampire love story and
it's recommended that you read the first two books (Bloodsucking Fiends and You Suck) before reading this review, as spoilers will be elegantly excreted
along the way. But you already knew
that, didn't you? Alright, relax…no need
to be patting your own ass. Your competence
will be documented. So go ahead and read
the review at your own risk.
Christopher Moore's Bite Me wraps up his
vampiric love story by removing Tommy as the protagonist and offering up
someone fresh, Goth and ridiculous, to take over the reins.
STORY:
Chet, the huge shaved cat from You Suck,
becomes a huge stalking vampiric fiend that can't seem to decide whether to eat
his victims, suck their blood, or hump the holy hell out of them. He (Chet) is not only growing in size and
brain function, but he's also making quite the kitty army. The vampiric feline pack starts to run amuck
in San Francisco, devouring the homeless and then—*gulp*—moving on to the
middle class. Is there anyone in the
city that can stop Chet and his army before San Francisco is nothing more than
a giant litter box? Why...yes. There does seem to be one person. Abigail Von Normal: emergency backup Mistress
of the Greater Bay Area. Oh, and she does
get a little help from her sexy manga boyfriend, Foo Dog. So technically, there's like two people. Well, there are also the Animals, and those
goofy cops, and some old vampires, and this old Japanese guy, and the Emperor
of San Francisco, and let's not forget Tommy and Jody either...so really,
there's like a gaggle of idiots running around making poor decisions and
attempting to hunt the bloodcurdling Chet monster. Killer humping cats, vampiric rats, artistic
samurai, and douche waffles ensue.
have to drink nothing but blood for eternity?"
THOUGHTS:
They say a novel's protagonist is the person
who the story begins and ends with. And
if that's to be believed, then Abby Normal (a cross between Wednesday Addams
and Lydia Deetz) becomes this story's lead.
She was everything that was hilarious about the second book, You
Suck. And if you enjoyed her rambling in
that story, then you'll love her here.
Her journal entries—once again—turn what could have been a slightly slow
and safe story, into a roll in the hay with Goth humor.
In the second book, the story left us with
Tommy and Jody discussing whether or not to stay vampires (Foo Dog has
discovered a cure). And since Abby
didn't want to see them fight about it, when they pass out at dawn, she and her
manga-haired sex-slave, cast the two lovers in bronze, essentially keeping them
together forever…as statues. But if you
know anything about how Moore writes, you already know that anything he deems
as "forever" is really just the start of a humorous blunder.
SHOULD YOU READ THE THIRD BOOK?
The actual question you're probably asking is:
"I've read the first book and liked
it, but the second left a whole lot to be desired in the story, but it was
funny…so should I spend my time reading this one?" Well, if you enjoyed Abby in the second book
and were actually able to read all the way through it and still enjoy Moore's
humor—regardless of the nonexistent plot—then you'll enjoy the third
installment. Since the story is
"mostly" seen through Abby's eyes, there's a lot more silliness going
on and more laughs. In terms of the
story, the plot is organized and stuff does seem to be happening, but some of
the story lines end somewhat quick and safe without many twists, as if Moore
decided the book was too long and it needed trimming in the resolution
department.
Now, when you read the story synopsis above,
you're probably thinking Chet has a humongous part in the novel. Well, he does in about the first third of the
book. But then Moore needs to wrap up
the series by the last page and poor Chet and his vampiric felines take a back
seat to the many story lines that need concluding.
JUST HOW MANY STORY LINES ARE THERE?
Each chapter has a different character's
point-of-view and each character has a different story line that needs to be
told. So the book will have you bouncing
around like a three year old, hopped up on Pixy Stix. You'll start with Abby, but then you’ll switch
over to the Animals, Jody, Tommy, Cavuto and Rivera, the Emperor of San
Francisco and his men, Foo Dog, the Old Ones, the samurai Okata, and even Chet
(who gets his own chapters where you'll
read his thoughts and desires), until finally arriving back to Abby. Is it a mess?
You betcha. Could some of the
story lines have been dropped altogether?
Sure. The Emperor's chapters seem
unnecessary, along with Chet and his thoughts, but then you'll be losing all
the hilarity that goes along with them.
Just like in the other two books, you're reading Moore, not for the
education in storytelling, but because of all the wonderful laughs along the
way. And there are plenty of them. The story gets so ridiculous at one point
you'll wonder how a grown man (Moore) can invent crap like sucking dead rats up
in a vacuum without spending most of his time in therapy. Then again, maybe he does...
CONCLUSION:
Bite Me reads more like a newspaper within the
city of San Francisco. Each chapter is a
new headline, accompanied by the silliest story you can imagine. Will it become a literary masterpiece? Probably not.
But who really cares? Its main purpose
is to deliver unexpected hilarity, and Moore never fails in that
department. Is this trilogy better than
some of his other works? No. But if you've already read the first two
books, don't you want to find out how this terrific mess ends? Of course you do. And that is one thing you can look forward
to: a resolution in every story line…and a couple might even surprise you.
3 1/2 out of 5 stars (minus a star for character bouncing and ½ star for safe story line
endings)
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