P&P's 2014 Year in Review

Sometimes fondling a video game or zoning out to a great movie is the only way to quell the thoughts of how insipid life can be.  And with another year down the drain, it's easy to forget just what fantastic and/or terrible entertainment you suffered through.  But not to worry my friends, P&P is here to rummage through 2014's landfill.

In this shot, a little known actor, sums up the feeling towards 2014 perfectly.

(Idiot making face. Circa 2014)

MOVIES:

No year is complete if trash didn't make its way to the theater.  Whether movies flunked Plot Writing 101 or the acting just plain sucked, the turds of 2014 all fall in the same category: toxic waste.  The biggest failure this year was The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Michael Bay and Company showed the world exactly what not to do with any beloved 80’s franchise.  Not only did the movie cast one of Hollywood’s greatest actresses (Megan Fox), it also took beloved character designs and flushed them down the toilet.  Way to go Bay, hopefully the next TMNT movie (yes they’re making another) is just as good as the first.  But Bay wasn’t satisfied with just one turd, he also brought Transformers: Age of Extinction to theaters, only to have Mark Walhberg ridiculed because he happened to find Optimus Prime lying in a trash dump.

Now, not all box-office blunders were led by Bay and his script-inept friends.  No, other movies committed plot suicide too.  Surprisingly, leading the way was The Amazing Spiderman 2.  How could a movie starring the famed Spiderman do so poorly?  By injecting the plot with a crap-ton of villains and not having an ending.  Usually one or the other is sufficient enough to create garbage, but The Amazing Spiderman 2 took full advantage of both.  Well done Sony.  And speaking of Sony, The Interview will go down in history as the smoking hot infamous turd.  After cancelling and then releasing to only VOD’s, people around the world expected this film to be insightful, intelligent, and a giant kick-in-the-balls to North Korea.  Instead, viewers were treated to another bland so-called comedy starring Seth Rogen as…Seth Rogen.

In this shot, we're are shown what happens when a beloved franchise goes awry. 

(Terrible idea. Circa 2014)

There were other movies that came and went just like a hot silent fart.  Sex Tape graced theaters for a moment before disappearing into obscurity.  A Million Ways to Die in the West saw Seth MacFarlane jumping from the Family Guy to big-budget blockbuster.  The only problem was Seth used too many jokes from the cartoon and the most humorous dialogue seemed to never, ever end.  Dumb and Dumber To, a comedy that returned 20 years too late, arrived in theaters and no one gave a sh*t.  A movie starring Aaron Eckhart called I, Frankenstein snuck its way into cinemas to play for about three people.  And those same three people are still wondering what Eskrima is and why the movie had Frankenstein in the title.  Sin City 2 happened and no one cared, while another Adam Sandler film (Blended) was created that people hated. And finally, a sucky animated film called The Nut Job occurred and another story of Dracula was retold in Dracula Untold.  There were plenty more piles of crap this year, but who’s got that kind of time?

The upside to all the trash is the jewels that found their way into movie-goer’s hearts.  This year has been monumental for Chris Pratt.  Not only did he defy movie physics once, but the man did it twice.  First up was his hour and a half toy commercial called The Lego Movie.  Pratt voiced an ordinary construction worker Lego man that brought tears to many eyes from laughter.  Shooting even farther into stardom, Pratt also starred as Peter Quill in Marvel’s The Guardians of the Galaxy.  This film shocked the box office, not only with numbers, but also with fantastic music, hilarious dialogue, and a great story based on little to unknown Marvel characters.  Well done, Mr. Pratt. 

In this shot, we see an actor whose ass has been set aflame from tremendous acting skills. 

(What awesomeness looks like. Circa 2014)

Again, Jake Gyllenhaal dove into a smaller production called Nightcrawler (a movie that still has people thinking it’s part of the X-men franchise) and knocked the role out of the park.  Captain America, Chris Evans, shocked audiences everywhere playing the title role in a Sci-Fi film called Snowpiercer, where his charismatic acting was only out-done by the movie’s fantastically designed speeding train.  The X-men franchise returned with a refreshing story in Days of Future Past, and Andy Serkis rocked the world with his acting in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.  Animated films remained awesome with both How to Train Your Dragon 2 and Big Hero 6.  But the biggest news of 2014 is the comeback of the real Batman, Michael Keaton as Riggan Thomson in Birdman.

In this shot, we see what Batman does on Sundays when the Joker takes off.  

(Batman reading paper. Circa 2014)

VIDEO GAMES:

Shh…let’s not mention the mediocre year videogames had.  Wait…what?  This is P&P, of course we’re going to mention how messed up and ridiculous the videogame market was this past year.  2014 will be known as the year of re-masters, let-downs, and broke titles. 

Let’s jump right into the crap with Ubisoft’s crown jewel Assassin’s Creed Unity.  Only Ubisoft can release a broken game to the masses and then say, “We didn’t know it was so sh*tty until we released it.”  Luckily, for gamers, if you happened to buy this steaming pile of filth, you’ll be rewarded with free DLC.  For those that bought the season pass (which hopefully people will never do again from Ubisoft) you get a free game—as long as you agree not to sue Ubisoft.  Thanks Ubisoft.  You’re awesome.  Also damaged right out of the gate was—gasp—Halo: The Master Chief Collection.  Say it isn’t so!  Sorry Microsoft fanboys.  Your game was crap.  But just like Ubisoft, 343 will be offering a free game: ODST.  Not to be outdone, Sony released—wait, scratch that—Sony didn’t release the free PS version of DriveClub because it doesn’t work at all.  Not even slightly playable.  Hmm…and there’s people that bought the full sixty dollar version too.  The only difference is Sony offered up just a “sorry” instead of a free game.  Oops.

This shot shows the ramifications of missing a zero during development.

(Broken game / hilarious glitch. Circa 2014) 

2014 was supposed to be the year of next-gen gaming.  These games were going to blow our minds.  Knock our socks off.  And even make Gamers everywhere drop their pants and start to fap right there in the gaming aisle.  Instead Gamers were left frustrated, aggravated, and stunned because of all the giant let-downs that flooded the market.  The biggest piece of crap-hype was Destiny, Bungie and Activision's half a billion dollar cash grab.  Of course, there are millions of players from around the world that still defend the title, screaming about Destiny’s awesome story and fantastic luck driven level-up system.  But no matter how you shake it, the game did not live up to the hype built around it.  Sorry.  Deal with it.  Pretty good shooting mechanics though.  But before Destiny traumatized the gaming world with a story about nothing, another game released much earlier also with a confusing/boring story.  Watch Dogs: only game you could essentially catch an NPC spanking it to virtual porn.  Yes, Watch Dogs’ gameplay was tickled early on with unbelievable graphics and smoke effects.  But what released was less impressive than the last generation GTA 5.  Most Gamers still played Watch Dogs, but the title was soon forgotten when Destiny’s mess hit headlines.  Also upsetting after release, were the mediocre scores given to Alien: Isolation for its very long and winded retreading of the same areas, and Infamous: Second Son for not delivering a compelling main character or story.  On the bottom of the list was Murdered: Soul Suspect, a detective adventure that had a promising premise (a soul attempting to solve its own murder), but sadly, the game ended up being nothing more than a middle-of-the-road slopper.  Also disturbing was the amount of re-masters that hit the shelves this year.  Some of gaming’s highlights were GTA 5, TheLast of Us, both Metro games, and of course…The Halo collection.

In this shot, we see what happens to Gamers when they ask about missing effects in game releases.

(Developer beating Gamer. Circa 2014)

But relax fellow joystick fondler.  2014 was also a year of surprises.  Games that people didn’t know would be great, turned out fantastic and new franchises that no one played, happened to be awesome.  Leading the charge of sequel awesomeness and game of the year awards was Dragon Age: Inquisition.  The Bioware title promised a huge map, long dialogue trees, an expansive story, and so much to do that you’ll have to quit your job and live off your parents…at least for a few months.  Did people actually beat this game?  Silly gamer.  A Bioware game cannot be beaten.  It can only be played.  Another sequel, Far Cry 4, shocked gamers by one: actually working (it’s a Ubisoft title) and two: being extremely fun and addictive.  But the crown for most sequels ever goes to Nintendo for its eighth iteration of Mario Kart, which made fake girl-gamers everywhere, that much more sexy by playing it.  Nintendo also released Bayonetta 2, making 12 year old boys cream in their pants, and Super Smash Bros. (short for brothers, please stop saying Bros) for Wii U, which continues to be a fun multiplayer mess for beer parties.

In this shot, we see what happens when an actor has done all there is in Hollywood.

(Alarming Realism. Circa 2014) 

Surprises!  Surprises everywhere!  Skeptic people were flabbergasted by how much fun Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’s campaign and multiplayer was.  Does it have something to do with the voice talent Troy Baker or Kevin Spacey?  Eh…whatever.  Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor became the AC game everyone was looking for.  With its nemesis system, awesome stealth, and the ability to blow up heads while sword fighting, Shadow of Mordor worked its way quickly into gamer hearts.  If only it wasn’t set in Lord of the Rings mythology more people would’ve played it.  South Park: The Stick of Truth proved a cartoon can become a gaming legend (as long as the show’s creators are heavily involved in the making), and Sunset Overdrive, a new idea/franchise from Insomniac Games was a crazy/whimsical/amazing game that almost no one played.  But the highlight of 2014, were the smaller games.  There are plenty that quelled the woes of humdrum AAA titles, but two became giants: Shovel Knight, which brought back the feeling of 1980 greatness and Child of Light, a smaller title from—cough—Ubisoft that surprised everyone with its new RPG fighting system and unbelievable art direction.

This shot shows us what happens when you produce great animations, but forget to make the game work.

(Muddled Priorities. Circa 2014)

THE FUTURE:

You may be the type of person who has watched every movie on the list above and still desires more.  If that's the case, 2015 is on its way. Films like The Avengers: Age of Ultron, Jurassic World, Terminator: Genisys (you’re kidding, right?  Nope), The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 (if only they could make ten more of these movies…if only), The Hateful 8, SPECTRE, Furious 7, the soccer mom porno: Fifty Shades of Grey, and the humongous Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (let the fapping begin).

If games are your thing, here's a few to stimulate your naughty bits: Final Fantasy 85 or 15 or 19 returns or whatever, Uncharted 4, The Order: 1886, The Witcher 3, Bloodborne, No Man’s Sky, Rainbow Six: Siege, Batman: Arkham Knight, Scalebound, Crackdown, Quantum Break, Dying Light, Rise of the Tomb Raider, Star Wars: Battlefront, Halo 5, The Division, Legend of Zelda-Wii U, Metal Gear Solid V, and Mortal Kombat X.

Now…P&P knows how much fun it is to dream about and even crave the future, but never forget to always make the best of today.  See you next year.  Happy New Year from Prose and Postulations!

Watch Dogs: What Went Wrong?

SPOILER ALERT:

The following article will dive deep inside Watch Dogs and uncover hidden blunders.  As such, major plot spoilers will be dropped along the way.  If you don't want to spoil your gaming experience, it is highly recommended you complete the game first, before reading on.  Or you could just throw caution to the wind and become a vigilante like Aiden Pearce.  The choice is yours.

"So what you're saying is that poles and street lamps will collapse like twigs, but having the player drive into 

a tree or bush, will be like driving into a brick wall?"

"Makes sense, right?"

"Yep.  Let's get programming." 

Watch Dogs, the newest franchise in Ubisoft's arsenal, allows players to take control of Aiden Pearce and drive over pixelated pedestrians in virtual Chicago.  You're also granted the ability to kick anyone's ass with a nightstick; hack into people's bank accounts; jump into the water to avoid the police; hack other player's games; and most importantly, tap into a NPC's computer and catch them spanking it to virtual porn.  What more could you ask for in a video game?  Obviously, a little more, because although all the above is damn fun, Watch Dogs still averaged around a 7.5 in reviews.  Well, maybe it had something to do with Aiden's appearance?

AIDEN'S RACE AND OTHER RANDOM SILLINESS:

Aiden Pearce has been the discussion of many gaming podcasts and articles.  And most of the time you read or hear something along these lines: "Maybe it's because he's just some typical white dude that makes him so boring."  Or, "They shouldn't have made him a white dude in a hat and coat.  He needs to be different to be interesting."

Alright, stop reading and picture Aiden.  Yep, he definitely is a white dude in a hat and a very long and wavy coat.  That's probably why he's boring.  So let's make him more interesting.  Keep picturing Aiden, but now make his skin as green as Kermit the Frog.  Or, let's even go one step further and add a character creator to Watch Dogs like Saint's Row.  The game's now the perfect ten, right?  Nope.  Those changes may offer some added fun and humor, but it won't raise Watch Dogs to perfection no matter how naked your character is or how many points you garner streaking passed unsuspecting NPC's.  It doesn't matter if Aiden is blue, black, purple, yellow with red polka dots, or an alien Xenomorph.  The problem isn't in his looks, it's in his story.

"You wanna tell me what you're laughing at?"

"Sorry, sorry.  It's just...I went to a clothing store to buy clothes, but all they had were these ugly hat 

and coat sets, and well--look at what you're wearing."

WHAT ABOUT THE STORY?

Aiden tries to steal money.  He fails.  His niece dies when they try to kill him.  He seeks revenge.  With so many other things going on in Watch Dogs, it's easy to understand why the story was so simple.  So safe.  So frigging boring.  There are a ton of other fun things that Watch Dogs did right in the game (gang hideouts, hacking, digital trips, giant death-dealing-machine-spider-tanks, multiplayer), but they are all just distractions from the core story.  The first priority Ubisoft should have worried about is Aiden.  So why is Aiden "boring" according to reviewers?

AIDEN THE PIXELATED DOUCHEBAG:

No, it has nothing to do with his goofy looking hats or overly anxious coat or even the way he acts at college parties.  He's a douche because the story's theme (revenge) is his own fault.  Oops.  If he didn't attempt to rob a bank in the beginning of the game, or attempt anything illegal in the first place, none of his woes would have taken place.  And it seems he just can't keep anyone safe.  Even Clara, the pseudo girl-with-the-dragon-tattoo love interest, ends up resembling Swiss cheese.  Why?  Because Aiden can't make any good decisions.  Once a douche, always a douche.  And that's a shame.

So how do you fix this bank robbing douchebag?  Well, the game proclaims him a vigilante, but why?  Why was he robbing a bank—something illegal—in the first place?  Is he a freedom fighter and the money was going to a small country to release them from tyranny?  Maybe he was hacking the bank to show the world how they illegally obtained their own funds.  Maybe his dog was sick and needed a new lung, liver, heart, stomach, and fur.  Or maybe he's stealing money from banks because he wants fame, fortune, women, power, and a tiger…just like Tony Montana.  Either way, Ubisoft failed to show Aiden as a vigilante or even as a person with desires.

"Dammit, lady, I said no autographs.  Crap, now the trunk is going to need a little touch-up paint."

WHAT DOES AIDEN TRULY DESIRE?

No…really, what does he desire, because after playing the game it seems he just wanted to find his sister and kill the niece's murderer.  But after he does both, the game keeps going until he kills the ex-partner.  Why?  If Aiden is a good person—Watch Dogs makes it seem as though his actions are for good—then why kill the ex-partner?  Why not frame him or have him arrested?  Why does Aiden run around in the game killing anyone, including cops?  His only option should be to use his nightstick to harm (not kill) throughout gameplay.  Rampage killing doesn't make sense with "loss" as the theme, because every death that occurs lessens the impact of the next.  If losing his niece was so hurtful, then death shouldn't come easy to him.  It should be a tough decision to wipe people out, but instead he's gunning down anyone that's gets in his way.  He's a hacker, right?  Wouldn't that mean he doesn't like being in the middle of a firefight, surrounded by 80 cops, a dozen helicopters, and hundreds of gang members (some of which are dressed in riot gear)? 

For gamers to relate with or have empathy toward a protagonist, the protagonist has to have an internal struggle.  This was shown expertly in The Last of Us, as Joel's internal struggle was with love.  Could he love again in a world so full of death and hate?  This creates a strong bond to the character.  Aiden, on the other hand, seems to desire just finding his sister and his niece's murderer.  Both problems he caused.  And in terms of story, this is an External Struggle: just a problem that needs fixing through actions.  For example: even though watching Rambo cut down hundreds of enemies with a mounted machine gun is awesome (external struggle), you're not bonding through his actions.  Aiden's internal struggle should have been: is searching and killing other people—performing evil—worth revenge.  He should have struggled with each and every death, making you relate to his desire to do what's right for his family, but is just going about it the wrong way.  And then Aiden could have grown as a character by learning that his family is more important than revenge and that murdering others won't bring back his niece.  Instead, Watch Dogs' story underwhelms and after a few hours in, most gamers forget about the protagonist because they're having too much fun playing pixelated poker.  That leads to two more problems: concern for the main character and story escalation, both of which Ubisoft decided to throw under a bus.

"Mr. Pearce, you want to tell us just what exactly is going on in this photo?"

"Uh, as you can clearly see Officer, my windshield has sprung a leak.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like 

to get it fixed before it becomes a problem."

CREATING CONCERN:

Aiden can hack cameras and ATM's like a boss, but did you give a crap about what happened to him or his sister or even his hacking associates?  (In a humongous plot hole, Aiden's sister even tells him that her captors are treating her fine.  Say what?)  The easiest way to create concern and worry for a character is showing them with everything they desire, and then taking it away.  Then all you have to do is show the character's struggle of trying to get it back.  Aiden lost his niece, but what was his relationship with her before the accident?  Again, The Last of Us did this perfectly, by starting the game as Joel's daughter.  In other words, TLoU showed their perfect relationship, and then sadly and emotionally, took Joel’s daughter away.  You quickly understand why Joel lost faith in society.  Watch Dogs needed to convey the relationship between Aiden and his niece, and then snatch it all away.  Make "loss" the reason he becomes a vigilante…because he's lost faith in the system.  And then have Aiden try to piece that "perfect family love" back together throughout the rest of the game.

"OMG, this guy is in like the perfect angle for an Instagram pic.  I can't believe there aren't 

people lining up to get a shot of this." 

ESCALATION:

When moving toward a story's climax, you don't want to just add more action or obstacles for the protagonist.  You want to raise the intensity.  Having Aiden find his sister without any resolve in the revenge department is called deflation.  The story flatlined.  Who cares if he goes on?  He rescued his sister and took his remaining family to safety.  Great, so who cares if he dies on his next mission or if the world ends?  The initial worry (if you had any in the first place) has been erased, so there's no need to game on.  Instead Watch Dogs just throws more cop chases and bad guys in Aiden's way, until he reaches the antagonist and puts a bullet in his head. 

But what if the bad guys not only caught his sister, but then took the nephew hostage and threatened both their lives at the end?  And the real climax was Aiden coming to terms with his hacking lifestyle mistakes, the death of the antagonist, his family's safety, and maybe realizing he should stop being such a douche.  Escalation.  Intensify the struggle at climax.  Don't compound it with more obstacles.  On top of everything, you come find out that the hit put out on Aiden was just a misunderstanding.  Talk about making all prior events throughout the entire story seem worthless.

There was one thing at the end that did add a little twist and a little drama, and that was finding out Clara was the one placing the flowers on the niece's grave.  This instantly added more depth to her character and created empathy by giving her desires.  But Ubisoft realized they accidentally made her more interesting than the main character.  So how did they solve that problem?  By killing Clara two seconds after this marvelous twist.  They couldn't have her outshining Aiden now could they?  Oops, too late.

"Well...so I guess that's over.  Oh look, someone re-tweeted my retweet.  Cool."

CONCLUSION:

In the end, Watch Dogs was an entertaining game.  And whether you like it or not, a Watch Dogs 2 is inevitable.  But erasing Aiden as the main character won't help the franchise, unless you have a great story to go along with a new protagonist.  Hopefully, Ubisoft learns their lesson and proceeds to show the protagonist's actual needs, desires, and frigging backstory.  If they're smart, they'll keep Aiden, and then Watch Dogs 2 can be the story of how Aiden Pearce became a vigilante.  It'll help establish the crap story in the first one.  And then gamers everywhere will rejoice, because they can play the games backwards and the story will finally make some sense.

If you like this article, check out:
The Last of Us: Is Joel a bad guy?